My Story

[Dream34786]

Hey all, I'm new here. Wanted to post whats happening to me because I really need to talk about it. I know I know I am not the only one who has felt this way before.


I have not come out to any member of my family that I am gay. They are all very conservative and not accepting of it. I hear how they talk and what they say about it. Thats why I have kept it a secret inside of me. A month ago I finally moved out of my parents house and into an appartment with a friend. It's a guy friend. My mom was flipping out about this before I even moved out but I assured her everything was ok.

So long story short. Today my Mom said to me I know your gay whether you admit it to me or not. You would rather be with him then your family anymore. She said I ripped apart 25% of the family and I will never be welcome back on good terms or bad terms. She doesn't want to hear from me or see me again. When I moved out I had to leave a few things behind and she told me she is boxing them up and taking it to Goodwill. When I talked to her tonight. When I talked to her tonight she hurt me so bad and made me feel so sad and not normal it really hurt bad. I could barely drive back home I was crying so hard.

I'm so hurt. I feel I am loosing my family and I really don't have any friends. I have lived a sheltered life and that's one of the reasons why I have no friends. You would probably consider me on the dorky side of things. My roommate is my only friend I have. If he ever moves out or moves on to somewhere else I don't know what I will ever do. If he is gone I will truly have no one.

I am so depressed and feel I have nothing left to give anymore. I am sitting here crying my eyes out. I don't know what to do. I just needed to type this out to tell someone.

Thanks for letting me get this out of me. I can't keep it bottled up anymore.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Welcome to jub. There are a lot of good guys here from all over the planet.

What your mom said wasn't fair, but homophobia is not fair. But it is a reflection about the other person, not about you.

I haven't come out yet. So I cannot give real advice. But I wanted to get a response out there for you.

I do believe we are born gay, straight, or whatever. And I believe conservatism seems to want to ignore that fact.

Please watch for signs of deepening depression and call for help if you need it.

 

[NCDogGuy]

A bit more. You sound college aged. Are you in school? If so, your school may have a lgbt group that can help you make contact with other gay guys so you can get a support network built up.

I hear that what your mom said hurt you and made you feel not normal. Try to not believe that. It isn't true.

Be sure to get out, get some exercise, and do things to help avoid depression.

(as a parent, with a teenaged son, your moms reaction really pisses me off! I hope she can start to think about you instead of just herself.)

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum. I just want to hold you like you were my son or grandson and just let you cry. This is so cruel and irrational of your mom. All phobias have the irrational subtext. You are exactly like you are supposed to be and now you have a job ahead of you.

Here are some suggestions:

Private message me or others here with whom you feel comfortable.

Monitor your depression and take action if it deepens.

If religion has been a part of your life find a gay affirming congregation and contact the clergyperson for an appointment.

Find a gay social group to join even if you feel awkward.

Seek out other family members who might be a bit more open, like aunts, uncles, cousins.

Contact PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) and explain your situation.

Have your good cry. You need it and then keep moving forward taking a reasonable risk every day until you build up your social confidence. I don't want you to get bitter and resentful because that will eat away your positive qualities and take energy away from the task at hand. Others have been in your shoes and it is possible to build a stronger more reliable family around you.

I'm sorry you have this task, but it is possible to come out the other side stronger, healthier and happier. You've got your roommate and us for now. You'll be ok. Please believe than. Love and support is on it's way towards you now. Dream good dreams tonight.

 

[josher]

What your mother did was very cruel, but it's possible that over time she may come to accept you for yourself. Don't give up on her just yet.

Do contact PFLAG and see about getting some literature from them to give or send her. They have excellent resources that deal with your situation.

Find some gay social groups in your area and visit them. Making some new friends could be a real help.

At some point you should see a gay friendly therapist or counselor. What you have gone through is very traumatic, and you need to discuss it with someone to sort out your feelings.

Is there a gay friendly church community near you? The MCC is one, if there's a congregation near you.

Do not underetake counselingwith anyone unless you are certain that they're gay friendly.

Keep reaching out to your mother, even if it doesn't seem to be working. Many members of JUB have been through what you've experienced and many have reached some lever of understanding with loved ones who reacted very negatively at first.

Do not use drugs or alchohol to deaden the pain. They will make you more depressed.

