Need dating advice

[JB3]

So I've been seeing this guy that I met about a month ago. We've been on two dates, and were supposed to go on a third on Saturday, but the plans fell through. Initially, we talked a lot over text and the occasional phone call. Now, its just occasional texting, and its always me who initiates it.

We meshed really well during the time we spent together. Always had something to talk about, always felt a connection.

But things feel weird. It doesn't seem like he's into it. He doesn't respond to texts very often, and when he does he's distant. We were supposed to spend most of the day saturday together, but he forgot about a birthday party and it took me prompting him for what we were going to do to get that information. When I told him when I would be available this coming week, he gave me a noncommittal 'I'll let you know'.

This is getting old. I feel like I'm wasting my time. Its too bad too, because he's a really great guy.

 

[altlover85]

So I've been seeing this guy that I met about a month ago. We've been on two dates, and were supposed to go on a third on Saturday, but the plans fell through. Initially, we talked a lot over text and the occasional phone call. Now, its just occasional texting, and its always me who initiates it.

We meshed really well during the time we spent together. Always had something to talk about, always felt a connection.

But things feel weird. It doesn't seem like he's into it. He doesn't respond to texts very often, and when he does he's distant. We were supposed to spend most of the day saturday together, but he forgot about a birthday party and it took me prompting him for what we were going to do to get that information. When I told him when I would be available this coming week, he gave me a noncommittal 'I'll let you know'.

This is getting old. I feel like I'm wasting my time. Its too bad too, because he's a really great guy.

Unfortunately, it does sound like something has changed.

Are you ever able to ask him about how he's feeling?

As to the part I bolded, he can't be that good of a guy if he's treating you like this.

I hope things improve for you.

 

[JB3]

if it were me, I'd drop the ball in his court and move on until he reaches out to you.

he could have not felt the same connection that you did and just doesn't have the stones to come out and say it, he could be super busy with work, things could be getting serious between him and another guy he's dating... you never know.

but it seems like he's wasting your time.

I'm waiting until he gets back to me about this upcoming week. If he says anything other than 'let's go out (insert day here)' I'm going to just say: 'Look, we had a great time on our dates, but do you actually want this to go anywhere? If you don't that's fine, no hard feelings. Just tell me that so I'm not wasting my time though.'

 

[KaraBulut]

This is getting old. I feel like I'm wasting my time. Its too bad too, because he's a really great guy.

Relationships are work. But they're not supposed to feel like work.

This is too much work. He's controlling the relationship and manipulating you with his passive-aggressive behavior.

Cut him loose. There's too many other guys out there who want to be with someone and are willing to put the work into making it work.

 

[medic1]

^^^^^^^
I think Karabulut has got it in one.
Take control of your situation which by reading your last post i think that
you are starting to do.

 

[JB3]

As I expected, today we had a talk and he told me he wasn't really feeling it. Can't say I'm not disappointed, but at least I can move on now.

 

[JB3]

Oh, and apparently I pissed off someone somewhere because today I was hit by a shitstorm of negative things and bad news.

 

[medic1]

jb3 sorry to hear that buddy but as you say now you know you can
get on with your life.
Who knows what may happen next week , take care .

 

[Seasoned]

Use this as a learning experience. I'm sorry it took this turn. Something you wrote struck me. You were set to tell him that you both had a good time together. In reality you can only speak for yourself. I'd caution you not to make assumptions. Check it out and refrase with something like, "I had a great tine and it appeared that you did as well.". I hope you understand what I'm getting at.

It gets down to a self-esteem issue when one person does all the work and that person then comes across as needy. I don't believe in game playing but I do believe in equality. I send a text; you respond. Things are equal. I send a text; you don't respond. I send another; you don't respond. I make a call, leave a message hoping all is well and get on with life.

By the way, it's ok to put up a bit of a fight sometimes when plans change. "A bithday party? I was looking forward to seeing you. Could I join you or meet you somewhere afterwards?" A negative reply without a future date tells you to bail.

Once, I insisted on keeping a date with a guy who tried to blow me off. It was the first date after we hooked up. He kept the date and we kept each other. That was almost 28 years ago and it's a story we remember on every anniversary. I guess what I'm saying is that it is better to rake a risk pushing the envelope rather than being passive and dragging things out. By the way, what I did 28 years ago was totally out of character for me.

Good luck. Fight for what you want. Don't make all the compromises. It's not attractive and hurts your self-esteem.

 

[JB3]

Use this as a learning experience. I'm sorry it took this turn. Something you wrote struck me. You were set to tell him that you both had a good time together. In reality you can only speak for yourself. I'd caution you not to make assumptions. Check it out and refrase with something like, "I had a great tine and it appeared that you did as well.". I hope you understand what I'm getting at.

Yeah I got a bit ahead of myself with this. After we talked I sent him a brief text saying that I enjoyed the time we spent together and its too bad that it didn't work out, but that I hope he finds what he's looking for in life.

It gets down to a self-esteem issue when one person does all the work and that person then comes across as needy. I don't believe in game playing but I do believe in equality. I send a text; you respond. Things are equal. I send a text; you don't respond. I send another; you don't respond. I make a call, leave a message hoping all is well and get on with life.

That was my issue. (and how I could tell something was up) It wasn't equal, and it was apparent he wasn't that into it.

By the way, it's ok to put up a bit of a fight sometimes when plans change. "A bithday party? I was looking forward to seeing you. Could I join you or meet you somewhere afterwards?" A negative reply without a future date tells you to bail.

Once, I insisted on keeping a date with a guy who tried to blow me off. It was the first date after we hooked up. He kept the date and we kept each other. That was almost 28 years ago and it's a story we remember on every anniversary. I guess what I'm saying is that it is better to rake a risk pushing the envelope rather than being passive and dragging things out. By the way, what I did 28 years ago was totally out of character for me.

This is my problem with dating. (and it was my problem in my last relationship too) I'm not a very vocal individual. Meek would probably be the right word. I'm always afraid of being too vocal and pushing someone away, especially with this guy. Sending him a text, or calling him last week and saying 'okay what's up. Something isn't right', would have been totally out of character for me. It probably would have gotten the situation resolved sooner, but I'm not one to be that...aggressive. I guess its a learning experience for me, though.

Good luck. Fight for what you want. Don't make all the compromises. It's not attractive and hurts your self-esteem.

Thanks for the kind words. Last night I was doing some thinking and realized a (somewhat) shocking thing; this guy was only the third person I've ever been on a date with. He was only the second guy. The first guy I ended up jumping into a year long relationship with. The very first was a girl, but that fizzled out. (obviously) On the one hand that means I don't have any bad habits or anything like that. On the other, I have no experience, and a lot of the time I feel like I really don't know what I am doing. That'll change once I date more, but its a little stressful at the moment.