My Story - Kinda Long

[IloveTurtle]

I read a post on this site that said that in order to help me get through my situation I should write it down. I think I need to share this with someone even if its with a bunch of people I have never and never will meet.

I am twenty years old. I know I am gay but Ive never really accepted that about myself and I have never come out to anyone. I think Ive known this about myself for as long as I remember, but when I was younger I always hoped it was a phase that would pass, but it never has. I know my family will never accept it because my mother once found a picture on my computer from a porn site and cried, and im serious about this, for a month just because she thought her son was gay. I should have used this opportunity to officially tell her but I was much younger at the time and I did not really understand my sexuality at that point. My real problem started about a year ago. My brother, who is slightly younger than me, had some of his friends over. One of them, who I had never met before, started to talk with me and we immediately hit it off. Since then, we honestly have been inseparable, with multiple people joking about us being a "couple." This thing is, we really act like one, and I know I am not just deluded and grasping for something when I say he has at least unwittingly flirtted with me. I know for a fact he is straight and love his girlfriend but somewhere along the way I lost sight of that and got caught up in some idea of romance that I know never will happen. I tried to get this idea out of my head, but I can not and it makes me physically sick. I get jealous of him when he is with his girlfriend. When I am not with him, I constantly think about him. The problem is, aside from my attraction to him, he is honestly the best friend I ever had. Ive never really had a "best" friend until him. I am not really sure where I am going with this but I hope that writing this will somehow help me get through my situation. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.

 

[d1919v]

I've never been in a position like yours before, so I don't know how much light I can shed on your dilemma. However, my best advice, this coming from a 22 yr old, I would say is to branch out. Perhaps try to make some new friends and you'll meet other great people. I think it's unhealthy to stay transfixed on the friends you have in general. I think you'll figure it out, you sound like a smart individual.

 

[BearMagus]

I think you're at that stage in life where young people are just starting to sort through things which might include your friend. For most gay men, there is that odd time in life where we had girl friends while coming to terms with our selves. Don't assume this guy you like is straight because he has a girlfriend. He might be gay, or like a lot of young men your age, very curious about sex and his sexuality. If he is the best friend you ever had, then he should be accepting of who you are.

A thoughtful person regardless of sexuality or orientation will always take someone being attracted to them as a compliment not a threat.

 

[Seasoned]

I fought being gay for a long time for a lot of reasons. I have said on a lot of responses that coming out to oneself can be the most difficult part of the coming out process. Keep an open mind towards life. Enjoy your friend. You'll know when the time is right to come out to other people. Don't worry too much about your mother. Take care of yourself and find support wherever you can. My guess is that you will not always live at home.

 

[spunk-junky]

I have not been in your exact position either. However, coming to terms with one's sexuality is something we have all struggled with or are currently struggling with. And in many ways, the "coming out" process never really ends. I agree with another writer who suggests branching out. You sound somewhat isolated and alone. I think writing your thoughts here is a good start. You need to meet other young, gay men and women who understand what you are going through, with whom you can safely share experiences, gradually become more comfortable with who you are and hopefully make new friends. I don't have specific advice regarding your best friend, but meeting new people may help decrease your reliance on him for socialization and diffuse some of the intense feelings and focus on this one person. With the internet, you should be able to find support services, groups or activities for questioning young adults that you can tap into. Despite all the potential problems with coming out (such as with your family), I think 99% of people would say it is the single best thing they have ever done for themselves and ultimately made them much happier people.

 

[gregstar01]

I think you need to stay away from this guy because clearly he is making you upset. He has a girlfriend and is straight. He may be curious but you must remember he has a girlfriend so nothing should happen. The more you spend with him, the more you will like him and the harder it gets. My advice is to stay away.

 

[tonynchi]

Hi I bet a lot of us could have written your post at one time or another and looking back there are a lot of things I would have done differently. My experience happened my last year in HS. I'm from a rural, very religious community and my parents, although nice people, equated gay with, at the very least a mental disorder and at the very most, something evil. Although I had a lot of friends, I had never had an extremely close friend until I met this guy half way through my senior year. He was extremely straight but, like you, it iften felt we were dating. He often told me how much he loved me etc. Although he had no idea I was into guys (he was very homophobic) it was one of the most intense relationships I had ever experienced. By the next year we both had gone off to college but wrote each other every week. Once seperated, I knew I had fallen in love with him and it sucked. I had earlier hoped that once in college, I'd at least have a chance to meet someone like myself but instead I held onto some irrational belief that my friend was the only person in the world that I wanted to be with. I buried myself in a fraternity, didn't date and was pretty miserable most of the time lol. What I realized much later is that young guys that are straight generally do have an intense friendship with another guy until they too experience their first love. Although my friend had serious girlfriends, he did not actually fall in love until his last year of college. Once that happened, I noticed the intimacy he had once felt with me was completely gone. Sorry for the long post but I agree with the other poster that you shouldn't allow yourself to be isolated. First loves are intense but you have to move on fairly quickly or you are just spinning your wheels. Also, don't let your experience compel you to come out unless you are ready because it changes everything between yourself, friends, and family, especially at your age. I did come out my last semester in college and other than one of my friends, no one was supportive and my folks never got past it. Although I hated living a double life, I wish I had waited to come out until I was totally on my own and away from the people that had once been so fond of me. It was too much of a leap for them and since none of them had any gay friends they really had no context regarding what being gay even is. Definitely come out for yourself but don't do it for others simply because you believe you owe them the truth. Not everyone can handle the truth and our society can be very primitive lol.