Need Advice from Bi Guys in Exclusive Hetero Relationships

[kelseym125]

Hi! Need your advice.

My fiance is bi...he's told me about all of his past MM encounters in college before his first marriage. He's also told me he never did that while he was married the first time or while we've been together (7 years). He's pretty much begging for a cock (I totally get that . I'm cool with MMF, and I'd support him having that...I've always LOVED the idea. I think it'd be hot. The only thing I ask is to promise me he'd only be with other guys if I'm involved too. He said it's cool, but once we open the door, it worries me a bit. We have a great sex life, and he loves my willingness to explore and be creative...as much anal as he wants included! xoxox

My questions:

1) First...Is that cool to make boundaries on it? Too much to ask? Just like cheating with a woman, I wouldn't want to worry about him cheating with a guy. Stepping out is stepping out in my opinion, and there's enough stress in life not to have to worry about that kind of thing. This whole conversation is coming 6 weeks before we get married, so I'm trying to work it through.

2) If we go there...am I going to open up Pandora's box? In other words, will going there quench is thirst or make it greater? Again, I support it and him...and would love to participate. I just don't want him to have it and then not be able to shut it off and want to do it on the side.

Hope this makes sense. Need your help before going there! I love bi guys...that's all of you!

Kisses. Kelsey

 

[strosbuff88]

I think where the issue first needs to be confronted is how "relationship" is defined.

Of course if you look in any dictionary I don't believe you'll see it explicitly state it's just between two people, but in my opinion I feel that's how it should be.

If your fiancee is sharing this desire to be with another man I feel you should make this a "test" to find out his commitment to you!

I say "let the dog run wild" right now (of course with his leash in your hand.) Participate in any encounter he wishes to have BEFORE the wedding.

In all due respect even with the nuptials I could only foresee heart-break within your future if you don't find out who it is he wants to be with, now or for the rest of his days!

 

[sixthson]

Apparently you feel that only bi guys in exclusive hetero relationships can understand your dilemma, but I don't understand why you would want to limit the feedback you get, but whatever.

 

[sixthson]

You do realize, don't you, that once you allow another man or men into your exclusive hetero relationship, it is no longer exclusive OR hetero, right? I mean, he is not exactly hetero even now. The question is do you really think you can control him, with or without your permission, when he is "begging for cock"?

So, I say: pandora's box.

I hope you are entering into your marriage with eyes wide open. Good luck.

 

[Krakenbwool]

I don't see how this would be any different than a man asking a woman for a MFF threesome. There's always the risk of cheating, whether a man is bi, straight, or gay, or whether you agree to threesomes or not.

If you've got a good man and he's faithful to you, I'd say trust him on this, since he apparently trusts you enough to tell you all this.

 

[shainski]

I'm not sure how helpful any advice on this will be.

We all have various levels of desire which change throughout our lives. We also have different levels of self-control.

Is it possible that he will have desires that he cannot control? Absolutely (although that is also true with purely straight men who cannot control their need for variety)

Is it possible that he will have desire that he will be able to control? Sure - most of us can control our desires all the time.

If you find that seven people answer this thread and say they have never cheated, nor ever would - that would not mean that he will never cheat. It would only mean that he might not.

Conversely, if five people said they eventually could not control their desires, that doesn't mean he couldn't.

So how can you know? You can't. If you trust him - that he has never strayed during his marriage nor 7 years with you - that is as much as a guarantee that you will get, i'm afraid.
Having open communication is a great plus. Being able to discuss anything with each other does seem to lessen the uncontrollable desire - or at least will alert you to it before it is too late.

But what if he finds that he has desires that he cannot control. And let's say that he shares that with you. Are you willing to accommodate a MMF encounters forever? I think you need to be very clear with what you will be able to put up with - how often - and how long.

Of course, it is unlikely that you know how you will feel 5 years from now.

