My story

[Telstra]

Well, I planned to wait until our Palm Springs weekend to tell my mom. But this morning my brother had to go out on a job and wasn't here. I still wanted to wait, but on the way to the kitchen I again broke down and started Crying. I finally went back past my mom crying "I can't do this any more!"

I asked her to please sit with me so I could talk to her. I had something tactful in mind, but in the end, through a stream of tears I just blurted out that I'm gay.

We talked for 4 hours. My mom is so incredible.... she cried for me and said "why didn't you do this much sooner and spared yourself all this pain?"

I feel so much better at this point, with only my brother to deal with next. My mom also agrees that his behavior is strange, and he is very secretive. We both thought it would be quite amusing if HE, too, were gay.

My mom so rocks. She said that she has and still knows many gay people. They are the kindest people you would ever want to meet. I am still her son, nothing has changed.

I cannot BELIEVE how good it felt to openly admit to her how I felt about a "cute boy" and she smiled.

I am still shaking at the enormous courage the first step took. She felt so bad for me, but I assured her that the prison I lived in was mine alone. It was "I" that had to come to peace with myself. No one else.

I even had the guts to tell her about my water fantasy, where my boyfriend would hold me tight and fuck me under water for as long as I can hold my breath (nearly 3 minutes when I surf a lot) and how I would just close my eyes and smile, being TRULY at peace.

She just thought it was a wonderful thing, as sex in the water is the most amazing thing you can have.

Yeah.... I was blown away.

I told her about this forum and the other people that live in pain and fear. And how it probably saved my life. My next step would have been suicide, leaving a letter explaining my life, and why I finally killed myself.

She just said that I love myself just a little more than I hate myself, and that's a good thing.

As we talked, I touched on my brother again. I told her that I will tell him when he comes home, for better or worse. I can NOT go back. I am willing to accept understanding, or denial from him. One way or the other, I am going to live the rest of my life.... FREE.

Nice and thanks for sharing.

About your brother again, he sounds like he got BIG personal issues !!!

 

[Elwood]

Wow what fantastic news!! Congratulations and good luck with your brother!! I am sooo happy for you!!!

 

[Lucas07]

Congratulations! I'm so glad it turned out AMAZING for you. I admire you for having the courage! so brave- wish i find that some time soon.

I am so happy for you. Your mom is clearly an amazing woman Time to start living!

 

[Audio Tech]

Well, it's DONE! We had the talk, and despite my morbid fears, my world did not end. My brother told me that it did come out of left field, but he is not the gay bashing, hating person I think he is. We talked a lot, and agreed on no more secrets. In the end he gave me a huge hug and a kiss.

I am completely drained, my head and stomach aches. I ran a marathon and am exhausted. It was now or never, all or nothing. I am still alive.

I learned that my self-imposed prison was just that. And how powerful that prison is.

Tomorrow is a brand new day for me. I look forward to it now. I still am in shock, in a daze, that I actually DID this.

I want to offer a profound thank you to everyone who has shared their blogs and stories for me to read. It has allowed me in just a few days make the most important decision of my life, and that was to go on living....

So I'll get a membership here and stick around. After what "I" have been through, I hope to be able to help others.

I truly know and understand your pain.

Marc

 

[kevinsexh8]

Well, I found this forum and have done a lot of reading, so after lurking for a while I thought I'd tello my story in the hopes it may help me in some way.

I basically grew up in a family where religion is important and Gay and Lesbian people should be burned at the stake.

I think I have always been more attracted to boys when I was young. In school I had only male friends since I was just not interested in Girls at all. Needless to say, I didn't go to the prom. It was very difficult going through High School, because I didn't fit in with the norm, and I was deeply ashamed of my feelings that I couldn't ever admit to anyone. I kept to myself mostly, and even though I had friends, I was in pain inside.

Life got better once I was out of school, since I escaped the daily torture of being around guys I could never touch.

I went on to have a job that I really liked and I thought that I had managed to suppress my inner feelings well enough to live a normal life. I went out with the guys and girls, went dancing, even to strip clubs and had a good time. Hell, I even dated a few Girls and was actually quite attracted to one in particular. The irony here is that I do get hot over a great female body, but I know I could never have sex with one. At least if I did, I would just be going through the motions without feeling much of anything. It's very odd, and this has confused me all my life. Let me say that I really like a nice Ass, and get totally turned on by male and female alike, but deep down I only want to experience sex with men. It took me a long time to come to grips with this. All my life I have been taught that what I am is an abomination, and I will burn in hell.

