Need Help

[Araigu]

Hey everybody, I made a thread not so long ago, about me trying to accept my sexuality and whatnot, and while I've almost embraced it as a whole, it is still kinda hard for me to go and start looking for potential dates, I guess it will become easier when all this turmoil fades away, but anyway I've come out to one of my girl friends, a great step for me, and she was pretty supportive and understanding, so no troubles here.

Now, on to my issues, but be warned, this is kinda long.
Well, I started going to psychotherapy a few months ago, for many reasons, and it has helped me a lot to understand myself and my life, but I just can't go and tell my therapist about all this sexuality issues, I'm not sure why, I've tried to, but when she starts asking, everything just gets blocked, so I was wondering if anybody has gone through something like this, or if you have any ideas why this may be happening.

The other issue is that there is this dude in a couple of my classes, I've met him since last semester, but until now something weird came up, but I think it's the typical "he's straight but giving off some signals and confusing me" case, but here are the details:
one day he was sitting next to me in a class, nothing weird there, but then he suddenly started playing with one my fingers, so I played along, after a bit he let go, and I went back to paying attention to class. Then he started playing again, and eventually we ended up holding hands.
After this our communication got improved a lot, and he told me about some girls and whatnot, but still I decided to throw some hints at him, so he ended up saying some weird stuff, like "I want you to teach me new stuff", but I never knew how much of a joke this was, since this was via the stupid IM. So I gradually decided that I needed to let go of the idea, and one day he asked me to take him to a piercing parlor, so I took him, and nothing awkward happened, we just grabbed a bite after wards, nothing special, just like normal friends. Then I thought that I was right after all and he was just fooling around, and so I let go of this whole idea of him being interested, and everything turned out into a super normal friendship... until today. The whole hand playing started again, but this time it was me who started, i was testing him, he didn't flinch, or let go, this got me nervous (dunno why), and I giggled like twice because of this, but he didn't laugh or anything at all, he was like acting normal, but wouldn't let go.
So right now I'm like super confused, should I keep throwing hints at him, or should I back off, since he's made kinda clear more than once that he's straight. But yet again, how many straight guys let some other guy hold their hand and keep playing around? Oh and this happened in the classroom, so he wasn't embarrassed or looking for intimacy or anything, making me wonder if this is just playing along.

Well, thanks for reading this, I know it's kinda long, but I'm new to this whole thing, and would appreciate having your opinion.

 

[Seasoned]

I want to encourage you to speak to your therapist about your sexual identity. Nothing should be off limits with a therapist. I'm happy for you that you are beginning to come out to friends. Don't go any faster than what you are comfortable with, but one of the advantages of being out is not having to guess what your classmate's intentions are. It seems that at the very least he is trying to turn you on, so maybe next time you ought to "adjust" yourself to show him he's succeeded.

 

[funfun]

Daaaw thats adorable!

Do confirm his intentions , perhaps with eye contact a little smile?

 

[Araigu]

Yesterday I gave it another shot, and he let me hold his hand and play a bit with it, he didn't offer any resistance, but he didn't play along either (just a little bit), it was like him lending me his hand. But now there was a lot more eye contact, because the other times he didn't look at me, just let me play with him. LOL
But I remembered something, the other day, we were holding hands, he didn't flinch or anything, EVEN when the teacher saw us, so I guess he's not uncomfortable, but hey may be too scared to act upon his wishes, he might be repressing stuff, or maybe he's just going with the flow.

Sorry if this turns out too long, but I remembered something, he started acting like this because I spent a lot of time playing and hugging and holding hands with one of my friends, obviously a he, and since I stopped those activities, he started noticing me more, and the very first time we held hands, he told me that we should stop because we'd get the other guy jealous (the other dude attends same class), and I told him that I didn't have anything going on with that guy, so nothing no be afraid of.
With the other dude, things started to get intense, but I decided that even if he wanted, he's scared to death to admit it, so I don't wanna get involved in some unrequited shit, and stopped flirting with him, and I've been paying attention and he checks out lots of girls, and even though he has tried a couple of times to start over again, now I feel that he's testing my limits rather than flirting, so fuck him.

So maybe I should be more direct with this guy, I'll try to gain some alone time off-school, maybe that will help him overcome fears, or at least let me be more sincere/direct.

Any suggestions as what should I do next? Thanks for reading though.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK.

Well first off, where do you see this going? What do you want? Just a fuck? Boyfriend? What? Some drama and angst over the is he/isn’t he? If you knew, would you act on that? If so what would you do? Hook up? Date?

If he’s in the closet he’s not going to date you. You might get him to sleep with you, but then you run the risk of him freaking out and wanting nothing more to do with you.

Are you in any position to carry on a relationship? That’s as important as the other if you’re looking for something other than sex. If you need to sort your own shit out, you need to do that first. If all you want is some casual sex, closet cases are not the best choices for that either. Too much baggage, too much can go wrong, especially when you have to see each other in another context – and while I’m sure that there are guys in the closet out there who are just fine with the hook up, far more of them are going to have issues. Do you want to deal with those?

