My roommate wants to kill me.

[Xpione]

WOw, Overeact. I hope he feel better soon.

 

[bluedragon4]

It was NOT wrong to ask someone with HIV if they used a condom for sex . I worked for awhile with HIV-AIDS Hospice .... there were many guys there who have told me they wished someone had given them a speech on safe sex or mentioned Condoms more often ....

Once again-Who are you to ask? It's none of the roommates buisness. And the guy already has it so why would anyone sit down and explain it? The roommate is not his mother or his doctor. It's just rude and hurtful. Hurtful because the guy has enough to deal with and his roommate is shoving it in his face right after he got done telling him he finally had sex again after much thought-or whatever he said I don't feel like reading it again. I don't have it but I have known many people living with it including my ex of 5 years. I would never have asked him about condoms when we were friends after he got it. As long as he told his partners he had it the decision was in his new partners hands. It's a private issue between the two of them. The roommate has no place in his friends bedroom.

 

[StudboySeth]

I always ask my friends if they used condoms. I'm highly latex sensitive and a few weeks ago I told some guy to take it off because it was hurting me horribly, which I suppose was a risk I could live with then, but afterward I felt awful and like a fool. I was a drunken ass on poppers, which is no excuse, but I tend to be a lot more risky on poppers, which is why I dumped them out after that. The point is, I know the guy said he didn't have anything, and I hope that's correct, but I suppose it's a risk I took, not him. You are responsible for you own wellbeing, not your partner...the roommates friend for the night should have known enough to protect himself, but even if he didn't and was the bottom chances are he didn't get HIV from the one night session. HIV is kinda difficult to get, and if you do get it it's like winning the lottery, but in a bad way. I think some people (especially kenny) need to learn more about HIV and the law before the start spouting off random BS as if it's the truth.

Seriously, just tell your roommate that you were worried for his health, since you should have been (I'm sure I'm more of a condom nazi with my HIV+ friends since they're more at risk than the HIV- for other STDs.) If he's still upset just reiterate that you're worried about him since you care about him and don't want him to get anything.

 

[luminum]

..."HIV is kinda difficult to get"?

"Like winning the lottery"?

Are you kidding me?








That's it. I'm out.

 

[3nipples]

So today I casually asked him about it and he said it was fun and he's glad he finally hooked up with someone since it's been a while for him. So then (without really thinking about it) I asked him if he used a condom, and he totally blew up at me!!! He flat out yelled at me, "YOU THINK PEOPLE WITH AIDS SHOULDN'T HAVE SEX, ADAM?? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?" and literally screamed at me for like 10 minutues and then walked out the front door and slammed it as hard as he could.

Well, you were the one to bring up the subject... my take is that you were really thinking about it, just not from his perspective but from yours.

Was I honestly a fucking idiot by asking him if he was being safe??? For some reason it just came out of my mouth... I didn't even think about it. But now I feel like shit....... ugh.

Time and place... and wording... you saw his reaction, so you already know you didn't get any of this right.

 

[RicanDAB]

Once again-Who are you to ask? It's none of the roommates buisness. And the guy already has it so why would anyone sit down and explain it? The roommate is not his mother or his doctor. It's just rude and hurtful. Hurtful because the guy has enough to deal with and his roommate is shoving it in his face right after he got done telling him he finally had sex again after much thought-or whatever he said I don't feel like reading it again. I don't have it but I have known many people living with it including my ex of 5 years. I would never have asked him about condoms when we were friends after he got it. As long as he told his partners he had it the decision was in his new partners hands. It's a private issue between the two of them. The roommate has no place in his friends bedroom.

I have to side with bluedragon4's take on this ... my ex-roommate is HIV+ and I knew this before we moved in together, since we were friends first anyway. As the close friends that we are, I personally don't think it is my place to remind him to have safe sex. He is a responsible adult and is aware of his condition and takes the proper precautions with his partners. Adam's roommate is a similarly-situated adult and is responsible for his own behavior, and his partners are responsible for their own as well. Adam's comment, though well intentioned, was bad timing. I believe as long as Adam is not having sex with his roommate, it really is not his business.

I'm highly latex sensitive and a few weeks ago I told some guy to take it off because it was hurting me horribly, which I suppose was a risk I could live with then, but afterward I felt awful and like a fool ....

[T]he roommates friend for the night should have known enough to protect himself, but even if he didn't and was the bottom chances are he didn't get HIV from the one night session. HIV is kinda difficult to get, and if you do get it it's like winning the lottery, but in a bad way.

