Need a social life...and a date!

[Link25]

I'm officially ready for a date. The problem? I'm 32 and I've never had a date, much less a friend. I feel like I'm too late or something - that i've missed out on so much social activity that it's just not going to happen for me anymore. I know, I know, 32 isn't old, but it also means i'm inexperienced. I can't even imagine a guy having any interest in me at this point.

So, what's a guy with no social life to do? I'm so nervous to put myself out there on dating websites but I guess that's the only thing to do? I work full time and don't have anyone to socialize with on weekends or week nights - I'd love to meet someone with something in common and to do stuff with. I'm starting to get somewhat depressed - it's never bothered me much before but it's bothering me now - more than ever.

 

[Seasoned]

We go through different stages in life, many based on age. You are perhaps thinking you better do something now if you're to have the possibility of a relationship while still mentally and physically young.

Dating sites are places to start although do some research to see which offer more of a possibility for relationships as opposed to hookups. You might also get involved with gay community centers or organizations if they exist anywhere nearby.

 

[Link25]

Thanks for responding. That's what I don't want - random hookups/one night stands - I know that's part of life but I am soooo not ready for that - I need to take it slow, with one person - and that's another reason why my age comes into play - how many people in their late 20's and early 30's want to go "slow". Also, i've never done anything sex wise with a female or male - so yeah, I feel like I missed a lot and too late - I am working on getting over it and being comfortable with myself though.

 

[tarallucci]

Better late than never I suppose. Don't worry because the search of the right person is a problem that many have, regardless of the social life, so don't expect to find him any time soon. As for the social life, don't you have hobbies? Maybe try to go out a bit on the weekends and spend some time with (old) friends or people you know, to work on the "social attitude".

Regarding a possible partner, it seems like all we have is the dating websites unfortunately. I'm sure you have seen they look more of a butcher shop than anything so be wary and try to contact those who have a decent profile at least. Make yourself clear as to what you're looking for, since I guess you don't want to upload a picture of you for the time being.
But I suggest to make friends in real life first, through activities you might enjoy and then work from there.

 

[Link25]

Better late than never I suppose. Don't worry because the search of the right person is a problem that many have, regardless of the social life, so don't expect to find him any time soon. As for the social life, don't you have hobbies? Maybe try to go out a bit on the weekends and spend some time with (old) friends or people you know, to work on the "social attitude".

Regarding a possible partner, it seems like all we have is the dating websites unfortunately. I'm sure you have seen they look more of a butcher shop than anything so be wary and try to contact those who have a decent profile at least. Make yourself clear as to what you're looking for, since I guess you don't want to upload a picture of you for the time being.
But I suggest to make friends in real life first, through activities you might enjoy and then work from there.

I have hobbies, in a sense that I enjoy going to concerts, movies, shopping, day trips - stuff like that. I spend lots of time with family, however, sometimes they have their own social life and then I have nothing to do - I don't blame them - I should have my own as well. I actually don't have any (old) friends. I never met anyone in high school that gave me the time of day and I basically was never accepted - then I moved on thinking it would get better but everyone I met while in career training (not college) never responded when I attempted to make plans outside of classes. Once training was over, I've been at two jobs where I don't fit in with the "guys" - I don't talk sports which makes it difficult for me - also, any of the girls my age pretty much ignore me. I've tried to be outgoing, but it hasn't worked.

I would love to meet friends before a relationship....what I wouldn't do for someone to call and spend a Saturday night with. I know that sound sad, but there's where I am at this point in my life.

I do thank you for commenting though and offering suggestions.

 

[HunterM]

Taking it step by step:

1. Make new friends. It will help you improve your social skills. As suggested from above, volunteer at your local gay community centers. You're there to help out and make new gay friends.
2. Try http://www.meetup.com. Join as many groups as you want. Each group has an organizer who organizes events. You can join those events to meet new people.
3. Once you're making progress on making new friends (they don't have to be close friends), then start dating.

In the world of dating, many view "not having any friends" is a red flag.

So get busy socializing and good luck, man!

