So here is my update today. In the past 24 hours I have had to epiphanies or what Oprah calls her "A-HA" moments..
Last night we texted each other while he was working...I told him how distraught I was and hurt...he told me that during the last 4 or so months(Im assuming much longer than that) that he wasnt in love with me...anyway...the texting went on, with him saying "I feel bad enough, I feel worse when you are telling me all of this..." With that I did say ok Im done doing that and whatnot, because really it is not healthy to do...I don't want to drive him away totally.
But I felt panicked the last two days. And hurt. And depressed. And angry. And mostly scared. I felt the rainbow of emotions.He told me he was staying at his friends apt last night(the one he will be moving n with) because they had to stay late working after hours for a meeting. It did finally hit me before bed that we are 100% done. A-ha moment number one.
I took two Tylenol PMs and went to sleep...I woke up this morning and felt a new emotion. COMFORTABLY NUMB. I just wasn't feeling ANYTHING. I woke up with one thing on my mind. CLEANING. I started to clean and get into a groove and he texted me saying he just woke up and hes coming back home...I didnt respond to the text, not out of trying to be dickish, I just had no response...again I was NUMB....as I was cleanin he did walk in...I said hey, and asked him how work was, complimented his shirt and made small talk...he sat in the kitchen while I was cleaning and asked me if I was ok...
I cried a little and said NO. But I told him I have no choice right now..I just have to get through it. I told him tomorrow, god-willing, comes whether I like it or not. The sun will rise and set...whether Im happy as a pig in shit or depressed and down. I told him in the last two days I went through every emotion. He started crying to...
He had told me that every guy he loved in the past did something bad to him:cheated, outed him, degraded him. I said that sucks, not because they did that, but because you were with a guy(me) that did nothing but good for you, would never cheat on you, was patient as a saint, willing to let you go away from me for 2 years to finish your education...I did all that...and you didnt love me. I said it's a shame.
I told him mistakes were made on my part as well and I wish I could go back and re-do stuff..but rarely in life do you get do-overs..."Life ain no Nintendo game" as Eminem once rapped..
We both cried and sobbed alot. We hugged at times. I can't lie. It felt good to be in his embrace. To smell him and tryo capture and remember that smell in my head. To remember how his skin feels against mine. How his hair felt. Little nuances that don't seem like much, until you have to let go of someone.
We both agreed again to remain a positive force and place in each other's lives. We will still talk and hang and be there for each other. I aknowledged that most people say this when they break up but let other feelings ruin that. I told him that I would like him and I to rise above that. I asked him when he is moving out and he said Im not sure, soon. He said the rent was 450 now. He didnt pay anything here. And I know he has his own cell bill now and he has to pay off a 2500 ticket from years ago...so it is going to be rough for him. He also has a basketball trip in April he needs to pay for...so it will be his reality now...he did ask if I could help him out a little. I told him money and a breakup and the way Im feelin right now don't really kind of feel like a good combo. I admit that I feel bad for him, but I cant let take over and mix with the grieving process I am going through.
It felt good to talk to him. I dont know if it's because it felt good to let it out, or the fact that he was in front of me and I can see him and he's not gone yet.
The true test will come when he actually moves out. The test after that will be when I learn he moved on with someone new. Hopefully by then I will be in a better place mentally.
My "A-HA" moment PART 2 came when I was listening to him. I started to think this: During our relationship/near the end of it we never did much hanging out, especially in a couple type of way...that is something that has always lacked I felt...we didnt "act" like a couple...i.e. making memories, always doing new things together...And we have not had sex in the last two months and often during the relationship I questioned if there was someone else in the picture or if he was messing around...
So I started to look at this break up more positively. Here are the pros, as I put it:
a)I no longer have to guess/care if he is doing something with anyone else. Now he is free to do whatever and I have no stress there.
b)Now that we are broken up, we can still talk and hang and to be honest thats how our relationship was during the last 6months anyway. So we can still have some of the stuff we have now, but that will be after we both positively start to move on.
So in some ways the breakup is not horrendous. The part where it will hurt, is when he leaves and the LITTLE things just wont be anymore...cant sit on the couch and laugh, no dinners and movies, no small talks or joking on something stupid, or cuddling, or riding home on the train together...
THAT WILL HURT THE MOST.
But anyway, I know that was rambling. I hope I can drop by here, at the risk of sounding monotonous and annoying, and describe what I am going through just to vent it out. I predict I will run the gambit of emotions and I feel writing it down helps a tad. And I could also benefit from the feedback from you guys as well as help someone else going through the same thing....
"DOESN'T MEAN IM LONEY CUZ' I'M ALONE..." KELLY CLARKSON-STRONGER
for you