Believe in yourself as a good person, who deserves to be respected just as you are.

Let us know what going on with you. My best wishes to you.

 

[HunterM]

Welcome to JUB!

Your mom already knew you are gay. It is no longer a secret. It is no longer a burden. You're free to live and be who you are. You're independent. One door closes; another one opens.

You said you lived a sheltered life. Now is your opportunity to be on your own two feet...to make new friends that will accept you for you. Don't isolate yourself. Go out there and make new friends. Friends can become your family as well. Find your own happiness...and your family will eventually come around in the future.

Like others have stated, join your local gay & lesbian organization for support. It's a great place to make friends...to find out how they dealt with their own situations.

Cheer up! Don't let what your mom said defeat you. You did not commit a crime. Don't look back too much. Keep marching forward with new goals. You can make a better life on your own

 

[Deandbn]

You souldnt be doing the crying my boy, your mother should, for being so mean and spiteful. Tell her to grow up and get over it before you get over her.
Dont let her give you the conservative bullshit guilt trip either. Tell her that if she wants to live in the dark ages, thats her problem.
Tell her that when she is ready you will accept her apologies although you really shouldnt, but because she is your mother you will make an exception.
Yeah really, dont let her give you the guilt bullshit, your quite normal, she is the one being irrational.

edit: Oh and dont even begin to feel alone, we are all here for you. Be happy you shed the shackles, go forward, build your life and be happy at the big milestone you have achieved getting out the closet.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Dream34786,

Welcome to JUB and feel free to post over here anything you would like to deal with people over here. JUB is an excellent site to to discuss what has happened to you.

Towards my humble opinion, your mother has shown a very, very mean behaviour towards you. So she knew (was suspecting?) that you were gay, but she does not want to accept this. I am 55, so I might be of around her age?

I tend to conclude that your mother has the idea that she has failed to give you a proper education, because you like males (in stead of females), so you will not marry with a girl (and likely not provide her with grandchildern).

I tend to think that the task of your mother is finished. You are now living by yourself, and it seems that you are not anymore depending on her / your family. So their education is finished, and you are a full-grown male who is free to do what he likes.

I would not spend too much time debating with your mother (and with other relatives). They don't want to talk with you anymore, and they don't want to see you anymore. That's tough for you, but its 100% their decision. Just let them live like they live, likely in misery.

I would like to give you the advise others also have given to you. Built up a new life, with new friends who accept you who you are. So a guy who happens te like males in stead of females. So don't look backwards too much.

I have no idea about your background (age, country where you are living, are you having a job etc), and you also don't need to provide us with this kind of details if you feel uncomfortable about it. Do you currently live far away from your mother / family? Are you currently living in a -more or less- big city?

You told us:

I have lived a sheltered life and that's one of the reasons why I have no friends.

I tend to think that this is very normal, given your situation. You were living in the closet, and you tried to avoid that anyone might be aware of the real 'Dream34786'.

I have good news for you, but only if you open yourself. The real 'Dream34786' is a gay guy, and does not bother if people around him are aware that he is gay or not. The real 'Dream34786' is a nice guy with friends (straight, gay and anything in between) who don't bother if people are gay. So the real 'Dream34786' does not need to be afraid anymore that people will find out that he is gay, and the real 'Dream34786' does not has 'homophobes / bigots' as friends.

So how about your roommate? Any idea if he is comfortable that you are gay? I tend to advise you to tell him about your current situation (= chased away by your mother). When you tell him this (as a reason for your depressed feelings and so on), he will ask for reasons. And then you can tell him that's because you are gay.

Is this your house / appartment? So you are the one who can choose a roommate?

How about your job (or so)?

Take your time, try to cool down, be realistic, and don't expect too quick that your mother will change her ideas. For sure, there are loads of other people you can become friends with over there.

I underline all the advise, given by others over here. But be open and stay open, and don't let you thrown again in the closet.

Good luck and take care.

 

[fivewordsorless]

Everything you mom said to you is wrong, and I hope that you recognize that. I feel like you seem to know that there's nothing wrong with being gay, which is a great start. She's saying cruel things like this to you because she thinks it will make you do what she wants. You have to be strong and realize that what you're doing is right, and all she's doing is trying to keep you from being yourself and making your own life. I think once you do, you'll be able to see what she's doing as emotional blackmail and be able to offer HER the ultimatum to grow up or move on.

