Need a good advice about my bf

[netgayone]

I will try to be brief. I am 42, my bf is 50. We live in Athens, Greece. We are together for 14 years. The problem started two years ago when we both tested positive for HIV. Apparently he had it for more than 10 years. He was at the start of AIDS. (health problems). I was negative till 2008 (my last test), even though we had unprotected sex for many many years. No, that didn't cause any problem in our relationship. We got through it, together.
We don't live together, he is busier than me due to work and because he is such a nice guy EVERYBODY depends on him to do chores etc. Even though we managed to meet 2-3 times per week, now we barely see each other once a week. The problem is that the last year he is not in the mood for sex. He can't keep his hard on and most of the times we just stop in the middle cause he can't continue. He swears he still wants me and I have no reason to not believe him. I know him. The real problem i need advice for, is not the sex really. I think he needs to care for his health more. I think more serious problems affect his sex life and from what I've searched, sex problems are a symptom for a few conditions. He is diligent with our medication but he refuses to check everything else. Because he is a chub and heavy smoker, there is a possibility he might have problem with his veins or i don't know what else. All in all, due to his age and life style he should check a few things. But he doesn't want to. He is scared to go to a doctor and say he is HIV+ and he is scared not to say it, cause he thinks he might transmit it. He doesn't want to ask our doctor about other doctors who are OK treating HIV+ patients. He knows that every doctor takes precautions with every patient. He knows all that.
I don't want to be the nagging bf. I don't want to stress him more, (every other relative he has, is doing a fine job) but I need to persuade him to care for his health. He is only 50 and if he continues this way, I don't think he will reach 60. Don't tell me he has to see a psychologist first. He refuses that too.
I need a clever way to help him.

 

[palbert]

There are many things to say and suggest. Unfortunately you have already tried them and they haven't worked.

Do you think that he would go along with you accompanying him to the doctor? That might be a way to show your concern but also make the visit less about him, although it would really be about his health.

I wonder if everyone's expressed concern is creating anxiety about getting bad news. Going with him might make it easier for him to accept the visit. You might let him know that if the news is "bad" you two can still deal with it, as you dealt with HIV+.

 

[netgayone]

There are many things to say and suggest. Unfortunately you have already tried them and they haven't worked.

Do you the that he would go along with you accompanying him to the doctor? That might be a way to show your concern but also make the visit less about him, although it would really be about his health.

I wonder if everyone's expressed concern is creating anxiety about getting bad news. Going with him might make it easier for him to accept the visit. You might let him know that if the news is "bad" you two can still deal with it, as you dealt with HIV+.

It's a good idea to go with him. I will suggest that. Thanx.

 

[Seasoned]

Besides going with him you might want to do the research as to who might be the best doctor to treat HIV patients. That makes sense for you as well due to your status. People use addictive behaviors in order to cope. He certainly seems to be dealing with a lot. I hope you're both able to find the best doctor available and that you're able to go with him to ensure he has a good work up and a complete physical. Best wishes to you both.

 

[palbert]

Bear in mind the erectile dysfunction could be something related to blood pressure. If he has high blood pressure/hypertension, the prospect of an exam and treatment should be nonthreatening. If already on meds, the dosage or drug may need to be adjusted.

http://www.webmd.com/hypertension-high-blood-pressure/guide/high-blood-pressure-erectile-dysfunction [High blood pressure and erectile dysfunction]

 

[netgayone]

Bear in mind the erectile dysfunction could be something related to blood pressure. If he has high blood pressure/hypertension, the prospect of an exam and treatment should be nonthreatening. If already on meds, the dosage or drug may need to be adjusted.

http://www.webmd.com/hypertension-high-blood-pressure/guide/high-blood-pressure-erectile-dysfunction [High blood pressure and erectile dysfunction]

he is on meds for blood pressure. People tell me that the new drugs don't cause erectile problems anymore. I don't know. But the erectile problem is not my main concern. To give you an example, our doctor told him it is time to take a prostate test. I told him he should make the appointment. He said he is not gonna do it.

My next step is to ask our local HIV organizations for a list of doctors that are OK treating HIV patients. I don't know if this is legal but unofficially they should know and hopefully they will help me. He found a dentist in a similar way, he is just shy asking our doctor for more info.

Thanx guys for the help you give me. Maybe some may think these answers are very obvious, but you know, sometimes our minds just block and we need a third opinion, even if it just to state the obvious.

 

[Georgiadude]

it sounds a lot like denial. if he doesn't think about his health issues then he doesn't have to deal with them. he's setting himself up for major problems. my aunt ignored the lump in her breast for over a year. now she has stage 4 breast cancer that is in her liver. she's had major surgery and is on the strongest chemo drugs they have. she's sick as hell and probably isn't going to survive. denial is very powerful but with persistence you can break through it. have a sit down with him. maybe involve another close friend or family member. tell him how much he means to you and that ignoring the issues are only going to make them worse in the long run. ask him to do it for you and the rest of his family - friends. tell him he's too important to you to lose and if anything were to happen to him you'd be lost without him. show him how much you care for him and that you can't sit and watch him do this to himself. ask him how he'd feel if you did the same thing. how would he fell if he lost you? it may not work right away but you'll get him thinking.

