Need advice on possible relationship

[TheSpanishHeart]

Hi guys

For those of you who contributed, I had a topic opened not long ago about my online boyfriend ignoring me, and I was scared. He finally messaged me and gave what seems to be a logical excuse, however, I don't have the resources I need to prove it. I have since broken this relationship off and am looking for a local relationship.

Now, for the real reason I'm making thsi topic...

I met a guy in school. We were in the same class, and he sat in the row in front of me. I couldn't stop sneaking looks at him. While he's pretty cute, he has this "shell" which makes him look like a tough guy. He doesn't socialize much, and is reserved, much like myself. So the next class meeting, I walked in to find that my seat was taken by someone else. I don't have any emotional attachment to it, so I really didn't care --- but I figured it was a good time to sit next to the guy I like... So I did... We didn't talk for the first day, but I found him on Myspace and added him as a friend. As it turns out, we have a lot in common, such as music. We talked the next class meeting real briefly, such as where we worked, a little about music, etc. He's a really nice guy, he's just shy. Sadly, I am too though...

So I really want to move things along and make a relationship out of this... What's a good, subtle way to do this? I have a few indications that he's gay, but not enough to make a firm decision. The downer is that his Myspace says he's straight, but then again, mine does too... He might just not be ready for everyone to know... But I need some easy subtle ways to check him out and try to start a good relationship. I'm going to try talking a little more in class, but what else can I do?

Oh, and I almost forgot... When we were talking after class, I got so ahead of myself... We were talking about all these different things, and I asked when he had class next. We had different classes at the same time, but before we went our separate ways, I says something to the effect of "if you ever want to do lunch sometime, let me know" --- was this a bad thing?

All comments appreciated! Thanks!

 

[WYSIWYG]

I think your doing all the right things with your new classmate. Chatting with him in class or afterwards. Also suggesting meeting outside of class is good also since both of you can be yourselves in an environment of your choosing.

Remember try and develop a friendship first, a potential relationship will follow. Rushing into a relationship could potentially eliminate that possibility.

Nice and easy does it! Hope this helps.

 

[G-Lexington]

WYS is right. Keep the conversation going. Look for a way to expand it beyond the parameters of the classroom.

Your "if you want to get lunch sometime" is good, in that it lets him know you're interested beyond the confines. But it does force HIM to approach YOU to make that date, and if he's at least as shy as you (if not more), he may not make that move. So it appears that you'll have to do more of the heavy lifting, at least to start out with.

If you start getting into a conversation a bit in depth about music or anything else, say "You know, I'd love to continue this conversation, but I have to head off right now. Are you free at all today? For lunch, or coffee?" Then all he has to do is nod, and help pick out which time would be best.

Lex

 

[TheSpanishHeart]

Thanks for the really quick replies!

Very true, if he's that shy he won't make the move himself... There are two days of the work-week I can do like a lunch thing, as I work 3 of the 5 days right after school. I know he prefers morning classes though. If I can get his schedule I'll propose something about lunch.

Very true about becoming friends first, and I totally agree, I just need to find a way for this to work.

Forgive my innocence, but I'm totally new to the relationship building thing, and don't want to mess up... Say we go to lunch on day --- would it be weird for me to cover his tab, or should I let him pay his own? I don't want to scare him off by paying for both and I don't want him to think I'm not interested by not, you know? I would certainly drive him to wherever we go as well.

Is there anything I can do in addition to talking? Any subtle hints I could throw his way to check his interest in me?

Thanks again guys!

 

[tallguy297]

Is there anything I can do in addition to talking? Any subtle hints I could throw his way to check his interest in me?

Hey spanish,

Mate, you dont want to over do it. Your invitation to do lunch was pretty much perfect... Like Lex said, it signals that you want to build a freindship, that you think theres the chance you guys can become more than just random class mates. Only time will tell how far it goes...

But for now, relax. Dont force it or rush it, because if he is shy, if he is closeted, then hes most likely also cautious and perhaps even a little scared. Pressure will push him away not draw him closer.

Just let things grow and evolve. The most sincere genuine friendships and relationships come from beginnings where comfort and trust are built. And you cant force him to trust you or to be comfortable with you... he has to do that himself.

It'll take time, but it will be worth it in the end... even from a freindship point of view if nothing else.

 

[KaraBulut]

Is there anything I can do in addition to talking? Any subtle hints I could throw his way to check his interest in me?

