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accord98

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So I need some advice about this guy. We started talking last August. We dated regularly between October of 15 and January of this year. During that time, he always accused me of not being interested when I was. I have a hard time of getting super excited over a guy because it usually gets me no where.

Anyway, we never really broke up. We just sort of stopped talking. We started up again this past summer but it didn't go anywhere. I just got a match notification on tinder and it was this guy.

I really want to message/talk to him but I don't want to look like an idiot. I just feel like we're unfinished business or maybe I need to get him out of my system as we had never slept together.

I guess I'm looking for advice on if I should message him or if I should let it go and get over him.

Thanks guys!
 
accord98 said:
So I need some advice about this guy. We started talking last August. We dated regularly between October of 15 and January of this year. During that time, he always accused me of not being interested when I was. I have a hard time of getting super excited over a guy because it usually gets me no where.

Anyway, we never really broke up. We just sort of stopped talking. We started up again this past summer but it didn't go anywhere. I just got a match notification on tinder and it was this guy.

I really want to message/talk to him but I don't want to look like an idiot. I just feel like we're unfinished business or maybe I need to get him out of my system as we had never slept together.

I guess I'm looking for advice on if I should message him or if I should let it go and get over him.

Thanks guys!
Click to expand...

You dated "regularly" for 3 months and yet didn't have sex? Is that right? If that's correct, don't contact him, move on.
 
By regularly, I mean like once every couple weeks. We live about 45 minutes from each other and didn't have a place to just have sex. He also made jokes about me being a slut and then I thought I was his rebound since he a few months prior he was in a relationship. We made a decision to hold off on it and it just never happened.
 
accord98 said:
By regularly, I mean like once every couple weeks. We live about 45 minutes from each other and didn't have a place to just have sex. He also made jokes about me being a slut and then I thought I was his rebound since he a few months prior he was in a relationship. We made a decision to hold off on it and it just never happened.
Click to expand...

So you had 6 to 8 dates +/-, and didn't have sex. You also say "we" decided to hold off on sex (and that's ok). My point is...if you really, really, like someone it will darn near be impossible to go 6 or 8 or more dates without having sex. At the start of a relationship, sex is on your mind A LOT! Sorry, but this doesn't seem like a love connection so just move on. Even now you seem half-way "blah" about this guy. He either excites you so much you'd drive to the moon to see him, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, move on.
 
You have to ask yourself why he still interests you. Message him if your answer is based on feelings. If your answer is based on thoughts, more on. As to looking like an idiot, being over cautious makes for a pretty bland life. There's careful, cautious and over cautious and the last me last mentioned can have you behind a barricade. Aim for reasonable risk taking.
 
Seasoned's response is very sensible, although it sounds as though you were protecting yourself while you were dating him: "I have a hard time of getting super excited over a guy because it usually gets me no where."
It would seem to me that the reason for dating is because you really have feelings for someone, but you went into it with low expectations, supposedly because it gets you nowhere, but perhaps your lack of enthusiasm - and showing it - is obvious to the guys you date. The self-fulfilling prophecy: the person sets it up to failing by behaving in a way that upsets the other person, and then the other person loses interest. Also, someone saying it feels like you don't like them and your use of the word "accusation" doesn't bode well for your relationships in general. If you are "accused" of something, the general reaction of the average person is defensiveness. Defensiveness does not bring anyone closer to anyone else: it distances them. Try looking inside your head as to what conditioning you had when you were younger that brings you to a defensive response, instead of an affirming response that lets the other person know you have feelings. And are able to show them. I have witnessed (and experienced) guys saying 'I DO like you' while their actions - and their facial expression - is completely devoid of any warmth. Your body language may be saying something entirely different than your words, and in that case, I'd look at the body language, since, as the old saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words." That includes body language, which is an 'action,' as well.
 
P.S.
Also, while Seasoned was diplomatic in his use of the term "overcautious," another word, which is harder to hear, but equally valid, is "fearful." Guys who are afraid of getting hurt usually manage to end up getting hurt because they are overly concerned with their own feelings, and not enough about the feelings of the person they are dating. if the guy gave you good reason to be afraid of him, that's one thing. If he was acting with warmth (I don't know if he was, because you didn't say that he did, or else, you don't recognize that emotion), then it would seem he was frustrated at not being able to get closer to you.

So don't write merely because you have feelings of rejection. That's a poor motivator for getting in touch with someone: once the 'rejection' feelings disappear when/if you start dating again, you'll experience fear once you're called upon to display loving feelings (back to your "I have a hard time of getting super excited over a guy because it usually gets me no where"). Individuals rarely "magically" learn how to change their (negative) emotions towards others, and fear is one of the strongest of emotions, especially if the childhood was filled with unloving parents. If that's the case, individuals then have learn how to get past their own fearful internal dialogue (the 'rejection stuff'). That's why people go to therapists.
 
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