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Need a little help please

J

JGuzzo

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So this is my first time posting anything on this site but i have looked around for quite a while now. I decided to post because i am in need of some advice.

So i am 19 years old and have known i was gay since middle school, so ya a long time. But the thing is I never felt comfortable coming out. I have a feeling that my family might know about me being gay because we use to share a computer and i sometimes forgot to clear my internet history (ya oops #-o). And i have also been asked by coworkers, who are gay themselves, if i was gay and i tried to deny it but i think they still knew.

So because i have been uncomfortable with coming out, i have been pretending to be straight. I have had a couple of girlfriends in the past. And i actually have one right now. I feel terrible for trying to pretend i am in this relationship seriously, mainly because i have known her for so long and she is really into this relationship but also because i dont really feel anything sexual towards her and i know that i wont take things further really. What brought me to asking for advice is something that happened recently. She really likes to make out with me and for the most part im ok with it. But this one day, things were getting more serious. We were making out (and she has always been the more aggressive person) and she grabbed my hand and put it on her boob and had me start feeling her up. As i was doing this she was also rubbing me and i just wasnt getting hard. So she stopped and flat out asked me if i was sexually attracted to her, and i wasnt ready to come out so i lied and said ya.

Since that day, i have come to the conclusion that i feel ready to come out to her and everyone else. But the fact is i am super super nervous about how its going to turn out. i dont want to tell her because than i think we might lose our friendship and she is a great friend that i dont want to lose. i dont think my family will have a problem with anything because they are all open and would love me no matter what.

So i was wondering if anyone had any advice they could give me about my situation. Should i be feeling this guilty and bad? How should i handle things with her?
 
I would come out to a close friend or family member first and then once you've done that come out to your girlfriend. Don't expect that she'll want to be friends right away because she may not. She may never want to be friends with you or it may be no big deal, but you owe it to her to let her know so she can find a guy that's into her on all levels.

Good luck!
 
Welcome to the forum. What you have experienced in your 19 years is not uncommon. I think the guilt is creeping in because your realizing the full impact on your girlfriend should you kep going on like this. You can't control her reaction to the news. She may be pissed off or she may be relieved. Don't be surprised if she distances herself from you. My guess is that no matter how it, eventually you'll be friends again.

I'm wishing you well.
 
Welcome to JUB and congrats on your first post.

You're where a lot of gay men are at your age. They know they have an attraction to guys. They try to make it work with girls but it's like being a fish out of water.

You're going to have to end the relationship with your girlfriend. It's not fair to lead her on. You don't have to necessarily reveal that you think you're gay if it's not something you're not ready to reveal. But if you're going to move on with your life and start exploring your sexuality with other guys, it would not be right to do that while you're in a relationship with a woman.

But to get to the heart of the matter- what is your fear about coming out?
 
KaraBulut is right... You are not being fair to her - or yourself, for that matter. If you are as close to her as you describe, she'll understand. Yes, she may be angry at first that you led her on, she may feel hurt by the rejection, but don't allow her to walk out on the conversation until she understands WHY you were afraid to tell her (i.e., you didn't want to hurt her) and WHY you have decided to come clean (you finally understood it wasn't fair to her). Then give her a few days - if she needs them - to sort out her feelings and talk to her again.
 
While I don't know what advice to give you about the girlfriend, I can give some advice on this in general. I'm 21, bi, and a virgin. Also, I don't drink or do drugs (yes, this is relevant to the advice). This March I was planning on taking a road trip from Ohio to Kansas City to hang out with a friend I have known for 10 years now, but never actually met. (He just turned 21, straightest guy I know, really JUST a friend here people). I met him online through Diablo 2 back then, we have been playing online/ MMO games together ever since. He's more into the party scene, and he remembered that two years ago I promised him if I ever visited, that I would get drunk once, and possibly high, as a "What happens in Kansas City stays in Kansas City" type deal, which I was still OK with, but I had one concern... "What if my secret gets out while I'm drunk, that I'm bi... Will he and his friends beat me or just leave my ass behind somehwere?"... So I talked to him, told him I was concerned about drinking because there's a couple things I didn't want brought out into the open. Aftera bout 10 minutes, I told him. I thought "Hey, this will be easier not in person, atleast I wont get hit"... To my surprise, the only thing he was pissed about is the fact that I thought it would change our friendship in the least. Since then, he has asked me a few questions about the whole thing, and just been very, VERY, supportive. He calls me things like "The coolest homo" and stuff like that because he knows it wont offend me... But having told him was probably the most relieving experience of my life.... Which brings me down to my advice, find a friend, guy or girl, that you are very close with. Etiher sit them down or do it through txt/ phone/ internet something if it's easier, and let them know... If the person truly is a friend like mine was, you will find everything in your life so much more managable, just to know you don't have this giant secret completely on your shoulders alone. Good luck man.
 
Ugh. I came out when I was 16/17. It's seriously not as bad as you think it will be. You feel nervous, but then afterwards you're just like, oh, whatever, I'm gay. I just told people that I like guys and not girls. It's really not that big of a deal. People rarely react as strongly as you think they will. It's the most difficult the first couple of times, but then eventually it's like... you 'come out' to people all the time, without even realizing it. All you have to do is be with them (in person, I think) and just say "Okay, I have something to tell you. I'm gay." You will feel so much better after.
 
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