I haven't been to JUB for a while, and decided I'd post an update so anyone going through what I did last year can see how things have evolved for at least one guy. Summary for those who didn't read it all: I was married for 13 years and have a son. I figured out after being divorced for several years that I'm gay, and always have been. So I came to terms with it in some very difficult posts here, and today, almost 9 months later, I've living as an out gay man, and have never been happier.
Bottom line. Life is good.
- I am in a steady relationship. We have been dating for 4 months now. I met him on a dating website, and we clicked right away and I could tell we were emotionally compatible. After a series of dates, some for a full day, I developed strong feelings for him, and things started to get more physical.
Then life got complicated when I learned he is positive. That was a difficult period and I broke up with him. Then went back because of the emotional connection. It was a difficult decision and I have received some criticism for it from friends I confided in. But I finally decided I needed to trust my gut and my gut said the communication skills and emotional compatibility outweighed that issue. Given my marriage experience, the ability to communicate is of great importance and we are very good at that. He did not hide his status and was honest about it. We are still dating and are exceedingly careful.
My decision is not the one that everyone would make, but for me, it has made sense. I certainly can understand why some guys would make that a dealbreaker. But I couldn't do that.
- My son has met several of my gay friends and really could care less. His and my relationship is not changed in any significant way. Except I think he knows that this has been difficult for me, and I think, and hope, that he respects me for being honest.
- My son has met my guy and they get along well. Just a couple of low key dinners. I'm very protective of him, so I'm treading carefully in that area.
- Weight loss has continued. I am now down 70 pounds from my peak and have added a reasonable amount of muscle. I feel great and my doctor is thrilled at my physical condition. I workout 4-5 nights a week doing a mix of a little cardio and a lot of strength training, focusing on core strength so my back doesn't hurt. I still have a little belly, but am hoping to get rid of it by jogging and swimming. Swim lessons start next week! (I figure I'll see how many new tricks this old dog can learn!)
- I basically live "out", which for me is "need to know" --- I am realistic about the society I live in, so I don't advertise my orientation. But I'm not ashamed of it either. If someone asks, I will tell them. But, frankly, it isn't really anyone's business. I've been to the amusement park to ride coasters with my guy and we got looks indicating people can tell. And that's fine because I care about him and we are a couple.
- I have two close gay friends that I keep in touch with. These are platonic friends. I believe it is important to have a network of friends for support. I lost one friend as a result of my sticking with my guy.
- My relationship with my ex- is back to what it was before I came out. Custody and joint parenting arrangements are unchanged from before. Except that her husband (my son's stepdad) and I are more cordial than before.
- I came out to my mother's best friend, the woman I mentioned in my first post who is like an aunt to me. She was completely supportive, but had no idea.
- I came out to my mom last month. Contrary to what I feared, she was fine (she is in her 70's) and said "Now I don't have to worry about you not having someone when we are gone. I've wondered why you never talked about dating." And she promised to vote against North Carolina's evil anti-gay constitutional amendment next month. Go mom! I am not coming out to my dad. He has dementia and has declined so much he would not remember anyway or would have just some impression and then ask about it every time I saw him. There is no point in that, and my mother confirms that she thinks he might have issues with it anyway.
----
So life is pretty good. I hope the relationship I'm in continues to develop. Time will tell, but we are both working on the foundation of the relationship and it has potential.
In my original post I said I dreamed of being able to be hugged by a man and be able to hug him back. I have done that. It is awesome. Better than I dreamed.
I am so glad I decided to accept myself. And to trust others close to me to accept me.
Best wishes to all here. There are some very kind souls on these boards.
Bottom line. Life is good.
- I am in a steady relationship. We have been dating for 4 months now. I met him on a dating website, and we clicked right away and I could tell we were emotionally compatible. After a series of dates, some for a full day, I developed strong feelings for him, and things started to get more physical.
Then life got complicated when I learned he is positive. That was a difficult period and I broke up with him. Then went back because of the emotional connection. It was a difficult decision and I have received some criticism for it from friends I confided in. But I finally decided I needed to trust my gut and my gut said the communication skills and emotional compatibility outweighed that issue. Given my marriage experience, the ability to communicate is of great importance and we are very good at that. He did not hide his status and was honest about it. We are still dating and are exceedingly careful.
My decision is not the one that everyone would make, but for me, it has made sense. I certainly can understand why some guys would make that a dealbreaker. But I couldn't do that.
- My son has met several of my gay friends and really could care less. His and my relationship is not changed in any significant way. Except I think he knows that this has been difficult for me, and I think, and hope, that he respects me for being honest.
- My son has met my guy and they get along well. Just a couple of low key dinners. I'm very protective of him, so I'm treading carefully in that area.
- Weight loss has continued. I am now down 70 pounds from my peak and have added a reasonable amount of muscle. I feel great and my doctor is thrilled at my physical condition. I workout 4-5 nights a week doing a mix of a little cardio and a lot of strength training, focusing on core strength so my back doesn't hurt. I still have a little belly, but am hoping to get rid of it by jogging and swimming. Swim lessons start next week! (I figure I'll see how many new tricks this old dog can learn!)
- I basically live "out", which for me is "need to know" --- I am realistic about the society I live in, so I don't advertise my orientation. But I'm not ashamed of it either. If someone asks, I will tell them. But, frankly, it isn't really anyone's business. I've been to the amusement park to ride coasters with my guy and we got looks indicating people can tell. And that's fine because I care about him and we are a couple.
- I have two close gay friends that I keep in touch with. These are platonic friends. I believe it is important to have a network of friends for support. I lost one friend as a result of my sticking with my guy.
- My relationship with my ex- is back to what it was before I came out. Custody and joint parenting arrangements are unchanged from before. Except that her husband (my son's stepdad) and I are more cordial than before.
- I came out to my mother's best friend, the woman I mentioned in my first post who is like an aunt to me. She was completely supportive, but had no idea.
- I came out to my mom last month. Contrary to what I feared, she was fine (she is in her 70's) and said "Now I don't have to worry about you not having someone when we are gone. I've wondered why you never talked about dating." And she promised to vote against North Carolina's evil anti-gay constitutional amendment next month. Go mom! I am not coming out to my dad. He has dementia and has declined so much he would not remember anyway or would have just some impression and then ask about it every time I saw him. There is no point in that, and my mother confirms that she thinks he might have issues with it anyway.
----
So life is pretty good. I hope the relationship I'm in continues to develop. Time will tell, but we are both working on the foundation of the relationship and it has potential.
In my original post I said I dreamed of being able to be hugged by a man and be able to hug him back. I have done that. It is awesome. Better than I dreamed.
I am so glad I decided to accept myself. And to trust others close to me to accept me.
Best wishes to all here. There are some very kind souls on these boards.
For all your fears, for all those obstacles, you've taken a deep breath and done what was needed for you to be honest with yourself and about yourself. And everyone stepped up and respected you for it. Hard not to read about it and get a little emotional!