My roommate wants to kill me.

[Adam2299]

More or less anyway.

Recently I shared on this forum the fact that one of my roommates just tested positive for HIV and has been really depressed about it (understandably so). Although I consider him a friend, we don't really hang out too much and we're really different in a lot of ways.

Anyway... the walls are thin between our rooms and when there's no other noise we can almost hear each other breathing from the other room. Well last night he had a guy over and I heard them having (verrry loud) sex. Ok fine, whatever. No big deal.

So today I casually asked him about it and he said it was fun and he's glad he finally hooked up with someone since it's been a while for him. So then (without really thinking about it) I asked him if he used a condom, and he totally blew up at me!!! He flat out yelled at me, "YOU THINK PEOPLE WITH AIDS SHOULDN'T HAVE SEX, ADAM?? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?" and literally screamed at me for like 10 minutues and then walked out the front door and slammed it as hard as he could.

He has NEVER acted like this since I've known him. I didn't even say anything b/c I think he's just under a lot of stress so I tried not to take it personally and figured he needed to just let off steam. I figured he would apologize after he had some time to chill. Well about an hour ago he sends me a text message that said "Thanks for being a great friend. Fuck you." And now his phone is off. I don't even know where the hell he is...... And seriously, this is SO UNLIKE HIM.


Was I honestly a fucking idiot by asking him if he was being safe??? For some reason it just came out of my mouth... I didn't even think about it. But now I feel like shit....... ugh.

 

[Heartbreak]

It sounds like he hasn't fully coped with the fact he has HIV so give him time to realize that he does have it and that he has to be more careful. he'll come around,you're a great friend I'm sure.

 

[KennyD]

Actually; your buddy/ roomie is a fuckin' JERK . You were concerned and he lost his temper ... probably because he did have sex MINUS the condom ... which is very ILLEGAL in about every state that I can think of .....
He needs to be reported to the local health Department or District Attorney before he DOES give another guya disease which = Murder .

 

[CGHJ]

Yeah, I'm with Kenny. He obviously didn't use one and he prolly infected someone last night, and now he's taking his guilt at doing something really horrible out on you, which is worse. Stand your ground, your roomie is a CLASS A ASSHOLE and manipulative bitch, to boot.

Also, what a great lesson for us all to make sure our partners wear condoms, here's proof...er, positive, of why you shouldn't rely on people to be honest.

 

[jetsonboy]

I think you need to understand your roommate's behavior from the standpoint of someone who has been diagnosed with a deadly disease. It is obvious to me that he must feel he has been handed a bad card in life and he is upset about it, so reminding him of that after his sexual experience brought him down too hard and fast from whatever enjoyment he must have had the night before. No, I don't think he is a "fucking jerk" and speculation about his degree of responsibility for his having contracted HIV is unfair. I agree with Heartbreak's response. Don't feel like a "fucking idiot", just a concerned person.

 

[Horschallen]

Start hanging up Safe Sex posters in the home.

 

[Raven03]

I agree, it sounds like he may be guilty of not using any protection. Either that or pissed off that after a safe fun night he was reminded that he was infected with HIV. When things are cooled off you should tell him that you just wanted to know that he was careful and not exposing someone else to something that is life altering. He shouldnt want anyone else to go through what he is right now.

 

[luminum]

I would just take it with grace. You don't need to apologize for asking, because it's not only the other guy that's at risk, it's him too.

When he has unprotected sex, he does risk infecting the other person, but he also risks being infected with a different strain of HIV.

So if he's being sensitive and messed up because of the stress of his diagnosis, I would suggest sitting him down and explaining that you were not trying to be rude, you were asking because it's the safe thing to do. Tell him that you know he's been diagnosed and that doesn't mean he can't have sex anymore and you're not saying that. Then tell him that because he's been diagnosed positive, it's even more important than before that he be safe, since not only can he infect others, but he could catch another strain, which would be worse for him.

