My Mom's Views on Gays... what should I do?

[Lostlover]

I was watching TV with my mom and all of a sudden a really feminine guy comes on TV and she tells my brother, "if my son was gay, it would kill me." She was raised in the church I may add. But...

What's confusing, is she was expressing sorrow for the gay guy because his mom kicked him out the house at 11 for being gay. And my mom ALWAYS defends gays when they're being discrimminated and when relatives/co-workers make fun of gay people. She even told her brother to stop being so homophobic.

What am I to make of this?

 

[james1200]

your mom sounds like she'd come around...she sounds relatively open-minded despite those comments....you said sometimes she defends gays but it's always that attitude of "not in my house"...you know. do you wanna tell her? i couldn't even imagine where i'd begin with mine so i admire you if you are gonna.

 

[Swellegant]

Nobody ever actually died from having a gay son. Your mom will deal with it, the same way all our moms have had to deal with it. Maybe she'll kick you out, maybe she'll understand. Maybe she'll surprise you and herself by coming to an entirely different viewpoint on the matter. After all, Other People are always a very different proposition than One's Own People, and people find themselves accepting things in loved-ones that they would never have thought to accept in strangers.

You'll never know, and you'll never give her the opportunity to be cool about it, unless you tell her.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Your Mom might have gone a very long way from a reg. church raised person to someone who is against gay discrimination. Her journey might not be quite over yet.

Lots of people see positive social attitude as highly desirable. Especially, if it does not come too close to home.

Give her all the credit for what she has already achieved and try to impress upon her that in the end, each one of us sails his own ship...

SC

 

[puka-pride]

well... before my mom knew about me she would send mixed signals about it too... like she said she would stand up for gay rights and even march in a pride parade... but that gays shouldn't throw it in peoples faces.. holding hands... acting flamey.. etc...

if your mom is anything like my mom then i'm pretty sure the reason it would kill her is the thought of you not having a wife and kids one day... the idea that her son is gonna be judged and discriminated against for who he sleeps with and not for who he is.. and the whole promiscuity and aids problem in the gay community

 

[Kurn]

Parents are like that, darlin'.

 

[Riverrick]

It could be a defense too since a lot of mothers already suspect that their sons are gay. Sort of a way of warding off your gayness perhaps.

 

[pjlikesporn]

If you mom's willing to go that minimal a distance for gays she doesn't even know, imagine the marathon she'd run for her own son.

Her comment was most likely just some old pre-programmed response she learned long ago--I bet she'd react differently if something actually made her think about the issue.

 

[NewHampshireBoy]

Next time she says "if my son was gay, it would kill me." grab her by the hands, look her straight in the eyes and say "Do you want an open or closed casket at the wake?"

The best response ever!

 

[NewHampshireBoy]

Okay, but seriously, I think your mom would get over it. It would take her some time to mourn the loss of the life she had imagined for you, but I bet she'd come around quicker than you think.

 

[Soilwork]

Yeah, my parents had an un-Cher-like reaction.

They're uber-liberal until it was their own son. And then it wasn't so easy.

My mother was the worst. She called once or twice a week for about two years to tell me what a disappointment I was and how she hoped the grandparents died before they found out.

She bartered, made deals and begged.

But I was the one who's job it was to drag her kicking and screaming to a PFLAG meeting and she now she's the role model for embarrassing mothers of gay sons everywhere.

She's the defacto mother for all the gay students and she does all she can to help every gay kid coming out.

Just stand your ground and ride it out.

But you have to take step one.

you ready for that?

 

[Soilwork]

Either that or she's fine with gay people so long as it's not you.

either way.

 

[pjlikesporn]

Part of coming out is realizing that we have certain duties to ourselves that outrank any duties to others. In all likelihood, your mother won't completely turn her back on you; but part of your growth has to rest on the risk that she might. You simply have to decide that you're worth that risk.

 

[Lostlover]

your mom sounds like she'd come around...she sounds relatively open-minded despite those comments....you said sometimes she defends gays but it's always that attitude of "not in my house"...you know. do you wanna tell her? i couldn't even imagine where i'd begin with mine so i admire you if you are gonna.

I know for a fact that she'd love me regardless. BUT she has 4 "boys" and to her, boys like cowboy's and indians and all that cliche stuff including marrying a woman.

 

[Lostlover]

Either that or she's fine with gay people so long as it's not you.

either way.

That's definately how she feels now, but I think her mindframe about gender roles is so screwed up. She still believes gays are feminine and lesbians are butch. She's a highly educated woman with advanced university degrees, but it's a shame that she has COMPLETELY bought into stereotypes.

She would love me, I know that. But it was a dagger to the heart when she said it would "kill her" if she had a gay son.

I think she could come around if she met gay guys that weren't the stereotype. That would do wonders, but unfortunately she doesn't know too many.

 

[james1200]

how about your brothers? is it something you could tell them first? or just one of them? just so you have some support when you go to your mom.

tho i feel like a fraud giving you advise when i'm not out to anyone...just the guys i have sex with.

 

[Roland00]

I think its obvious this will be her initial reaction. She is going to be devastated and depressed. She may not have anything about gay people, she wouldnt' wish that lifestyle on anybody, and she will feel so sorry for you, especially since she is your son. She will try denial, followed by bartering and rationalizatin.

Eventually she will come to accept you are gay. She may not accept that you sleep with men and "live a gay lifestyle though" either she will continue trying to barter with you or the more likely option she will come to accept you and then become a true advocate for changing society.

 

[Soilwork]

I think she could come around if she met gay guys that weren't the stereotype. That would do wonders, but unfortunately she doesn't know too many.

Well she knows you, right?

I mean.. that might be a start.

 

[cocktales]

LL:

Face it bud, your Mom knows you're Gay and she's using you to get some emotion outta you!

I bet you Soilwork's PA that your Mom knows or has an indication that you "ARE" Gay!!!

Mom's have instincts about their children, they know you/us so very well that it's very, very difficult to hide anything from them!

Mine said she knew about me a long time.......years before I ever "Came-OUT" to her and Dad and that floored me! I thought I was so damned careful by not acting or showing any traits to indicate anything!

I mean, I've always been athletic, football is a passion, and I dated a lot during high school......you know those kind of dates that were cover-ups of my sexuality! Hey, I could lie about getting laid better than most guys in the locker-room, and I'd never even seen a pussy (NOT the cat either) until I saw it in an encylcopedia!

............and, your Mom WILL accept you, however you are!

I know we have many guys who are "chunked" outta their homes by fuck-wad-parents; but the way you talk about your Mom's acceptance of "other" gays, I'm certain she will come around about you!

Hang in there and consider coming OUT soon! ​

 

[travnd]

I think, it's fairly common to have that feeling, "i'm ok with gays as long as it's not my son". But I also feel that if a gay guy has other straight brothers that it would be much easier for the mom to accept it since one reason why a mom may feel this way is the idea of having grandchildren of her own is what she anticipates in the future, so it might be harder for only child cases.