Need advice on taking a relationship to the next level

[looseliam]

Seeing as you two have gotten closer, I would let him know your gay. And with that, let him take the next step.

 

[Riverrick]

As Looseliam advises, come out to him first.

Now, that alone may make or break your friendship, as we have seen in many threads in here. So there is a risk. But I don't think that you are going to get your answer without taking a risk.

It seems a little odd that, if he IS gay, he isn't trying to push the relationship farther with you. More intimate, more sexual. Are you the only one interested in this? Has he done anything? Good Luck!

 

[confusedboy23]

There is no easy way out here. Just tell him that you're interested in guys and if he responds well, you can drop the bomb and tell him you're keen on him.

It's always good to be honest with honet with feelings because that opportunity might just fade away too quickly and you would have to then deal regrets!

 

[waynemm]

Good advice has been given here, and what I would suggest in addition to that, is to drop subtle hints like "WOW, that guy's gorgeous, don't you think?" etc. Kinda "let him know" what's coming. Don't do it too much and overcook it. You might just make him nervous.

But good luck!!

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Dude, no matter what, never snoop around. Just do not do it.

You need to ask yourself, what is it that you really want to know:

Is he gay or bi?

or

Is he interested in being your BF?

For some reason, you seem to be concluding that, if he is gay, he will be interested in being your BF.

That just does not have to be always the case.

There are many guys out there, who would have no problem in dating another guy, but are not into coming out, admitting to anyone that they are gay or doing any of the gay stuff, whatsoever.

For many people, being homosexual and being gay are not one and the same thing. See, he might be interested in m2m sex (all that m2m porn). But he might not even vaguely consider the notion of letting anyone know that he is into men, or that he would openly wish to have a bf, date another male, live a 'gay lifestyle', frequent gay pride or even enter a gay bar., etc.

Ask yourself if you are looking for a BF, who would be reasonably out, just the way you are, or are you willing to go deep 'undercover', do the 'friends thing' and run your own affair behind the closed door?

---

Yet another thing: You say, you are close; you are very good friends, you spend a lot of time together. You are both young guys. Hasn't he noticed that you do not have a GF, that you are never talking about women? Being such good friends, haven't you managed to talk 'sex' yet?

SC

 

[screwnutty]

Andrew. You gotta tell him. Otherwise your just going to set yourself up for a big disappointment.

Right now your like a person looking for the best parking spot in Wal-Mart Car lot. You know you need to park but you keep going around and around looking for the "perfect" spot! There's no such thing...Just tell him and get some of this pressure off of you.

oh don't snoop man....it's not nice.

good luck!

 

[Riverrick]

Good luck Andrew. Everything you are saying makes perfect sense to me. I even understand checking out his computer.

Just start by coming out to him. Them give him time to digest that information. He may not be ready right away to reveal his preferences but your actions will make him braver.

 

[slobone]

Let's recap a little here.

1. You have good reason to believe he's gay.

2. You've been spending a lot of time together and people are starting to kid you about it.

3. You're really attracted to him.

What do you think you have to lose by telling him you're gay? He can't be homophobic if he has gay porn on his computer, and you already know he likes you as a person.

That said, don't automatically assume he's as interested in you as you are in him. But worst case, you'll have a new gay friend you already like. How great is that?

I agree, the "I'm gay" conversation has to come first. Keep it casual rather than dramatic. Like it's no big deal.

Then wait for his reaction. If he's interested, he'll find a way to let you know. Generally speaking, it's better not to come right out and ask somebody if they want to have sex unless you're pretty sure the answer is Yes.

 

[mnaoitb]

OMG, get out of my head AND, i am in almost an identical predicament, but i have decided i am going to come out, i came out to my sister yesterday, and she told me i cant live a lie, so i am not going to. I hated how our relationship was progressing. Everyone thought we were together but we werent and i was fed up and i came out to my sister and tomorrow i am meeting some friends so i can come out. I am going to get some advice from them, but i have put all my frustrations on him an when he wants to spend time together i would ignore him, becuase i felt like i couldnt go on like this so i phoned him today aplologising, but i dont know if i want to commit to a relationship, right when i have come out. I met this beautiful guy today and he seems really cool and flirty and touchy, and the other guy was making all the moves while i hid behind the closet, now i have a new world open to me, and i know that iwant the first guy to know about this world.
excuse my spelling, can't be bothered with proof reading.

 

[trawler69]

You have to come out to him before you express emotional feelings for him. You need to know what his orinentation is by him telling you. You are both good friends so you could ask him a question "Would you think any less of me if I was Gay." That is a pretty strong pointer but without an admission. If he goes eewww, you can still ask him his reasons. If he replies "Why are you asking me this?" you can say "a friend / relative asked me the other day." He will ask what your reply was and you could tell him how it was no problem to you.

These are only sugetions to give you the idea about possible scenarios to make it easier for both you. He will be having problems too based on what you say about his computer

I wish you well and please do it soon for both of your sakes.

 

[RicanDAB]

Andrew,

In my experience these types of situations more often than not demonstrate that the friend you describe is at least bi. My best friend in high school and I were similarly close and in retrospect it was on the wall that we were both curious. We were in essence both waiting for the other to start something. Years later, we had a fight over something unrelated that I cannot recall and did not speak for several years. A death in my family is what brought us back together, and ironically we had matured enough in our own worlds to come out to each other. We laugh about how much hinting we did as teens and how much things might have changed if one of us had made a revelation then.

