My Parents Found OUt.. def. not the way i wanted

[1091MAC]

Lucky7

I am sorry that you currently feel the way you do, but I am glad that you came to JUB to get some advice. I know there are many here who will be able to give some great suggestions.

Just a few things occured to me. First, you say that you feel uncomfortable at home, but I think is mainly becuase this is so new. With a bit of time, I would think that would pass. Second, I think its great what your Dad did by giving you a hug. My Dad never initiated anything like that. As for your mom, I think she is just confused, shocked and trying to sort all of this out. You are fortunate that she is just trying to understand it all. I can only think that by talking more with them that things will get better. They obviously love you very much and just want to understand.

My only advice is keep talking to them. Now that this new information has been revealed, just clarify and answer the questions they have, no mater how stupid they may seem. I know my mother would do the same thing.

Please don't think about hurting yourself. Contact me or someone you chat with on JUB and talk with thm on the telephone or anyone else you feel you can trust. I don't believe in God but please know my thoughts are with you. I wish I were with you in person, but this will have to do.

 

[jft245]

I think that your parents dont understand, but no matter what they love you very much. Alot of parents have thrown their kids out when they found out they were gay or bi, yours seem to accept the fact. They may not like it, but they seem to be trying to accept you for who you are.

 

[HartfordGuy]

Your Mom will come around. Moms often think that they did something wrong in bring us up when they discover we are gay. Did they "mother" us too much? If we don't like girls, do we not like our mothers? Stupid questions like that.

Some are upset because they think "oh no! no grandchildren!" or " What will the rest of the family think?"

She'll be ok. Give her time. Dad sounds like he has a better grip on it.

Explain to her that you have no gay friends. That is why you were online seeing who was gay out there. Just becasue you were looking at Gay sex ads doesn't mean you were a whore. That is like saying a kid who reads car magazines everyday is a speed demon on the roads and being a reckless driver.

But sometimes when things get too overwhelming it is time to see a therapist. No shame in that. They can help you deal with some of the baggage and family drama. If money is an issue, there are some that would on a sliding scale. They charge what you can afford.

 

[reach]

If your parents say they love you then they do. Keep that in your heart. But more than that you are depressed and have anxiety problems. Please see a therapist at the very least. Find one who works with Bi/Gay people if you can. Good luck and stay strong.

 

[Jay.Jay]

I agree with the comments that have been made about seeking help for your depression, and that your Dad's response was good. I also think that there are some issues to work through, and this is best done by talking with your parents, and trying to help them to understand who you are. It's also important for them to understand how you are feeling, and that there are times when you want to be left alone and even trying to see if you are OK can feel like a real imposition (at least, I feel that at times when my depression has me curled up in bed trying to avoid the world).

Having said all of that, I also think that you need to address some issues of boundaries with them. Since you are living with them, you have to abide by some of their rules - but, at 22, I don't think it is reasonable for them to read your email, or monitor what websites you visit. It's OK for them to set rules about what you do in their house, but that doesn't mean that you have no privacy. It also means that you have the right to NOT share things that you don't want to discuss. You need their hep and support - and it sounds like they are willing to provide that - but it is still important that your life is your own.

Finally, if you do feel that you are about to act on your thoughts of self-harm, get some help - whether it be parents, or people here on JUB, or a doctor, or crisis lines - but please do tell someone if that happens.

 

[lightkeeper483]

i too habe social anxiety disorder and its not as easy as you guys think to ,DISCUSS things with any one. hopefully he will be ok, sometimes i dont talk to any one for days, i dont answer the phone or go to the door , its like living in a washing machine, hoping no one opens the door until after the rinse cycle is done.

 

[moonrabbit]

How did your mom find out exactly? Because this sounds like an invasion of privacy.

 

[rareboy]

Oh god, get help. Your parents sound wonderful. Your dad gave you a hug????

 

[megustamyn]

I’m sorry that you’re going through so much. I’ve been there.

Living in New Jersey, with apparently easy access to New York City, there are many resources available to you.

The first place where I found some support was Identity House, http://www.identityhouse.org/, which offers support groups for gay people. I first went there at my therapist’s suggestion. I made many good friends among the guys I met there.

