My straight "friend" has a girlfriend - should I move on?

[alli-berri]

We are roommates, and going to graduate college in a few months. We've discussed getting an apartment together, but I'm not sure if this is such a good idea anymore... Advice?

Him and I have never fooled around, but I - without realizing - developed really strong feelings for the guy... Which is whatever. I never expected a romance - he's straight for cripe's sake. As long as we could still maintain what made our friendship special, I woulda been happy. No fooling around necessary.

Well, now that he's got a girlfriend, he couldn't give two shits about our friendship anymore! Is it just me, or is that shitty?? It's unbelievable how much it hurts when he looks right past me, day after day, to share with HER the relationship WE established with one another. If I were to disappear he wouldn't think twice about it, I'm sure. And why would he? Only I recognized that our relationship had emotional depth. The thought "I love him" had crossed my mind a few times in the past, but I didn't think it was THIS serious.

We've done a lot of bonding over the years, and he knows it, but has literally transplanted our relationship onto this other girl, and taken it further (obviously). And right in front of me! What the fuck??? I know I shouldn't blame him for that.... Ugh, it's like I was a trial run to get his personality developed. He wouldn't've even scored her if I hadn't shown him how to be fucking awesome.

Can't even feel comfortable being around her at times, either, since my personality is such a close reflection of his (or I should say his is of mine). In reality we've influenced each other - of course - but I've definitely taught him more than he has me. Biting the hand that feeds, much??

Never expected his finding somebody would hurt me so much. I'm starting to think he's not even platonically worthwhile.

At this point in the post, I'd like to say that I think I have a problem with getting too attached to straight friends. I'm wondering if pursuing straight friendships is a wise option anymore.

But really now, shouldn't I be glad to have a potential roommate who's responsible, cleans, and pays rent?

Too bad the woman is going to be over ALL THE TIME. It feels like my throat melts into my chest every time I hear them laugh, or see them together. What the fuck??? I don't know why I'm being such a pussy about it. I thought I was a lot tougher than this.

Maybe my issues are deeper than "getting too close to straight guys". Why would living with a gay guy be any different? Maybe I'm just a jealous asshole. Or, maybe I'm just another gay person who will always love those that cannot love him back (i.e. straight guys).

For the record, I want to say that she's great. I love talking to her and having female energy around. I just wish he would break her heart and get it over with. OK that was terrible, I'm sorry. I'm ashamed, but I do hope for their demise. Truly.

Thanks for reading this biased and mostly one-sided bitch fit. I feel....... marginally better. But back to my main question... to move in, or move ON?

Going to go make breakfast, and try not to act like I feel physical pain every second I'm around them.

 

[hairbway207]

i get where you're coming from. i feel like i have this problem too. im in college and i think im in love with one of my suitemates. its not just a physical attraction, although he is pretty hot. its his personality too. but is it wrong to have these feelings for this guy? cause i think he might be straight too like your friend. im not sure.

are you out? maybe try talking to him about where your friendship is headed with the introduction of this girl. will you still be as close as you were? i think that if you were as close as you say you are, he will definitely hear you out. dont think i would move on though, that would probably make you more upset that you lost a great friend. i know i would still want my friend in my life somehow if and when he stops caring about me.

hope this made sense!

 

[sixthson]

Going to go make breakfast, and try not to act like I feel physical pain every second I'm around them.

You have answered your own question with this last line.

Do you really expect it to get better if you move in together?

 

[anchihiro]

Yes you should move on.



And distance yourself from him and not live in together.

It's not mentally healthy and it would be good for you to look for someone sexually into you.

 

[Audio Tech]

Having been in this situation myself, DON'T do it. Nothing but pain and heartache usually comes from this. Once they find a girl (and are straight), that's it. YOU are done.

I fell in love with my best friend in the 80's. We were VERY close, almost to the point of getting physical but never crossing that line. In the end he married his girlfriend and our friendship all but completely stopped. She simply took over his life and he let her. It has taken me years to get over the pain, but it was a learning experience. I KNEW he was straight all along, yet fell for him. Never, ever, again. He's not the one getting hurt. YOU are. And god forbid you share a place together. DON'T do it.

 

[alli-berri]

anchihiro - Yeah... My mental health started getting effected by it a loooong time ago, I think

sixthson - I've been feeling obligated to expect it to get better, to be honest... I feel bad that I have to bail on our plans to move in together, I feel frustrated that I'll need to find someone else (WHO??) to live with and get used to again - I feel like I'm breaking an engagement, for fuck's sake... Whoa.

I need to find a new roommate, and not slack off on the search... Maybe then I won't wake up depressed every day, fearful that I'm STUCK with him because I can't find anybody else.... When you're stuck and not suicidal, you tend to find some pretty weird optimism.

hairbway207 - Did I come out to him? Well... sorta. I go: "I'm thinking I might be... like, gay.... so............."

That was 1 year ago. He frown-smiled and nodded. Maybe he's been distancing himself since then? Unfortunately, he's not the easiest person to talk to (and neither am I, which so nicely worked out... *sigh.....*). Bringing up "our relationship" would probably make him very very uncomfortable... Interestingly, when I talk to him about her, he says that he's afraid to commit to a relationship; says something about the label not feeling right. They're basically together, and he doesn't fool with anyone else, he just won't commit (typical). But let's be honest: she's got him.

