my mom cornered me & i was forced to come out

[civiccentre]

warning! semi-long post.

OK, I "unofficially" came out a few months ago to some new friends .. and recently I've decided to kick-start my gay life ever since school started. I've been phoning guys I met on facebook, late at night (this past week anyway) and my mom occasionally picked up the extension. She asked me a few times during the week why I'm talking to guys late at night and not girls, I told her they're just friends. She started suspecting at this point (I don't know why my lack of girlfriends in my life never gave it away lol).

Then on Friday I went downtown to hang out with a good friend of mine (he's gay) .. we're coworkers and we usually don't meet outside of our shift. My mom thought that was weird, asked me if my friend was gay (because she was in "suspecting" mode based on my recent phone calls), and I (mistakenly) said yes. She freaked out a bit and thought it wasn't normal for me to be hanging around a gay guy so much (!!) and thought he'd turn me gay too. I just went to bed. Well, she cornered me the next morning when I got up, presented me with the evidence (visiting a gay friend, talking to guys late at night) and I had no choice but to come out to her.

She ran downstairs in tears and basically threw a fit, pounding her fists on a table, when I tried to comfort her she'd push me away, then she shrank down into a corner with a real glassy look in her eyes. My dad asked me what was the matter, I told him, he replied, "Oh my god!" and went down to see my mom. Lucky that day I was out of the house from 8-6 for a training session. As my dad drove me, he said that he still loved me, and perhaps now he cared even more, and mentioned that, "There will be consequences," and muttered something about AIDS. Later that morning I texted my sister to check on my mom, and told her too through a text message. i actually have 1 more sister to tell .. Hm. I'll email her one of these days maybe.

That evening at home my mom came and said "I still love you no matter what" She still looks fairly subdued today but I'm sure time will heal it. My dad's trying to act as though nothing happened, and even told me not to tell my other sister. He's ashamed, I'm sure. The entire family had dinner together last night and we totally acted as though nothing happened, it was like any other day...





I feel so much better now! But I'm just thinking, if they know I'm gay .. I'm gonna miss pretending I'm not, and living a secret forbidden double life. Weird eh? lol

 

[G-Lexington]

Let your parents deal with this their own way. Make sure you let them know that you still love THEM, and that this has nothing to do with them. You're not gay because they raised you wrong, or because you hung out with the wrong crowd - you're gay because you're gay. Finit.

Welcome to the other side.

Lex

 

[Martkell2007]

My dad's trying to act as though nothing happened

Dad's tend to do that. I know mine did.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, thank God you're here to provide fascinating topics and insight.

Lex

 

[hitboyqt]

woop woop! I'm proud of you ha. My friend is out to his parents and it was awesome the way he was able to talk to them. Like he jokingly asked if they wanted to go to the gay club with us, lol. The mom was like "sure' but the dad was like "nah, I think I'll pass this time" ha. It was cool. Hopefully you and your parents will bond like that

 

[civiccentre]

OK this is not going as smoothly as I thought! My mom confronted me again today and wanted answers. She's sooo ridiculously ignorant & my convincing her is like banging my head on a brick wall. She says that when my sister spent a lot of time with her best (female) friend in high school, she was worried my sister might be lesbian! (I believe my mom never had many close friendships during her youth, and that might be the problem)

She said to me, "Is there anything we can do to fix your disease?" I'm like "IT'S NOT A DISEASE" and she can't accept that. She asked me if she & my dad could do anything about this, I said they're wonderful parents and the best thing they can do for me now is support me and accept me .. my mom said, "But I can't do that, that would make me gay too!"

Aarghhh she doesn't believe straight people can be allies with gay people. Then (omg) she asked me if anyone had molested me when I was working out of town this summer.. she thought that it could have been the reason!! I then suggested she should see a counsellor to straighten her out, but then she suggested I go see one myself to straighten ME out!

My dad's been depressed the past couple days I notice, he's always sitting around with his head down and / or in his hands, doesn't talk much, and sighs a lot (he only does that when he's upset). Honestly when his parents died, he didn't react this badly for this long (it's been 3 days since I came out too)!

