Need advice...

[1David1]

I met someone that seems to have a pretty good personality and would make a decent friend. However, I think he wants more than that. He seems pretty serious about it, he's not just after sex. It's obvious that he'll say something blunt very soon because he's been beating around the bush and I'll see him again soon.

I'm not really sure what to do. He's generally good looking but I'm not sure he's really my type. In other words, I don't feel insanely attracted to him and don't want it to end the way it did with someone else (I couldn't get it up). Maybe with a little foreplay... I don't know. Again, he's not unattractive or something. With a higher sex drive I'd probably feel differently about him... but I'm just trying to overcome severe depression now (without medication) so it takes someone who's exactly what I want to get me horny.

Maybe I'm just more anxious and dramatic about it because of past experience. Right now I think I will have to reject him somehow, which I hate. I don't know him enough to tell him how a relationship could ruin our great friendship or something similar. Plus, he has "something" to tell me tomorrow so I imagine it will be really awkward. What should I do?

 

[G-Lexington]

You're prepared for it, so just formulate your response. The key points should be:

1. You really like him as a friend right now.
2. You're currently not really feeling any sparks with him right now.
3. As you're coming out of a depression right now, it's not a good idea to jump into a physical relationship unless you're 100% positive about things.

I can't imagine he'll have a problem with this.

Lex

 

[1David1]

Well yeah, the problem is that I can't be too honest when I just meet a guy. When someone just gets to know you, it's awkward as hell to tell him about your depression. I don't want it to define me. Telling him he is the problem is insulting. I guess I can say I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but then I'll be a hypocrite if we stay in touch and I find someone else.

The thing that sucks even more is that I actually have to analyze and wonder whether someone is attractive enough to me or not. One failed attempt at sex and I'm already so obsessed about the next time.

 

[KaraBulut]

Here's what is in his thought bubble:

1. "I think he likes me. At least sometimes he seems like he does."
2. "Is he waiting for me to make the first move? What if he rejects me?"
3. "What's going on with him? Why is he giving me all of these mixed signals?"

Every good relationship (family, friends, fuckbuddies, lovers) is built on good communication.

Just sit down with him and say, "Let's talk". Tell him that you're getting over a period of depression and you just aren't ready for anything serious. Tell him that you enjoy his friendship but you're not sure if you can handle a physical relationship right now.

One of three things will happen:

1. It will become apparent that he just wants to get in your pants, in which case he'll move on.
2. He'll understand and you both will stay friends
3. He'll understand and he'll decide a relationship with you is worth waiting for you to get through this period.

All three of these options are much better than what's in his thought bubble.

 

[rareboy]

The thing that sucks even more is that I actually have to analyze and wonder whether someone is attractive enough to me or not. One failed attempt at sex and I'm already so obsessed about the next time.

The thing that is so great for you about having very specific parameters is that they help you avoid the possibility of actually facing failure or rejection. As long as you pin your success on having to meet a very specific type of person, you can avoid relationships with everyone.

So, while you may have gotten through a particularly bad patch of depression, there are some issues that I would recommend you explore with a therapist. The walls you're building around your emotional and sexual happiness could end up being the very thing that destroys your chances for a healthy and happy life.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Well yeah, the problem is that I can't be too honest when I just meet a guy. When someone just gets to know you, it's awkward as hell to tell him about your depression. I don't want it to define me. Telling him he is the problem is insulting. I guess I can say I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but then I'll be a hypocrite if we stay in touch and I find someone else.

Well, sez you, I guess. I've struggled with depression a couple times, and I didn't have any trouble telling people about it. No, I didn't introduce myself by saying "Hi, I'm Lex, and I'm clinically depressed". But if I got to know somebody well enough that one of us was thinking of taking it to the bedroom, I'd certainly think I could tell him. At that point, he presumably knows at least enough about me that it shouldn't "define" me. And if he can't handle that, that's fine - he's not somebody I'd want as a bed partner OR a friend.

Lex

 

[1David1]

The thing that is so great for you about having very specific parameters is that they help you avoid the possibility of actually facing failure or rejection. As long as you pin your success on having to meet a very specific type of person, you can avoid relationships with everyone.