And as other's have mentioned, you are definitely not alone.

 

[Rolyo85]

You are normal. You were born the way you are, and regardless of what the bigots may say, being gay is a beautiful thing. Your mother is the one who isn't normal. A loving parent can NEVER say what she said. That makes her abnormal in my eyes.

You aren't the one splitting the family. She is. Through her own bigotry and the fact she loves some imagined institution of "family" more than her own child. I have an uncensored version of this, which includes the words "sanctimonious" and "cunt" in close proximity, but you likely don't wanna read it.

You will find friends. Find activities, clubs, people with similar interests. Hell, go on Grindr if you want (although that's kinda bad for the ego lol). Don't be desperate and clingy and you will soon find people you like and who like you back. Don't limit yourself to other gay guys. It's true that we can understand much better what you're going through, but I have a LOT of straight friends, and I've found that the acceptance straight people show you, and the inclusion in their company goes a long way towards making you feel normal, when you have difficulty with that.


But my first and foremost advice, as always, is this - come out. Come out to the world, and let anyone who has a problem with it try and cast a stone at you. As long as you're not ashamed of it, as long as you're not hiding it, as long as you're PROUD, that is your strongest weapon, and it can NEVER be used to hurt you.

 

[NCDogGuy]

How you doing Dream34786?

I just can't understand why parents are capable of doing what yours are doing to you.

Keep us posted. I know from when I was in a very difficult period that putting updates on here and getting feedback and support can really make a person feel not alone.

Hang in there. We are all thinking about you.

 

[Dream34786]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all of the wonderful messages. It was a tough night last night to get through but I am feeling the love and caring from your messages and it feels so good. So thanks again for that.

Got a call from my Mom this morning so I was hoping that maybe she wanted to talk about things again or maybe say sorry etc. Well turns out she wanted me to come over to the house at 2:00 to have a talk. So I did. Turns out she had a priest come over to talk to me about things. This was such a long hour. Hearing how un natural I am and how it is my choice and I choose what I wanted and I can choose to go back. At the end they did a blessing for me to cure me of my sins and sinful thoughts and get rid of the bad in me.

In the end after I got home and sat down to think about things. I feel much stronger now. I am happy for who I am and proud of who I am. If my family does not want to accept me anymore then than sadly the way it is going to have to go. Hopefully someday down the road it will change but I know I am not changing.

 

[yhtang]

I feel much stronger now. I am happy for who I am and proud of who I am. If my family does not want to accept me anymore then than sadly the way it is going to have to go. Hopefully someday down the road it will change but I know I am not changing.

It would appear things had worked out better for you in ways you did not see initially.

When you first posted, you sounded like a wreck - that is natural because of the shock and horror of the situation.

Now, I read that you feel much stronger and that you are both proud and happy with the way you are. I am very happy for you; it appears you have tapped into a previously unknown source of strength in yourself. No doubt this experience will carry you very far in the future.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Dream34786,

Thanks for the update and good to read that you feel right now much stronger. Ofcourse, its horrible what your mother has done to you, but this is not the end of your life.

She has choosen to ban you from your life, and that is her resposibility. I tend to think that you have done well to go to the appointment with your mother and the priest.

The priest has done his 'job', but he failed. You are gay, and this can not be changed. However, you have fulfitted the wish of your mother (come at my house and talk with the priest). Well, you were a brave guy and you have done it. 'No priest, you cannot change my sexual orientation, and there is no cure.' So you are still gay, and your mother has to accept it.

You are totally right. You went home and have thought about it, and I think you have drawn the right conclusion. You (=Dream34786) are gay, and your sexual orientation cannot be changed. You are proud on yourself, and that's how is must be.

Let them (=your family and this priest) think about their issues. They have problems with you, and they think you are a sinner and you will end in Hell. Well, that's not your problem.

Just take your time and let them think about it. You have accepted to have such a talk with this bigotted priest, and that's enough. So no need to engage yourself in futher talking with such people (or go to a conselor to cure yourself).

Best wishes, and I hope you will have a nice weekend.

Take care.