my sad situation

[markffd]

I feel like telling my story here... it's cathartic.

I first realized my attraction to men at the age of 15 after watching some bodybuilding show on TV. Once those gay feelings emerged I was totally devastated. I also began to have to urge to behave like many gay men to - i.e in a flamboyant manner. I ruthlessly supressed all such desires and closely monitored the way I spoke (especially my s's) to ensure I sounded straight. Of course this led to a great deal of unhappiness and low self esteem. I did my best to be a heterosexual, even though I was a pretty lousy one. My attraction to women could never rival a straight man's.

From the time I was 20 through to almost 27 I was fairly happy due to anti depressants I was taking. I focused on whatever heterosexuality I had in me over that time, and ignored my attraction to men. Towards my 27th b-day I could no longer keep the facade together and I suffered an intense mental collapse. I admitted to my family that I was gay. I started thinking, if im gay than why have I never desired to have sex with a man? I concluded that I must be transgendered, which would launch me into an even greater depression in which I wrote several suicide notes.

Anyway, it took me a year to escape regular, chronic depression. However, I'm still plagued with the same problems. I filled with so much self hatred that I go back to trying to be straight. Its like a reflex - looking at girls, forcing myself to fantasize about women.. with limited sexual reaction. Its like a mental block I have to overcome.

Thanks

 

[On The Edge]

Hey sorry man, I think the 1st phase of feeling better is excepting who u are than forcing yourself to be someone ..u never gonna be happy in that way. ..

have u talked to a psychologist or something about your issues? I think it may help..

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, what do you think you are? You state you're not interested in having sex with guys. What ARE you interested in having sex with?

Lex

 

[saymyname]

I think you want to have sex with men but you're just absurdly repressed.

 

[KaraBulut]

During all of this time, have you talked about these things with a therapist?

 

[texan_slant]

Well, the burning question is, you could be attracted to men, but because of your anxiety/depression, sex (with anything, period) could just be flat-out turning you off.

 

[G-Lexington]

Since I haven't heard from you, I'll just go ahead and make a couple of assumptions. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Let's say you're short. Quite short. Maybe just under five feet tall. And say you decided you didn't want to be short. So you were going to live life like you were six feet tall. What would happen? You'd be tripping over your too-long pant legs, strain to reach the gas pedal of your car, stretch to reach things on the top shelf of your home, and generally make yourself miserable.

Or you could just be short. Buy clothes that fit, find a car that worked for a smaller guy, put stuff on shelves that are easier to reach. Maybe there'd be a few minor alterations you'd have to make, but other than that, you could just be short.

You're apparently gay. And effeminate. That's not your problem.
You're gay and effeminate, and trying to be straight and masculine. That's your problem.

You're doing precisely what I said above. You're trying to fit your square peg in a round hole. And, not surprisingly, it's making you miserable. So my advice? If you're gay and effeminate, be gay and effeminate. There are plenty of gay and effeminate guys out there who are living their lives as gay and effeminate guys, and loving it. There's a reason they chose the word "gay" for us, instead of "miserable".

I'm guessing you don't have any gay friends. If not, make some. The more you have, the more you'll see that being gay (and femmy) is no big deal at all. And you can set about being you instead of something that you're not.

Lex

 

[markffd]

You guys are all basically correct. I waste so much time and energy trying to be something Im not. Im simply filled with so much shame and self loathing, that I cant begin to accept what others will think of me. Im paralyzed by fear or ridicule and rejection. Its led me to a lifestyle of lying and repression.

The kicker is that ive been doing it for so long, I dont know where I begin and the facade ends. When I look at an attractive girl I really dont know if because I genuinely notice her, or because Im subconciously forcing myself to 'try' to be attracted to her. When im talking to a girl thats coming on to me, I get an erection... I even genuinely want to make out occasionally - but having sex with a woman doesnt do that much for me at all.

Sometimes, I cant bottle it up anymore and in private I'll break out my flamboyant side, with my piercing S's and nasal tone. I was delighted to find out I had some heterosexuality within me, so I concentrated on that for years. I suppose the anti depressents helped a lot too.

 

[Telstra]

Guilt is a manifestation of a weak mind. Just let it go dude. Drop the labels. Drop the self hate. Drop the preconceived notions. Who said you had to "know" everything about yourself.

