My relationship just ended today...

[BensonhurstBri]

I came home from a normal Friday at work.

I suspected something was "off" for the last two weeks. I texted my man ,"Is everything OK with us..." No response. I came home and we sat on the couch and I asked him the same question...he took a deep breath and started crying.

And then I just knew there where it was going. He said I have been the most patient man ever with him and have done everything for him, even more than his dad and that he cant say a negative thing about me and he loves me... but he feels he was holding me back from me doing what I wanna do. Throughout our relationship we have been plagued with money issues...or rather he has. And in the past few months only found some decent work. But I was willing to be patient because I loved him and would do anything for him, including not stand in the way of him getting his career and moving back to Texas(see other thread)....

We both cried...and sobbed...and calmed down...and cried some more...I had a poker night with friends to go to and he had work...I figure I would just go to get my head out of he moment. It didnt. I had to fake being ok...I cried all the way home.

This is my first LTR and a first break up of anykind for me...I feel lost...and it feels surreal...I also feel a bit angry...for some reason I dont think he broke up with me because he felt he was holding me back...my gut tells me it is something else...he also lives with me, I am not sure how to handle this....on one hand I dont wanna be a dick and throw him out tomorrow, but on the other hand him living with me until he finds a place is gunna be hard and hurtful and awkward...he also said now hes not sure what he wants to do in terms of moving back to Texas...he said he might room with a friend here in NYC...and that's where I feel odd...how do your plans change in one week and just because we are broken up? Or maybe thats how it goes and I am naive.

I am beyond hurt and sad...and almost in denial. I will miss seeing him when I come home...when I sleep in bed and know hes inside watching TV...there was such a comfort with having him around...such a void now...everything reminds me of him...

 

[BensonhurstBri]

He just texted me that when he gets off from work he is heading straight home so we can talk some more...I am not lookin foward to it...I have so many different feelings right now...

 

[justndav]

I think sometimes people grow in different directions. I almost feel as if being comfortable and being happy with the status quo always are signs things may not be as they seem.

Then when a break up happens people like to use the "its not you, its me" type of excuse which is really baffling. If there's an issue why can't a couple work through the issues and fix things and make them better? Seems odd people go in that direction after having months/years invested in each other.

I don't think I could live as just roommates with someone I had a relationship with, it would be very very difficult. I mean if another guy is in the picture can you handle seeing him with someone else? That would be hard if you think there is still something to be salvaged, while he does not.

The best thing for you right now is to stay immersed in things that make you happy, singularly. Your hobbies, your interests, etc. You have to look out for your well being. When things get tough talk to a friend, loved one, someone who can sympathize with your situation. Hell, even going out to blow off some steam or get laid if need be isnt a horrible thing. Get back to being yourself, being comfortable in your skin, and just enjoying this thing we call life. Know that this isn't the end, but simply the start of the next chapter in your life.

Above all else know that it will get better and your happiness does not depend on another soul.

 

[BensonhurstBri]

Thanks justndav for the response...some good advice in your post...

So he came home off his shift...I had cried myself to sleep. I heard him make some noice and woke up...he showered and got into bed with me. We talked. I cried. I did have some anger...I dont know if it was me going through the process of grieving this relationship. We had been together 2 and half years as of yesterday. We talked and it became clear to me he doesnt wanna work on us...as he says he's been forcing himself to make US work out of respect for me. So basically I said you love me, you are just not IN LOVE with me...to which he didnt answer but I know. My gut tells no lies. He said he needs my help a little to get on his feet. He needs some time to get to his next step. I asked what that means...he said like a month. He said he loves me and he will always respect me and that he cant even think about other guys and stuff like that and he wont be engaged in any of that while spending his last moments here.

I wish I could have truly known all this...maybe I could have done something better for him. For us. Im typing on my keyboard in the kitchen staring at him laying in bed. I am quietly sobbing as I write this. I know in one month the man I shared 3 years with and 2.5 years living with will be reduced to nothing but a text here and there.

I have been through abuse as a kid-- a deep, deep depression as a teen all the way through college-- and a friend that got close to me that used me for money. This breakup ranks up there with things I will just have to overcome.

I just cant picture being alone...coming home to an ampty apartment...I cant picture starting again and investing my heart with someone new...how does that work?? How can I invest in someone knew while I have memories of this man I loved before?? This is all new to me...I need advice. I feel borken, sad, angry, in denial and most of all scared. He got to know my nephews and it's gunna be weird when they ask for "Uncle *****" and I have to explain where he is...

He has messed up some in our relationship admittedly...he web cammed with several dudes...had accounts I didnt know about and kept sending naked pics back and forth...I guess he stopped loving me a while back if this is what he could do to a man who was patient and gave him everything he needs...3 weeks ago he cried saying how much I was his backbone through all of this. I guess thats when he wanted to tell me it was over but didnt know how to go about it. There was no sex, no kiss goodbyes and no I love yous on his part unless I said it first...I guess looking back he gave up/knew it was over way before me...

