My secret...

[Rooster]

I've never gotten off with another person.

I am now in my mid twenties, I have had several sexual partners, and I have just never been able to get off with any of them. I had no problem getting aroused with them or even with staying aroused, and things feel pretty good, but I just don't ejaculate or orgasm. It doesn't seem to matter what type of sex it is or how aroused I am, I just can't seem to do it. I can't even get off masturbating alongside another person.

I'm not taking any medications and I have no illnesses. I usually can get off by myself, but it often takes awhile. I don't think I use the infamous "death grip". I think whatever it is, it is psychological. Maybe I have just become so conditioned to my own fantasies and pornography that I can't get off with reality. Or maybe I'm just not comfortable enough with any of the people I have been with yet to get off.

It's extremely frustrating. It's disconcerting to sexual partners when you can't get off with them, so as you can imagine, I haven't had many long term relationships. I'm getting to the age where I want to find someone and settle down, and this is really becoming a problem.

Any ideas?

 

[ericwhitney]

my advice, for what it's worth
1. take a hiatus from masturbation and porn.
2. don't go to bed with someone until he is an intimate friend first. a person who would never let you slip from his clutches over an issue such as this. chances are slim that you will find this person online.
3. explain the situation before you get into the sack
4. make out with and enjoy your friend and let him enjoy you.
5. be clear in your communication about what feels good to you. do it in a sexy way.

 

[AverageJoe]

Just to clear things up:

You are gay and talking about male sexual partners right?

 

[Rooster]

I had the same problem. Most first times I was with someone, I wouldn't cum.
I think for me, it was psychological, and it was about being vulnerable.
The second time I was with someone I was usually fine

I think its just a mental block

It's comforting to hear that someone else has had the same problem. I've only been with one partner more than once, and so you may have a point.

my advice, for what it's worth
1. take a hiatus from masturbation and porn.
2. don't go to bed with someone until he is an intimate friend first. a person who would never let you slip from his clutches over an issue such as this. chances are slim that you will find this person online.
3. explain the situation before you get into the sack
4. make out with and enjoy your friend and let him enjoy you.
5. be clear in your communication about what feels good to you. do it in a sexy way.

I think I'll have to give this a try. I don't have much to lose.

Just to clear things up:

You are gay and talking about male sexual partners right?

Yes. I've never been with a female partner before.

 

[Speeds]

This happens to a lot of people. You're definitely not alone. Maybe you could try to take a break from masturbation and online fantasies then try to see if it works since you mentioned you have no problem getting aroused alone.

 

[Rooster]

Well I haven't masturbated since starting this thread so it will be interesting to see how things turn out.

 

[Rooster]

I've had the same issue... even when I'm not on meds.

For me, it's comfort level and how relaxed I am with the guy. If I feel the guy just isn't into me, it's an immediate kill. I rarely feel relaxed enough with anyone.

Relaxed is a very good word.

It's embarrassing to admit, but with some guys I even tremble.

I wonder if it just impossible for me to be at that level of comfort with another person. How do you even become that comfortable with someone?

 

[WillMc88]

Relaxed is a very good word.

It's embarrassing to admit, but with some guys I even tremble.

I wonder if it just impossible for me to be at that level of comfort with another person. How do you even become that comfortable with someone?

I had the same problem for years. Eventually, I was with a guy who suggested that maybe I was trying too hard to cum. So I just tried to relax and not force it, and it eventually happened.

As far as being comfortable with someone goes, it's probably not going to happen with a hookup. It would have to be someone you know and trust well. Being honest about your insecurities helps as well, so you don't feel you have to put up a front and pretend they don't exist.

Knowing what gets you off and sharing this information with your partner may be in order too. If you have any 'g-spots,' you should tell your partner so he can exploit them .

 

[Rooster]

I had the same problem for years. Eventually, I was with a guy who suggested that maybe I was trying too hard to cum. So I just tried to relax and not force it, and it eventually happened.

As far as being comfortable with someone goes, it's probably not going to happen with a hookup. It would have to be someone you know and trust well. Being honest about your insecurities helps as well, so you don't feel you have to put up a front and pretend they don't exist.

Knowing what gets you off and sharing this information with your partner may be in order too. If you have any 'g-spots,' you should tell your partner so he can exploit them .

That makes a lot of sense.

Off topic, I've been thinking of moving out to Tallahassee for grad school. I'm assuming that is where you are from. What is the gay community like there?

 

[WillMc88]

That makes a lot of sense.

Off topic, I've been thinking of moving out to Tallahassee for grad school. I'm assuming that is where you are from. What is the gay community like there?

You guessed right lol. Being a college town, it's a transitional city. I just asked my gay roommate and he said the same thing. There are new, young gays coming every year, and leaving shortly after college. Many of the older gay men who live here are out on the prowl for the younger guys.

There's not a lot of sincere fellowship among the gay people in this city, as they're mostly young, party-going, club-hopping, dramatic, etc. I've yet to meet many gay guys of substance here.

However, if you do enjoy the club scene and being able to go to a house party every night of the week, then you may like it.

 

[Nomenclature]

I still haven't, either. I know there's nothing wrong with me, but having sex with someone I don't even know is just too awkward for me. I think that's the problem.

I now only want to bang someone I feel an attraction/connection to and see if that makes the difference.

 

[Rooster]

You guessed right lol. Being a college town, it's a transitional city. I just asked my gay roommate and he said the same thing. There are new, young gays coming every year, and leaving shortly after college. Many of the older gay men who live here are out on the prowl for the younger guys.

There's not a lot of sincere fellowship among the gay people in this city, as they're mostly young, party-going, club-hopping, dramatic, etc. I've yet to meet many gay guys of substance here.

However, if you do enjoy the club scene and being able to go to a house party every night of the week, then you may like it.

That is unfortunate. Oh well, more time to study.

I still haven't, either. I know there's nothing wrong with me, but having sex with someone I don't even know is just too awkward for me. I think that's the problem.

I now only want to bang someone I feel an attraction/connection to and see if that makes the difference.

Attraction alone doesn't seem to work for me. I'll have to try connection as well and see if it works.

 

[Hello-Good-Bi]

I agree, its probably a combination of a lack of "connection" and trying too hard to cum. Find someone you have a spark with, communicate openly with what's going on with you, and get lost in the pleasurable sensations that you're experiencing. Don't think about the destination, but live in the journey, so to speak, and I bet something wonderful will happen. Best of luck to you!