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My partner doesn't reciprocate.

raskdog

raskdog

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I have been in a relationship with a man for a few months now. He is a kind caring man and I think I am completely in love with him. I can easily imagine spending the rest of my life with him. In fact the thought of not spending the rest of my life with him terrifies me. There is only one problem. When we are having sex he rarely reciprocates. He will let me do anything to him but he will lie there and just take it and rarely do anything back. He will say to me, "I'm a big slut aren't I?". I realise that I am the top in the relationship and I love doing what I do to him but I would love him to reciprocate a lot more. He always comes before me and will then just basically go to sleep, making me have to wank myself off before I come. I want to say something to him but I'm not sure how and I want to do it in a way that is not going to jeopardise the relationship. Any advice?
 
You need to be careful to make the distinction between loving someone and creating a relationship and loving a relationship and creating a partner. A true relationship will have two people willing to create it together. So, you need his participation in making that happen. Always, always, always ask for what you want and explain what you need. You won't always get it, but at that point you'll make the decision as to whether or not to make sacrifices.

What you describe isn't going to help build a working understanding. Successful relationships don't happen by magic. That's why so many of them end. When things are important, and sex can be at or near the top of the list, they need to be addressed. It's ok if your baby keeps getting dinner, but you need to let him know you need some dessert.
 
Yes, I agree with Seasoned. This doesn't sound caring at all. To be completely oblivious to your partner's sexual needs is a GLARING flaw that could not be ignored, or worked around. It needs to be addressed and discussed. And if he is unwilling to change anything, or says he is but then doesn't do anything, or it never lasts more than a few times... Well, I understand your feelings and everything, but I'd cut my losses and end it before I build resentment that could then mar all my future relationships...
 
raskdog said:
I want to say something to him but I'm not sure how and I want to do it in a way that is not going to jeopardise the relationship. Any advice?
Click to expand...

This part actually concerns me more than the fact he is a selfish lover because it indicates that something is seriously lacking in your ability to communicate with each other, which is crucial to a healthy relationship. Also, if you are afraid that something you want to talk about will damage your relationship, you are telling us your relationship is fragile, right?
Now is the time to make changes. Do you really want to spend the rest of you life dissatisfied with your sex life, unable to talk about things that are important to you and walking on egg shells for fear of jeopardizing something you have with him?

Just because he is the bottom, doesn't mean he shouldn't be a good lover. A good lover, whether top or bottom, cares more about the pleasure of his partner than his own. If both people put the other one first, sex is awesome. One-sided sex only satisfies one and leads to resentment for the other.

Start talking to him about sex, but don't wait until you are having sex. You can do it and you should do it.
 
Seasoned said:
You need to be careful to make the distinction between loving someone and creating a relationship and loving a relationship and creating a partner. A true relationship will have two people willing to create it together. So, you need his participation in making that happen. Always, always, always ask for what you want and explain what you need. You won't always get it, but at that point you'll make the decision as to whether or not to make sacrifices.

What you describe isn't going to help build a working understanding. Successful relationships don't happen by magic. That's why so many of them end. When things are important, and sex can be at or near the top of the list, they need to be addressed. It's ok if your baby keeps getting dinner, but you need to let him know you need some dessert.
Click to expand...

^^^^^^^^
Very well said..

Communication, trust are the 2 main keys in a LTR, love and the rest fall in place. You both need to have a good sit down talk about each others wants/needs in this relationship. Any LTR has to have some form of compromise or it can be over b4 it begins. He may have underlying issues that you don't know of. So getting all issues out on the table lets you all know how your minds each work at you start this journey.


I have been with my honey for 28yrs now and would not trade it for the world. But ups/downs compromise goes w/o saying. But we made it work, and we are even better now than before. We evolved as we grew older together, and our sex is even better than ever.

So it has to be both sides to make it work not just one sided cuz it can be doomed b4 it really gets off the ground.

wish you luck, and never give up if it is what you both want...
 
raskdog said:
...I want to do it in a way that is not going to jeopardise the relationship...
Click to expand...

Why? Just tell him what you're thinking. A healthy relationship requires honesty. Don't you think?
 
I agree with all the previous advice. Relationships are not easy. If you want it to work you must communicate a lot, keeping things to yourself will only bring resentment and frustration. No need to argue, just talk about it honestly, if he is not willing to have a civilized conversation about your concerns and needs, then, perhaps, it may be time to move on.
 
raskdog said:
I have been in a relationship with a man for a few months now. He is a kind caring man and I think I am completely in love with him. I can easily imagine spending the rest of my life with him. In fact the thought of not spending the rest of my life with him terrifies me. There is only one problem. When we are having sex he rarely reciprocates. He will let me do anything to him but he will lie there and just take it and rarely do anything back. He will say to me, "I'm a big slut aren't I?". I realise that I am the top in the relationship and I love doing what I do to him but I would love him to reciprocate a lot more. He always comes before me and will then just basically go to sleep, making me have to wank myself off before I come. I want to say something to him but I'm not sure how and I want to do it in a way that is not going to jeopardise the relationship. Any advice?
Click to expand...

Just say it. Communication is key in any relationship and it seems like you're definitely not getting everything you want in the sex department. Speak up before you start resenting it and then it would be way worse, it will become a huge argument or even worse, you could be inclined to cheat.
 
Okay I also think relationships take time to build but I don't think the relationship is the issue - it's the bedroom.

People can care about you, be turned on by you, want to satisfy you physically and emotionally, and still be paaaaaainfully shy and awkward about how to do it or how to take the lead. It doesn't mean he's selfish or uncaring (at least not yet). He could just be really awkward and letting you take the lead all the time is his way of staying inside his comfort zone.

Take it one step at a time, and encourage him to do little things that you like. Don't complain about what's missing. Encourage even the smallest moves toward the kind of sexual dynamic you want.

So "It would be really sexy if you tried XXX for a bit before I fuck you…"
Or. "It turns me on to imagine you doing XXXX…."
Or. "Okay, now I want you to try XXXX…."

Not "It turns me off because you never XXXX…"
not "It's not working for me because you never XXX…."

Give him encouragement and reassurance, at the same time as giving him information about the things you don't do now but would really turn you on.

Maybe he should show more courage to leave his comfort zone, but that is way different from just being a jerk.

Have fun!
 
^ I would agree.

But if you have someone who is all about getting and not about giving...it won't work in the long term.

This passive aggressive behaviour will be present outside the bedroom too after awhile.

Or you will become so frustrated and bored that it will all end in tears.

Get him into best friend territory and go out and find the guy that gives back as much and as good as he gets.
 
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