When my mom confonted me in my room tonight, he kind of hung around outside my doorway .. I said, "Hi dad," loudly and he pretended not to hear. It's like he wanted to hear the discussion but didn't have the heart to talk with me directly. I later overheard him and my mom talking privately in their room, all I heard was that he just kept saying there's nothing we can do about it.

Ugh. don't know how long this is gonna take. It kills me to see my parents like this but it's not my fault. You guys probably don't have much to say about this lol but I had to get it off my chest tonight.

 

[KevinLovesBois]

Dude, I know what you're going through. Last year, I met this guy at Universal who happened to work at the same attraction that my mom used to work at. I knew he was gay, so I told him that I was gay as well. I just came to terms with my sexuality around that time (it was July of 2006). Well, my mom confronted him and asked him if he knew if I was gay because every time she asked me, I denied it. Well, he told her I was gay indeed.

So, I come home from work to find my brother, his girlfriend, and my mom sitting on the living room couch. She says, "Kevin, come and sit down in here. We need to talk." So, I listened to her. She said "Travis told me you're gay. Is this true?" Of course, I was shocked because my best friend told her my secret, that I was indeed a gay man. So, I told her yes. She starts crying and says "I can't accept your lifestyle because it goes against my religion, but I will still love you no matter what because you are my son."

My brother and his girlfriend go through the same stuff she does. Then, my sister chimes in and says "You know you will be going to Hell because of you being gay." She was highly in her religious phase at the time. Since then, she has accepted it. My entire immediate family knows. My dad refuses to believe I'm gay and doesn't even want to meet my boyfriends because it's a "difficult area for him." I really am thinking of excommunicating myself away from him because he refuses to accept my lifestyle and sexual orientation.

So, I know how you feel and I sympathize for you. All I can say is, give it time. Your parents and siblings as well as your entire family will accept it over time, but always know that they love you for who you are because you are their son/brother/cousin/grandson/nephew, etc.

Kevin

 

[trawler69]

Perhaps you could introduce your parents to PFLAG This might help to inform them and clear up you Mom's misunderstandings. I t sounds like your father with his "there is nothing we can do" atitude is closer to understanding but what he needs to know is that while there is nothing they can do to change you there is everything they can do to support you and PFLAG could help make them realise that this could be something positive they could do that would really make a difference to you and reflect well on them too.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

[mr-innocent]

that sounds exactly like my parents ... i haven't come out yet ... and now i doubt if i ever will!!!!

 

[G-Lexington]

If they don't get it, they don't get it. You can't force them to. Just state your case, answer their questions as unemotionally as possible, and let them get used to things.

If homosexuality is a disease, it's a lifelong one with a 0% recovery rate. If accepting homosexuals made you gay, at least half the country would be homosexual.

Your father at least seems to have the right idea. He may not be crazy about the idea, but he's taking time out to come to grips with the fact, and isn't asking you a lot of unnecessary questions. I have a feeling he'll come around before your mom.

Go to PFLAG's website, and print out this page. If your parents ask again if there's anything you can do, tell them "Yes. Please read this."

Lex

 

[SurferBoyKai]

my dad, who's not even related through blood, handles it better than my mom. when i came out to them as bi, he was all "oh, well, not that you've admitting to being bi, maybe you can tap into yer gay side and learn to dress better?" jokingly, of course. i thought it was funny.

but yah, he handles it way better. he adopted me when he married my mom when i was 2, so i consider him my father. i have dad and bio-dad. but yah, he said he had some gay friends that could introduce me to gay guys my age and all.

 

[TygreBryte]

I came out to my parents at 28. There was definitely yelling and screaming from time to time -- all between me and my mom. Dad was pretty subdued.

It makes me sad that parents are still doing this stuff to their kids. Ignorance and bigotry die hard. Hang in there and be true to yourself.

 

[bluedragon4]

I came out at 15 and don't know what I would have done if my parents hadn't been so great about it. I was young and it never crossed my mind they would have a reaction like the parents on here. You say they are good parents but they sound wonky to me. The other guy wrote how religion played apart in his family telling him he would go to hell. Thank God my family has no religion!!!!! We never had that shit floating around my house to cause hate. Bible beaters make me sick! Move out as soon as you can!!!