The trouble with an anonymous website is that people self-select to answer the question. You can't know that whatever sample answers is reflective of society as a whole. Maybe people who cheat are too embarrassed to admit it. maybe people who never cheat nor ever would - don't want to welcome the ridicule of those that will claim that they are either in denial or are lying.

I guess, if i were you, i would use my best judgement on his sincerity. I would definitely try pre-marriage counseling to have a third party give his/her input. And i would ask him bluntly - how difficult were these last 7 years to avoid temptation?

 

[BiMike]

If you really trust your bf I say give it a try. Obviously you have a good relationship at present in that you can discuss these things but make it clear he must be fully open with you and any sexual play with another guy must be with your full knowledge.
Being Bi myself I know the sort of feelings he has but in my case I have never been in a relationship with a girl with whom I could be fully open. In my case when I have been in a relationship I have been completely exclusive but it did produce some strains
I wish you luck in your future relationship.

 

[Curiosity69]

Apparently you feel that only bi guys in exclusive hetero relationships can understand your dilemma, but I don't understand why you would want to limit the feedback you get, but whatever.

Perhaps she wanted people with first hand experience, no need to be so damn rude.

I think it is a bad idea to let anyone else in a relationship myself.

 

[evanrick]

he wants an open relationship, what do you want?

if you don't want the same kind of relationship that he does, that is your right.

i think you would both have to agree on this kind of thing before you got married.

i see it as, you say yes now and he is fine for a while. once you get married, he will just start doing it behind your back since he knows you wont leave.

you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

 

[branone]

I was in a relationship with a guy from school,till he married indeed I was his best man, after the wedding I left them alone? after we met up it wasnt long before, we shared bodies? really I dont know exactly how much his wife knew? I can say I loved her equally, point is this eventually became a fairly regular threesome, and I am not at all sure other than the husband, If it was fullfillig for the other parties, enjoyable it was, but fullfilling. can it ever be?

 

[jizzinmypants]

sixthson why don't you not be a rude jackass? Her fiance is bi so she's asking for opinions from bi guys. Got that asshole? Kelsey please excuse some of the members on this forum.

Moving on, yes it is cool to make boundaries. Your a good fiance for wanting to please your man. At the end of the day though no one knows your fiance as well as you. With that being said if you say no he will likely give in to the temptation or resent you for not allowing it. At this point I would go for it but make sure you two communicate how you feel about the situation. If you guys have trust and communication in the relationship then all will be well. As far as the scenario quenching his thirst or making it greater, that depends on how much he is in to men and none of us can answer that.

 

[iwantbig]

as has been said , the fact that he trusts you enough too bring this out is half of it .
its also obvious to me ( having been in a similar boat ) that he knows he needs cock , and you understand this , i think you could manage the situation to suit and keep your relationship honest .
i can only imagine how much fun my ex and i could have had if i could have trusted her like this .
I say go for it , he'll never need to go behind your back ( or want to )

 

[KevLINY]

I'm gay, but I'm not going to be rude about it

Anyway, having had MMM threeways, one of which ended badly, I want to answer your first question (which everyone seems to be ignoring). You definitely should set boundaries. If you don't want him sleeping with guys without you, that's certainly a reasonable request. And of course, TELL him that is part of the deal. There's always a risk in bringing in another party--so it's best to lay the ground rules up front. It's much better than arguing about what one party or the other assumed would be the limits.

Similarly, it is good to talk about the whole structure. Are there things you want to save for just you two (e.g. you don't want someone else fucking him in the ass, he doesn't want the other guy fucking you, etc.)? Are there things you don't want to do at all (e.g. rimming is out or whatever)? How do you deal with a situation where one or the other of you start to freak out / are not that into it once the threeway starts? Do you go out and look for a guy together?

It may be weird, but setting boundaries is probably the only way this will work. You don't want to be locked in the bathroom negotiating while the third party sits around in bed wondering wtf is going on.