Im going to miss little things...the way my dog got to know him and was excited to see him everyday...my first trip to Texas to see him...the look he gave me when we locked eyes...the stupid laughs we had...the cuddling...the good times...and him just being there...

I know this is not the end of me. I know happiness lies within me and should not be dependent on anything else. I am intelligent and do unserstand this immensely. Someone please tell me then why is it so hard for that to sink in right now...

I feel so lost. I feel like I want to keep fighting for it. For him. For us. But I cant fight for us if he doesnt want to ultimately be with me...I can almost FEEL the ache surging through my heart...this is gut wrenching pain I wish on noone...

 

[palbert]

My sympathy goes out to you because I've been where you are. Time will heal the hurt and the best thing you can do is use your time to the fullest.

I left a lover of 17 years, basically leaving him everything; I just walked away. We had had so many good times and I felt I had made him so dependent on me that I wanted to do as little as possible to hurt him.

I relocated from Miami to Washington, DC. We stayed friends for about a year and then that evaporated.

All the best to you, and keep looking forward.

 

[BensonhurstBri]

palbert thanks for sharing...left him everything as in what? And how did he become dependent on you? How do you even begin again with someone new after 17 years? Still cant sleep...just overthinking and analyzing and just imagining how its gunna be with just myself from now on...

 

[MyLovelyCock]

You should have a talk with my BF pretty much similair situation but his husband died to cancer if you want to talk to me or him tell me I'm always available for you

 

[BensonhurstBri]

Thanks MyLovely...I might need someone to talk to(sorry about his loss,truly)...so he woke up in the morning...didnt say much....he had to go coach basketball and works later tonight at the bar so he goes "You probably wont see me today or tonight..." I started crying and he kissed me on the head and left....

Ive vented to a few friends but its not helping much...I'm forcing myself, quite literally to go to the city to do something, get some air...and come back home and clean....I dont think I can last the month with him here. I LOVE him and dont want this to end acrimoniously...but I dont think I can last the month...and Tuesday is gunna be lovely.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm really sorry for your pain. Yes, you are in the grieving process, but are being bounced around in it because he's still there. This is not the way to end a relationship, especially in a one bedroom apartment. It's time for him to get the couch and a two week notice, if that. My gut tells me he's found someone else. Too bad he didn't take the basketball job in Chicago. At least you'd have a sense of better closure.

You don't need to be supportive of him any longer. You come first. And once he leaves make at least one change to your apartment. Rearrange furniture. Get a new mattress. Paint a wall a contrasting color. Do something so it's not the same. And then get busy with friends or join a new group.

Also, have a plan in case he comes running back when this experiment doesn't work especially if he's running to a new sugar daddy. I'm not liking him at the moment.

Please take care of yourself even if it means spending time away from your own place until he's gone. Don't forget you'll need new locks once he's moved. As you can see, I'm a fan of protecting oneself just in case.

By the way are you familiar with the stages of the grieve process? It takes time and work to get through it. Best wishes.

 

[palbert]

Answering your questions, I left him the house and its contents, with the exception of only a few items: L was truly starting over.

I had put him through University and Graduate Accounting, so in a sense I was as much a father figure as a lover.

Again, if I can help in any way.

 

[BensonhurstBri]

I realize now, as others have pointed out, that I think initially he was in love with me, then fell out of love with me...although he still loved me as a person. I also made it easy for him and therefore he probably felt bad for bwanting to break it off with me, thus delaying the inevitable all this time...I think we are both somewhat at fault, him moreso...I always thought things would change...and lately they had been, which Is why it is so shocking to my core right now that it is over.

It is also odd to note though, that although I intelligently know all of the above, that I still miss him already and I still love him...and I dont want him out of my life...I will always be curious about his whereabouts...I dont wish him harm. He lost his sister, has a bad relationship with his dad and is finding his way...I understand that...this is just so hard. It is almost like a mini death...one week you are going ok then suddenly your life is verring into different directions. There is a good part to this man, and that is what and who I love..

I did break down and text him...I feel we both owe it to each other to talk some more...I need to vent(not angrily) at him some more. My heart feels unfinished with what it has to say...I am not too sure I can last a month with him living here...I also dont want to be callous. It is funny because when he leaves he will prolly be staying with a friend here in Brooklyn...minutes away from me...it hurts to know he'll be minutes away and leading an entirely different life from me...and also that we might run into each other.

Hes going to call me in a few...any pointers? I do have what my heart needs to say but sometimes it comes out not the best...

I have been paying his gym membership, is it too wrong of me to suddenly to ask him to pitch in the last 5 months of the contract or is that kind of like in the area of well it was something I agreed to do so too bad...a part of me also thinks that may be petty at this point. Like I said I dont want to hurt him in anyway...I just am feeling an insane depression today...something I have not felt since pre-coming out days in college...

