My neighbor is dead

[NotHardUp1]

Her name was Pat, my next-door neighbor, and she lost her battle with ovarian cancer. Her husband David and she were good friends, and we ate together a few times, including last Christmas. She was probably about 66 or so. I got the text in the early afternoon yesterday and was distracted at work so left. She wasn't expected to die this soon. She was in a trial treatment and I had seen her just a month ago in Nashville after a surgery. She looked good and was in good spirits. She wasn't afraid of dying, but wanted to live.

I've sent thousands of dollars in floral arrangements to funerals, but when I can, I like to just make one to personally put a hand to my thoughts, and help mark the passing, or whatever event I am sending them for. When motivated, I can make a good arrangement, but this wasn't that kind of thing, so I just bought dozens of roses and tried to get them presentable in a rectangular vase I had lying around. I didn't feel very creative beyond just picking colors.



I took a snap of them before setting them in the car to take over yesterday. The fall leaves made an unanticipated metaphor.

The thread's not to talk about Pat so much as it is to talk about death and grieving and specifically flowers. So many people publish remarks in funeral home obituaries other news about "no flowers" or requests to make donations to charities. That's fine, for many people find flowers wasteful, or even shy from the expense. But for me, I choose flowers. And I choose cut flowers more often, as they are a sacrifice, of an ancient order.

The ephemeral is here for us to appreciate while we have the hour. It withers soon, and is gone, but not the memory.

I hope I think of Pat whenever I see a blush of pink roses.

What about you? Do you have feelings about memorials? Do you have any strong memory of ones sent your family when you had a loss, or even when they went wrong?

 

[MusicMan321]

I remember when my dad passed away in 2020 it was a shock and still is today. But my dad was cremated so we didn't have a funeral or anything and after about 2 years he passed I finally had he name ingraved on the stone. And when I first saw it made me but now I know he's resting well with his mom and dad next to him ❤

 

[rareboy]

beautiful

 

[jaysizzles]

Sorry for your loss. The flower arrangement is lovely, and a special gesture because you made it.

I have to admit I'm not big on memorials and wakes/funerals, and especially the expense of them. As I'm getting older, but not at the point where I'm thinking I won't be around for at least another 20-25 + years or so, I'm thinking that I should have some plans made and paid for so it'll be easy for whomever has to dispose of me, for when my time comes. I should have taken care of that long ago, because you never know...

 

[Latimer]

Beautiful flowers. Thank you for your thoughts on the ephemeral. They are important to remember.

When my grandmother died, and I took a hand in the arrangements for her Saturday funeral I was careful to specify flowers that would be used for Sunday mass the following day.

Do you know The Canonization by John Donne? I thought of the lines, "... a well-wrought urn becomes the greatest ashes as half-acre tombs" in reading your post.

Of all great vases I am fondest of

We die and rise the same, and prove
Mysterious by this love.

We can die by it, if not live by love,
And if unfit for tombs and hearse
Our legend be, it will be fit for verse;
And if no piece of chronicle we prove,
We'll build in sonnets pretty rooms;
As well a well-wrought urn becomes
The greatest ashes, as half-acre tombs,
And by these hymns, all shall approve
Us canonized for Love.

I have recently been studying lekythoi, one of the varieties of ancient Greek funerary vases.

Google Search

 

[unloadonme]

Sad news, nice flowers. Ovarian cancer is particularly aggressive.

 

[NotHardUp1]

I had not read that by Donne. Thank you for sharing it. When I was in high school, I made All-State Choir in 1977, and one of our pieces was "At The Round Earth's Imagined Corners" by Donne. It was my introduction to him. I've been mesmerized by his ecstatic writings since then. Oddly, I have a friend in Michigan who used to live near me in Arkansas, and he's bipolar, and a bit of an evangelical zealot, but can write in a style very like Donne, which amazes me still.