So, while you may have gotten through a particularly bad patch of depression, there are some issues that I would recommend you explore with a therapist. The walls you're building around your emotional and sexual happiness could end up being the very thing that destroys your chances for a healthy and happy life.

It just gets too much when I have to feel bad after j/o because it makes me less horny afterwards. I'm a little OCD there. I just hope I'm not stressed about being stressed/uncomfortable/unattracted when I finally have sex.

Maybe I'm really old fashioned about it, but I don't want to see a therapist. I could use some help but I'd rather not. Less to worry about/pay for. To me a therapist = phony stranger. For now I just prefer posting here and getting genuine comments. I'm not really "cured" from depression yet, I Just make a real effort to not let it dictate my life. I still have my moments but I guess that chemical imbalance (or whatever it is) is gonna take a while to handle.

>>>Well yeah, the problem is that I can't be too honest when I just meet a guy. When someone just gets to know you, it's awkward as hell to tell him about your depression. I don't want it to define me. Telling him he is the problem is insulting. I guess I can say I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but then I'll be a hypocrite if we stay in touch and I find someone else.

Well, sez you, I guess. I've struggled with depression a couple times, and I didn't have any trouble telling people about it. No, I didn't introduce myself by saying "Hi, I'm Lex, and I'm clinically depressed". But if I got to know somebody well enough that one of us was thinking of taking it to the bedroom, I'd certainly think I could tell him. At that point, he presumably knows at least enough about me that it shouldn't "define" me. And if he can't handle that, that's fine - he's not somebody I'd want as a bed partner OR a friend.

Lex

But when you (I) just get to know someone, you don't know if it'd be worth it to tell him. Not only does he have to know more sides of you before he learns about that side, you have to know it won't backfire to trust him with that. Not to sound too emo or anything, but really... no one I ever opened up to was worth it to say the least. Sometimes because I trusted someone too quickly.

1. It will become apparent that he just wants to get in your pants, in which case he'll move on.
2. He'll understand and you both will stay friends
3. He'll understand and he'll decide a relationship with you is worth waiting for you to get through this period.
All three of these options are much better than what's in his thought bubble.

Well like I said above, I'm not comfortable talking to him about it. The good thing is that that if I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship right now, those 3 options would still apply. Hopefully it's #2. I think that's what I'm going to do. Gonna stay a virgin for a while longer, it seems. And I'm so dumb that it pisses me off as much as it does, lol.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>But when you (I) just get to know someone, you don't know if it'd be worth it to tell him. Not only does he have to know more sides of you before he learns about that side, you have to know it won't backfire to trust him with that. Not to sound too emo or anything, but really... no one I ever opened up to was worth it to say the least. Sometimes because I trusted someone too quickly.

See, that's just it. "Worth it"? Can't "trust him with it"? With what? The knowledge that you're depressed? Is that information so valuable? If so, it's only because you've made it so.

Being depressed sucks majorly, I ain't gonna lie to you. You probably know this already. But to me, it's silly to make it even more so by treating it like it's some sort of big secret that no one must know. Because one of the things that helps a lot with depression is social interaction. If you're always worried that someone might "find out" - especially someone who apparently isn't "worthy" - that's just one more thing to prey on you. I never treated my depression as "no big deal", but pretty much everyone who was in my life to any certain degree knew about it - my friends, my family, my co-workers. I just told them, "I'm currently fighting off depression, it's going OK, but thought you should know." And nobody had a problem with it.

Can you fight off the depression alone? Yes. I've done it. It was tougher that way, though. It took longer, and I went through more crap. If you don't want to go the therapy route, that's fine, but do at least go to your doctor and have him run some tests. It may be a simple imbalance that can be set right fairly easily - and why struggle for months if you don't have to?

Lex

 

[1David1]

I'm not gonna be all woe-is-me, but...different circumstances I guess. I can't even count how many people I lost when I shared that stuff with them. It's ridiculous. I'd say it's just the age range of the people I know, but even when I told my mother I was depressed and wanted to see a psychologist like 3-4 years ago, her comment was "you're not, you can talk to me and that'd be for free too." Did she actually mention anything about that later? No. Not the most relevant example but still. Maybe depression is just too big of a word. Maybe if I said I was "going through a pretty bad time right now" it would seem more acceptable to the average idiot.

