My sister

[thefishinthesea23]

Wow this is kind of long. Please forgive me if something doesn't make sense, since English is my second language and I just ranted on.

My sister was the second person I came out to. Back then she was really supportive and happy that I decided to come out to her (because she had always suspected). Occasionally we would talk about it and she would asked me if I was seeing anyone. It was really nice having someone in my family actually interested in that part of my life.

She recently (~1.5 years) became quite religious or how she calls it, she is now a christian (for selfish reasons that I will not go into). She approaches me differently now (duh right?). Her once curious fun attitude has now turned into a stare full of pity, not interested on why I like men. Lately she has become visibly uncomfortable every time I check a guy out or say something of the like about men.
She is constantly reminding me how much she prays for me. Now I don't mind this per se as "praying for someone" is usually an act of kindness, but she is basically saying that she prays for me so that god shows me the "right way", by dating women instead of men. This is something she told me directly. She told me I knew I would make the right decision eventually...

As you might suspect this is becoming incredibly annoying. She is also always trying to force me to acknowledge her god in various ways; the most nasty being using her daughter to ask me for a blessing. Just in case you dont understand this part, in Spanish it is a custom to ask for a blessing, "la bendicion", from family members. The reply to this is to say, "God bless you" or "Dios te bendiga" which I refuse to say. This would be fine if she didn't push the subject by saying "your niece asked for your blessing" and starring at me. I usually just tell my niece something else like "I love you", but she wants me to say "God bless you".

This are just a few examples of how my relationship with her is deteriorating. I no longer trust her, because every time I talk to her she is basically judging me and reminding me that I am wrong. I used to love visiting her home. Now I come up with excuses not to go, because I don't feel like being preached to. She has taken this position where she thinks she has some moral high-ground and everything ends up being about God.

How do I tell her to stop in a way that she won't be offended or wont go into a religious tangent like she ends up doing lately? I really miss talking to her in a sincere non judgmental way Maybe this wouldn't be so hard for me if when i came out she hadn't been so open and supportive of me.

 

[Seasoned]

She is running the risk of losing you if she continues this behavior. Conservative Christians unfortunately think they have answers not only for themselves but for everyone else as well. There's an expression in English which is, you'll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar." She needs to know that she is pushing you away and you ought to tell her to stop preaching to you and that her new religion has it wrong.

There's an organization in the US called PFLAG, Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays. There are similar organizations around the world. Here's what I found for Spain:

Spain

Central Barcelona
Associació de pares i mares de gais i lesbianes (AMPGIL)
Asociación de Madres y Padres de Gays y Lesbianas (AMPGIL)

Casal Lambda
Verdaguer i Callís 10 - 08003
Tel. 93.319.55.50
Mov. 656.433.624
ampgil@ampgil.org

I suggest you contact them, get some literature and give it to your sister.

Years ago, my husband and I became members of PFLAG just so we'd have literature come to the house so it'd be available for family members.

I'd combat her "facts" with your facts and wouldn't be silent. I know that it will be difficult because she could use your niece as blackmail. She is making a huge mistake at the expense of you and her daughter. It's sad and hurtful and a total misuse of religion.

I wish you well.

Your English is excellent.

 

[Benvolio]

Most opposition to homosexuality is based on the false belief that gays choose it. They are attracted to women, but for some reason decide to have sex with men. I would explain to her, whenever the subject comes up, that you did not choose to be gay, and you cannot now choose not to be gay. No one knows why some are gay but in every population, about 2% are. Some believe it is genetic, some because of the chemistry in the mother's womb. But it is not a choice.
I would emphasize to her that Jesus did not say a single word against homosexuality. He spoke strongly against greed, hypocrisy, divorce, selfishness, and other things, but not against homosexuality. About adultery, he did not approve, but he said; "let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Clearly he did not regard homosexuality as being the big offense that some Christians want it to be.
There are harsh words in the Old Testament, but there are extreme words about many things. Thumb through Leviticus and Deuteronomy and you will find abominations aplenty. Does your sister wear slacks and jeans? Read to her Deuteronomy 22;5 "No woman shall wear and article of man's clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman's dress; for those who do these things are abominable to the Lord your God."