SEASONED thanks for the post and advice, you are right, so right, it's just hard to see clearly when love is involved, and harder for me when I guess I feel like holding onto a relationship I shouldnt....

 

[swerve]

Hi Benson...

Reading through your posts broke my heart as well...

My first impression is what Seasoned talked about -- he cannot break up with you and still live with you...

It'll just make your wrecked emotions even wreckier...

You need your own space right now...

I had written a bunch more -- but I'm certainly not a therapist or anything -- so I deleted it...

My main goal of my post is to let you know that you have people (yes -- we are REAL people) here on JUB willing to listen and help you through this...

You seem like a great guy -- and your self centered ex probably doesn't deserve you...

My heart truly goes out to you...

 

[BensonhurstBri]

Thanks swerve...I had another long thread on here that lasted for many years under another name and I finally thought the bad times in my life were gone...I used to look back and say I CANT BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED...And now here I am again saying the same thing....I wanna for once be able to turn around and not have to say that...thanks for the support

He is on his way back home so we can talk...this is gunna be so emotional

 

[MyLovelyCock]

I love you and really get him out of your mind you don't need something bad I'm sorry for you and you can always contact me

 

[backpacker]

Hi Brian,

I'm so sorry to hear that things are turning out this way. My heart breaks for you. You have such a big heart and you certainly deserve to be happy.

While you will want to be decent to him, your first priority should be to yourself. Knowing how emotional you can be, I don't believe it's good for you to have him living there for an entire month. If he's going to room with a friend, why does he need a month? He should move in with friend now and if that's not what he wants he can look for something else. He can find a roommate on Craigslist. Based on your other post, he has obviously been thinking about the break up for some time and has had plenty of time to make arrangements. Asking for a month is a way saying I don't know when I will move out. It could be a month, a week or two months. You don't deserve to live like that. Knowing you, you won't be able to start moving forward until he moves out. You will literally be on an emotional roll coaster until he moves out. If it were me, I would let him know that you want him to move ASAP, but no later than the end of the month. That would give him a little over two weeks and it's a logical time in terms of how rentals typically work.

With regard to the gym membership, it somewhat depends on the situation. Did you sign anything with the gym that financially obligates you to pay? If not, I say let him pay his own membership. If you are on the hook, I would tell him he needs to pay it, but you need to be prepared to check with the club each month to see that's it paid. If he doesn't pay it, you will be stuck paying it so it doesn't ruin your credit.

Don't sit around the house all day. Get out and do something with friends.

 

[MyLovelyCock]

Brian I have a friend who wants to talk to you in person he is really nice

 

[Seasoned]

I think it's going to be difficult to get through grief without anger. I'm not talking about uncontrolled behavior or protracted hate, but normal, every day anger that can be worked through and gotten over. In my opinion, without that, you'll be focusing on all the inward emotions that can just linger making a mess of things. Again, best wishes.

 

[BensonhurstBri]

Hey all...so he came home and we took a walk around the block and we talked....and we cried and cried...it felt good to get points out and cry and for that momentary time, although we are broken up, it felt good just to be with him and talk...he had to head back to the city for his basketball practice and work...I thought it would be ok to go with my younger brother and my nephew to go see Journey 2.

I opened up to m brother and began sobbing...he tried to be there for me but he admittedly wasnt great at emotional stuff...but he tried...we saw the movie and I fell asleep...I was drained from the past two days...everything at the movies reminded me of him...what movies we saw...the arcade games we played(i know silly) and the laughs we had...our last movie was Underworld...but anyway I was trying to buck it up but was pretty down...I got out of the movies and heard about Whitney, which sucks. R.I.P.

Got home and cried because I had been holdin it in for a few hours...we text each other...Im losing him so quick.

I dont have gay friends, and the select few friends I have have been there for me via text and email and voice calls and its much appreciated...but the last thing I need to hear right now is everyone saying Ill find someone knew, I just have to forget him...I get it...I do...the ache is killing me...I wanna hold onto him so tight!

He told me we have to promise never to be out of each others lives...he started sobbing saying hes afraid I will cut him out of my life....he said he will always be there for me, call, text or hang out...

Im still lost...this is my second night dealing with this...Im still lost in all of this....

 

[BensonhurstBri]

It is so hard to get out and do something...to force myself out and will try...but Im pretty much dealing with this alone...save for the advice of some friends...I am SO SCARED guys, so scared...my baby is leaving me soon and I cant stop it...hes slipping from me and my life so fast

 

[BensonhurstBri]

I feel things are this way...I think he wanted to break this up sooner but felt too guilty, hence him waiting for me to bring it up first...so now I get the feeling that a weight and stress and pressure has lifted from him and while hes sad about all of this, it seems to be a bit easier for him than it is for me...