It's probably different when you meet someone who's in a good place, and then all of a sudden they're sad or act weird. That makes people actually care, I guess. I've been "odd" for so long that it's just whatever to those who already know me and a big turnoff to those who see that in me when they meet me.

Can you fight off the depression alone? Yes. I've done it. It was tougher that way, though. It took longer, and I went through more crap. If you don't want to go the therapy route, that's fine, but do at least go to your doctor and haven him run some tests. It may be a simple imbalance that can be set right fairly easily - and why struggle for months if you don't have to?

I don't even know what to say. Right now I can tell you I can do it alone but the next time I'm confronted with something significant in my life, I'll go back to the same point. I just got a new job because it's what I "should" do but totally hated being there. I don't think I would trust a therapist who's paid to listen... that'd be like feeling like such a pimp for nailing a prostitute. Really, up until recently, I'd be scared to talk to guys over the phone thinking that they might record me and/or that someone I know sent them. At least I'm past that. Anyway, if I caused that imbalance naturally, shouldn't I be the one who makes my head go back to normal or something?

 

[KaraBulut]

The past is past, David.

You need to focus on what you must do to get through this period in your life. If you could do this alone, you would have by now.

 

[1David1]

I feel like I need some sort of outlet and some events to shake up my boring life, not a therapist. Normal people have friends to help them get through things but I don't. I totally get how a therapist would be necessary as I'm a ticking time bomb, but I would never trust him/her. The way I don't trust anything anyone says/wants is almost a disorder. Plus, I'm moving in a few weeks and I don't want to stay like this until I'm able to go to a permanent therapist.

BTW, I went to my new job and God... that one coworker was so hot that I actually felt horny for the first time in a really long time. So I'm certainly not attracted to this new guy if I have to think about it, which puts me in an uncomfortable position. He asked if I wanted to go out sometime, and I said yes but I didn't realize he was talking about a DATE.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I don't think I would trust a therapist who's paid to listen... that'd be like feeling like such a pimp for nailing a prostitute.

Oh, come on. Do you avoid going to the doctor, since he's PAID to treat you, and you should find someone to give you medical attetion out of the goodness of their heart? Do you not take your car to a garage to get fixed, because the mechanic whores out his knowledge of automotive repair? Do you eschew restaurants, because the bastards charge you for a meal, and any decent person should know people who will give them a good meal out of love?

People become therapists because they want to help people, and because they're usually damn good at it. Yes, there are some crappy ones out there - there are lousy doctors, mechanics, and restauranteurs as well. But the majority know what they're doing. And of course they're paid for it - we're all paid for using our skills, and just because their skills involve helping people with their issues doesn't mean they should be exempt.

As far as your trust issues go, yeah, that'll be a tough one to get past. Many therpaists offer "freebie" first sessions, so you can chat with them, see how you interact with them, and see if they end up being someone you think you might click with. You might give that a go.

Good luck on your date.

Lex

 

[1David1]

Hmm... good points. I guess I'm just not crazy about opening up to a stranger. I'm probably also a little biased cause of a bad experience with a counselor a few years back. And honestly, I also don't want to be on medication because it restricts you.

I think I'll look into counseling eventually, the question is when. It's pretty hard to find a therapist that meets my expectations. He has to be gay and charge little because I can't really afford it now. I'll try to call one I have in mind tomorrow and see how much he charges.

 

[G-Lexington]

Do give it a go. And don't be too quick to say no to medication. I'm on meds right now, and I can't speak for other people or other pills, but these do NOT zombify me. I'm still the same Lex I always was. I can still have a great time, and there's not even any sexual side effects with this one (woo hoo!). What it HAS done for me is allowed my brain to regain control. For weeks, I'd get some negative thought in my head, and be completely unable to think of anything else. I'd try to force myself to think of something else - ANYTHING else - and fail miserably. It was like placing my hand on a hot stove, and being unable to move it off. Finally, once these pills took effect, I could move on to less horrible thoughts.

It may end up that you can be treated without medication, which would be killer. Certainly try that route first, and see how much progress you can make.

Lex