 

[hylas]

im really, really sorry. this must be painful.
you dont mention if youre out in general by now or not. i hope you are, because if shes one of only few people youre out to, the situation is even worse. you obviously cant count on her support anymore.

i would just communicate really clearly to her. dont be afraid of her preaching or her judgement, be really clear. tell her that you love her, and you will be there for her if she needs you, and that you miss her; but her religion is driving you away from her. tell her to knock it the fuck off, or your relationship will become minimal. stop visiting her, dont make excuses, tell her the truth: you dont want to go because you feel unwelcome and judged. im sure she will come up with some crazy-ass response, but dont let yourself be manipulated, be firm and clear. you dont approve of her faith and how she practices it, and as long as she goes on like that, the two of you will not be close anymore. also tell her that you love her and miss her, tell her how painful this is for you, and that youre longing to be closer again. i hope she will come around, and i hope that when that day comes, you will find it in you to forgive her. the best of luck.

 

[medic1]

im really, really sorry. this must be painful.
you dont mention if youre out in general by now or not. i hope you are, because if shes one of only few people youre out to, the situation is even worse. you obviously cant count on her support anymore.

i would just communicate really clearly to her. dont be afraid of her preaching or her judgement, be really clear. tell her that you love her, and you will be there for her if she needs you, and that you miss her; but her religion is driving you away from her. tell her to knock it the fuck off, or your relationship will become minimal. stop visiting her, dont make excuses, tell her the truth: you dont want to go because you feel unwelcome and judged. im sure she will come up with some crazy-ass response, but dont let yourself be manipulated, be firm and clear. you dont approve of her faith and how she practices it, and as long as she goes on like that, the two of you will not be close anymore. also tell her that you love her and miss her, tell her how painful this is for you, and that youre longing to be closer again. i hope she will come around, and i hope that when that day comes, you will find it in you to forgive her. the best of luck.

^ This .
So clear , So concise , and so in your face .

 

[thefishinthesea23]

Thank you for the sound advice everyone. I do think I will have to confront her about this soon, but I need to get mentally prepared so I dont end up pushing her away by being to aggressive (this topic tends to get me agitated). What I will be quite clear about is the way she is using her daughter "against" me. I was thinking, she might not even realize she is doing it, but that will definitely be addressed.
I think I will focus mostly on how I miss the way we used to be and ask her to be clear if me being gay bothers her now. Hopefully I will not end up having a theological debate with her, because I am so tired of them at this point and I don't want to fight with my siblings. It doesn't even matter if she dislikes that I am gay as long as she stops pushing her religion on my face every time we talk.

 

[hylas]

oh, she knows what shes doing. dont be afraid of being a little aggressive, because what shes been doing to you is a form of aggression as well.

yeah, stay away from theological or scientific debates, or discussions about whether or not you chose to be gay, or about how irrational homophobia is. dont let her drag you there, and i suspect she will try. you will never win a theological debate, even if your arguments are rock-solid, because religion is inherently irrational, and at the end of the day, people will just believe whatever they want to. stay on topic: this is about her, and your relationship to her. you love her and you miss her, but her behaviour and her choices are not acceptable to you. the best of luck.

 

[thefishinthesea23]

Ok so I finally talked to my sister about the way she has been relating to me lately. It was surprising how hard it was to get the message across to her that it wasn't about God, but about how my relationship with her was being jeopardized with her constant preaching.

Ugh it was just such a convoluted conversation and she never gave me straight answer. The interchange was always in the brink of theological debate, but I kept pulling it back to just talking about us. So she tolerates homosexuality now, but its against it for the same old cliche religious reasons. How lucky am I that my sister tolerates me? *sigh* I offer her to direct her to some websites where she could read about the subject, but she decline claiming she already new what she needed to know regarding homosexuality (perhaps because she thinks this because she is a nurse with a masters degree, but that only makes this more silly doesn't it?). At this point I swear she was going to take out a bible o.o.

