My story

[Audio Tech]

Well, I found this forum and have done a lot of reading, so after lurking for a while I thought I'd tello my story in the hopes it may help me in some way.

I basically grew up in a family where religion is important and Gay and Lesbian people should be burned at the stake.

I think I have always been more attracted to boys when I was young. In school I had only male friends since I was just not interested in Girls at all. Needless to say, I didn't go to the prom. It was very difficult going through High School, because I didn't fit in with the norm, and I was deeply ashamed of my feelings that I couldn't ever admit to anyone. I kept to myself mostly, and even though I had friends, I was in pain inside.

Life got better once I was out of school, since I escaped the daily torture of being around guys I could never touch.

I went on to have a job that I really liked and I thought that I had managed to suppress my inner feelings well enough to live a normal life. I went out with the guys and girls, went dancing, even to strip clubs and had a good time. Hell, I even dated a few Girls and was actually quite attracted to one in particular. The irony here is that I do get hot over a great female body, but I know I could never have sex with one. At least if I did, I would just be going through the motions without feeling much of anything. It's very odd, and this has confused me all my life. Let me say that I really like a nice Ass, and get totally turned on by male and female alike, but deep down I only want to experience sex with men. It took me a long time to come to grips with this. All my life I have been taught that what I am is an abomination, and I will burn in hell.

Obviously I keep my inner life a secret to my family and friends to this day. But let me continue....

While working, I developed a good friendship with a jounger guy (I was now 25, he was 20) and we started going surfing together. I had a great time with him, even though he is straight and has a girlfriend (now married). It was hard to keep my feelings inside, as all I wanted to do is love and be loved by him, or someone like him.

I eventually quit my job and we drifted apart since he got married. Seems no one goes surfing once they get married.....

Anyway, I live in pain every day. The internet has given me a glimpse into the Gay life I only wished I had. I see happy young guys getting plowed by equally happy (and attractive) young guys only to remind myself that I have lost my best years of my youth because of my situation.

My plan was to move out and start my own life, away from my family.... far enough away where I could finally be myself. This did not happen.

My Dad decided to leave my Mother one day. She had no way to keep our house by herself, and was already basically going to die homeless on the street. I do NOT kid.

Now, I have a brother who also still lived with us, he's 11 years younger than myself. When all this went down we had a long talk about mom and the house. He desperately wanted to keep the house and I warned him that it would be great sacrifice for us both. Neither of us had a job at that particular moment. We decided (after my mom wanted to slit her wrists in the bathtub) that we would fight to keep the house and take care of her. She is now on social security and get's enough to eat dogfood but not live. I love my Mom and just could not see her on the street. She had nowhere to go, my brother was young, and I had a way out. I didn't take it.

But I did "the right thing" and we both got jobs (my second, his first) and clawed our way back from foreclosure. At the time, I didn't feel much of anything, and I accepted the fact that my life would be compromised for the greater good.
My brother goes out and is "Normal", so all is good.... for him.

11 more years have passed and we are doing actually quite well. I am self employed, so have weathered the economy pretty well. My brother recently lost his job as the company he worked for ended up in chapter 7. Fortunately for us, we have good reserves and he gets the max in umemployment, so we will be fine for at least a year like this.

Alas, I am now 45 years old and it has again hit me like a ton of bricks. My mom MIGHT accept me as who I really am, but my brother is so hateful that I just cannot believe how intolerant he can be. It is frightening.

I cry over my lost youth, and the cowardness that was drilled into my very being regards who I am. I alway justified my actions in the past because even when I was 11, I knew I didn't ever want children, and this never changed. When I COULD have fooled around in the 80's, I feared catching diseases or even AIDS. This fear was so powerful that it kept me in check, so to speak.

These days I play around with toys when I have a moment of privacy. I fantasize of a lover holding me and gently sliding his tool inside me. And I dream of doing the same to him. I dream of being truly LOVED.
Oh if only......

But I am trapped. I am at a point in my life where I have too much to loose, and cannot start all over. I cannot admit to anyone what my real feelings are, because it WOULD destroy my life.
I don't care that much about my friends, but my family..... that's another thing.

