Need advice on new ''relationship''

[chace1617]

It's a very complicated situation guys and i really could use some advice cause i have no idea how to deal with it.
My first boyfriend dumped for someone else and then i fell in deep depression lost weight and couldn't sleep for about a year. I was such an emotional wreck that i had no interest in meeting someone else i just wanted to be alone. After a year of depression a guy sent me a friend request on fb and i accepted him. Had never seen him before he was really cute and lived 500km away. We started talking but i never believed that he liked me or that something could happen between us cause he lived so far away. When we started talking and knowing each other better i liked him a lot. He was the nicest guy ever and we had so much fun talking about everything for hours every day. We kept doing that every day for about 2 months and then i decided to book a flight and go meet him. I told him i had bought the tickets and he was really happy and excited too. A few days before the flight he told me that there was someone else, someone that he was really into him but they were not in a relationship. I was very sad after he told me. I told him that maybe it was not a good idea to go meet him i did not want to get involved in something so complicated. He encouraged me to go and said he had no problem at all and that he really wanted to meet me. I was like, ok i have nothing to lose after all i really like him its just a 3 day trip and i'll have fun. He later told me that he only had 2 relationships in his life he's 21 btw i'm 24. He had a girlfriend for 3 years and then met this 30 something year old guy in Christmas and they would meet and have sex now and then like once a month or something cause he traveled a lot because of his job. I knew that my guy was in love with the 30 year old man.
I did fly to the city where he lived and we met, he was even cuter in person we had an amazing time he was really nice with me i felt so comfortable with him i stayed at his place for 3 days and we would go for walks in the city and have dinner and lunch together and i had the best sex of my life. After over a year of depression i was feeling happy again. The 3 days i stayed there felt like 3 days in heaven after a year in hell.
When i had to leave i felt very sad cause deeply i felt that that was it, probably i would never see him again and probably we would lose contact after a while and i was crying so hard on the returning home flight. The thing is that none of that happened, he kept being as interested in me as he was when we first started talking. we kept talking every day and nothing had changed. It actually felt like a relationship to me but we never said that this was a relationship. Whatever it was though made me feel so good and not thinking about my ex not feeling depressed. It felt good having someone you feel close knowing that you can talk about anything you want whenever you want etc...
A month later while we were talking he said that he could not stop thinking about the other guy, that he really wanted to sleep with him again...when he said that i started crying again (i know i'm a big drama queen) he said that he feels good things for me but he feels more about the other guy and cant control that..i was very sad but i accepted it and at least i appreciated that he was honest to me...The thing is that he didnt want to stop talking with me. He wanted nothing to change. He wanted the things between us to be the same and just forget about the sex part and be friends...How was i supposed to forget the sex part? i already had feelings for him, we were in constant communication for over 3 months. we didnt talk for a couple of days after that and then he called me and we talked and he seemed like he regreted what he told me. We never talked about it again and we kept talking the same way as we did at first.i sent him a birthday gift and he did too as our birthdays were pretty close everything was pretty fine in fact and the interest was the same and we talked by messages or on skype every day. After a month and a half i told him that i wanted to go see him again. He never replied positive or negative so i was very pissed, after a few days i asked him why was he not happy that i wanted to go see him? i asked if he didnt want to. he said that he wanted to see me. so i did go again. we met we went at his house we would kiss we would hug but when we where about to have sex he stopped me... he said that it is not fair for me, that he is still thinking about the other guy (even though they hadnt met in like 5 months!)i told him that i was in love with him, i was really sad so i took my stuff and left, i wanted to go back home. he was sad too he was hugging me he was asking me not to leave but i couldnt see a reason to stay... i returned home and never texted him. i felt that since he was into someone else i had no reason to text him it would seem like i was begging to be in his life. i did not want that, i wanted to be with someone who really wanted me to be in his life... he texted me after 10 days and we talked he said he still likes me and that nothing has changed and he really wanted to have sex with me but he respects me and that he knows he is probably going to have sex with the other guy soon and that he missed me and that he wants us to keep talking and be friends etc...He also said he's coming to see me in a few days. i'm not sure i believe him though lol he's trying really hard to keep me in his life he texts me every day and we talk and we talk on skype too and i'm trying to be his friend but i can not forget the sex part. plus even the thought of him having sex with someone else discusses me and i dont know how to deal with it. i do want him in my life too i dont want not have him. on the other hand it feels like a relationship but without the sex now. i'm trying to be his friend but talking everyday and some times for hours doesnt feel like a friendly relationship feels like more. i know he cares a lot for me and i do too and i want him to be happy i dont know if i am happy with the current situation.. i know i will not be happy by cutting him off of my life too... what should i do?