You really need to think out the possible consequences of what you’re doing before you do anything irrevocable. I don’t see either of these guys as any kind of serious prospect. You don’t know if they’re gay, or what’s going on in their heads. You’re guessing, and assuming. You’re playing is he/isn’t he in your head, and while the possibility you hope for gives you a rush, you’ll never get anywhere with any guy until one of you makes your intentions clear. Are you prepared to do that? Because if these guys are like you described them, they’re not going first.

One of you will have to take the gamble. Then it becomes reality, with all the unintended consequences reality likes to throw at you – and that’s why you need to think about what might happen, and weigh it against what you want to happen.

It may be that you don’t really know what you want to happen.

Or you can play these games until the stars fall, and never know. Maybe that’s something you want to do, play with the possibility, but not get serious about a resolution. Your choice.

Be careful, back when I was in the closet I’d get drunk and pull all kinds of questionable shit. If anyone had taken me seriously though, I’d have freaked out. Closet guys are for all intents and purposes straight; they’re in the closet because of shit in their own heads that you can’t fix, and has everything to do with what you want from them. Unless they are really close to coming out anyway, they’re not going to jeopardize their camouflage to be your boyfriend.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

First off, TX Beau, there's a lot of info that you supplied. Its overall meaning is well intentioned. I think that it may be a bit too analytical and you are crunching a lot of your personal stuff into a very short span.

To the OP: As was said, trust your psychologist. I get the feeling that you can say what you mean more through these forums. It is a lot easier to unload personal stuff when its anonymous, in a text forum, and you can exit or delete the whole scene. A psych professional will keep everything they are told between you and them. That's part of the deal.

Now then, to the point.

You are coming out. This guy who is sharing hand holding moments with you is probably on the same level. He says he's straight, but his evident actions say volumes more. Does that mean he's gay? No. It could be. All of us that went through the coming out period initially claimed ourselves as straight to avoid ridicule.

Take it easy. Baby steps. Think of what you went through and what you are going through. He's there too, maybe worse, maybe he's more afraid.

What you DO know is that he is reaching out to you. And, you are reaching out to him and he knows it. There's no rush here. Let it take its course. If things are going to happen, they will.

Please update us.

 

[Araigu]

I'm sorry I couldn't update earlier, been kinda busy with exams and whatnot.

I will see my therapist tomorrow, and I've decided that even if I feel uncomfortable, it's also an important part of my coming out and feeling better in my own skin, and she can help me because that's what she studied for. But we'll see how it goes.

@TX-Beau: About what I want to happen, well I wouldn't mind having him as a boyfriend, but I don't wanna rush things, and I'm still kinda trying to find myself, so if it doesn't work, no big deal, I'll move on to someone who might offer something more reciprocal.

I thought about this for a couple of days, and told my girl friend about the messages he's been sending me, and we're both convinced that his attitudes aren't "straight" (well we used the term normal, but that tends to be quite imprecise) and that he is definitely looking for something. She even told me that when she met him, she thought he might have a boyfriend, she says she has a good gaydar, but well, that's not the point here.

Yesterday I didn't have a chance to talk to him, so nothing to update there, but today...

In one of our classes, he was a few benches away, so I smiled at him a few times, making sure he made eye contact, and then, suddenly, he pulled a condom out of his pocket and put it on his desk. I was like :O and he made sure that I could take a good look at what he just pulled out of his pocket, so I decided to play dumb, and asked (well, I made him read my lips since I didn't want to let everybody listen to our conversation) who was that intended for. And he answered, for you. That REALLY surprised me, but anyway I played along, and even though this seemed a bit of a joke, he didn't make any efforts to conceal what he was doing. After wards I kept looking at him at times, and he always responded with a smile or something friendly, but this time was from another seat, since the teacher saw me speaking to him and made me move to another place, so I don't know if he put away the condom.

I told my friend about this, and she was as surprised as I am, I mean, if you isolate the whole situation to a hand-holding child's play, there isn't much to work with, but I reviewed and tried to remember everything he's told me or let me do, and there's definitely something different, and with this condom thing, he's taken a great leap.

So right now I don't know what to do, I really like him, he makes me feel some nice stuff, and that never happened with the other dude, it was more like a sex thing. But with this guy I feel like a lot of chemistry. And well, when the class ended, I talked to him a couple of minutes, and we decided that maybe we should hang out during the weekend.

That's the update so far, and right now I feel surprised, I was looking for something more direct, but I think it was way too fast. And I'm thinking that even in the remote case that he was straight (which I'm doubting a lot right now), this kind of playing may be going too far. But well, I'll see how it goes, I'll try to meet with him and see how it goes, so any advice will be appreciated.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

At this point, I think you know what is going on. That being, mutual flirtation. Any more advice, and its turned into us telling you what to do and you taking less responsibility for your actions.

 

[Araigu]

@halifaxboy: That is quite true, I'll start to play my cards in a more direct but yet subtle way, so that if he wants something I can have a clear answer, but subtle enough so I can act like I was just fooling around to avoid problems.

But on the other hand I could make a move, and if he doesn't answer in the right way, I'll tell him the truth, and that if he truly isn't looking for something, then he ought to stop his games since it messes with my mind, but that we can still be friends.

Right now it's up to me, but I'll leave the post untouched, I mean it may help somebody with their own things.

And thanks a lot, you've been very helpful!