One time we were vaguely discussing sexuality, and I mentioned that I wanted to "try" both sexes. He goes, "Yeah, no ahh.............. I mean............ I could see myself ..... checkin' that out, or.... Someday, I'unno. *shrug, shrug, shrug*" ..... it was cute. That was the only time we talked about sexuality. It really is a pathetically minute moment to hang onto, isn't it? Sigh.

Audio Tech (and hairbway) - Thanks for sharing your similar experiences - it's amazing to know I'm not alone here ... I'm sorry it had to happen to you guys too, though.

 

[Audio Tech]

Audio Tech (and hairbway) - Thanks for sharing your similar experiences - it's amazing to know I'm not alone here ... I'm sorry it had to happen to you guys too, though.

This scenario seems to be discussed once a week here on JUB. I have yet to read that it ended on a happy note.
You are not alone. Sometimes the heart really sucks in what it wants versus what it can have.

As for me, I have (finally) moved on and am happily dating. The world is good. And so will you.

 

[tipmyscales86]

For your sake, if you are feeling this way, then yes, you should distance yourself and not make any plans to move in together.

For his sake, he's straight. You aren't going to get much more from a straight guy than friendship, and allowing yourself to fantasize about having anything more than that will only leave you vulnerable to getting hurt.

You'll need to tone down your feelings for him, and take a more realistic approach if you want to salvage anything from this friendship. Feelings of jealousy will only destroy it, being supportive and happy for him can save it.

 

[Nomenclature]

You don't think you deserve to love someone who can actually love you in return?

Duh!

 

[alli-berri]

tipmyscales86 - how the hell does someone "tone down their feelings"???? Feelings aren't a choice, man. At least not for me. Call it a chemical imbalance if you will, but my emotions can only be repressed, not altered. And repression is exactly what I've been trying to avoid these last couple years. Obviously now that I know how gay I really am, and who I'm truly attracted to, I can try and be smarter about things in the future... but the reality is that I must live with him for the next few months. I hardly expect my feelings will be erased (EVER), especially when I consider how affected I still am by past straight-deserters. It's going to suck no matter what.

Nomenclature - I do think so, yes. But I NEVER made any conscious choice to fall for him, or any of the many straight guys I have. We were friends, and I've always thought we were friends, until I got my heart broken and wondered why.

You see, I've only just realized my strikingly consistent tendency to absolutely fall for these guys. What I've spent my life thinking was friendship was actually love - what I've thought was love was envy.

I've been a latent closet case for years, guys... still am in a lot of ways... I know I'll get over him eventually, but I'm not so optimistic about getting over the reality of who I've become as a result of my longstanding ignorance.

 

[HunterM]

In addition to distancing yourself from your straight friend, start dating other guys. Meet people in gay bars; join online dating. You need to keep meeting people. Keep a busy social life without him to be on a path of recovery. Good luck!

 

[KaraBulut]

This is a trainwreck in the making.

You shouldn't live with a straight guy if you have these kinds of feelings for him. Nothing good will come from it for either of you.

 

[alli-berri]

HunterM - Agree 100%... Lemme just get over my social anxiety and complete lack of self confidence :\ Then maybe I'll go out and meet people.

KaraBulut - Thanks for your input. I'd love to live with a gay guy or woman instead. Unfortunately, straight guys are the easiest friends for me to make.

He just came into my room and gave me some alcoholic whipped cream.. ... . ..... His smile is like a drug He just got off work from a liquor store. His work clothes look so amazing on him....

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[KaraBulut]

KaraBulut - Thanks for your input. I'd love to live with a gay guy or woman instead. Unfortunately, straight guys are the easiest friends for me to make.

Straight guys can make good friends. Straight guys can make good roommates. But any guy- gay or straight- that you have a crush on is someone that you probably shouldn't be roommates with.

There's nothing worse than being in closed spaces with a someone you have a crush on but can't have. Especially when they're walking around shirtless or wearing a towel or just wearing underwear... or less. And especially when you have to listen to them in bed with someone else in the next room.

Get an apartment with someone that is just a friend and that you're not going to be agonizing over.

 

[Seasoned]

You've got it bad and that ain't good. There are so many of us that would rather fantasize over what is at hand rather than risk what's outside our door. Keep in mind this is all a one-side affair.

I think you are really at a crossroads here and some of your decisions now may have a huge impact on the quality of your life.

Provided that excellent therapists are available I am a huge fan of therapy. I think you need more of a "living in the world life," rather than the mental world which now seems to have taken up too much of your time. I think it's important to break this pattern as soon as possible.

Don't use your social inadequacies as an excuse to stay stagnant. You and your roommate are not alone on an island and even if you were and had everything you wanted it would not be what he wanted.

Getting stuck where you are is the problem. Simply moving away from him won't solve the issue. Now is the time to work on you. Don't let fear immobilize you. Start some self help. Begin by taking small risks. Don't try to fix everything at once, but don't let a bunch if issues force you to retreat.

