My partner is a hoarder

[raskdog]

I have been co-habiting with my partner for almost two years. He is a compulsive hoarder. I'm talking about the type of hoarding seen on tv shows. There is literally no space anywhere. We cannot eat off the dining table as it is covered with stuff and the place is full of rats. During the honeymoon phase it didn't concern me. But as time goes on it is gradually wearing me down. Every night he'll bring something new home and expect me to be as excited about it as he is. He is always talking about cleaning the place up but I don't really think he wants or is able to do anything about it. I love this guy. Apart from his hoarding he is a fantastic guy -warm, friendly and caring. I don't really want to break off the relationship but don't think I can handle the hoarding anymore either. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[HunterM]

Call the TV channel TLC to come feature your place. If you get featured, TLC brings along a counselor and an organizer. Get both of you to go to counseling. Living with rats could deteriorate both of your health.

What do your friends say when they come over?

 

[racer2438]

so start clearing the place, of unwanted crap and keep throwing stuff that is not needed away.. or donate it to a shelter..

 

[bruce379]

ebay. at least make some money out of it that he can use for therapy

while getting rid of all the other stuff too lol. hmmm. that reminds me: get rid of half my clothes and shoes.

 

[kineticpsi]

Ask him if he is willing to at least attend a few therapy sessions. Then you'll see him at least making an effort and he will see that you are being supportive even though he has an issue. It might go nowhere and the problem could never go away so it comes down to what you are willing to do to stay in the relationship. I've heard of couples with this problem that live separate even though they are in a committed relationship.

 

[darden]

a serious commitment to therapy is the root answer.

if you can't do that, talk about it and see if you can find a compromise situation.

I actually grew up with a hoarder (my dad)... if you just go in and start clearing the place out, you're probably only going to make the situation worse. treating the symptoms won't cure the disease.

my dad is still a bit of a hoarder, but my parents worked out a compromise when they moved into the new house 20 years ago. my dad has 2 rooms in the basement in which to do whatever he wants. if his stuff starts to encroach on other areas of the house, it gets thrown out. once/year, my mom will make him go through it and throw out anything that's expired (my dad's also a compulsive shopper, so his hoarding is of stuff like canned/dry goods, whatever household supplies were on sale, etc.)

 

[lonnie1]

I agree with Darden's approach. This is a disease that most people can't shake. It will become the source of many fights between you and your partner unless he is willing to get counseling to try to control it. Unless you treat the disease, he won't change.

 

[Orlandude]

Hoarding cannot be cured. It is a lifelong disability. It can sometimes be controlled with meds and therapy and improvements can be seen, but the hoarder still feels the same way about his stuff. I have a friend of many years who is a hoarder and that was what he learned. He had some positive results with therapy but still hoards things, however not as much as before therapy. Some therapists will also recommend anti-depressants but they don't work for a lot of people.

 

[Telstra]

Hoarding cannot be cured. It is a lifelong disability. It can sometimes be controlled with meds and therapy and improvements can be seen, but the hoarder still feels the same way about his stuff. I have a friend of many years who is a hoarder and that was what he learned. He had some positive results with therapy but still hoards things, however not as much as before therapy. Some therapists will also recommend anti-depressants but they don't work for a lot of people.

What if you make him so busy and have no time for hoarding ?

 

[dragon08]

Be careful about just throwing stuff out. He may get over protective and angry about his stuff. Take him to therapy if possible. Try not to take all if our advise super seriously this is a mental condition and as far as I'm aware none of us are psychiatrists so keep in mind that most of us are just guessing.

 

[redips]

I second darden's suggestion:

my dad is still a bit of a hoarder, but my parents worked out a compromise when they moved into the new house 20 years ago. my dad has 2 rooms in the basement in which to do whatever he wants. if his stuff starts to encroach on other areas of the house, it gets thrown out. once/year, my mom will make him go through it and throw out anything that's expired (my dad's also a compulsive shopper, so his hoarding is of stuff like canned/dry goods, whatever household supplies were on sale, etc.)

Set aside a space where he can hoard all he wants.

My ex had a similar (though much less dramatic) problem where he keeps ALL his receipts. There would be receipts laying everywhere and it would drive me crazy. Then I told him that he'd have to put all his receipts in boxes, and I'd put them in a storage room, and any receipt that lies around the house for more than a few days would be thrown out.