Obviously I keep my inner life a secret to my family and friends to this day. But let me continue....

While working, I developed a good friendship with a jounger guy (I was now 25, he was 20) and we started going surfing together. I had a great time with him, even though he is straight and has a girlfriend (now married). It was hard to keep my feelings inside, as all I wanted to do is love and be loved by him, or someone like him.

I eventually quit my job and we drifted apart since he got married. Seems no one goes surfing once they get married.....

Anyway, I live in pain every day. The internet has given me a glimpse into the Gay life I only wished I had. I see happy young guys getting plowed by equally happy (and attractive) young guys only to remind myself that I have lost my best years of my youth because of my situation.

My plan was to move out and start my own life, away from my family.... far enough away where I could finally be myself. This did not happen.

My Dad decided to leave my Mother one day. She had no way to keep our house by herself, and was already basically going to die homeless on the street. I do NOT kid.

Now, I have a brother who also still lived with us, he's 11 years younger than myself. When all this went down we had a long talk about mom and the house. He desperately wanted to keep the house and I warned him that it would be great sacrifice for us both. Neither of us had a job at that particular moment. We decided (after my mom wanted to slit her wrists in the bathtub) that we would fight to keep the house and take care of her. She is now on social security and get's enough to eat dogfood but not live. I love my Mom and just could not see her on the street. She had nowhere to go, my brother was young, and I had a way out. I didn't take it.

But I did "the right thing" and we both got jobs (my second, his first) and clawed our way back from foreclosure. At the time, I didn't feel much of anything, and I accepted the fact that my life would be compromised for the greater good.
My brother goes out and is "Normal", so all is good.... for him.

11 more years have passed and we are doing actually quite well. I am self employed, so have weathered the economy pretty well. My brother recently lost his job as the company he worked for ended up in chapter 7. Fortunately for us, we have good reserves and he gets the max in umemployment, so we will be fine for at least a year like this.

Alas, I am now 45 years old and it has again hit me like a ton of bricks. My mom MIGHT accept me as who I really am, but my brother is so hateful that I just cannot believe how intolerant he can be. It is frightening.

I cry over my lost youth, and the cowardness that was drilled into my very being regards who I am. I alway justified my actions in the past because even when I was 11, I knew I didn't ever want children, and this never changed. When I COULD have fooled around in the 80's, I feared catching diseases or even AIDS. This fear was so powerful that it kept me in check, so to speak.

These days I play around with toys when I have a moment of privacy. I fantasize of a lover holding me and gently sliding his tool inside me. And I dream of doing the same to him. I dream of being truly LOVED.
Oh if only......

But I am trapped. I am at a point in my life where I have too much to loose, and cannot start all over. I cannot admit to anyone what my real feelings are, because it WOULD destroy my life.
I don't care that much about my friends, but my family..... that's another thing.

I feel trapped, I am invested in something I can no longer walk away from. I am forced to live my life in secret, if only I could ever meet someone. You see the other problem in my screwed up life trying to do the right thing is that now I feel old, and no longer desirable to anyone else. I am an average guy, never had a "great body" even when I was young. Some may dis-agree, but I always felt inadequate.

The biggest problem is that I do not like guys my own age. I am very young inside, and lets face it, like younger guys as a result.

I live a sad and painful existence. I used to think that I had it beat, that I was pretty content with life in general. But I find that the need for companionship really never goes away. I have even thought of suicide, which would probably suit my brother just fine if he found out my dirty secret.

Reading stories of guys in their late teens coming out isn't helping, since it just reminds me how I managed to ruin my life. I wish I had had the balls to be myself, even if it meant being homeless as a result. At least I may have found someone to truly be HAPPY with.

But I didn't, and now must live with the pain and regret to this day.

I need help, or just some kind words. I still get a hard-on when I see certain girls, even though I'd never fuck them. I still can't understand this. I know I like guys, and would love to try every conceivable way and position. But alas.

So what now? I am not getting any younger and I at the very least want to experience real intimacy in my life even though I can not have a relationship in the open.

I have made my mistakes in my life and paying the price. Maybe someone will read this and learn a valuable lesson. I would give EVERYTHING to be 18 again and change my life.