If you are sensitive to latex, it's YOUR responsibility to have latex-free condoms to use with whomever your with. Unless you're in an established long-term monogamous relationship, foregoing any condom is still not an option. Is it worth taking a risk that will honestly change the rest of your life? HIV does not discriminate based on the number of times you have unprotected sex ... unfortunately there are plenty of people out there who were infected after one night of unbridled passion who would beg to differ with your reasoning.

As for your colorful lottery analogy to catching HIV, I don't think you could have picked a worse one .

 

[StudboySeth]

If you are sensitive to latex, it's YOUR responsibility to have latex-free condoms to use with whomever your with. Unless you're in an established long-term monogamous relationship, foregoing any condom is still not an option. Is it worth taking a risk that will honestly change the rest of your life? HIV does not discriminate based on the number of times you have unprotected sex ... unfortunately there are plenty of people out there who were infected after one night of unbridled passion who would beg to differ with your reasoning.

As for your colorful lottery analogy to catching HIV, I don't think you could have picked a worse one .

I know it's my responsibility to have polyurethane jimmy caps, and I should have. I'm going to my doctors office this week to get some. It was a stupid mistake, and one that I might pay for for the rest of my life. I hope I don't get anything and chances are I won't. As for the analogy...it's that's been used many times---it's like winning (or losing depending on how you look at it) a death lottery.

..."HIV is kinda difficult to get"?

.

HIV is difficult to get compared to say HBV or syphilis. I'm in no way advocating unsafe practices, but saying that the transmissibility is actually pretty low. An example would be my ex's best friend--his ex told him that he was negative, when in fact he wasn't. They were together for quite a long time, and had quite a bit of unprotected sex. The friend came to the US for a few months and while he was here his man's friend IM'd him that he was being lied to and was putting his life at risk. He got tested and was fine. Transmissibility is lower for a top, which he is, so that's good...but he was also uncircumcised, which raised his risk (the glans penis is a mucous membrane in uncut guys so HIV can pass through it where as it can't pass through the keratinized glans of a cut guy.) So, all I'm saying is that you need to wear condoms, but if you don't you're not likely to get it from a one time exposure. Heck, even if you get a transfusion of 1 unit of HIV+ blood you have a 5% chance of coming up negative. But everyone should still wear condoms. What's scary is when my friends ask me why I don't just use lambskin...if you don't know why lambskin is bad for gays look it up.

 

[bluedragon4]

I find this thread very disturbing. On one hand you have someone going through a very tough time having just been diagnosed with a lethal disease and you want to be compassionate and understanding. On the other he is possibly engaging in action that can lead to someone else's death.

Why does everyone asume he's not using condoms?!!! cause now that he has H.I.V. that he must be hell bent on killing others?! And who said he even had anal sex? The guy that infected my ex was one of these guys who tried to infect as many others as possible. But my ex had a long history of picking up guys and letting them bareback him and cum in him. Is it the infected guys fault or my ex's? My ex's cause you never let anyone you just pick up cum in your ass. Just because this guy's roommate has it doesn't mean he's being shadey.

 

[3nipples]

Also the guy has HIV but still has sex. Even with condoms, I still find that a scary affair. Does everyone here believe that it is so unrealistic to exercise self-control? Personally I think he should take steps to abstain. Take medication to lower sex drive if necessary. Hell even castration might be considered. When the possibility is there to end up causing someone else that level of grief, I think a responsible person would entertain such drastic options. That he goes off and has sex so soon after finding out is telling and indicates the roommate doesn't have that level of empathy. It is a glimpse into his character and it isn't flattering.

You're scaring me. Are you for real? Maybe you're the one who should try abstaining from sex if you're so scared of picking up HIV.

 

[3nipples]

For some people it seems the prospect of killing someone else isn't a big deal next to getting their rocks off. Sorry for having my priorities all mixed up.

Mixed up. Indeed.

 

[bluedragon4]

The likeliest scenario is that he did use protection still there are many unsettling things about the situation. First of all we aren't sure. The violent reaction of the roommate could be interpreted as guilt as easily as merely taking affront. He never denied it. Adam2299 who knows him best didn't automatically assume it. Is that more a sign that Adam2299 is an insensitive prick or that his subconscience knows this roommate is capable of it. We don't know, but considering what's at stake I'll take the more conservative position.

