Justice Smith
On the Prowl
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- Jan 28, 2007
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I know i posted this earlier but it's probably the only truthful thing i've ever written about myself where i wasn't trying to hide something about myself.
"I laughed, I cried"
- A Manic Depressive.
I'm in a bit of a similar situation at the moment, but not at the point you are yet, maybe i won't go in that direction, who knows.
I've accepted my own mortality and yet at times i fear my own death, irrationally i guess, at other times i sit staring at the walls wondering why i even bother thinking but it's all i seem to do. At the moment it seems i can't get out of my pattern of staying up all night doing nothing.
I have no friends anymore, i'm a bit of a slow starter, don't make real friends till the final year such was primary and high school. even then it's not like these friendships continue past that phase of school.
I know everyone, but no-one knows me and it distracts me from everything.
The two true passions in my life i have to push aside to become something i don't want to become, and yet i take no action to hinder that progression. I constantly feel a void of emptiness inside, even now it feels like there's a vacuum cleaner stuck through my back and sucking my life out from the inside.
I have so much time to myself that i often think so deeply that it feels as if my head will implode...mainly about the creation of the universe, what was there before it was it all just black, did black exist, how long did nothing go on for, what happens when i pass on, what happens tomorrow, what happened yesterday.
I spend so much time being what i want that i alienate chances to be what other people want, to know what they want.
I finally have everything i thought i wanted, i don't share a room with anyone anymore, I'm finally alone, but i'm too alone.
Nobody notices my unhappiness, i don't want to burden them with it, or maybe i'm afraid to change, i like things the way they are at home, i like being by myself, and not being bothered by my family and their materialistic wants.
I don't drink or smoke but i kill myself through other means, poor nutrition and all that.
I want to change but i want to be myself, i don't even have to be my real self, even then i typed real gay self but felt the urge to delete it, it is me but it says nothing about the way i act.
I put up a front at times that i'm a narcissists but that's just for comedy value as i have no real reason to be.
When i do have friends i spend all my time trying to make them laugh and for a while that works out fine, but then my schtick becomes stale and i barely elicit the reaction that i hope for, the one thing that keeps me happy.
I know that my grandfather will pass on soon and yet i persist on not seeing him, he's grown so frail lately, and i don't want to remember him as someone who knew he was dying, i want to remember him as someone who knew he was living.
I watch wrestling, but hate it when people only watch it as a means to a wank.
I find this funny...
"I laughed, I cried"
- A Manic Depressive.
I'm in a bit of a similar situation at the moment, but not at the point you are yet, maybe i won't go in that direction, who knows.
I've accepted my own mortality and yet at times i fear my own death, irrationally i guess, at other times i sit staring at the walls wondering why i even bother thinking but it's all i seem to do. At the moment it seems i can't get out of my pattern of staying up all night doing nothing.
I have no friends anymore, i'm a bit of a slow starter, don't make real friends till the final year such was primary and high school. even then it's not like these friendships continue past that phase of school.
I know everyone, but no-one knows me and it distracts me from everything.
The two true passions in my life i have to push aside to become something i don't want to become, and yet i take no action to hinder that progression. I constantly feel a void of emptiness inside, even now it feels like there's a vacuum cleaner stuck through my back and sucking my life out from the inside.
I have so much time to myself that i often think so deeply that it feels as if my head will implode...mainly about the creation of the universe, what was there before it was it all just black, did black exist, how long did nothing go on for, what happens when i pass on, what happens tomorrow, what happened yesterday.
I spend so much time being what i want that i alienate chances to be what other people want, to know what they want.
I finally have everything i thought i wanted, i don't share a room with anyone anymore, I'm finally alone, but i'm too alone.
Nobody notices my unhappiness, i don't want to burden them with it, or maybe i'm afraid to change, i like things the way they are at home, i like being by myself, and not being bothered by my family and their materialistic wants.
I don't drink or smoke but i kill myself through other means, poor nutrition and all that.
I want to change but i want to be myself, i don't even have to be my real self, even then i typed real gay self but felt the urge to delete it, it is me but it says nothing about the way i act.
I put up a front at times that i'm a narcissists but that's just for comedy value as i have no real reason to be.
When i do have friends i spend all my time trying to make them laugh and for a while that works out fine, but then my schtick becomes stale and i barely elicit the reaction that i hope for, the one thing that keeps me happy.
I know that my grandfather will pass on soon and yet i persist on not seeing him, he's grown so frail lately, and i don't want to remember him as someone who knew he was dying, i want to remember him as someone who knew he was living.
I watch wrestling, but hate it when people only watch it as a means to a wank.
I find this funny...