NEED HELP very confused

[confused2189]

so i am having trouble..... i am sexually attracted to men but emotionally attracted to women...... like i dont see myself falling in love with a man... i have always pictured myself with a woman in my life but i have 0 attraction to women when it comes to having sex.... i really don't know what to do...

 

[techie70]

Is there a reason you aren't emotionally attracted to men? Do you have much/any experience sexually with men?

 

[hylas]

dear, this is most probably not what you want to hear, but youre gay, and youre having trouble accepting it.

"emotionally attracted to women", "i dont see myself falling in love with a man", "i have always pictured myself with a woman in my life"... these are the words of somebody who is fighting his homosexuality with all hes got. you think you want to be with a woman, because thats what youve been taught youre supposed to want, and because the alternative is scary and difficult. but denial is not going to change who you are, and the sooner you accept yourself, the easier you make it for yourself.

stop differentiating between 'sexual attraction' and 'emotional attraction'. and dont see your dick as something that fails to follow your heart. instead, see it as a magical compass: you should explore the areas it points towards, because in those directions lie hidden treasures and unspeakable riches.

welcome to jub, good luck!

 

[confused2189]

i have experienced a few and the moment i get off i just dont wanna do anything with a man.... i only view men as friends and not anything else.. the only time i love them is during sex and after that everything is directed to women..

 

[Shawn1]

I'd suggest a good counselor who can help you sort out stuff.

Whatever you do please don't deny yourself- its all you've really got

Good luck

 

[techie70]

What x-cess said tends to be true for what you are describing. Do you have any issues with being gay? I know I had a hard time trying to equate what I was feeling with what I thought being gay meant at first. All I knew of being gay was what I saw on TV and that didn't fit me at all. I was in the military when I came to terms with being gay too. It took me time to realize what being gay meant for me. Once you are comfortable with being gay things start to change. Especially in terms of relationships and how you view them.

Hope this helps and if not keep posting. Lots of people to help you figure this out.

 

[HunterM]

i am sexually attracted to men but emotionally attracted to women...... like i dont see myself falling in love with a man... i have always pictured myself with a woman in my life but i have 0 attraction to women when it comes to having sex....

You love the idea of romance with women because it is universally acceptable in our society. We all grew up seeing affections between a man and a woman being displayed everywhere. It is the norm. We want to fit in; so we bought into this cultural idea.

In India, it is socially acceptable for men to hold hands in public...put arms around each other's waist (like boyfriend and girlfriend) or shoulder while walking in public. In Italy and South America, men greet each other openly with a kiss on the cheek. In US, we would equate these behaviors to being gay. Our society would shudder at these public display of male to male affections. We, in the US, want to fit in; so we reject these thoughts in our mind.

If you are sexually attracted to men and not women, then go have sex with men. Celebrate it! In this day and age, no hetero woman would want to stay in a relationship with a man that does not want to have sex with her. It would be difficult for you to keep a woman in your life when you have 0 sexual attraction to her.

 

[GhostMost]

So do you actually find some girls to be attractive?

How do you pick these men to have sex with? Do you go with sexual attraction or do you just fuck a guy who's within sight and wiling to give it?

 

[djmigra]

Confused2189, I'm in the exact same boat. I wrote a post on here yesterday and was trying to say what you said. Glad to hear that someone is thinking like me. HOpefully I'll figure something out soon.

 

[confused2189]

just wanted to point out something... i have no problem with being gay and at one point i have accepted myself few years ago BUT ever since than i cant keep myself from having crushes on girls and like falling in love with them.... i have had great guys that i loved and i have dated men that i am very attracted to but as i said... the moment i get off during sex i just hate all men and there is no way in hell i would kiss a man or cuddle because id rather kiss someone from my heart.... and with women and girls they really attract me and i just like their bodies but i dont get hard when i am with a woman..... again i dont mind being gay but if i am gay i might as well love the guy i am with all the time and not just when i want sex...

 

[redips]

I agree with what everyone else has said.