I don't know how close you are to him, really, but tell him that you understand he's going through a hard time and that you'll be there to help him through it if he needs it. But he also needs to get help if he's feeling uncomfortable about it (and who wouldn't need help dealing with a positive diagnosis?). Tell him that based on his reaction to your question, he obviously needs to work some things out.

But lay it out there. Tell him that it's not safe for him to have unprotected sex with other guys for those two reasons and that not telling them is also irresponsible and it's not right.

By asking and confronting these issues, you're being a responsible friend...even if he's (in my opinion) way too immature to recognize it.

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ Luminum's advice is great.

Swing the conversation back to you being concerned about HIS safety. Let him know just because he is positive, it doesn't mean he isn't at any greater risk. Multiple strand infections of HIV can drastically cut his lifespan and limit his cocktail options. Let him know you asked him the condom question because you were concerned for his health.

I hope he used a condom with that guy but if he didn't... it's not all his fault. The other guy should know better and always use a condom anyway. Who knows? the guy could have been a positive guy too.

 

[star-warrior]

Yes, as others have mentioned, he's on a guilt trip right now. I do hope he faces his responsibilities as a HIV carrier. Lets hope he's not in denial and trying to have sex at every opportunity without condoms.

As for you, you did what anyone with human empathy would have done. Be concerned about him. Don't feel bad about the shouting he did at you, but, be wary nevertheless. Next time you meet him, act as if it didn't happen. Sooner or later I hope he realises that you're there as a friend and maybe you can get him to do something about his status by talking about Aids.

 

[Soilwork]

I met my brother's new boyfriend last night.

Nice guy.

But obviosuly HIV+.

I didn't react at all. But I DID say to him this morning at work (Did I mention that he's working at Fratmen now?) "Hey buddy.. um.. you DO practice safe sex, right?"

He rolled his eyes and said "Yes, Jasun, I still practice safe sex just like the other 500 times you've asked me."

Then he said "don't worry... I know to protect myself, ok? Thanks for caring."

Then he rolled his eyes again (but thought I didn't see).

 

[CGHJ]

Then he rolled his eyes again (but thought I didn't see).

See, that's a more appropriate response. Cute, too

Speaking of, I hope your bro is doing well, glad to hear he's out of the joint!

 

[Adam2299]

Thanks guys. I really don't want to assume that he didn't use a condom, b/c although he's sort of a slut, I really don't think he would ever do that to someone.

And oh yea, he's still not talking to me.... ugh.

 

[spreadeagle]

That he said 'people with AIDS' rather than HIV+ people suggests that he may not yet have got his head around the distinction.

If you don't hang out together and are different in lots of ways then it sounds more like a relationship of convenience rather than a friendship. Is what he gets up to in bed then really any concern of yours? He has signalled very strongly that discussion of his sex life or health status is off limits. It's possible, but not ideal, to go on sharing accomodation with an absolute minimum of communication. You say 'one of your room-mates' - what do your other room-mates think about the situation?

 

[RicanDAB]

IMHO, it does not matter how someone contracted HIV - it should not be a basis for treating the person any more or less compassionately.

Adam, I can understand your concern for your roommate/friend. However, I beg to differ with others in that it may not have been your place to question him about condom use during a time when he is still accepting his diagnosis. It's a delicate time for his psychologically and your question though asked innocently enough and without bad intentions was easliy interpreted by him to be a bad thing about himself and his condition. I know you did not know he would react this way, but he IS adult enough to take care of himself and should be adult enough to know that he should not be having unsafe sex more than ever now.

I used to have a roommate / friend who is HIV+ and as far as I was concerned, it was none of my business to ask about who he was sleeping with and whether he was practicing safe sex (but we volunteer info about our lives -- of course I have known him for over 11 years and he volunteers enough info to me about his escapades for me to know that he is very condom-conscious .. especially being HIV+ for now almost 20 years and knock wood never been severely sick from it).