Also the guy has HIV but still has sex. Even with condoms, I still find that a scary affair. Does everyone here believe that it is so unrealistic to exercise self-control? Personally I think he should take steps to abstain. Take medication to lower sex drive if necessary. Hell even castration might be considered. When the possibility is there to end up causing someone else that level of grief, I think a responsible person would entertain such drastic options. That he goes off and has sex so soon after finding out is telling and indicates the roommate doesn't have that level of empathy. It is a glimpse into his character and it isn't flattering.

WOW!!! Castration!Meds to lower sex drive!You scare me!! that's a crazy way to think! very evil.You should actually be ashamed for your lack of compassion!I believe it's you that needs meds or to see a doctor to find out why you have such hate in your heart.
And I thought the roommate got mad cause when he was asked if he was using condoms that he thought his uninfected roommate was judgeing him. Not that he had guilt for not using rubbers.I guess predjudice is all around and people really do think people with H.I.V. should just drop dead or that once they get it their life is over. Makes me sad to see no love for you gay infected brothers.

 

[RicanDAB]

Kutuzoff, so you're saying if a man is infected with HIV (irrespective of how he was infected) he should be banned from having sex ever again? That's just sick. I'd be careful that the advise you've thrown out there does not boomerang on you someday.

 

[luminum]

People who practice responsible safe sex have a very very very low chance of catching HIV, especially if both people are aware of the HIV status.

To say that that HIV+ people should entertain ideas of abstinence and castration is not bringing up an impossible situation, but it does demonstrate terrible ignorance of HIV contractability and probably belies ignorance about HIV in general and the people who have it.

 

[dr_beat]

I agree with bluedragon that the question should never have been asked. It is not anyone's business. The whole issue has been taken over by the HIV angle. But just think: if Adam was unaware of his roommate's status, would he still have asked the question?

Besides, two people were having sex. I fail to understand why the "disease spreader" is always at fault. The sex partner should also know the dangers and should have insisted a condom be used.

Again, bluedragon was right when he said the roommate must be going through hell right now. A little compassion rather than accusations and criticisms would be a big help to him.

This post by T-zero is a really good one. Follow his advice.

This is a no flame zone right?

Some of these replies are not only really disturbing but truly over the top.

The fact that HIV individual has HIV says nothing about his moral character.

The roommates over-reaction does not have to be because he was having unsafe sex, it could be from what he perceived to be the inference that he was.

It could be as some have said, that it was from being reminded that he was HIV+ and so many people, as expressed in this thread, treat people with HIV as if they're lepers and pariahs, and should lead celibate and quarantined lives.

We could speculate forever about why he reacted the way he did, or why Adam impulsively asked him, and if Adams question did subconsciously stem from some motive. I don't know and it's not really relevant.

People when given their diagnosis are also counseled about their condition and informed of safer sex practices, so it also cannot be assumed he's totally ignorant of his responsibilities to others or himself and also the reasons he needs to protect himself from other infections.

Adam, if it's important to you that you and the roommate continue on good terms, at the next opportunity you have to speak with him, simply apologize, saying it wasn't your intent to upset him. Don't try to excuse it or explain it.

Depending on how the roommate replies, then you can talk WITH each other about what happened and the why's and wherefores each of you reacted as or said what you did and will both gain some mutual insight. Or the simple stating and acceptance of the apology may be the end of the situation.

 

[dr_beat]

The simple philosophical principle I am following is that your freedom only extends to the point that it does not encroach severely on another's.

Let's use another situation and maybe it will help illustrate my point. How about there is this guy who really gets turned on by young ones. I mean really young. Potential pederast in the making here. Should he exercise self-control or should he give in to his sexual desires?

One could try arguing the situation is different but I think such arguments are generally empty. You could say a kid is different from an adult, an adult should know better etc. But I think the similarities in the situations are too strong to dismiss. In both the pederast and the one afflicted with the STD know they are in a position that can cause more potential harm than usual. They are both preying on the ignorance of the target and the target's weakness. While the kid is ignorant about all things the adult in the situation I object to is ignorant about the higher risk situation and the rationality that is supposed to protect the adult is impaired by the raging hormones. Also the consequences for the adult are more severe.

No one is saying it does. It is what he is doing while he has it that draws my concern.

That would be the irony and serve me right wouldn't it? On my part I hope you never get infected with anything due to a broken condom or end up regretting having been kept in the dark about a certain situation.

That may apply to me certainly in comparison to others here. But why there should be so much compassion for the one who is carrying the disease and next to none for the one who is being put at higher risk I do not understand. I also don't understand why the mere mention of abstinence seems to send the skin of many here crawling. [Suddenly remembers where he is posting---takes comment back.]