I feel trapped, I am invested in something I can no longer walk away from. I am forced to live my life in secret, if only I could ever meet someone. You see the other problem in my screwed up life trying to do the right thing is that now I feel old, and no longer desirable to anyone else. I am an average guy, never had a "great body" even when I was young. Some may dis-agree, but I always felt inadequate.

The biggest problem is that I do not like guys my own age. I am very young inside, and lets face it, like younger guys as a result.

I live a sad and painful existence. I used to think that I had it beat, that I was pretty content with life in general. But I find that the need for companionship really never goes away. I have even thought of suicide, which would probably suit my brother just fine if he found out my dirty secret.

Reading stories of guys in their late teens coming out isn't helping, since it just reminds me how I managed to ruin my life. I wish I had had the balls to be myself, even if it meant being homeless as a result. At least I may have found someone to truly be HAPPY with.

But I didn't, and now must live with the pain and regret to this day.

I need help, or just some kind words. I still get a hard-on when I see certain girls, even though I'd never fuck them. I still can't understand this. I know I like guys, and would love to try every conceivable way and position. But alas.

So what now? I am not getting any younger and I at the very least want to experience real intimacy in my life even though I can not have a relationship in the open.

I have made my mistakes in my life and paying the price. Maybe someone will read this and learn a valuable lesson. I would give EVERYTHING to be 18 again and change my life.

I am surrounded by loved ones, and bitterly lonely.

Thanks for listening.

 

[hotatlboi]

Wow what a sad story.

You've come to a partial realization of who you are, and that's good.

But you've still not realized the most important thing for where you are, which is that it is never too late to start over. Never.

Trust me on this, you are not too old at 45 to start enjoying a happy out gay life. Your life is what you make it and even though you feel that you missed out in your earlier years, you can make a choice to be happy now and live the life you want to live. I'm not sure why you think that since you didn't come out when you were younger that you can't now, but that is just NOT the case.

Seriously, why oh why are you still making yourself a prisoner to your old mom and younger brother's attitude? Who cares if they accept you or not? YOU have a right to be happy. You have to take control of your life, or you are going to be 65 and are going to be having the same regrets about now as you do about your youth at this point.

Your last statement says it all. How can your loved ones really love you when they don't even know who you are or how much pain you are in? You have to realize that you have nothing to lose. So what if they don't accept you? It's not like their associations are doing much for you now. You are sad and miserable. The only way you are going to turn things around is if you take charge of your life and stop living in the shadow of other people and their expectations.

You might want to seriously consider talking with a counselor. It sounds to me like you have some deep issues relating to your upbringing and those have caused you to feel psychologically trapped even in the present. If you can work through those maybe you can gain the confidence to start to turn your life in a positive direction.

 

[Kyanimal]

I definitely feel your pain! And, to some extent, I pretty much know "where" you are now!

I'm a Preacher's Kid, from a long line of ministers, including my cousins! They're all basically grouped around Ohio. Therefore, the Family Name, all on it's own, has way too much Public recognition! However, I was lucky enough to be able to move 500mi. away. And, yet STILL, to this day, I've run into a few that say, "Are you related to ... ?"

I also "did my duty" and played (all the way) with lots of girls, clear through my 20's! Even nearly married about half a dozen of them! (No! Not at the same time.) However, I always "knew" ... and, thankfully, gently backed away.

Other than the usual "messing" with friends, I didn't have sex with a guy until I was in college. And, even then, it was kept on the Very "down low". In spite of being away from home (in Chicago), I "automatically" kept up my carefully manicured "Image".

When I hit 30, I became more adventurous, thanks to finding a roommate, whom I'd know for a little while, through friends. It wasn't until a few months later that he told me he was gay. We had a long chat (we weren't really "in to" each other "that way") and he, and his boyfriend, who later moved in, too, began showing me the Gay Scene in Milwaukee. And, yes, believe it or not, there really is one!

Two years later, I met "My" Kev. That was 27yr. ago! In fact, he's upstairs sleeping while I'm typing this.

Over the years, after much "hiding", I was surprised how my immediate family was so accepting! Our families have kind of melded together, since. I think my parents, and sister, like Kev more than they do me!!