All you could do right now is apologize for hurting him and letting him know it was not intentional -- and then you will have to let him come around in his own time to determine if he is willing to forgive and forget.

 

[gabriel1]

This is where I learned that sometimes age becomes wisdom as we learn to keep our mouth shut for a lot of reasons. I no longer offer comments unless asked, and if I were to ask someone how their night was and the answer was either positive or negative I would reply either thats cool or nie, or too bad.

 

[StudboySeth]

Actually; your buddy/ roomie is a fuckin' JERK . You were concerned and he lost his temper ... probably because he did have sex MINUS the condom ... which is very ILLEGAL in about every state that I can think of .....
He needs to be reported to the local health Department or District Attorney before he DOES give another guya disease which = Murder .

How many states can you think of as it's not illegal in any unless he was trying to infect someone, in which case it might possibly may be considered manslaughter. Where did you hear this? It's completely ridiculous. He has no legal obligation to honestly share his HIV status with his partner, and if the partner consents to having sex without a condom, it's a risk he's apparently willing to take.

Yeah, I'm with Kenny. He obviously didn't use one and he prolly infected someone last night, and now he's taking his guilt at doing something really horrible out on you, which is worse. Stand your ground, your roomie is a CLASS A ASSHOLE and manipulative bitch, to boot.

Also, what a great lesson for us all to make sure our partners wear condoms, here's proof...er, positive, of why you shouldn't rely on people to be honest.

Transmissibility of HIV is dependent on several factors. Chances are quite good that even if they didn't use a condom the other person didn't get infected.




Adam--if I were you I'd be more worried about your friend catching something else considering his CD4 count may be low as he's newly diagnosed and hasn't been on medications long-term. I'd suggest you just tell him you're worried that he may get a different STD as his immunity might be low and it would take longer for him to recover. Also, HIV-1/HIV-2 coinfection hasn't really been documented in the literature, so I wouldn't really worry about that.

 

[bluedragon4]

I can't believe the attitude people on here are taking about this guy. Everyone is saying he's guilty of not having safe sex and that's why he blew up or that he's a jerk or that this guy whose his roommate should hang safe sex posters up?! That's just the most idiotic statement. I have know many guys who are H.I.V.+ and roommate or not it was rude for you to ask if he used a rubber. You made him feel dirty and that he shouldn't have sex cause he is dirty and filthy. He is trying to come to terms with this and you throw it back in his face with a hope are using condoms comment.Would you have said that to anyone else who was negative?If no than you crossed the line. It really is none of your buisness. He had every right to get upset. He's trying to pick up with his life and not being a jerk. I can't believe how unfeeling people on here are being. Do you people know anyone H.I.V.+? and what they go through?

 

[luminum]

So it was wrong to ask because he was newly diagnosed, has a history of having unsafe sex, and can expose himself to even more risk?

All he asked was if he used a condom.

So today I casually asked him about it and he said it was fun and he's glad he finally hooked up with someone since it's been a while for him. So then (without really thinking about it) I asked him if he used a condom

So this shows us that the roomy was willing to talk about the sexual encounter, even if Adam initiated the conversation. And, if we take Adam's word on it, he didn't ask to press the point that he's havign safe sex. He just asked.

But if it were me, I still would have asked, since his (from what we know from Adam's other thread) sexual behavior includes a history of practicng unsafe sex, irresponsibility, and a carefree attitude toward the frequency and number of his sexual partners. Plus, the bigger factor isn't him passing it on to others (though that is pretty important) but that if he's havign unsafe sex, he can also catch any number of other STDs and catch another strain of HIV.

Adam asked a question that is a bit jarring given his roommate's current situation, but it's important, especially given the current situation. I think it was more appropriate than it was rude.

 

[KennyD]

It was NOT wrong to ask someone with HIV if they used a condom for sex . I worked for awhile with HIV-AIDS Hospice .... there were many guys there who have told me they wished someone had given them a speech on safe sex or mentioned Condoms more often ....