My Partner is HIV+

[TyMckay]

I really want comments/opinions please, if you're reading for the hell of reading it or because you're curious please, stop reading.

Ok, my BF is HIV+. I've known since we were like only two months together, I guess I found out because he was really paranoic about sex when we were first dating, and he was always paranoic about his "vitamins" too. At first I hoped it wasn't true but then six months into our relationship he finally told me. I have to say i was happy in a way that he finally trusted me enough to tell me, it was the not-knowing what had me crazy.

We both go to an organization called "Impacta" that helps couples like us in my country, we are ridiculously careful (I think a little too much in fact but it's better) I get tested every 3 months and I'm "clean".

He got it from a tattoo he had done when he was 15, he has been living with it for over 10 years now and he says he is fine with it, he even volunteers at that center to help other HIV+ men.

I forget about it for like 90% of the time, but there is always something random and almost stupid that reminds me of it, like for example today we were cooking and some hot oil jumped to his arm, we went to the bathroom yaddayadda and then he told me to leave because he was bleeding and he didn't want me to be arround, I like an idiot asked him why and then it came back to my mind, he said that even thou it was a little (really little, almost nothing) bleed it was better for me not to be there because something could happen.

I want to talk about it but I can't really be open in the help-groups because he volunteers there and he is in the meeting and when i try talking to him about it he changes the subject, there have been a few times where he was ok with talking about it but it's not very often.

At first I joined JUB because... well lets face it, to JO xD... but I've met nice people here and i would like to know what do you think about this, i know we are supercareful but... straight couples that are "supercareful" too eventually get pregnant, maybe i'll get infected, all of this stuff in my head...

Oh... and for the random j6rk that always asks: No, I don't want to get infected. And I don't want to leave him, I love him.

 

[silverbelt]

I think you sound like you know what you're doing and should be commended for your commitment to him (going to Impacta, etc). There's no reason at all this relationship can't work and it seems you're both smart enough to manage any risks.

I can definitely understand why he waited so long to tell you. A lot of people can have a violently adverse reaction to finding out, but you two have passed that anyway.

Is your main concern the chance of your own infection? What is it do you think that is nagging you at the back of your mind?

 

[Croynan]

i notice your avatar indicates you are in an open relations ship - how does that effect
your relationship with your boyfriend?

eM.

 

[KaraBulut]

I really want comments/opinions please, if you're reading for the hell of reading it or because you're curious please, stop reading.

I'm happy to comment but I'm not sure whether you're looking for advice or just general comments?

 

[vidarr]

I can relate to your bf. When I first found out I was poz I would freak out if I got the tiniest cut or flu.
I was scared to date guys for a long time out of fear I'd be giving them aids.
Or feeling that I wasn't worth as much because I was "dirty" from hiv.

You need to let him know that you aren't going to leave him, and you will be patient until he's comfortable talking about it.

To piggyback Silverbelt's comment I think it's wonderful you are supporting him and informing yourself.

Like many things in life.. theres no point in regretting hiv cause whats done is done.
Nobody wants to get it, but if you prepare yourself for the worst it won't be nearly as bad when mistakes do happen.

Hope that helped..

 

[Rooster]

They just recently found that a certain antiviral can be taken that can help prevent getting HIV. When I heard about it my first thought was that it would be invaluable to partners where one is HIV + and the other is not. It is something to keep an open ear about.

From a medical standpoint, one of the best things he could be doing is regularly taking his medicine like he should. Doing so will keep his viral levels low and so if you do come in contact with any blood, the chances of getting infected will be significantly lower. Also, staying healthy in general by exercising and eating well will keep his immune system up and will make it safer for you.

Another thing to remember is HIV is blood borne. It requires that blood or seminal fluid from him come in contact with an open sore that you have. Being aware of your own body and any hurts you might have is a good preventive measure.

Finally, not having anal sex would be the best bet. The odds of contracting HIV from frotting, oral sex, masturbation, etc. are very low assuming you have no open sores. Anal sex is by far where most infections take place.

A good way of thinking about this is in terms of probability. There are a lot of things you can do to lower the likelihood that you will get infected. Honestly, any one of us could be dead tomorrow. For example, there is a probability we could be struck by lightning, but we don't worry about it because the odds are low and we can watch for signs of bad weather. As long as he is healthy, taking his medicine, and you are taking the necessary safer sex precautions, then the odds of you getting infected are also very low.

 

[TyMckay]

Is your main concern the chance of your own infection? What is it do you think that is nagging you at the back of your mind?

I don't think it is, what is always there annoying me is that we are never going to be able to do some stuff.

i notice your avatar indicates you are in an open relations ship - how does that effect
your relationship with your boyfriend?

eM.

xD For us "Open Relationship" means that if one of us wants to do something with someone else we find a way to make it work, maybe talking him into a threesome or switching partners or stuff like that, but we always know what the other one is doing and we we trust the other one is not doing something stupid.

