Need Advice

[liberty8]

Hey guys- This is my first post on here. I have a bf of six years.. we are each others first relationship, came out together and gone through really difficult times together. I am 30, and he is 28. Over the past two years it seems we are best friends rather than partners. I know deep down I havent been happy for a while but coming to terms and facing it have been extremely difficult. I think we have become comfortable but in the end neither one of us are happy. We dont argue but basically just live day to day and for me there is no excitement and nothing to look forward to anymore. I used to be a strong, happy, and independent person. Feel like I have lost that. Anyway, my bf has a hard time with confrontation. This last Friday he sent me an email stating how he really feels and says the time has come in our relationship that he would like to be friends. He basically says he wants nothing to change but our relationship to transition into that of a best friends.. after having time alone over the past few days I feel that is where we have been for quite some time. Even though it is really hard to face. I am scared of being alone or when the time comes that he may find someone else. I was pretty devistated after reading the email... We haven't had sex more than maybe four or five times in the past year or year and a half.. so that has always been kind of an issue on my part because I have a really high sex drive. We chatted off and on about playing around a bit but never ended up doing it. We have lived together for over five years and continue to do so in a one bedroom apartment. The lease doesnt expire until next April... 8 months away. He has been away on a trip since sending me the email and tonight will be the first time I will see him since this has happened. I am worried about how to act and if things will just continue to go on like they have been... we have never been on bad terms and I love him to death but now that all of this is out in the open.. ugh! It also seems over the past few days that my sex drive is going crazy.. I even texted him and told him how I am feeling about that. He told me if I need to play or get it than I should. I am really wanting to.. Is that bad? I have no desire to have another relationship for a very long time but need sex back in my life.

 

[tipmyscales86]

I think you two need to have a face to face chat about determining the future, not via emails and text messages. It doesn't have to be confrontational, just a practical discussion on where your lives are going. If you want to save the relationship and be happy again, I'd suggest that you both would have to find something new to add to the relationship...new hobbies, new place to live (after the lease runs out), new partners (opening the relationship), having a kid. But if you want to end it amicably, then make it clear to each other that you'll still be friends.

 

[liberty8]

We will be having a face to face chat tonight. But honestly at this point he has made it clear that at this point in the relationship he wants to be just best friends. I just dont see things ever getting back to where they were a few years ago. Its nature I guess. Yeah, we will remain good friends, I hope. My concern is continuing to live together with this all out in the open. Not sure if it will be really tough emotionally. And as far as the sex part.. not sure either.

 

[looseliam]

It seems nothing can be done to salvage what's left - to the friend zone it is.

In the mean time, go and shag everything you can. Hell, bring them back home. Have fun - live!

I'm just naturally distrusting, so I question why he sends you this email on his trip and then tells you to go get some if you want. My thoughts: he's doing the same.

It will be tough, rough no doubt. But this is a chance for a new beginning for yourself.

I would also talk to him about the lease arrangement. If there's a way that he or you can leave, I think that'd be best; that is, of course, if it's financially feasible. Otherwise, buy a futon and have rotating schedules of who gets the bedroom.

 

[liberty8]

Hes a great guy and had a hard time telling me face to face so the email was his way of telling me.. No, he hasnt been out playing around but he knows we both need sex again.. but that sexual connection between us is gone and has been for quite some time. Yeah, he told me last night I should get some dick if I really need it.. I didnt, but damn would be nice. Yeah, the lease arrangement will be interesting for sure. Just hope things dont get really awkard at home.

 

[TX-Beau]

Ending things is always hard. You've been together for a long time, you've probably got a lot of unconscious assumptions about how things were supposed to go, and now, that's not going to happen.

But consider this, if you know you both aren't happy, and you try to cling to this out of familiarity, or fear of being alone, you're also eliminating the possibility of finding something that will make you happy.

 

[hotatlboi]

At least you were on the same page as him about the failure of the relationship and the need to move on, that will make it easier.

 

[Seasoned]

As someone in a 28 year relationship with some roller coaster ups and downs I dint necessarily see this as the end. It may be but I think the relationship deserves a few couple's counseling sessions to get a better perspective.

Relationships require work. They eventually fade to flatness and boredom if they are not energized. A lot of couples end up divorced because they both allowed the relationship to stagnate.

Even if dissolving into a friends situation counseling could prove beneficial. You are likely to have strong pissed off feelings if he starts dating and has sex especially since he eschewed it with you.