But I have probably led this discussion on a tangent. If Adam2299 thinks the roommate at his core is a good guy and isn't the kind to stab you in the back for a past transgression then T-Zero's advice is the most natural to follow.

I can't believe you're comparing paedophilia to a guy having sex without a condom. The reason there's an age of consent is to be sure that youth are not taken advantage of at a confusing time in their lives. The roommate's sex partner was, I assume (and hope) an adult. Therefore it was his responsibility to ensure that safe sex was happening. Not even close to being the same thing.

 

[bluedragon4]

My dad has the flu so I'm gonna take him out back and shoot him....be right back......

 

[dr_beat]

What I cannot believe is that there seems to be such resistance to the idea that the one with the disease bears some responsibility in this situation. You emphasize that the one having sex with the roommate as an adult should have practiced safe sex. As a pragmatic matter that is completely true. But why should the emphasis lie there? As an adult the one with the disease shouldn't go around spreading it and avoid acts that increase the risk of spreading it.

So then where is the vilification of the sex partner? I never said the roommate isn't partially to blame. I'm saying it's 50/50. Everyone else is just dumping on the roommate. If you go out and have unprotected sex and then get infected, you have only yourself to blame.

 

[luminum]

What I cannot believe is that there seems to be such resistance to the idea that the one with the disease bears some responsibility in this situation. You emphasize that the one having sex with the roommate as an adult should have practiced safe sex. As a pragmatic matter that is completely true. But why should the emphasis lie there? As an adult the one with the disease shouldn't go around spreading it and avoid acts that increase the risk of spreading it.

No, people with a disease have a responsibility not to spread it, and that is accomplished by informing partners and practicing safe sex. As an adult, and an informed one at that, they should take those precautions, not blindly assume that any sexual contact they will ever have with anyone will immediately result in the passing on of their disease.

 

[luminum]

Right, but all yoru comments have been nothign but generalizations with no qualification for hte fact that people can have protected sex and not spread disease. In fact, it's not even a matter of obliviousness, because you also made statements that said that HIV infected peopel shouldn't be having sex at all.

Your rebuttal to the SARS comment was completely off base. HIV positive people who have protected, responsible sex with others are not "going out of their way to cough in your face". HIV+ people having protected sex is equivalen to a personw itht eh flu coughing in their arm or into a mask when they talk to you.

Yes, people who knowingly have HIV or any other STD and still have unsafe sex like it's nothing need to get their act together. But your generalizatiosn that having a disease means that they can kiss their sex lives goodbye forever because it'll get other people infected is just plain ignorant and offensive.

 

[bluedragon4]

Should a SARS or avian flu infected person ever deliberately go out of their way to cough in your face remember to hug them kiss them and tell them you feel their pain.


In practical terms at the end of the day yes. You can be in the right but at the end of the day you become infected so you are ultimately wrong.

I do not see however how that absolves or mitigates in any way the blame or fault to be levied at those who KNOW they are infected but yet carry on as if nothing is the matter. As far as I'm concerned they don't have an ethical or moral leg to stand on. It's like a farmer knowing that one of his cows is infected with mad cow syndrome still sends it off to market anyway hoping that no one becomes infected with it. I guess in your view anyone who eats the beef deserves what's coming to them?

As I've intimated previously I'm pretty much shocked at the attitude here that seems to be giving a free pass to those knowingly spreading STDs around and equating the behavior of their victims on the same level. 50/50? No way.

If this 50/50 view is really a commonly held belief, I think it's a really destructive one. Sounds a like a meme that was spun out to make the spreaders feel better about themselves. It's a pathetic but deadly excuse.

I guess with an informed partner it could be looked at as justifiable, although still debatable. But I still don't see how putting on a rubber is supposed to be considered satisfactory not when condom failure rates I've heard of are in the range of 1 out of 100 to 1 out of 10. Wow a 1 out of 100 chance of killing someone sure seems safe! Why it's enough even to make the idea of abstinence and medication unwarranted and just plain silly! If you really think so, I guess more guys that didn't really need to can just keep on dying.

Lets put these sick people on their own island or maybe have military police keep them in a town all together or a jail till they die. With medication we can never really be sure that it will work and we can't trust that they will be abstinant. Why would they since they are sceeming to infect others?And they could spit out the meds if no one watches them do it. I know! How about death camps...the nazis were on to something! We can just gather them all up and use the ovens and repurify the Earth! I think you are on to something! Instead of a 1 out of a 100(your statistics) catching it we can just get rid of those sick,disgusting,not even human people with one of these ideas!