New York has a very active gay community center, http://www.gaycenter.org/.
. The guys that I met at Identity house introduced me to it. At the Center you can find social groups, support groups, counseling services, cultural events, etc. It’s a great place to find support and meet people in a non-threatening environment. I used to belong to a group called Men of All Colors Together. I enjoyed that group because its meetings are usually structured with presentations so you’re not forced into social interactions but there is also time for fellowship if you feel comfortable just hanging out and talking with people.

PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), http://pflag.org/, provides support and resources for parents of gay people and to help people come out to their families. There active chapters in the New York Metro Area.

If you or your family are dealing with religious issues, there are many groups that provide support and resources. Metropolitan Community Churches, http://www.mccchurch.org, have been serving the gay community for nearly 40 years. They have a large church on West 36 Street in Manhattan, http://www.mccny.org/, where I worshipped for many years until I moved away. The Unity Fellowship, http://www.unityfellowshipchurch.org/, ministers primarily to African American gay people. They have churches in Brooklyn and in Newark. I have friends at the Brooklyn church and have attended there several times. I also know the pastor at the Newark church and she is a wonderful woman.

I encourage you to check out these resources. Their web sites will provide links to other helpful resources.

Good luck!

 

[G-Lexington]

Lucky7, you certainly earned the first part of your handle there. Your parents found out before you were ready to tell them, and they didn't freak out. Your mother asked questions - normal ones, all - and your father did precisely the right thing.

You say you have trouble talking face-to-face, and I know others with similar problems. Can you write your thoughts down? Write your parents a letter? Thank them for their support, explain what's been going through your head the last few years (and the last few days), try to explain where you are? Taking your time and writing it down is still stressful, but tends to be easier than talking face to face.

Good luck, buddy.

Lex

 

[unclaimedblessing]

Take it easy on yourself and your parents. You're all just human beings going through a crisis.
If you suspected your sexuality for a long time and resisted it, this could be an element of your depression.
Since you parents just found out, they are going through their own psychological adjustment, but they have displayed their continuing love and support.
Even if Mom was snooping, since she knows about your depression, she probably was concerned about your well being and was trying to understand and help.
Most of us experience a similar angst at you age. Continue to see your doctor and tell your folks you're grateful for them and love them.

 

[luminum]

It sucks, but looka t things with some perspective:

Your parents don't know what you're doing.

Your parents accept you. Your mom says there's no problem with being gay. Yoru dad told you he loves you. I'd take that as them being accepting.

But they're never going to know what your life is about unless you work up the nerve to sit down with them and open up. I know you have anxiety, but right now, it looks like you're stressed and messed up because 'they don't know you' and you're going nuts over them having the wrong impression of you--that you're some sex-crazed slut.

And your solution seems to be to freak out and shut them out and withdraw. What is that going to accomplish? Your parents are worried, and you're not giving them any reason to think otherwise.

So work up some courage, push your anxiety out of the way at least for 20 minutes and let them know that yes, you're bi, but you're concerned that they have the wrong perception of what you've been doing and that you're not a sex-addicted ho. Tell them that you're a virgin or that you've only had sex once or twice and that's it.

They can ask you questions, and you'll have to hope that you're strong enough against your anxieties to answer them and clear the air so that harmony can be reestablished.

Hiding in your shell and keeping them in the dark won't solve anything.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Lucky,

Mate Luminum has some very wise words here....

Right now mate, as hard as it is, you have to find that little bit more strength to sit your parents down and explain this all to them...you have to be completely honest and open with them...the way you have here with us. Tell them what you told us...word for word. Use that same courage with them that you showed here.

Your parents love you mate...dont forget that. And all they want to know is that your happy. But right now they dont understand. They dont understand how you feel, what it means to be gay...and most of all they dont understand that like all people you just crave love companionship and intimacy. Its nothing to be ashamed of...its normal.

Most of all mate you just need to reassure your parents that you haven't changed. You;re still you...the same loving decent caring son they know. You do have the same morals and values you always had...this doesn't change you. You havent hooked up and whored around. You were searching for something thats all. You still laugh and cry, you still feel pain and loneliness like before.