At least she understood the part about not using my niece for her silly agenda. She made me try to feel guilty by saying "why wouldn't you want to bless your niece?" I couldn't believe it. She agreed to stop this at least.

In the end I told her there is more to me than being gay and that we could try to have a relationship without bringing homosexuality and religion into it, but honestly I don't think it is going to happen. To me that was more of a stranger than my sister talking to me. Ever since her new found devotion, she has lost interest in everything she used to like. I hate it, but im just going to have to bring back the elephant into the room when I am with her from now on (does that make sense?)

 

[Seasoned]

It makes sense to me. She lost herself in faulty "religious" thinking and you can't control that anymore than she can control you being gay. Hopefully, she'll let go of the preaching part, but you sound prepared if she doesn't. Your niece is already blessed with a caring uncle. I hope this gets easier.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi thefishinthesea23,

Great to hear that you had the guts to talk to your sister and thanks for reporting this to us. Im not very surprized about the result. Others have already told you that religious people like your sister cannot cope with gay relatives. I am glad you have made clear to her that you feel very sad and disappointed that she cannot accept you.

So you have done your best, and its up to her to see how she wants to cope with the situation. I tend to advise you that you should not put much time and effort in maintaining a good relationship with her. Religious people like her won't change, and you cannot do anything against it.

You, on the other hand, are living in Spain, and I am quite sure that there are loads and loads and loads of Spanish people who don't care if you are gay, straight or anything in between. So better concentrate your life around people who accept you who you are.

Good luck & best wishes

 

[dereperez]

Ok so I finally talked to my sister about the way she has been relating to me lately. It was surprising how hard it was to get the message across to her that it wasn't about God, but about how my relationship with her was being jeopardized with her constant preaching.

Ugh it was just such a convoluted conversation and she never gave me straight answer. The interchange was always in the brink of theological debate, but I kept pulling it back to just talking about us. So she tolerates homosexuality now, but its against it for the same old cliche religious reasons. How lucky am I that my sister tolerates me? *sigh* I offer her to direct her to some websites where she could read about the subject, but she decline claiming she already new what she needed to know regarding homosexuality (perhaps because she thinks this because she is a nurse with a masters degree, but that only makes this more silly doesn't it?). At this point I swear she was going to take out a bible o.o.

At least she understood the part about not using my niece for her silly agenda. She made me try to feel guilty by saying "why wouldn't you want to bless your niece?" I couldn't believe it. She agreed to stop this at least.

In the end I told her there is more to me than being gay and that we could try to have a relationship without bringing homosexuality and religion into it, but honestly I don't think it is going to happen. To me that was more of a stranger than my sister talking to me. Ever since her new found devotion, she has lost interest in everything she used to like. I hate it, but im just going to have to bring back the elephant into the room when I am with her from now on (does that make sense?)

This seems more like your sister telling you that she will have things on her terms more than anything else, but what else can you do? You care about your sister a lot so like you said, it will have to be the elephant in the room when you visit her, or vice-versa. The silver-lining in all this is that it sounds like the situation could possibly be gradually improved in the future. She isn't completely shutting you out. I hope you two will be able to find common ground to bridge that gap.

 

[njcollegekid]

unfortunately, there may not be much room left for logic. logical thought and faith seem to be inversely proportional and competing processes - too much of one will undermine the other. if she is devout/fanatical (depending on the perspective), then she treats scriptures as absolute truth, and likely will not budge on the subject.
but perhaps if you are very patient, you can slowly pry her from her views, just showing her that you can be good and not be straight.

 

[thefishinthesea23]

Actually I am glad I had this conversation with her. Thinking back on it a few days after the fact, I realized that I don't want my sister involved in my life as much as I wanted her to be before her new religious fervor. I don't even feel bad about it anymore. If she wants to adopt such a backwards mentality in that stage of her life after having being so open minded before, then screw it. I am not taking a step back for her. It is me actually feeling pity for her now. I will continue trying to have a brotherly relationship with her, but I am not going to stop being me. So yeah I am feeling quite good about this. Thanks everyone.

 

[Seasoned]

^Nice to read!