 

[KevLINY]

Oh, I almost forgot this aspect--consider limiting it to when you are travelling and/or with someone you aren't going to run into a lot. Otherwise you're going to have the potential issue of one partner wanting to have threeways more frequently than the other. You don't want to end up in a situation where one party wants to hang out with the third every weekend and the other individual sees this as interfering with "quality time" or whatever.

This also reduces the likelihood that the third party falls for one or the other of you and sets about trying to destabilize the relationship. It ain't easy being a frequent or permanent third wheel.

 

[stevexxx]

there needs to be boundaries made. a fine line needs to be created because that marriage of yours would not be a marriage, it would just be a swinger's life style.

 

[csm123]

Hi im gay but we all have wants and desires!

First of all,well done for being so open minded that you and your partner can have these sort of conversations with such honesty.

My take on your situation is that it is down to your trust in him,but i think he is more likely to cheat if you say no,he is already craving cock,once in a while as a threesome will reduce his cravings better than no cock at all.If you trust him not to cheat if you dont have a mmf threesome then i dont think you should have to worry about him cheating if you agree,of course setting any boundaries as part of the agreement.

I would try planning something before you marry him,there is always a very small chance that he is bi but leaning towards the gay side,if this is the case you have some serious talking to do.

 

[versatileplayer]

Hi! Need your advice.

My fiance is bi...he's told me about all of his past MM encounters in college before his first marriage. He's also told me he never did that while he was married the first time or while we've been together (7 years). He's pretty much begging for a cock (I totally get that . I'm cool with MMF, and I'd support him having that...I've always LOVED the idea. I think it'd be hot. The only thing I ask is to promise me he'd only be with other guys if I'm involved too. He said it's cool, but once we open the door, it worries me a bit. We have a great sex life, and he loves my willingness to explore and be creative...as much anal as he wants included! xoxox

My questions:

1) First...Is that cool to make boundaries on it? Too much to ask? Just like cheating with a woman, I wouldn't want to worry about him cheating with a guy. Stepping out is stepping out in my opinion, and there's enough stress in life not to have to worry about that kind of thing. This whole conversation is coming 6 weeks before we get married, so I'm trying to work it through.

2) If we go there...am I going to open up Pandora's box? In other words, will going there quench is thirst or make it greater? Again, I support it and him...and would love to participate. I just don't want him to have it and then not be able to shut it off and want to do it on the side.

Hope this makes sense. Need your help before going there! I love bi guys...that's all of you!

Kisses. Kelsey

How can I say this in a way that's not offensive.... well - let me put it out there with my only intention being honesty - which is what I think you're looking for....

boundries = hang ups = insecurities......

Pure monogamy is so overrated. I am a firm believer that people should always do exactly what they want to do. Not doing so brings resentment, conscious or unconscious. It's also a form of dishonesty in that it gives a false impression of what one's true sexual desires are.

I'm bi - I'm pretty gay though. I've been in a relationship with a guy for 17 years now. Our relationship is so far beyond sex - we really only have one mind between us. I can allow him total sexual freedom and he can allow me the same because we both know how deeply we love each other. I know that no matter who he fucks, they won't be able to compete with me anyway - I have 17 years of experience working that cock. No matter who I fuck - no one can compete with him.

But we are men. We can have recreational sex with many people and not fall in love. It's our view to not do so - is a mild form of castration. Men were made this way, and to deny our true nature to ourselves is nothing more than self deception.

So, our arrangement is we have sex with whomever we want, both together or apart. Some of the people my partner has sex with don't interest me. There are people he has sex with that are nothing like me. So it's healthy for him to explore those aspects of his sexuality. It makes the sex we have together even hotter.

There are people I have sex with that do not interest him - for instance - females. He is not at all interested in women sexually. So if I have sex involving a female, he opts out. It's healthy for me to express the hetero side of my sexuality. If he denied me that - it would be like killing a part of me.