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Take a deep breath and ask yourself "what do I want from this relationship?"

 

[palbert]

It's a very complicated situation guys and i really could use some advice cause i have no idea how to deal with it. .... i dont know if i am happy with the current situation.. i know i will not be happy by cutting him off of my life too... what
should i do?

And you don't sound all that happy now. You're trying to hold onto something that will most likely never be, especially with 500 km between you.

(Note: Paragraphs are our friend.)

 

[borg69unimatrix]

It sounds like there's a lot of drama and a lot of baggage in this... "relationship". On top of it, IMO (!!) with nothing better in your life going on, you've put this guy on a pedestal and kinda turned him into your fantasy guy to cope with not having a real guy more locally to you. He was a great way to avoid going out and dating and finding something that could potentially be a real deal. It also kinda sounds like he's somewhat of a player, and likes the thrill of the chase and guys fighting over him. "Do I want this guy, or that guy today?" ... and he says just enough to keep you holding on and hoping he'll change his mind and pick you to keep his games going.

Clearly deep down you WANT a relationship. I don't think you should try to force one with HIM. Make yourself date locally. Meet people. Go out. Experience the real world and take time off from the cyber-relationships. Take your time and get to know people. I would also maybe question if you're codependent.

 

[TX-Beau]

Listen to Borg, there are plenty of somewhat benign narcissists out there who will string you along for the attention.

You are also somewhat of an emotional landslide, too much, too soon, too over the top - dealing with that from the other side can be exhausting. Also nothing on the internet is a "relationship." You've met this guy what, twice? ALWAYS listen to a guy when he tells you he's more into some other dude. Guys who are into you, don't say things like that.

This isn't healthy, you should stop talking to him, don't go to see him, and generally give yourself some distance to get over this. Then you need to be alone for awhile, until you can stop pinning your happiness on someone else, and can find it within yourself, and let the guys out there just be who they are.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's a bit unfair to go into a relationship after you've been in a depression over the breakup of your previous relationship... for a year.

If you deal with your own issues, you'll find yourself in a place where you'll be able to make better choices. And not be emotionally manipulated by someone who can't make a commitment. And it will be clear that you should never be someone's backup plan.

 

[arpeggi]

I think you should try seeing other guys, in your area. I think you may be clinging to the one distant possibility you feel you may have, even though you don't really have it. Dating can be lonely and depressing, I know. It's so easy to focus on the one guy you like so much even though he may not feel the same way. But once you find someone new, no matter how brief, you'll feel that excitement for someone else. The disappointment is hard. But that excitement of being turned on by somebody new and attractive, that makes it all worth it.

 

[chace1617]

Thank you for your replies guys

What all of you suggested are things my best friend has already said. The truth is that I dated a few guys after my ex dumped me and it never worked, some of them where assholes some of them where nice guys but I never felt this special connection I felt with my ex or the current guy. It's not that I avoid dating and I focus on cyber relationships. It just happened. I met him online randomly and I liked him and when I started to know him better I liked him more and i felt a connection and we had a lot of things in common and generally he made me feel different.

Let's say that I meet someone else who lives closer what reassures me that it won't be a same situation? Isn't it very possible that the new guy has an ex who still thinks bout him for example? Why cut off of my life a guy who in general is very nice to me he respects me and probably he's just confused? He is not the type of guy who likes people chase him I know him pretty well. I'm very sure he's just confused. Won't I end up the bad guy if I cut him off? Cut him off just because he's honest with me? We have never had any problems about anything else besides the other guy. We talk we communicate pretty we'll except when the other guy issue comes up that's when he doesn't know what to say and we can't find a solution. He is trying really hard to keep me in his life he's not doing it out of sympathy he actually wants it. I wouldn't feel ok with myself by cutting him off. Do you think I should give him some more time? I am really into him it's true I just try not to show him, actually I never text him first he always texts me first every day.
I feel pretty fine by myself I just don't want to think my life without him. It's not that I desperately need to be in a relationship I never pressured him to be in one with me. I feel though that If I could have a relationship I'd like it to be with him
And for us the distance was never a problem. If two people really want to be together they alway find a way to be