I have NO idea if my uncles, aunts, and cousins "know". But, then again, I no longer care all that much if they do, or not. When I'm back in Ohio, it's just not mentioned if they're around. Kev has only met, and stayed with, my parents, sister, and her family.

Here in Milwaukee, I still have many friends who probably have no idea, either! Though most of them have probably guessed. At least I'm not "all out front" about it. I was raised with a Very Bright Line between Public and Private. "In the closet" at work, and only "marginally out" at home. But, if anyone has met Kev, trust me, they KNOW!

Yes. The latter part of my story is quite different than yours. But, I do understand the following ...

Due to circumstances/conditions beyond our control, we are not always free to be ourselves. And, THAT can lead to more angst than can be possibly described to, or understood by, anyone that hasn't experienced it themselves.

I'm 59 now, but my "inner guy" still thinks he's 25!

The past can be full of many deep regrets. However, there is nothing we can do to "go back" and fix them.

The only thing that we can try to control is our Future.

Discretion is the better part of Valor.

It is possible to live a "double life", if you're extremely careful, and can absolutely TRUST the ones you're "with".

There are more gay/bi guys around you than you, or anyone else for that matter, can possibly realize.

The people that Truly love you can be far more accepting than you can imagine. Some just take more time to "adjust".

There is always HOPE!

Life is a journey, not a destination. Don't take Life so seriously ... none of us are going to survive it, anyway.

There is no time like the present.

Suicide is not a solution. It's a permanent END, provided you're successful. And, if you're not, there will be so many questions, that your Secret might come out, anyway. We're all going to die eventually. Why not stick around to find out how the movie plays out?

Yes, your situation is more severe than mine was. And, for that, I am so sorry to hear that you've been living with such constraints. But, it also sounds like you, your brother, and mom, have managed to overcome most of what's been dealt y'all. For THAT you should take great comfort, and, indeed, some well deserved Pride! You've gotten through some extremely tough times!

Are you all that SURE about your brother? And, what do you think he might REALLY do should he "discover" your Secret? It would seem to me that everyone is pretty much dependent on You! Do you really think they would "cut off their nose to spite their face"?

Even given their practical concerns, do you honestly feel they would forsake you? The son, the brother, that they love and admire? Are you, perhaps, underestimating them? Only you can answer those questions ...

And, do not underestimate Yourself! Yeah! We're no longer Twinks! But, that does not mean that we're no longer attractive, either. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Don't try to decide for anyone else who might be "beholding" You!

Good Grief! It's late! I've been typing way to long! But, your story hit a nerve. I hope I haven't bored you too much with my ranting! One more thing about getting older ... we tend to want to share our advice, even more, as each day passes. NOW I know why "old geezers" are always looking for an audience!

Of course, no matter what ... and I do mean this seriously ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first post.

The common thread in your story is a life that has been lived for other people, not for yourself.

While it is commendable that you have stepped up and did the right thing to help your family, it's also wrong to live your life in fear of their rejection. It seems that they are dependent upon you to keep them afloat, so they reject you at their own peril.

There's a question that I pose to people who get into these "caretaking" roles... It's great that you're taking care of other people but tell me- in 20 years, who is going to be taking care of you?

You 're at a cross-roads. You can continue on your current path of putting your own life on hold to live for what other people need or what other people think. Or you can make a decision to start living your own life.

 

[Elwood]

It is never to late!! I came out of the closet at 38 after being married and having kids. It is now six years later and I live my life as an out gay man. I have not lost a friend and I was surprised at what little reaction I got from friends and family, even my kids twin 13 year old boys.

I cannot say they same will happen to you and I am not trying to tell you to come out, I am just saying it is not to late, and often enough you will be surprised how people will react. Just something to ponder, and to help you realize you are not alone.

 

[Telstra]

"what now? "

Now is the time to take care of yourself and move away from your family (especially your brother) if you are unable or unwilling to tell them who you are.

Just distance yourself from them and live your life.
The more you distance yourself from them the easier it will get.

I don't know the situation between you and your brother but he can be easily ignored. I'm sure he got enough of his own personal issues to deal with ... and you have yours ...