I am surrounded by loved ones, and bitterly lonely.

Thanks for listening.

wow, I'm 20 and I feel that i don't have enjoy my life, and i don't wanna find love, but u story change my mind

that's mean that i should, have and need be honest with myself and my family and tell them the truth. i wish this was easy, life is so hard

 

[Audio Tech]

wow, I'm 20 and I feel that i don't have enjoy my life, and i don't wanna find love, but u story change my mind

that's mean that i should, have and need be honest with myself and my family and tell them the truth. i wish this was easy, life is so hard

Well, it wasn't easy, but it was worth it. My world is still turning, we still love each other, and I am finally honest with myself. ALL of the drama was created by my own fears. It turns out there was no need for it at all. But of course, on a subject like this, you just don't know. I honestly feared that we would not be able to live with one another again.

Yeah, Life IS hard. But at 20, you shouldn't be forced to add to your own misery.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Marc

 

[ibill1]

Marc, I am so happy for you and things worked out with Mom and brother. I read the whole thread and seeing your courage get stronger and stronger as the days passed was truly amazing. I wish you luck on your new freedom.

 

[Audio Tech]

Well, it's a new day. I slept pretty well, actually. Somehow, I seem to be at peace.

It all seems like a dream, still. The only regret I have after ALL this, is that I didn't have the balls to do this MUCH sooner.

Would my life have turned out very different? Maybe not, as work and material things go. Would I have been much happier? Yeah, I really think so.

But what's done is done. Moving on.....

The easy part for me now is that I don't have anyone else to come out to. But if anyone asks me, I will answer honestly, and feel good about it.

Oh, damn.... what a day yesterday was.

To anyone reading this whole post:

Life IS hard. Yes, society is screwed up and imposes ideas and morals on us from the moment we are born. This can lead to a seriously screwed up and lonely life for many of us.

But in the end..... society does not love you. It would go on just fine without you. If you cannot learn to accept yourself for who you are, you will lead a secluded and miserable life. No one deserves this.

Social Angst has to be the worst prison you can make for yourself. I can understand being in the closet in school, kids can be cruel. But if you are on your own 2 feet... WHO GIVES A FUCK! You have no one to please but yourself.

Don't be like me. Don't waste the best years of your youth cowering in your own fears!

Muster up the balls to be yourself and just get on with life.

It isn't very long....

Remember this: You are NOT alone.

 

[Deandbn]

All the best to you Marc. I have been reading your messages from the beginning and i think it is so good that you are now out. Lovely Stuff!! Now you will go from strength to strength!

 

[Elwood]

I am so happy for you!! I know you mentioned it in your last post, but just remember the past is the past. You have overcome a great hurdle and it is now time to take care of yourself and be happy. A great adventure lies ahead for you, and it is up to you to make the best of it!

On a funny note I was like a kid in a candy store the first few years after coming out at 38, you are in for a hell of a ride so enjoy it and be careful out there!!

And once again congratulations!!!!

 

[Audio Tech]

Thank you so much for all the kind words and support.

Before finding all of you on JUB, my next step would have been a long suicide letter detailing my life and pain, and what led me to finally kill myself.



I still cannot believe how quickly this forum has helped me break these bonds, and heal my soul. I am still digesting it all.

But thank you all. Thank you all soooo much!

 

[Telstra]

Well, it's a new day. I slept pretty well, actually. Somehow, I seem to be at peace.

It all seems like a dream, still. The only regret I have after ALL this, is that I didn't have the balls to do this MUCH sooner.

Would my life have turned out very different? Maybe not, as work and material things go. Would I have been much happier? Yeah, I really think so.

But what's done is done. Moving on.....

The easy part for me now is that I don't have anyone else to come out to. But if anyone asks me, I will answer honestly, and feel good about it.

Oh, damn.... what a day yesterday was.

To anyone reading this whole post:

Life IS hard. Yes, society is screwed up and imposes ideas and morals on us from the moment we are born. This can lead to a seriously screwed up and lonely life for many of us.

But in the end..... society does not love you. It would go on just fine without you. If you cannot learn to accept yourself for who you are, you will lead a secluded and miserable life. No one deserves this.

Social Angst has to be the worst prison you can make for yourself. I can understand being in the closet in school, kids can be cruel. But if you are on your own 2 feet... WHO GIVES A FUCK! You have no one to please but yourself.

