Need advice :(

[D-Base]

Hey guys, to make a long story short, me and my boyfriend have been living together for over 2 years now. We rented a place together, it was a real hole but we turned it into a pretty nice place. During those 2 years we had a pretty healthy and happy relationship... until about 2 weeks ago when I started noticing that he would increase his time on his laptop, it's pretty apparent that what he's doing is chatting because I could see him typing... but when I go to him he would close all open windows and would wait for me to go away to resume his activity... This would go on for about 2-3 days before I asked what's going on... my question resulted in a huge fight which led me to pack some of my things and go to my parents' place.

The same night that we split (notice: we never talked of breaking up) we had a talk and we decided that what he's doing is not ok and that he would stop. But... to my surprise, I learned that the very same night that we split he had a random guy come over. They didn't have sex because the guy didn't find my bf attractive.

But still...

What would you do? That is 2 years of my life and he's doing this... what shall I do? I told him that I know about his date at our place but he refuses to talk about it, says he's ashamed and sorry but says it's better if we break-up. Right now, we are separated. All my stuff is at our place and I need to figure out what to do - stay or leave. It looks like we can't fix things right now.

 

[hackingnomberr]

They didn't have sex because the guy didn't find my bf attractive.

LOL!

Well anyway, I would leave, he obviously had every intention of cheating asap and didn't feel any guilt over what he was doing, had he had sex with that game like he initially intended to, how would that make you feel?

 

[D-Base]

LOL!

Well anyway, I would leave, he obviously had every intention of cheating asap and didn't feel any guilt over what he was doing, had he had sex with that game like he initially intended to, how would that make you feel?

LOL but true, apparently my bf showed his 2008 pictures where he was -20 kilos. He gained a lot of weight during those 2 years which was a huge blow on his self esteem but I loved him the way he is.

I know I have to leave but all my life is there... and half of the furniture there etc is mine... I just don't know what to do...

 

[Seasoned]

This is fixable and he is crying for help. We don't know what is going on with him and he might not even know.

He's ashamed and even the wright gain might have been a way of pushing you away and it work.

He may be addicted to porn or hook ups. He seems to suffer from low self esteem. Has he recently lost a job?

Find a neutral place to talk. Try to get to the bottom line. See about couple counseling even if it is only to divide possessions. I think the two of you have a good chance to be back together.

If he is having a bout of low self esteem is doesn't think much of you right now because he can't help wonder what is wrong with you if you like him. It's all bullshit, but it happens all the time.

Good luck to you both.

PS This started more than 2 weeks ago.

 

[KaraBulut]

What would you do? That is 2 years of my life and he's doing this... what shall I do? I told him that I know about his date at our place but he refuses to talk about it, says he's ashamed and sorry but says it's better if we break-up. Right now, we are separated. All my stuff is at our place and I need to figure out what to do - stay or leave. It looks like we can't fix things right now.

The question underlying all this is, "What caused the change in behavior?".

Is he going through a stressful period or a minor depression? Why is he unable to talk about what is going on with him? Why did he hide it all from you?

If he's not willing or able to talk about the problem and determine if he needs help, then it doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship.

And as soreknees hinted... if there's a not a reasonable explanation such as depression, then he's probably had a problem for a while. It just took a while to catch him.

 

[Georgiadude]

for me it comes down to trust. he was hiding what he was doing and even tried to hook up right after you guys talked. now he down plays it and wont talk about it. those are the things you know about. what else was going on that you dont know about? do you feel you can trust him again? he was lying, hiding and trying to cheat. I don't think I could ever trust him again. it would always be in the back of my mind. I think he doesn't have the guts to tell you it's over. he's moved on but cant muster up the courage to end it like an adult.

is it possible to move the rest of your property into your parents garage or basement? maybe rent a storage bin. it sounds like he's given up on the relationship and has already moved on. break ups suck and hurt a lot. but it gets better with time.

Steven

 

[landers]

Personally I would ditch him, or at the very least go for couples therapy. If you do decide to leave him, and the lease is in both your names, make sure to notify the landlord and get your bf to resign the lease, otherwise, the landlord can come after you for money.

 

[D-Base]

Thanks for all the replies guys. In the end, we broke-up. I'm moving all my stuff out of our apartment this coming Thursday (my dad is helping me out with that).

He refuses to talk about it, I tried a hundred times. He only says that he's ashamed. He says it's better for me if we break-up but I don't accept this explanation. I can't accept the fact that he doesn't want to talk to me and fix things.

IMO, he's planning on a new relationship. He's just chicken to admit it.

I have no clue why this happened, everything seemed to be going smoothly.

Needless to say I'm devastated at the moment and barely coping.

If you want to send some hugs, please do.

 

[redips]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through.

 

[TX-Beau]

God save us all from guys who can't grab some sac and say they want out.

 

[Georgiadude]

sorry this happened. went through a bad break up in January and I know how much it hurts. things get better with time.

as I said in my post and you eluded to it as well. I think he's moved on but just didn't have the guts to say it to your face. some guys are too chicken to be honest and adult about ending things. It hurts now but your better off without him. he was lying and most likely cheating. this has probably been going on for a while. he was too much of a wimp to tell you. hate it when guys do this. if your not happy in the relationship, fine. it happens but have balls and courtesy to tell the other person.

wish I could give you a hug in person. they really do help. instead this will have to do.

Steven

 

[D-Base]

Well, that was it. I moved out. Now there are 5 black bags like 5 coffins in my room at my parents' place. Coffins of my life for the past 2 years. I don't even want to look in those bags, so many memories. I wish i could put my heart in one of those black bags and bury it forever, alas... it seems my heart is only made to ache...

Just like in a divorce, we settled that he would pay for the furniture that I left behind. After all, he needs it and I decided that it's the best option as well...

And now, I just want to cry but I can't... I didn't even tell my parents why we broke-up, I said it was mutual...

 

[Ninja108]

D-Rob we are here for you if you need us. And as someone who's been there, it does HURT like hell, but it will get better.
In the meantime, focus on yourself, your hobbies, and don't be afraid to confide in people you can trust.

 

[D-Base]

Well, just a little update. Today, via some mutual friends I learned that my ex already has a new bf (sorta) they are dating and my ex is apparently very much in love. It seems they were dating some weeks before we broke-up behind my back so here's where I put closure. I don't know what to feel. I'm kind of angry but at the same time I'm happy that I've heard the news because I really would not want to be with such a guy.

Btw, you know what is funny, he's dating the same guy that left our apartment with an excuse and told friends that he didn't find my bf attractive. He's using him? Probably. I learned that this guy is looking for a place to stay. Silly really but my bf is in love. I don't plan to intervene.