Steven

 

[KaraBulut]

Based upon what you've described, your boyfriend is doing everything that causes a decline in sexual function. Some things he can change (e.g. lowering his stress level, eating better, losing weight, stopping or at least cutting back on smoking, etc). Some things he cannot change (e.g. his age, his HIV status, the meds that he's taking). There are other potential issues- testosterone levels do decline with age but HIV disease can also affect testosterone production.

HIV is like diabetes- it's a complicated chronic disease that causes a lot of other health issues. It requires the services of someone who treats a lot of patients with HIV and understands how complex that treatment is.

There's a saying in the US: you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. It means that while you can do some things to get people to change, you can't make them change nor can you be sure that change will last. We can all suggest that you find an HIV specialist for your boyfriend, you can make the appointment, you can go with him but in the end, he's the one who needs to acknowledge that he's getting older, he has a serious disease and he needs to make some lifestyle changes if he wants to avoid more illness and more health complications.

 

[kallipolis]

I am assuming that the poster, posting from Athens, Greece is not aware that the National Health Service, Syngrou Hospital, Syngrou Avenue - just behind the Hilton Hotel - provides free health care for dermatalogical issues, sexually transmitted infections, and HIV positive people....I recommend that he pays a visit at 0800 hours Monday, to Friday to avoid undue delays....the hospital is just five minutes walk from Megaro Moussikis station:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megaro_Moussikis_metro_station

http://www.syggros-hosp.gr/?l=en




Telephoning 1535 will enable you to book an appointment should you fear turning up without an appointment.

 

[kallipolis]

I have just spoken with a colleague working at Syngrou Hospital who recommends telephoning the main switchboard at 210 7265100 for an immediate response, also noting it is Easter week next week when staffing levels are much lower therefore, it is recommended telephoning tomorrow early ...say 0800 hours for an appointment, or leaving the matter until after Easter.

All matters relating to clinical care are treated with the utmost confidentiality.

 

[netgayone]

I have just spoken with a colleague working at Syngrou Hospital who recommends telephoning the main switchboard at 210 7265100 for an immediate response, also noting it is Easter week next week when staffing levels are much lower therefore, it is recommended telephoning tomorrow early ...say 0800 hours for an appointment, or leaving the matter until after Easter.

All matters relating to clinical care are treated with the utmost confidentiality.

We attend another hospital, Attikon. We don't have any problem with HIV treatment. The problem is that he needs to see some other specialists for his veins, prostate etc and he had a weird experience with some doctors in the hospital, regarding another minor health issue. So now he is afraid to go through this again. I already contacted an HIV organization here, if they can help me finding other specialists who are OK examining and treating HIV patients that need medical attention for other health issues.

 

[netgayone]

it sounds a lot like denial. if he doesn't think about his health issues then he doesn't have to deal with them. he's setting himself up for major problems. my aunt ignored the lump in her breast for over a year. now she has stage 4 breast cancer that is in her liver. she's had major surgery and is on the strongest chemo drugs they have. she's sick as hell and probably isn't going to survive. denial is very powerful but with persistence you can break through it. have a sit down with him. maybe involve another close friend or family member. tell him how much he means to you and that ignoring the issues are only going to make them worse in the long run. ask him to do it for you and the rest of his family - friends. tell him he's too important to you to lose and if anything were to happen to him you'd be lost without him. show him how much you care for him and that you can't sit and watch him do this to himself. ask him how he'd feel if you did the same thing. how would he fell if he lost you? it may not work right away but you'll get him thinking.

Steven

Based upon what you've described, your boyfriend is doing everything that causes a decline in sexual function. Some things he can change (e.g. lowering his stress level, eating better, losing weight, stopping or at least cutting back on smoking, etc). Some things he cannot change (e.g. his age, his HIV status, the meds that he's taking). There are other potential issues- testosterone levels do decline with age but HIV disease can also affect testosterone production.

HIV is like diabetes- it's a complicated chronic disease that causes a lot of other health issues. It requires the services of someone who treats a lot of patients with HIV and understands how complex that treatment is.

There's a saying in the US: you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. It means that while you can do some things to get people to change, you can't make them change nor can you be sure that change will last. We can all suggest that you find an HIV specialist for your boyfriend, you can make the appointment, you can go with him but in the end, he's the one who needs to acknowledge that he's getting older, he has a serious disease and he needs to make some lifestyle changes if he wants to avoid more illness and more health complications.

It's denial and fear. I am ready for a really long talk this weekend. I hope he will at least think about what is he doing to himself.

 

[Georgiadude]

good for you. that's all you can do. you can't force him to go but you don't have to sit and watch him slowly kill himself either. I'm hoping for the best for both of you

Steven

 

[netgayone]

good for you. that's all you can do. you can't force him to go but you don't have to sit and watch him slowly kill himself either. I'm hoping for the best for both of you

Steven

Thanx!!!

Well, I did talk to him, I tried to be casual about it but also very clear. He did understand and it I think he will eventually do something about it. I think the "I really worry about you" part, did the trick. At least he knows he will get all the support he needs from me.

Thanx a lot all of you. You gave me a push to the right direction.