 

[tarallucci]

I have hobbies, in a sense that I enjoy going to concerts, movies, shopping, day trips - stuff like that. I spend lots of time with family, however, sometimes they have their own social life and then I have nothing to do - I don't blame them - I should have my own as well. I actually don't have any (old) friends. I never met anyone in high school that gave me the time of day and I basically was never accepted - then I moved on thinking it would get better but everyone I met while in career training (not college) never responded when I attempted to make plans outside of classes. Once training was over, I've been at two jobs where I don't fit in with the "guys" - I don't talk sports which makes it difficult for me - also, any of the girls my age pretty much ignore me. I've tried to be outgoing, but it hasn't worked.

I would love to meet friends before a relationship....what I wouldn't do for someone to call and spend a Saturday night with. I know that sound sad, but there's where I am at this point in my life.

I do thank you for commenting though and offering suggestions.

I understand, I'm in a similiar situation. What about your coworkers? Do they ever organize dinners or do you work alone?

 

[Link25]

Taking it step by step:

1. Make new friends. It will help you improve your social skills. As suggested from above, volunteer at your local gay community centers. You're there to help out and make new gay friends.
2. Try http://www.meetup.com. Join as many groups as you want. Each group has an organizer who organizes events. You can join those events to meet new people.
3. Once you're making progress on making new friends (they don't have to be close friends), then start dating.

In the world of dating, many view "not having any friends" is a red flag.

So get busy socializing and good luck, man!

thanks for the links.

Yes, I was afraid that not having friends would be a "red flag". I guess I can somewhat understand it, but I never did anything specifically to be in this situation. I've never had fights with anyone or hurt anyone to make them not want to be around me. It's also increasingly difficult the older I get because once people have their social "crew" it's very hard to squeeze in. I guess most close relationships develop in your late teens/early twenties - never happened for me.

I too, think dating before finding friends is going to be a problem.

Thank you again for your advice - always appreciated and it was hard for me to admit (even online) that this is my problem.

 

[Link25]

I understand, I'm in a similiar situation. What about your coworkers? Do they ever organize dinners or do you work alone?

I work in a fairly large office, where I'm friendly and outgoing - smiling and saying "Hi" to all and am generally well liked - but it ends there. Not once, was I ever invited for lunch when I started working there. I see new people come in all the time and next thing you know they fit right in - I can only assume they either had some sort of connection already to someone or whoever was training them took an interest in them and introduced them to their clique. But to answer your question, if there are ever any social functions outside of work, I am not invited nor do I know about them. I feel like there's a group of guys there that are much younger than I am, and then a little older group with nothing in common with me - families, sports, long history of working together...

I work with all women in my department - all with kids/families - not really single guy friend material.

 

[tarallucci]

I guess most close relationships develop in your late teens/early twenties - never happened for me.

That is true...

You said you like going to concerts, do you also play any instrument or have you ever considered learning to play one? If so you could look for people to play with. If not, you could maybe look for someone in your city who listens to the same music genre or likes to talk about movies.

You don't like to talk about the sports, me too, do you practice one? I don't know, are you planning to lose weight and going for some jogging? What about going to the gym? Things like that. Think of everything you might share with someone, even a simple walk in the park with one of your family members.

 

[Link25]

That is true...

You said you like going to concerts, do you also play any instrument or have you ever considered learning to play one? If so you could look for people to play with. If not, you could maybe look for someone in your city who listens to the same music genre or likes to talk about movies.

You don't like to talk about the sports, me too, do you practice one? I don't know, are you planning to lose weight and going for some jogging? What about going to the gym? Things like that. Think of everything you might share with someone, even a simple walk in the park with one of your family members.

I do not play any instruments, but I do LOVE music - I Love Madonna! LOL - not surprising, I know - I do go to lots of concerts/broadway shows - usually with a family member but many times I go alone always hoping to sit next to another solo person but it hasn't worked yet. I am the kind of person that if I want to go to some event - I go! I don't say "yeah that would be fun" and then let it slide and forget about it - I go and never regret it.

I have been trying to lose weight - I see a personal trainer twice a week for private sessions - very beneficial but it wouldn't hurt to go to a local gym when i'm not training and I think if I had someone to go with it would be very encouraging and motivational. Most guys at the gyms i've gone to either have their friends with them or don't make eye contact.

I consider myself a fun person and would love to be spontaneous and have some crazy nights - but because of my lack of friends, those moments don't happen for me.