Don't be like me. Don't waste the best years of your youth cowering in your own fears!

Muster up the balls to be yourself and just get on with life.

It isn't very long....

Remember this: You are NOT alone.

You are so smart. This thread is good for other people to read.

 

[Kyanimal]

WOW!! I just got back from Chicago a few hours ago. (Kev is still there, spending the weekend, but I have to work tomorrow.)

I thought I'd just had a Spectacular Thanksgiving (which I certainly DID) with a "small portion" of Kev's big family! (Well, they've been my family, too, for many, many, years.) And then I got caught up with this thread ...

AWESOME!!!! I am SO HAPPY for You, Marc!!! You just made this day even Better!!

Your Mom is truly amazing! Your Brother quite surprising!! But, I am most impressed with YOU!! That definitely took some Big Balls, Buddy! I am THRILLED that it all turned out so well!!

I have NO doubts that your story has, and your continuing participation with JUB will be, a tremendous Help, and source of Encouragement, to many others who have found themselves in similar situations!

THANK YOU! for sharing!!

Of course, no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Audio Tech]

Wow! I just re-read my own thread. Talk about Fast and Furious! WHAT a ride!

Feeling GREAT today! Made the first step to my new life by shaving my beard off, as it makes me look like a bum. I'll be taking MUCH better care of myself from this point on. After all, I have something to look forward to now.

Thanks again for the support and the people willing to just talk with me through PM's. It's VERY helpful to me as I am a newborn and have to get used to my new self. I'm sure the blush will fade soon enough, but I hope to have made a few friends here along the way.

Please, anyone reading this thread.... if you need a kindred spirit to talk to, please PM me. I'll be happy to listen.

HOLY CRAP! WHAT A WEEK!!

Marc

 

[G-Lexington]

Donatello: What happens now?
Master Splinter: Nothing, my son. Only the rest of our lives.

Go kick ass.

Lex

 

[Audio Tech]

Donatello: What happens now?
Master Splinter: Nothing, my son. Only the rest of our lives.

Go kick ass.

Lex

Perfect!

 

[MindBlast]

Also, don't sweat it about your age. Go meet some men!

Only one word of warning, don't let a guy take advantage of you, especially since you're inexperienced. If you're going to have sex with someone, it has to be on your terms as well as his.

 

[Audio Tech]

Also, don't sweat it about your age. Go meet some men!

Only one word of warning, don't let a guy take advantage of you, especially since you're inexperienced. If you're going to have sex with someone, it has to be on your terms as well as his.

Oh, trust me.... my extreme fear of STD's (or STI's) will make sure of that. I look forward to meeting people, but in no hurry to get plugged.

 

[aijalon18]

This turned out great but the only thing that seems a bit disconcerting is this whole "I don't like guys my age" and "I still feel young" business. You dont necessarily have to date guys your age exclusively. But it sounds like you're ruling them out completely and that doesnt sound smart or healthy. I hope you realize there are plenty of other guys who share a similar experience and could really relate to you and could therefore form a deep bond with you than a 19 or 20 year old could.

 

[Audio Tech]

This turned out great but the only thing that seems a bit disconcerting is this whole "I don't like guys my age" and "I still feel young" business. You dont necessarily have to date guys your age exclusively. But it sounds like you're ruling them out completely and that doesnt sound smart or healthy. I hope you realize there are plenty of other guys who share a similar experience and could really relate to you and could therefore form a deep bond with you than a 19 or 20 year old could.

Well, let's not go THAT far. What I mean is that (besides being nice to look at) younger guys haven't slowed down like most guys at 45. I simply don't want to be bored. While I can't honestly say I wouldn't LIKE a fling with a 20 year old, I'm thinking more along the 30's, or.... someone as "young" as I am. Maybe I'm stereotyping, but ALL my friends my own age are "OLD". They'd rather sit on their ass on the sofa watching sports than go out to the beach, mountains, etc, etc.

Hell, when I was 35, my friend was 24. We'd go bodysurfing, to clubs, etc. And I could outlast him even then! I really had a lot of energy. Never quite lost that... sooo... Even had a few girlfriends, emphasis on friend.... And I could dance them into the ground. "Please, can we stop now? I'm about to pass out!" LOL! Oh, good times, other than the reality I could never "BE" with someone. I was such a coward....

Well, you get the idea. But I'm open minded.

Cheers, all!