Your comments about shutting his sexuality off and turning it on - is actually quite disturbing to me. His sexuality is not yours to control. It is his to experience. If he wants to have sex with a man without you - he will. Why do you feel threatened by that? Rules, restrictions, ...... it is supposed to be fun you know. It's supposed to be part of your existence that you enjoy - not another source of stress. You can't put his dick in your pocket, it won't make him stay with you anyway. Why would you want him to stay with you if he doesn't want to?

If you both really love each other, sex is a small part of that bond. One reason I do not like to have relationships with women is because many seem to think that sex is a way to control men. It's not, trying to do that sends men out the door, or if they stay, they are miserable and resent it. I have a few women I see on a regular basis, these women accept me as I am - bisexual, and not interested in a long term relationship with them. We have awesome sex.

Let him accept you as you are, and you do the same for him, and if you're meant to be together you will be - if not - you won't - either way you'll be even happier.

 

[versatileplayer]

I think where the issue first needs to be confronted is how "relationship" is defined.

Of course if you look in any dictionary I don't believe you'll see it explicitly state it's just between two people, but in my opinion I feel that's how it should be.

If your fiancee is sharing this desire to be with another man I feel you should make this a "test" to find out his commitment to you!

I say "let the dog run wild" right now (of course with his leash in your hand.) Participate in any encounter he wishes to have BEFORE the wedding.

In all due respect even with the nuptials I could only foresee heart-break within your future if you don't find out who it is he wants to be with, now or for the rest of his days!

Got that right - "how are you gonna keep him down on the farm after he's seen Paris?"

If he wants to be in Paris - let him go there. Balls and chains won't hold him.

She stands a better chance at keeping him if she accepts him as he is.

If she wants to control him, if he has any balls he will leave eventually. If he doesn't he'll stay and be miserable, and make them both miserable.

 

[versatileplayer]

there needs to be boundaries made. a fine line needs to be created because that marriage of yours would not be a marriage, it would just be a swinger's life style.

Judgement = self repression = hang ups

If one naturally desires an exclusive relationship it's real. If one has to control one's desires, one is not really in an exclusive relationship, one is merely pretending. Even if you don't act on desires, if you have them - you have them. Control brings resentment.

 

[versatileplayer]

sixthson why don't you not be a rude jackass? Her fiance is bi so she's asking for opinions from bi guys. Got that asshole? Kelsey please excuse some of the members on this forum.

Moving on, yes it is cool to make boundaries. Your a good fiance for wanting to please your man. At the end of the day though no one knows your fiance as well as you. With that being said if you say no he will likely give in to the temptation or resent you for not allowing it. At this point I would go for it but make sure you two communicate how you feel about the situation. If you guys have trust and communication in the relationship then all will be well. As far as the scenario quenching his thirst or making it greater, that depends on how much he is in to men and none of us can answer that.

Boundries are just pretending your feel something you don't, or repression of what your true desires are.

The first time I confronted my feelings about this was with a bf I had in college. I was really in love with him, but like him, I wanted to have sex with women too. We were exclusive to each other for a while, a few months. Then we decided we'd have sex with women too if we wanted. The first time we did it - we went out and pretended to be straight and picked up some women and brought them back to our place and we had sex with these women - no man on man, no partner swapping.... the girl he was with was SO HOT. The girl I was with was pretty hot too - but she was in no way a substitute for HIM. After seeing him with a woman, I was even more hot to have sex with him, it turned me on to see him fuck a girl. And after that night, he and I had sex the next day, and it was so fucking hot. We set each other free, and we loved each other all the more because of it..... we had even more desire for each other.

It was after this that I realized that since my love for him increased so much from him allowing me to be me....... I never sought to control my lovers ever again - male or female. I let them do as they wish, and if our desires are no longer congruent, then we part ways, and that is for the best anyway - if that's the case.

I've been with my man for 17 years now - different guy than when I was in college - but we are both free to do as we wish.