I need to MAKE it happen! This was supposed to be my year but so far, it kinda, sucks.

 

[dpnice]

Well you seem to have all the right attitudes but just lacking in the enthusiasm to apply some effort to put them into practice.

Unfortunately finding the effort to do something is sometimes the most difficult of all. One can have loads of ideas, know exactly what one wants and should be doing yet without applying some effort nothing gets achieved.

My advice would be to start slowly without putting too much pressure on yourself. Your first step should be to make contact with someone and to do that you have to become part of a group, any group. If contact with your work colleagues is not feasible then you have to join a group somewhere.

Wishing you all the best; I understand that it is difficult but you certainly seem well aware that you are the only one who can make it happen. So out you go and please keep us up to date with your progress.

 

[Link25]

I wanted to post an update on my situation. Unfortunately, nothing has changed. I haven't been able to meet anybody who is interested in me. My attitude has become less positive and I'm starting to think relationships and friendships might be out of the question for me and I'll never get to experience that part of life.

I'm thinking about seeking professional help though as I think I'm becoming a little depressed. I don't know if it will help, but I don't have anything to lose.

 

[swerve]

Hi Link!!!

I think it took you a lot of courage to start this thread. It also struck me that it was even possible to be 32 and never have any friends -- It almost seems inconceivable.

Humans are social creatures -- and I think you would live a more full life if you were somehow able to change your situation.

I'm going to be a little critical -- your posts are very negative, and personally, I prefer to not hang out with negative people.

So, maybe seeing a doctor might be a good option for you -- being depressed is just as real as coming down with a physical disease. And sometimes it might require the help of a daily pill to boost yourself out of the funk.

Have you considered attending a regional JUB meet up? I've met MANY friends from this website that I still stay in touch with on a regular basis.

There are actually a large number of AWESOME people -- right here on JUB!!!

I wish you the very best -- and I don't want you to give up. Personally, I've always found it easy to meet new people and make lasting friendships, but I've felt good about myself as well.

There was a time early last year, where I took Chantix to quit smoking -- and it totally fucked up my brain -- I wasn't just depressed, I was suicidal -- but I consulted with a specialist, who in turn worked with my doctor and came up with a one two punch (after six awful weeks of their first attempt not working) to get me back to normal (welbutrin in the morning and lexapro at night) -- it was like MAGIC!!!

And I guarantee that it would have been IMPOSSIBLE for me to make friends during that time -- so yeah, see a doctor and hopefully you can find a MAGIC solution!!!

 

[Link25]

Hi Link!!!

I think it took you a lot of courage to start this thread. It also struck me that it was even possible to be 32 and never have any friends -- It almost seems inconceivable.

Humans are social creatures -- and I think you would live a more full life if you were somehow able to change your situation.

I'm going to be a little critical -- your posts are very negative, and personally, I prefer to not hang out with negative people.

So, maybe seeing a doctor might be a good option for you -- being depressed is just as real as coming down with a physical disease. And sometimes it might require the help of a daily pill to boost yourself out of the funk.

Have you considered attending a regional JUB meet up? I've met MANY friends from this website that I still stay in touch with on a regular basis.

There are actually a large number of AWESOME people -- right here on JUB!!!

I wish you the very best -- and I don't want you to give up. Personally, I've always found it easy to meet new people and make lasting friendships, but I've felt good about myself as well.

There was a time early last year, where I took Chantix to quit smoking -- and it totally fucked up my brain -- I wasn't just depressed, I was suicidal -- but I consulted with a specialist, who in turn worked with my doctor and came up with a one two punch (after six awful weeks of their first attempt not working) to get me back to normal (welbutrin in the morning and lexapro at night) -- it was like MAGIC!!!

And I guarantee that it would have been IMPOSSIBLE for me to make friends during that time -- so yeah, see a doctor and hopefully you can find a MAGIC solution!!!

Sorry if I come off negative. but, thank you for your response - very appreciated. I did something that I haven't done yet just a few minutes ago - created a profile on a dating site - what will happen? who knows - but I'm scared, nervous, excited, all at the same time but I'm glad that I took one more step.

 

[swerve]

That is AWESOME!!!

I met my partner (opinterph here on JUB) of almost 15 years on a dating website -- and he is an INCREDIBLE guy!!!

Best of luck...