I'm happy to comment but I'm not sure whether you're looking for advice or just general comments?

General comments, talking about it helps. It's just that i don't have anyone to talk about it that it's not a friend of him.

They just recently found that a certain antiviral can be taken that can help prevent getting HIV. When I heard about it my first thought was that it would be invaluable to partners where one is HIV + and the other is not. It is something to keep an open ear about.

From a medical standpoint, one of the best things he could be doing is regularly taking his medicine like he should. Doing so will keep his viral levels low and so if you do come in contact with any blood, the chances of getting infected will be significantly lower. Also, staying healthy in general by exercising and eating well will keep his immune system up and will make it safer for you.

Another thing to remember is HIV is blood borne. It requires that blood or seminal fluid from him come in contact with an open sore that you have. Being aware of your own body and any hurts you might have is a good preventive measure.

Finally, not having anal sex would be the best bet. The odds of contracting HIV from frotting, oral sex, masturbation, etc. are very low assuming you have no open sores. Anal sex is by far where most infections take place.

A good way of thinking about this is in terms of probability. There are a lot of things you can do to lower the likelihood that you will get infected. Honestly, any one of us could be dead tomorrow. For example, there is a probability we could be struck by lightning, but we don't worry about it because the odds are low and we can watch for signs of bad weather. As long as he is healthy, taking his medicine, and you are taking the necessary safer sex precautions, then the odds of you getting infected are also very low.

I'll keep this in mind... but even if that antiviral exists i doubt it will get here (Peru) for some years.

Thanks everyone, don't know if you believe me but just having someone to talk to about this or someone that takes interest makes it go away.

 

[KaraBulut]

There was another thread recently where there was a discussion of discordant partners- couples where one is HIV+ and the other is HIV-.

The studies of these couples show that if the HIV+ person is taking HAART therapy (and therefore has a low HIV viral load) and if the couple is practicing safer sex, there's no increased incidence of transmission of the virus to the HIV- partner.

The implication is that safer sex is effective in preventing infection. For some reason, when we know a person's status, we think we're more at risk. Practicing safer sex with a stranger is no different than practicing safer sex with an HIV+ person.

If your boyfriend isn't on anti-retrovirals and if he's not having his immune system evaluated on a regular basis, he should start doing this. HIV treatment lowers the amount of HIV in body fluids. This helps his body control the virus and it also lowers your risk of being infected.

 

[Nomenclature]

There was another thread recently where there was a discussion of discordant partners- couples where one is HIV+ and the other is HIV-.

The studies of these couples show that if the HIV+ person is taking HAART therapy (and therefore has a low HIV viral load) and if the couple is practicing safer sex, there's no increased incidence of transmission of the virus to the HIV- partner.

The implication is that safer sex is effective in preventing infection. For some reason, when we know a person's status, we think we're more at risk. Practicing safer sex with a stranger is no different than practicing safer sex with an HIV+ person.

If your boyfriend isn't on anti-retrovirals and if he's not having his immune system evaluated on a regular basis, he should start doing this. HIV treatment lowers the amount of HIV in body fluids. This helps his body control the virus and it also lowers your risk of being infected.

Kara, I was hoping you've heard of this and could offer your opinion on it:

I've heard that in Switzerland, doctors are taught that if a person takes HAART therapy and remains undetectable, that they're considered virtually "non-infectious" to sexual partners or their baby via delivery.

Is this dangerous to assume? Are there these doctors basing their belief on any reputable studies? I remember hearing this was quite controversial.

 

[CabalNaaman]

I believe it is a great thing that you accepted your boyfriend and stood by his side after he let you know of his status. This only shows how much you actually care for him and how genuine your love for him is. I believe HIV+ poeple deserve to live "normal," complete, and happy lives.

As far as the safety goes, I think it's great that you guys are very careful. It's very considerate of your bf to be so ridiculously cautious, but I do believe he should relax a bit. We all know the remote presence of blood will not transmit the virus. By practicing very safe sex, you guys should be more than ok.

Your love and support for your boyfriend is admirable. Wish you guys the best in life!

 

[bankside]

There was another thread recently where there was a discussion of discordant partners- couples where one is HIV+ and the other is HIV-.

The studies of these couples show that if the HIV+ person is taking HAART therapy (and therefore has a low HIV viral load) and if the couple is practicing safer sex, there's no increased incidence of transmission of the virus to the HIV- partner.

The implication is that safer sex is effective in preventing infection. For some reason, when we know a person's status, we think we're more at risk. Practicing safer sex with a stranger is no different than practicing safer sex with an HIV+ person.

If your boyfriend isn't on anti-retrovirals and if he's not having his immune system evaluated on a regular basis, he should start doing this. HIV treatment lowers the amount of HIV in body fluids. This helps his body control the virus and it also lowers your risk of being infected.

I'm curious, increased incidence compared to what?