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. Your story speaks to a lot of issues and is a good one for all of us to read. Everyone is on a path. There are all kinds of ways to live one's life. No matter what our inner journey is the most important part of acceptance. "Normal" is what is true and real, not someone else's expectation. It is normal that some people are gay. Empowerment and courage come from within, so does fear. If we have to lie to be loved, we are not loved. No one has rights over are true self. Homophobia can only be fought by confrontation, which can be gentle or militant. Sexual orientation plays a huge role in life whether or not we are sexually active. Religion, which is more concerned with "don'ts" rather than "dos" forces people into inner conflict and can be a form of abuse. Denial of self can lead to sexual abuse, mental illness, suicide, or even homicide. "Silience = Death," and there is more than one kind of death. It is never too late to live an authentic life. Good luck to you, Audio Tech.

 

[Lucas07]

thank you for sharing us your story.
It has made me think about my life right now.. I am young (21) but I am still for the most part closeted. I feel lonely and incomplete, and I am longing for love. I kind of do regret not coming out. I wish I couldve come out when I had the chance to when I was younger. I am ruled by fear and this paranoia. Of pleasing other people, living the norm... I am a coward.

Your story has made me think about my life and where it's going.

I do believe that even though things have already passed and done, it's not too late to start living life. There is someone out there for everyone. Everyone can be happy - everyone's worthy of it. I suppose we just have to start thinking that WE deserve it. that our lives are not to be lived following other people's expectations and templates.

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

I wish you all the best, I really do. And I wish you love.

hugs

 

[Audio Tech]

Thank you for the kind words. I am trying desperately not to self-destruct. That has brought me here. Right now I am horribly depressed. Especially when I read of people having the same problems at 21. That is the best time of our lives, and for one reason or another, we throw it away. The pain that this brings us later is UNBEARABLE.

Change your life, before you get stuck in something that you cannot change without SEVERE consequences.

I'll write more on this later, as being able to tell SOMEONE that can understand my pain is indeed helping me in some way.

 

[hotatlboi]

Change your life, before you get stuck in something that you cannot change without SEVERE consequences.

This is where you are still going wrong. You CAN change your circumstances if you desire to. It's all about accepting that you deserve to live your life on your own terms and not other people's.

 

[Kyanimal]

Thank you for the kind words. I am trying desperately not to self-destruct. That has brought me here. Right now I am horribly depressed. Especially when I read of people having the same problems at 21. That is the best time of our lives, and for one reason or another, we throw it away. The pain that this brings us later is UNBEARABLE.

Change your life, before you get stuck in something that you cannot change without SEVERE consequences.

I'll write more on this later, as being able to tell SOMEONE that can understand my pain is indeed helping me in some way.

What you stated is good advice to ANYONE, younger, or not! You have learned that very painful lesson, and are now seeking some salvation for yourself. But, you should also listen to yourself, too. (See my siggy and quote.)

Now to play a bit of Devil's Advocate: What exactly are those SEVERE consequences? Write them down, even if you don't care to post them here.

Read what you've written, and ask yourself ... who is truly going to be "harmed" by this, in what ways, and who is going to be coming out the worse for it? You, or Them?

It would seem to me that You are the one with the upper hand when it comes to practicalities. And, keep in mind, that what you might expect to happen likely won't go the way you are imagining it. We can't truly predict, let alone control, how others are going to react. No matter how well you may Know someone, they can always surprise you when "push comes to shove".

And, if things do indeed go as bad as you're thinking they will ... will that truly be such a Severe thing for YOU, vs., what you're experiencing now?? Prepare for the Worst, while hoping for the Best. But, even if things do go for the Worst, will that really be so Bad? You need to be as Objective as you can about this.

Hopefully, our comments can offer you that "outside perspective". Try to take a step, or two, away from yourself, and look "back" with a thorough look. Counselors are also available to help you do exactly that. It would probably be a very good idea for you to find one.

It's truly Admirable to "step up", when it's so sorely needed, to help others, and yourself, out. Now it is time to ask Them to "step up" and support You in your personal needs! It's really only Fair! And, it's NEVER too late!!