Tell you what, just let all the shame & guilt go, and imagine it like balloon flying away. Seriously, what's the worst that's going to happen to you? Do you think you are going to hell when you die? So what? Isn't your life hell now anyway? Just let it go, and slowly start piecing your life together and treat each day like a gift instead of a curse. If you believe in God did you ever consider that maybe he/she created you exactly as they wanted? If not, why not? Did God ever tell you otherwise?

I don't think anyone fear god.
People fear human and their opinions because of the up bringing since childhood. Everything is about human not about god at all.

 

[markffd]

Guilt is a manifestation of a weak mind. Just let it go dude. Drop the labels. Drop the self hate. Drop the preconceived notions. Who said you had to "know" everything about yourself.

Tell you what, just let all the shame & guilt go, and imagine it like balloon flying away. Seriously, what's the worst that's going to happen to you? Do you think you are going to hell when you die? So what? Isn't your life hell now anyway? Just let it go, and slowly start piecing your life together and treat each day like a gift instead of a curse. If you believe in God did you ever consider that maybe he/she created you exactly as they wanted? If not, why not? Did God ever tell you otherwise?

I wasnt raised in a religious household. I admire, the apparent majority of gay men who express themselves without much care for other's opinions. I'll admit that its a display of courage with obviously corralated to mental strength. A couple of years ago I was basically out of the closet only to find myself in extreme depression, and basically was right back to the beggining. Denying everying, playing the masculine act. Its so easy to do now, I dont even have to think about it.

Im at a stage now where I want a relationship. I want to find love. There's a girl I was talking to tonight on MSN and to my surprise we explored our shared history of sadness. She kept pressing me as to the root cause of my depression, and I had to evade and lie as usual.

I'm getting close to making peace with my homosexuality. I suspect if wont be much longer now. Thank you

 

[bankside]

markffd,
when you talked about self-loathing, i wondered for a minute if you also loathed other gay people, maybe the ones who were "out", for not trying hard enough to suppress their nature.

Then you said you admired the apparent majority of gay men who express themselves without worrying what other people think. I was pleased to read that - I wonder if you know any of those men as friends? I think that would help too. I'd start with friends you care about before trying to start a relationship. Whoever is lucky enough to have a relationship with you will appreciate it if you have a strong circle of friends. It is hard to have a relationship in a vacuum and I think friends are a good place to start.

 

[markffd]

markffd,
when you talked about self-loathing, i wondered for a minute if you also loathed other gay people, maybe the ones who were "out", for not trying hard enough to suppress their nature.

Then you said you admired the apparent majority of gay men who express themselves without worrying what other people think. I was pleased to read that - I wonder if you know any of those men as friends? I think that would help too. I'd start with friends you care about before trying to start a relationship. Whoever is lucky enough to have a relationship with you will appreciate it if you have a strong circle of friends. It is hard to have a relationship in a vacuum and I think friends are a good place to start.

Ill be honest - during all my years of repression I disliked seeing effemenite gay men. I was related to own my self hatred. I suppose I have overcome my own homophobia first. Making some gay friends woulld help.

 

[rareboy]

^ Yup.

But I can tell you you are going to be able to do all the heavy lifting yourself.

Your years of repression and depression aren't just going to disappear because you find a couple of gay friends.

Counselling. You need it. Badly. See if you can find a therapist through a gay organization in your area and get ready to unload the burden you've been carrying.

I'm gay. Have been all my life. I don't swish and swoosh around but I can camp it up with the best of 'em. I've been successful in business, love and community life. All without hiding.

You can too. Anyone can.

 

[3nipples]

On a side note, (IMO) if not for the courage of effeminite gays, all of us straight acting ones would still be miserable and hiding in the closet.

 

[On The Edge]

You guys are all basically correct. I waste so much time and energy trying to be something Im not. Im simply filled with so much shame and self loathing, that I cant begin to accept what others will think of me. Im paralyzed by fear or ridicule and rejection. Its led me to a lifestyle of lying and repression.