This is not to say we have feelings for each other in that way. We may have had crushes on each other in high school but that dissipated over time. We're even better friends now with our own happy relationships. He is a friend that I would not want to lose ever again and we promised that we would never let something like that fight happen again.

I think I am rambling here but wanted to give you the story for perspective: Your friend's signs are good that he has similar feelings. but echoing everyone else - YOU have to take the first step and tell him who you are.

Silly yet insightful tip: When you guys are alone saying hello or goodbye (preferably hello), give each other a hug and see how he responds?

RE: looking on a computer for clues. I will have to save that for another thread, as I have my own different experience.

 

[Lucas07]

Wow... We're facing the same thing right here I understand you completely.. It's driving me nuts too. Mixed signals and everything. I'm thinking about what rican said about his best friend situation back then. all the hinting and stuff.. I guess nothing will ever happen if not one takes the initiative to actually "do" something as opposed to whimping out and obsessing over the what-ifs. Just waiting for the other..

I'm actually considering trawlers' approach.. Just be brave and hopefully our friendship and trust would pay off. Well really.. I'm just waiting for the right time.

Well as I can't share any wisdom and any advice as I too am still facing the same problems this part of my life, I guess I'm just here to tell you that there's someone that's exactly in the same situation as you and I know how hard it is as I believe everyone in this community knows. I just want to get out of it really. But yeah, we can do this.. I guess time will take care of it. When it happens it happens

 

[trawler69]

^ Lucas glad you have found this thread and you know you are not alone. It is very common. Read Mnaoitb's contribution above and take heed of it, Rican's too. They are both good.

 

[waynemm]

WRT the snooping... As with anything in life, there are both sides to the coin. On the one hand - yes, you have to respect his privacy and boundries. BUT, if I don't want anyone coming across my porn, I should (actually I do ) make a point of hiding it properly, clearing the browser cache etc. before handing over my laptop to someone that wants to use it.

As for telling how you feel etc. I would go with what was suggested here, that you first tell about your sexual preference. See what his reaction is, and if it seems appropriate, then tell him that you have feelings for him.

Good luck!!

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Andrew,

Mate, the simple truth here is that even if you value this guy as a friend and nothing else...you need to stop delaying, stop snooping and be honest. True real open friendships alone require honesty and trust. Regardless of your suspicions - real or imagined - if you respect this guy and want him to remain in your life in any way, you need to be honest with him. The problem here with over reading and over reacting is that you risk breaking something that to me sounds like an incredible friendship...and thats the last thing you want to do...

Separate your emotional fantasies for him long enough to be honest with him. Talk to him about yourself with truth and candour. Let him see that your trust in him is great enough to let you show your true self. At the very least you will see his reaction, gain a new level of closeness and respect in the friendship. At best...well who knows...

Too many of us get lost in the details of realising that good relationships are based on great friendships. One leads to another. There is a well worn path to this process...and for good reason. Start at the beginning with trust openness and respect. Value whatever the role this guys choses to play in your life after that.

Inaction and over reaction can have the same consequences Andrew...and you seem like the sorta guy who knows whats important to him. Your own values and instincts tell you that if the tables were reversed you'd like the same respect shown to you...

Good luck mate...and you too Lucas!

 

[newkidondagayblock]

Hey guys, I am in a similar scenario. A guy in my office is very touchy feely huggy. So its kinda weird when other colleagues see us giving embraces to each other in the office.

I like this guy, but he has a girl friend and is engaged to her. So no one doubts him. But the trouble is these guys know I dont have a girl friend or have had one for a long time... so they doubt me.

I am not comfortable coming out at my work place.

I dont want to come out to this guy either. But I like that someone wants me to be with them whenever possible.

What do I do?? Please help me.

 

[trawler69]

Hi newkidondagayblock, You could do worse than read through some of the threads on here and read the advice, see how it pertains to your situation and then if you start your own thread, it will make it easier to find rather than tucked up in someone elses. All the best

 

[trawler69]

HI, keep him as a friend. try to find out if he would still be your friend if he knew you were gay. I dont know how good a friend are you, but try finding that out indirectly.

Get a BF.

Further to my last post you could follow the advice you gave someone a couple of months back, it's very good!

 

[mnaoitb]

i didnt come out to him, i saw one really good friend and she told me that i should test the waters before i come out to him, so this weekend all three of us went out together, and the two of us were ecperimenting on him, as usual we were really flirty and close, but this is at a straight bar so we got some glances but not your typical straight bar, one a little more liberal but anyway, we were sitting at a booth for part of the night and i had my knee on his inner thigh and my hand on his other leg an trying to do the flirty thing and he was flexing for me, but i did not come out to him. I am just happy that we are friends again and i can be more open now, it has been only one night that i have seen him since i have come out, so i thin something will naturally develop nw that i am more open, while he was the one initiating everything before. i had soooo much fun though. this new freedom is great. I know i dont want a relationship right away so i am playing the field now, and it feels great.for someone that is already out but not to their crush, i dont have any advice since i am new to this whole concept, but i know for the future i wont let myself fall into this hole again.

 

[RicanDAB]

Andrew,

Hey - thanks for the update ... but I am a little surprised that he did not expand on your revelation or get more excited (maybe because he was sleeping) ... what's your take on it?

Maybe he'll come out to you later knowing now that you are gay. When my best friend came out to me, I let a day go by before I came out to him - mainly because of the shock value of the reality I had to absorb from his news (shock is not really appropriate word, since I had already suspected) ... anyway.

Only time will tell ... and CONGRATS on your courageous step man!