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Thank you for your replies guys

What all of you suggested are things my best friend has already said. The truth is that I dated a few guys after my ex dumped me and it never worked, some of them where assholes some of them where nice guys but I never felt this special connection I felt with my ex or the current guy. It's not that I avoid dating and I focus on cyber relationships. It just happened. I met him online randomly and I liked him and when I started to know him better I liked him more and i felt a connection and we had a lot of things in common and generally he made me feel different.

Let's say that I meet someone else who lives closer what reassures me that it won't be a same situation? Isn't it very possible that the new guy has an ex who still thinks bout him for example? Why cut off of my life a guy who in general is very nice to me he respects me and probably he's just confused? He is not the type of guy who likes people chase him I know him pretty well. I'm very sure he's just confused. Won't I end up the bad guy if I cut him off? Cut him off just because he's honest with me? We have never had any problems about anything else besides the other guy. We talk we communicate pretty we'll except when the other guy issue comes up that's when he doesn't know what to say and we can't find a solution. He is trying really hard to keep me in his life he's not doing it out of sympathy he actually wants it. I wouldn't feel ok with myself by cutting him off. Do you think I should give him some more time? I am really into him it's true I just try not to show him, actually I never text him first he always texts me first every day.
I feel pretty fine by myself I just don't want to think my life without him. It's not that I desperately need to be in a relationship I never pressured him to be in one with me. I feel though that If I could have a relationship I'd like it to be with him
And for us the distance was never a problem. If two people really want to be together they alway find a way to be

You might not see it but this post is a giant excuse.

You are clinging to every possible reason to keep the possibility of this working even though it's not healthy for you.

This situation sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. You should find a way to move on and develop healthy relationships.

 

[TX-Beau]

Thank you for your replies guys

What all of you suggested are things my best friend has already said. The truth is that I dated a few guys after my ex dumped me and it never worked, some of them where assholes some of them where nice guys but I never felt this special connection I felt with my ex or the current guy. It's not that I avoid dating and I focus on cyber relationships. It just happened. I met him online randomly and I liked him and when I started to know him better I liked him more and i felt a connection and we had a lot of things in common and generally he made me feel different.

Let's say that I meet someone else who lives closer what reassures me that it won't be a same situation? Isn't it very possible that the new guy has an ex who still thinks bout him for example? Why cut off of my life a guy who in general is very nice to me he respects me and probably he's just confused? He is not the type of guy who likes people chase him I know him pretty well. I'm very sure he's just confused. Won't I end up the bad guy if I cut him off? Cut him off just because he's honest with me? We have never had any problems about anything else besides the other guy. We talk we communicate pretty we'll except when the other guy issue comes up that's when he doesn't know what to say and we can't find a solution. He is trying really hard to keep me in his life he's not doing it out of sympathy he actually wants it. I wouldn't feel ok with myself by cutting him off. Do you think I should give him some more time? I am really into him it's true I just try not to show him, actually I never text him first he always texts me first every day.
I feel pretty fine by myself I just don't want to think my life without him. It's not that I desperately need to be in a relationship I never pressured him to be in one with me. I feel though that If I could have a relationship I'd like it to be with him
And for us the distance was never a problem. If two people really want to be together they alway find a way to be

If he's as good a friend as you say, won't he understand when you tell him that you need him to stay away until you've had enough time to deal with your feelings for him?

Or is that precisely what you're afraid of, that he'll leave you alone if you ask him? It seems to me that what you're looking for in here is some kind of permission to pursue this, when it's obviously not healthy for you to do so, the first step in resolving this, is letting go of the fantasy of it you've built in your head.

BTW we've all done this, and it's always painful.

"...you've never had any problems..." except that he only wants to be friends, and you want him to love you, and that is the biggest problem of them all.