The kicker is that ive been doing it for so long, I dont know where I begin and the facade ends. When I look at an attractive girl I really dont know if because I genuinely notice her, or because Im subconciously forcing myself to 'try' to be attracted to her. When im talking to a girl thats coming on to me, I get an erection... I even genuinely want to make out occasionally - but having sex with a woman doesnt do that much for me at all.

Sometimes, I cant bottle it up anymore and in private I'll break out my flamboyant side, with my piercing S's and nasal tone. I was delighted to find out I had some heterosexuality within me, so I concentrated on that for years. I suppose the anti depressents helped a lot too.

so u attracted to both guys & girls?..I don't see the need to have to be one of them..gay or straight..maybe u Bi..who knows..I think life is about finding urself..don't put a time limit to knowing who u are..let it just happen..

but speaking to others..I think will surely help ..

 

[markffd]

so u attracted to both guys & girls?..I don't see the need to have to be one of them..gay or straight..maybe u Bi..who knows..I think life is about finding urself..don't put a time limit to knowing who u are..let it just happen..

but speaking to others..I think will surely help ..

I have some measure of heterosexuality, perhaps that puts me between gay and bisexual. I dont feel a vulnerability towards women, as I do with men. However, if a girl comes up and talks to me at a club I get aroused. I have no idea what that means.

I was talking to one girl last night, she finds me attractive and I actually really wanted to make out last time we were together. She's very perceptive, she told me she sees a sadness in me. The discussion got really personal, and I hated the fact that I couldnt talk about the issues that have defined my life. In the end, I might get turned on when im around her, but I could never give her the full measure of attraction a straight man would.

 

[megustamyn]

Several people have suggested therapy or counseling. It sounds like you have several issues that you need to work with a professional.

It also sounds to me like you’re trying to deal with depression by yourself because you mention sadness frequently. You say you were on antidepressants when you were younger. Are you being monitored for depression now?

All of us get sad when something bad happens – loss of a job, death of a loved one, a breakup, illness, etc. Over time, the situation is resolved or we go through some needed grieving and we get over the sadness. Lingering sadness that keeps us from enjoying life is different. That is a symptom of some underlying condition, usually clinical depression. Clinical depression needs to be monitored and controlled like any other chronic condition such as diabetes or hypertension.

I was in therapy for a few years because I had to deal with some issues. I haven’t seen a therapist in over 15 years but I still have clinical depression and my physician monitors that. I know that I will be taking medication for it the rest of my life. Some people with depression can be off medication for years; that is not my case.

A good therapist will refer you to a psychiatrist if he/she believes you are clinically depressed. Your physician can also diagnose and treat clinical depression if you discuss your symptoms with him.

 

[bankside]

I have some measure of heterosexuality, perhaps that puts me between gay and bisexual. I dont feel a vulnerability towards women, as I do with men. However, if a girl comes up and talks to me at a club I get aroused. I have no idea what that means.

I was talking to one girl last night, she finds me attractive and I actually really wanted to make out last time we were together. She's very perceptive, she told me she sees a sadness in me. The discussion got really personal, and I hated the fact that I couldnt talk about the issues that have defined my life. In the end, I might get turned on when im around her, but I could never give her the full measure of attraction a straight man would.

Part of your journey will be to realize that you could talk to her about the issues defining your life, but you won't talk to her. You possibly have good reasons why you won't, but the reality is you can put your issues on a billboard or a two page newspaper ad if you want to. I realize you might have good reasons to be quite. But knowing that you do have control over coming out is important!

Because then instead of feeling like a victim of your own silence, you know it is a choice you made for a good reason, and it is then also a choice you can change for a good reason.

Megustamyn makes a good point about depression. I don't know if you are depressed or not, but if you are, and if you don't get help to treat it, it will probably make it harder than it needs to be for you to deal with sexuality. So see a doctor - that is what they're there for!

 

[markffd]

I spent sunday with this girl I met from work. Every time we'd be close id get an erection. By the end of the day I had pure blue balls. I felt an electricity with her a couple of days beforehand too. I dont know what all of it means.

I really have no idea who I am. Ive been obsessing all day about the way I speak, I had the old urge to be flamboyant/camp. Anyway, after Im done school in 9 months or so I dont care, im gonna speak the way I want.

 

[G-Lexington]

Don't speak the way you want.
Speak the way you speak.

Lex