You deserve a rounded life and any future partner needs someone exploring their potential. Good luck, my young friend.

 

[texan_slant]

Seriously, you're only hurting yourself with all that resentment and anger, and it's surely not fair to your friend to direct it at him.

This is all not a reality from the get-go; this was a fantasy that you lived, and seemingly from your reaction, had some expectation over it.

It's also seems self-centered to think that your friend is who he is ONlY because of you, though I don't doubt one iota that you've made a great positive impact on one another's life. Actions speak louder than words, and clearly he loves you - as a friend - who else would give you an alcoholic whipped cream attack?

All I'm trying to say is that you gotta take a step back and put it all into perspective. You have a great friendship. He's straight. He's got a girlfriend, and he is 'who he is".

If your friendship is strong, then it can last a lifetime.

 

[Haunted187]

I'm actually going through a very similar situation and it consumes every single waking moment of my life, some nights I can't even sleep because it sits there eating me up inside, the worst bit is nobody would ever understand where I'm coming from.

Even when you try to forget it, distance yourself and try and convince yourself to think rationally, some days together are better than others and they just work, especially being good friends, it leads you to the delusional fantasy of thinking 'what if' and it sets you back where you came from, carrying on this naive mindset that there is more, when in reality there is nothing more than being friends.

Other days it can be like visiting hell, but you're the only one who can feel it. You know where I'm coming from, like the first time they tell you they are seeing 'this girl' or similar, you're supposed to be enthusiastic and glad for them being a friend and all, but in reality it's like a knife wound in the chest, every time I hear it, my head goes light, my stomach knots up and I feel like killing myself, especially when they talk so often about them.

Some days you be the nicest friend you can be, and sometimes reach far and beyond that, you'd probably do anything for them. Because they don't think about it in the same way as you do they can sometimes have other things on their mind, like girls and take you for granted, great way to feel worthless.

Being really good friends it's hard to break off these thoughts considering you see each other every day, and I have no idea when or why it first started happening, all I know is that it has been a very long time, I've had a lot of bad things in my life and I consider myself a strong person mentally and emotionally, but this is the worst thing anybody can go through, I feel your pain.

Sorry for the longwinded first post, I'm gonna' shake this, watch out world!

 

[rareboy]

Snap out of it.

Your crush is borderline neurotic.

Many of us have been where you are now.

Betrayed and tossed aside when our straight friend start sniffing after some pussy and (gasp) actually find a girlfriend.

Face it. He isn't a homo. You're not going to have him.

His expectations of your friendship are completely different than yours.

Grow up. Get new friends. Get more friends. Get more gay friends.

You can get over it. The first step is to come out of your closet.

And yes, I know what I'm talking about. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

 

[Ninja108]

LIke others have said, it's time to leave fantansy land aid come back down to Earth.
He's straight, and no amount of wishing is going to change that.
It sucks but the sooner you realize you aren't going to get him, the better you'll be.

 

[alli-berri]

First I want to say thank you for all the great responses.

Welcome to JUB, Haunted187! Thanks for sharing your similar story

I want to clarify to some posters that my original hope with this thread was to figure out what I should do post-grad - move in with this guy or not. I have no interest in "changing" him, nor am I secretly expectating that he might fall for me. The most I could hope for is a sloppy, drunken blow job neither one of us remember happening. Which, given the nature of my feelings, would probably be a bad idea anyhow.

My distress comes from knowing that I will have to continue living with this person out of shear familiarity alone - he does his chores, we get along, we know each other pretty well, we both agree we can get an apartment together - we agree on a lot of things, in fact - and I know no other people to move in with.

Do some of you guys actually think I can meet, trust, and befriend a new, potential roommate in the span of a few months?? My and this guy's relationship has been developing over FOUR YEARS! As many have said, that is something valuable and NOT worth discarding.

However, "toning down my feelings", I suppose, is a must. The girlfriend hasn't been around lately, and it's made getting back into the groove of friendship a lot easier.

I think the suggestion to meet new people and especially gay people is a good one, but NOT when it comes to replacing this guy as my roommate (at least not yet). I had a boyfriend last semester, and my tolerance of my roommate's relationship was MUCH better during that time, I'm realizing. I think if I meet a new boytoy or new friends, I won't feel like I'm being suffocated by the only other male relationship I have.

I'm afraid not living with him is just too suicidal an option - suicidal in the sense that I will be forced to leave NYC and return to the podunk Midwest-nowheresville I came from. No thank you!!!!!!!

As for fantasizing about him, it's a dangerous risk and I'd like to break the habit. But sometimes when I'm trying to get off (wanking), thinking of his dick is the only way to get me there . But I'm trying to phase that out.... *shrug*

(Thanks to you guys) I really believe that I can get over this, I just have to rewire the way I think about him. And get more gay friends, like rareboy put ever-so gently.

Again, thanks for all the replies ... I'm feeling better about it knowing others have been through the same, which is not something a sheltered and introverted computer dork like me gets to find out about every day.

And so the battle rages on .... ... ... ... ...