And I can totally relate to what you described. I didn't come to terms with my own sexuality until I was 26. But even as a kid, I was always physically attracted to guys. However, the idea of being affectionate with a guy (kissing, holding hands, falling in love, etc.) didn't appeal to me when I was younger. That's NOT because I'm bisexual--I'm totally gay, like Kinsey 6+ gay. It didn't appeal simply because it wasn't socially acceptable, so it just felt weird, unusual, and therefore unappealing.

As I slowly started accepting my own feelings, the idea of falling in love with a guy also gradually dawned upon me. Today, there is nothing I love more than sharing love and affection with another man. It is a process and a journey that I think many people go through as they come out to themselves, so to speak.

Hope this helps.

 

[techie70]

Ok that helps to clarify somewhat. So you have been with guys in the past and dated them. And you have no problem with that aspect of your life. So to make sure I understand - it is only after sex that these feelings come out? And that would naturally confuse anyone if so. And you have feelings of love for women just not sexual feelings.

My gut feeling would be to ask if anything ever happened in your past - something that triggers these negative feelings. It really doesn't sound like you are bi to me or that you would have a problem if that were the case. Definitely confusing - maybe talk to a therapist?

 

[confused2189]

i dont think anything in the past affected me,,, my family and my environment is very opened to homosexuality so trust me i am not trying to fight it back... like i dont mind being gay but i dont wanna be gay just for sex and then hate my man when i am done and love him back when i want sex... but with females it is a different case.. i could love and kiss from my heart and cuddle and would love to have sex but some part of my brain is not sending enough blood to my penis lol it is very weird and i have considered talking to a therapist but just wanted to see if there are any other people that had the same issue before (again dont tell me it is because i am not accepting myself coz i accepted that i am gay ages ago and i am happy with it)

 

[redips]

sorry, I didn't see your earlier post before I posted mine, so some of it is probably irrelevant.

hm, yeah, this is certainly confusing. But do you enjoy cuddling/kissing a guy even BEFORE sex? Or just not at all? And I'm wondering, if you were to have sex with a woman, would your emotions toward her also cool off after you get off? Just a thought.

 

[backpacker]

I agree with what everyone else has said.

And I can totally relate to what you described. I didn't come to terms with my own sexuality until I was 26. But even as a kid, I was always physically attracted to guys. However, the idea of being affectionate with a guy (kissing, holding hands, falling in love, etc.) didn't appeal to me when I was younger. That's NOT because I'm bisexual--I'm totally gay, like Kinsey 6+ gay. It didn't appeal simply because it wasn't socially acceptable, so it just felt weird, unusual, and therefore unappealing.

As I slowly started accepting my own feelings, the idea of falling in love with a guy also gradually dawned upon me. Today, there is nothing I love more than sharing love and affection with another man. It is a process and a journey that I think many people go through as they come out to themselves, so to speak.

Hope this helps.

Great post. This is a very common experience for many gay men. Some guys try so hard that they even marry women, only to discover later in life that they were only fooling themselves. Have you ever thought how unfair it would be to a woman to end up with a guy that has zero attraction to them? I think to many guys forget to consider that the decisions they make effect two lives.

The best thing you can do is get some counselling to help work through your internal struggles. You may also want to spend some time reviewing threads in the section. I'm sure you will find many threads similar to yours and the advice offered there will probably be helpful. Good luck!

 

[Seasoned]

I want to welcome you and offer support. Try not to worry about the future and take things as slow as you wish. You are looking for input here and someone's honest answer may be jarring. People who question sexual orientation are probably something other than straight, and we have no idea how many bisexuals attempt to live as straight. I was a gay person trying to be straight and while one result of that was fatherhood, there also were years of distress.

My biggest suggestion would be to try and figure out your sexual identity before committing to another person in a long term relationship.

Being confused is one thing, but, if, at any time, thoughts about your sexual identity cause you distress come back here, meet with a therapist or a trusted person and talk things out.

I am so glad you came here to get some feedback. An internal dialogue about anything troubling to a person can be counterproductive. Already you have learned here that sexual identity is as much a part of you as the color of your eyes and actually is no longer troubling even to those who at one time struggled with it. You are not alone. Keep us posted.