Here is that same sonnet arranged by Williametta Spencer. It raises the hair on my neck, so passionate:

Holy Sonnets: At the round earth's imagin'd corners, blow​

By John Donne

At the round earth's imagin'd corners, blow
Your trumpets, angels, and arise, arise
From death, you numberless infinities
Of souls, and to your scatter'd bodies go;
All whom the flood did, and fire shall o'erthrow,
All whom war, dearth, age, agues, tyrannies,
Despair, law, chance hath slain, and you whose eyes
Shall behold God and never taste death's woe.
But let them sleep, Lord, and me mourn a space,
For if above all these my sins abound,
'Tis late to ask abundance of thy grace
When we are there; here on this lowly ground
Teach me how to repent; for that's as good
As if thou'hadst seal'd my pardon with thy blood.

 

[NotHardUp1]

Sad news, nice flowers. Ovarian cancer is particularly aggressive.

Thank you. Yes, even though she was a nurse, she didn't catch her own cancer until it was at Stage 3, so had little chance of surviving. She lived well, though, and got to see her daughter finish her master's degree two years ago, and Pat went back to Germany to visit relatives twice in the last couple of years, so was in touch with all her loved ones.

 

[Vannie]

Lost so many loved ones to cancer in the past few years that I sometimes forget they are gone. Lovely arrangement. RIP Pat

For my Mother who died in 92 and suffered so.

 

[EddMarkStarr]

What a beautiful arrangement.

I grieve over your loss but I thank you for sharing your feelings for Pat.

 

[eddielee]

The floral arrangement is very beautiful. I am very sorry that you lost your dear friend and neighbor.

 

[Rickrock]

When someone closer to us dies we order flowers from a florist to be delivered to the funeral home. Sometimes we go in with someone else on a flower arrangement to split the cost. If it is someone more distant we just pay our respects at the wake. I am not good at arranging flowers and it is usual to have the florist deliver them so the undertaker can set up the display. Flowers are expensive but a nice thought. We often donate a small token of money to help the family pay the funeral expenses or to have prayers said for the deceased's soul since that is our belief.

Your arrangement of flowers was beautiful.

 

[Thad1527]

I'm sorry to learn of your loss. Thank you for what you did. I'm certain others who loved Pat will find beauty in the flowers and find some consolation knowing you mourn her passing, too.

 

[PrinceCory]

What about you? Do you have feelings about memorials? Do you have any strong memory of ones sent your family when you had a loss, or even when they went wrong?

About 15 years ago, my mother passed away unexpectedly. At the "Viewing" the evening before the funeral service at the Funeral home a woman came up to me. I knew who she was due to a previous contact with her during the course of my job. Kind of like a teacher would have contact with a parent concerning their child in school. First thing she said to me after giving me her condolence, was to ask me if I was a "Christian." Normally I would reply that I was not comfortable talking about that topic outside of a church enviroment. But I told her I was and she went on to recite things from the bible. I didn't really pay attention to her as my mind was on my mother. Maybe I was upset because I am not a religious person but I respect what other people believe in to help themselves.

While that is a strong memory of mine it didn't really answer your OP. After my mother's funeral service the family decides what to do with the flowers and plants. I selected 2 plants to keep. One was from the office that I worked out of for the previous 20 years and the other plant was from the Corporate Office. One of them I was able to keep alive for 10 years (although for the last couple of years it was in sad shape).

 

[NotHardUp1]

Thanks for sharing your memories. That is not the only time I have heard Evangelicals exploit a funeral to proselytize. That is also how I first met some Mormon missionaries in Arkansas while attending the funeral of a friend's mother. The boys thought it was a good means of meeting local people. I later enjoyed learning a lot from them about their religion, free from the imposed qualifiers that other denominations impose in describing them.

The "Celebration of Life" for my neighbor was yesterday. It capped off an already horrible weekend of a turnaround trip to Arkansas and back that took twice as long (both directions) as it should have. The memorial service (here in Huntsville) was a botch on just about every level, but I'll spare everyone the whining in detail. I'm glad it's over at least. Going to fuck-ups like that explains why an increasing number of souls request no service at all, as my first cousin did who also died last week.