Of course, and I am very Serious about this, no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Audio Tech]

Thanks for all the replies, and especially to some that have pm'd me in support. It is amazing just how helpful this forum has been to my soul in just a few short days. What I have read has made me re-evaluate my life in a dramatic way. It's true, I cannot undo the last 30 years of my life, but that does not mean I should be forced to live the next 30 the same way.

Reading the stories of others has helped to give me the courage to take back control of my life. I was quite literally at the point of self-destruction when I first signed on here.

I found out that I am not the only person that lives a life of great pain, for one reason or another, until they can work up the enormous courage to not only come out to their friends and relatives, but most importantly (as I take it) THEMSELVES.

Having said this, I am already planning something myself. I KNOW that I am going to do this, so just waiting for the proper venue. Hell, I damn near blurted it out at the dinner table tonight.

I am going on a long weekend with my mom after thanksgiving. We will be having a nice, long talk while enjoying the timeshare. My mom will likely take ok to the idea. She probably suspects for a long time anyway, as I have NEVER brought home a girl or went to the prom.
In fact, she has been asked once or twice by someone else if I was Gay. I laughed it off at the time, of course, claiming that my morbid fear of STD's and Children were my main reason for not dating. This is actually true, besides the fact that at the time I had NO attraction to them at all.

Hopefully that will go well, and then I just have to work up a way to ease my brother into it.
Wouldn't it be a blast if he were gay and just as screwed up as myself? Sure don't act like it, though. In that case, I am happy for him that he does not have to go through life like I did.

Well, we'll see.

Before I came here, I:

Never thought I would come to a Gay forum.
Never thought I would open myself to complete strangers.
Never thought I'd risk ridicule and being hurt even more.
Never thought I could heal so quickly...
Never thought I would even THINK about coming out.
Never thought so many others were just like me.
Never thought I could accept (finally) who I am.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Telstra]

^ there are over 6 billion people on this earth.
There must be someone who gone thro the same thing as you. In fact must be alot of people in similar situation as you.

About your brother, he is not married or partnered ?
He must be gay for sure !!!

 

[hvk1989]

Good luck this weekend Audio Tech! After doing things for others as a way to mask who I was to myself, I came out a few weeks ago at 38. The biggest thing I found for me that helped, which you seem to be doing, is moving forward with a direction. Just remember, you are not alone!

 

[Audio Tech]

Telstra,


No, he's 35 and single. Odd thing is that he has ONLY female friends.

You would think if he were gay he wouldn't be so venomous whenever the topic comes up on TV. I always ask him why he is so cruel regarding people he doesn't even know, why should they not be allowed to live their own lives. Not like every gay guy is looking for him here at home to fuck him. So what's the deal?

He never gets into it. I just don't know WHAT to think. But at least I will be honest with myself.

 

[Telstra]

Telstra,


No, he's 35 and single. Odd thing is that he has ONLY female friends.

You would think if he were gay he wouldn't be so venomous whenever the topic comes up on TV. I always ask him why he is so cruel regarding people he doesn't even know, why should they not be allowed to live their own lives. Not like every gay guy is looking for him here at home to fuck him. So what's the deal?

He never gets into it. I just don't know WHAT to think. But at least I will be honest with myself.

study showed, most homophobic people are normally a homo themselves.
He has ONLY female friends, that means he is attracted to males but because he fear (phobia) other males so match he never have the guts to have male friends. Can you do some research on him and prove me wrong?

Example: Ted Haggard
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=286231&highlight=crazy+ted

 

[spencer]

Here's the thing. You're brother is 35 living at home and single, what is he doing? He has wasted 20 years of his life too right? It's not necessarily a gay straight thing. People are afraid to participate in life, people of all walks of life.

I know it's hard to accept what happened, but it's time to move on from the regret and forgive yourself for not being yourself sooner. Everyone comes out at their own pace. At 20 I wasn't even close to being ready to deal with all these feelings. And better now that 10 years from now, right?

Now that you have come to the realization that you want to change. Then start taking steps to do so. Life is what you make it. And from the sounds of things, you have the motivation to make it better. Go and just do it.