Our parents often have a lot of questions that they're searching for answers for...usually in all the wrong places...and they often make things worse in their own minds because they just dont know. Dont let that happen mate. Let them see the real open you...the you that they can wrap their arms around love and fully accept. You're worth that love...your worth that respect. Let them give it to you.

And Lucky, I suspect when you do, when you do open up and tell them how you really feel warts and all, I suspect that just some of your anxiety will disappear too. To know that you are loved accepted and supported is the greatest confidence booster of all. To know that your parents still see you as their loving son no matter what lets you know just how important and incredible you are.

Because mate....you are.

 

[StlKj]

Lucky, without trying to sound insensitive to your pain at all of this:

WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!

This is just about the best response your parents could have possibly given you!!!!!! This is the response that gay people all over the world, throughout all time, would kill to get from their parents. They did everything but join PFLAG before confronting you. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

Now, this doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but think of it this way--they don't need to know the particulars of your sex life, and probably don't want the particulars--just like most parents of hetero people!

I spent years sure that my parents would disown me and never speak to me again. That they would hate me once they found out. I agonized and never explored being gay until age 29, even though I had known I was gay all along and had even come out to a number of my friends. My parents took it so much better than I ever would have imagined--their one restriction was that they just did not want any details, but that was after telling me I had to do what would make me happy. My therapist at the time was elated, and while I was still a wreck after calling them in for a session, he practically jumped for joy for me. So, I'm jumping for joy for you now.

You have to realize something--if your parents know you're depressed and withdrawing from the world, they've probably been frantically searching for some way to love you through this. They have probably felt helpless, and may have even been afraid they were going to lose you to suicide, or at least to depression. While they may be somewhat intrusive for a while, remember that their primary function in life until now, in their minds, was to protect you, raise you, and love you. They might not be doing it in the way you prefer, but from the sound of it, they're trying awfully darned hard.

I know it is still going to be tough for a while, as you have to get a place where you are fully comfortable with them knowing, as well as fully comfortable with yourself (which I suspect is a lot of what is still playing here). But if I were you, I'd buy them the most incredible Hallmark card expressing my gratitude and love at their acceptance and love.

And I will say this--moving out now to be by yourself could be one of the worst things you could possibly do. You would be isolating yourself even more, and isolation is one of the last stages of the downward spiral we sometimes find ourselves in. Once a person isolates from everyone, the path of depression often plummets into the most dangerous kind of thinking. You really sound like you're projecting your own discomfort with yourself and what you've done onto them. Try to be more concerned with what is in your head about your behavior, instead of trying to read their minds. I would almost bet everything I have that you're being far more judgmental of yourself than they are right now.

Congratulations on getting through what for many people is the hardest part of learning to accept themselves! And hang in there, Darlin'--you can get through this.
​

 

[moonrabbit]

moonrabbit, my mom is super nosy and I have no idea how she found out. She said it just popped up on the computer but I don't even use the same computer as my parents. I may have signed into a yahoo account once htat had emails about hookups, but that wouldn't show her much else.

If I were in your shoes, I'd have a word with my mom. Obviously, she was snooping since emails don't open up on their own. While I'm happy your parents had a positive reaction regarding your sexuality, I think the issue of invading one's personal space and reading their mail needs to be discussed. Because that may play a factor in why you don't feel comfortable in your own home. Also, there's a free software called CCleaner that permanently deletes history searches.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi lucky, glad you're feeling better. You're totally correct in that you'll feel better once the idea of them knowing sinks in and you get used to it. As you feel more comfortable with yourself, it'll be easier for you to know others know without feeling so self-conscious about it.

Good luck with all this. Even though you're uncomfortable atm, getting this out in the open is one of the best things that could have happened. I'm glad your family is so loving, too.

Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.

 

[eyeboy]

In a way you should be glad that at least your parents aren't homophobic, but i'm sorry to hear about the circumstances that you went through. Give them time, hopefully then they will be more receptive to your point of view, the things that she saw did not actually happen..

I wish my parents understood, however, they are those 'traditional' types that would be absolutely devastated if I told them I'm bi (I'm the only child too). Guess i would have to leave with this for the rest of my life