 

[boy0boy]

Yeah it seems I was better at giving advice on these situations when I was still closeted to my parents. Because my coming out was so blase and easy. I just feel fortunate but then upset at family's who don't do the same for their kids. I think the fact that we didn't practice any real religion thats what made it more transitionable like with bluedragon.

 

[spreadeagle]

I'd like to focus your attention on something you said in your initial post - "The entire family had dinner together last night & we totally acted as though nothing happened, it was like any other day..."

Of course it was like any other day - because nothing had changed - you were still the same person you had always been, as were all the other family members. There's nothing wrong with you or different about you. The present tensions are caused by your mother's sudden disorientation; she's experiencing a discrepancy between her old expectations and the shock of the new reality.

When your parents say ' we still love you regardless' they are trying to express their unconditional love for you. But the fact is that changes in attitude don't fall into place until after changes in behaviour have been effected.

The solution to your difficulty is information - at the moment your mother is operating from ignorance. The unknown is always a scary proposition.

 

[Alberto_15]

Any updates?

 

[CanadianGuy]

Man, that must be really rough. It makes me never want to come out because I'm pretty sure my parents would react a similar way. Best of luck. I hope everything works out. Let us know.

 

[Shepherd 2]

You are one complicated man, and aren't we all.
I hope you can allow the people around you to catch up with the time you have had to come to terms with this news. If you can remain calm, it will be helpful. If it is tumultuous and each time it comes up there is a lot of tension, then it will take much longer.
Shep+

 

[civiccentre]

thanks so much for the feedback everyone, i feel a lot better to see you guys care. i see some of you had it easy, and some (like me i guess) didn't. i can't beleive it's almost been 2 weeks of them knowing now. my parents don't act all depressed anymore, and although my mom occasionally confronts me about my late night phone chats, she doesn't obsess about it. however i'm afraid to bring my gay life into my family life (i.e. dating etc.), because i dont want to bring up the subject again, every time they think about it they get sad & they're only coping now because they try not to think about it. oh well what can u do.

I hope you can allow the people around you to catch up with the time you have had to come to terms with this news.

that is so true! it took me so long to come to the conclusion that "i'm gay" - that was very very difficult. and if it was hard enough for me, i can't imagine how long my parents will take to adjust to that.

 

[CoolBlue71]

Dude, I know what you're going through. Last year, I met this guy at Universal who happened to work at the same attraction that my mom used to work at. I knew he was gay, so I told him that I was gay as well. I just came to terms with my sexuality around that time (it was July of 2006). Well, my mom confronted him and asked him if he knew if I was gay because every time she asked me, I denied it. Well, he told her I was gay indeed.

So, I come home from work to find my brother, his girlfriend, and my mom sitting on the living room couch. She says, "Kevin, come and sit down in here. We need to talk." So, I listened to her. She said "Travis told me you're gay. Is this true?" Of course, I was shocked because my best friend told her my secret, that I was indeed a gay man. So, I told her yes. She starts crying and says "I can't accept your lifestyle because it goes against my religion, but I will still love you no matter what because you are my son."

My brother and his girlfriend go through the same stuff she does. Then, my sister chimes in and says "You know you will be going to Hell because of you being gay." She was highly in her religious phase at the time. Since then, she has accepted it. My entire immediate family knows. My dad refuses to believe I'm gay and doesn't even want to meet my boyfriends because it's a "difficult area for him." I really am thinking of excommunicating myself away from him because he refuses to accept my lifestyle and sexual orientation.

So, I know how you feel and I sympathize for you. All I can say is, give it time. Your parents and siblings as well as your entire family will accept it over time, but always know that they love you for who you are because you are their son/brother/cousin/grandson/nephew, etc.

Kevin

I think getting yourself away from your family -- and focusing on your adult life -- will do you some good. Your own well-being, not your family's, is what should be your central concern. It's wonderful to be considerate of others; but even such others, including family, will walk over you (or anyone in a similar situation) if allowed, and they'd most likely prefer that you appease them.