Before this goes too far, ask yourself if are you going to be able to settle for a friendship? If this guy is straight, are you able to just be friends?

The level of anxiety that you have over your next move seems to indicate that you want more than a friendship.

The advice you have been given is good. You don't need an excuse to ask him to hang out. Friends hang out, friends eat together, friends go to movies together- so invite him to do this stuff. It is simple as "I'm going to grab something to eat, wanna come with?"

But make sure that you're going to be able to accept the very real possibility that he's straight.

 

[TheSpanishHeart]

Thanks

I guess I'll take it slower in that aspect. I do want more than a friendship, but I've already come to terms with the idea that he's probably straight, and that's fine - what can I do about that lol

 

[TheSpanishHeart]

Ok, so I'm hoping to make some kind of gesture to be friends this coming week, as I was sick all of this week, and who wants to be with a stranger when they're sick, right?

I figured to wait until this coming week...

So if we do lunch, what's the right way to "act"? When I say that, I mean, should I buy him lunch, or would that seem to imply my crush too early? Should I let him pay for his own?

What if we arrange a movie over the weekend? What should I do?

Thanks for the continued support!

 

[Eagle653]

I would definitely invite him to lunch in a casual way, such as "I'm hungry--want to grab lunch?" Don't buy his, though. He might think that's kind of strange.

If a meal, such as lunch, is awkward to fit in because of his or your timing, then ask him if he wants to grab some coffee in the lounge, or something.

I couldn't tell, by your post, whether you think he's gay or not. Do you have any idea? If he isn't, I'd have the same question KaraBulut has: Is being just-friends, OK?

 

[TheSpanishHeart]

Well, here's my issue...

I'm a friend on his Myspace, and as a general "biography" kind of thing, he has two answers which condern her. First is that the orientation is listed as straight. Second is that when the questions was if he wanted kids, he put "someday".

Thing is, he's a quiet, reserved guy like myself... I can't click into any specific signals proving that he's gay or straight. He has a couple mannerisms that lead to possible gay, but I really can't tell, I'm not close enough.

In a best case scenario for me right now, he's a closet case. I am too though, I mean, even on my Myspace I'm listed as straight with the answer of "I don't want kids". The kids thing is just a preference --- I used to work in a store. You learn real quick if you want them or not haha But I put down straight because I'm not ready to come out in the open yet. I'm thinking maybe he's not either, but I have to look into it more. I just need help getting him in a comfortable situation...

Would I settle for being just friends? I would, but it would be real tough, unless someone else came into my life to distract me...

 

[TheSpanishHeart]

Anyone have extra opinions?

By the way, please change the first line in my last message to:

"I'm a friend on his Myspace, and as a general "biography" kind of thing, he has two answers which concern me." Spell check kicked my butt.

I'm sad to say that I made little to no progress today though...

I left him a myspace comment, and he eventually replied casually --- nothing special. I saw him today, and sadly made very little progress. He was real late to class, so I spent like 1 min with him after to bring him up to speed. He was nice as usual, but didn't make conversation, etc. We both have classes practically right after the other, so I kind of understand, but I'm so helpless lol

I keep worrying that I messed up --- I kind of lost track of what I was saying after class because I really quickly looked into his eyes instead of my notes. Once I saw tem I kind of was like "and uh --- uh ---" and then went back on what I was saying. I feel so bad not making conversation, but I don't know what more to do ---- we're both so damn quiet and don't have a lot of time between class.

Thanks for everything

 

[TheSpanishHeart]

I'm sorry to post one thing after teh next, but I have an idea...

Would it be a good idea to invite him to a movie this weekend, but bring friends with me to make it less weird? Maybe we could do that a coouple times and then try going by ourselves? I seriously don't know how to make it work, even as a normal friendship...

 

[Eagle653]

^^^If that works best for you, what have you got to lose?

It does seem like a lot of work, though--finding others to come along, picking a movie, hoping that he's available and, most important, willing.

Maybe it's just me, but I think it'd be easier to do something requiring less logistical effort. Ask him to grab a coffee or coke or something in between classes, or after. Or, say you wanted to try some new restaurant (pick one) and didn't want to go alone--is he up for a quick dinner some night this week?

I don't know your style or comfort level, but keep it simple. If he's at all interested, he'll take you up on it, or he'll give you some plausible reason as to why he can't, and will suggest an alternative. If he blows you off, or turns you down in a I'm-not-interested kind of way, then you have your answer there too.

Good luck!