 

[Elwood]

Thanks for all the replies, and especially to some that have pm'd me in support. It is amazing just how helpful this forum has been to my soul in just a few short days. What I have read has made me re-evaluate my life in a dramatic way. It's true, I cannot undo the last 30 years of my life, but that does not mean I should be forced to live the next 30 the same way.

Reading the stories of others has helped to give me the courage to take back control of my life. I was quite literally at the point of self-destruction when I first signed on here.

I found out that I am not the only person that lives a life of great pain, for one reason or another, until they can work up the enormous courage to not only come out to their friends and relatives, but most importantly (as I take it) THEMSELVES.

Having said this, I am already planning something myself. I KNOW that I am going to do this, so just waiting for the proper venue. Hell, I damn near blurted it out at the dinner table tonight.

I am going on a long weekend with my mom after thanksgiving. We will be having a nice, long talk while enjoying the timeshare. My mom will likely take ok to the idea. She probably suspects for a long time anyway, as I have NEVER brought home a girl or went to the prom.
In fact, she has been asked once or twice by someone else if I was Gay. I laughed it off at the time, of course, claiming that my morbid fear of STD's and Children were my main reason for not dating. This is actually true, besides the fact that at the time I had NO attraction to them at all.

Hopefully that will go well, and then I just have to work up a way to ease my brother into it.
Wouldn't it be a blast if he were gay and just as screwed up as myself? Sure don't act like it, though. In that case, I am happy for him that he does not have to go through life like I did.

Well, we'll see.

Before I came here, I:

Never thought I would come to a Gay forum.
Never thought I would open myself to complete strangers.
Never thought I'd risk ridicule and being hurt even more.
Never thought I could heal so quickly...
Never thought I would even THINK about coming out.
Never thought so many others were just like me.
Never thought I could accept (finally) who I am.

Thanks for listening.

I am so happy for you!!! I wish you all the best with your coming out process!!! Keep us updated. This forum truly is a wonderful place that has helped many people including myself with the coming out process.

 

[Audio Tech]

Well, I planned to wait until our Palm Springs weekend to tell my mom. But this morning my brother had to go out on a job and wasn't here. I still wanted to wait, but on the way to the kitchen I again broke down and started Crying. I finally went back past my mom crying "I can't do this any more!"

I asked her to please sit with me so I could talk to her. I had something tactful in mind, but in the end, through a stream of tears I just blurted out that I'm gay.

We talked for 4 hours. My mom is so incredible.... she cried for me and said "why didn't you do this much sooner and spared yourself all this pain?"

I feel so much better at this point, with only my brother to deal with next. My mom also agrees that his behavior is strange, and he is very secretive. We both thought it would be quite amusing if HE, too, were gay.

My mom so rocks. She said that she has and still knows many gay people. They are the kindest people you would ever want to meet. I am still her son, nothing has changed.

I cannot BELIEVE how good it felt to openly admit to her how I felt about a "cute boy" and she smiled.

I am still shaking at the enormous courage the first step took. She felt so bad for me, but I assured her that the prison I lived in was mine alone. It was "I" that had to come to peace with myself. No one else.

I even had the guts to tell her about my water fantasy, where my boyfriend would hold me tight and fuck me under water for as long as I can hold my breath (nearly 3 minutes when I surf a lot) and how I would just close my eyes and smile, being TRULY at peace.

She just thought it was a wonderful thing, as sex in the water is the most amazing thing you can have.

Yeah.... I was blown away.

I told her about this forum and the other people that live in pain and fear. And how it probably saved my life. My next step would have been suicide, leaving a letter explaining my life, and why I finally killed myself.

She just said that I love myself just a little more than I hate myself, and that's a good thing.

As we talked, I touched on my brother again. I told her that I will tell him when he comes home, for better or worse. I can NOT go back. I am willing to accept understanding, or denial from him. One way or the other, I am going to live the rest of my life.... FREE.

 

[crowboy]

Good for you.

I am so glad I read this before responding to your PM. I am very glad for you that things have gone well with your mother. You have broken free of the prison and now it is your time to be free.

Enjoy your new found freedom and live life.