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need opinions

edluver

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I am close friends with mike. Mike and I are bicurious. I would not say hes my boyfriend because neither of us want boyfriends. However, we are very sexual together. Mike has certain issues like low self esteem, anxiety and some form of depression. Every job has ended up with him upset and quitting or being fired. I have known him for like over 5 years. Mike gets a disability check due to mental issues. I am unaware of his exact diagnosis. I suspect he believes he has more issues than he does. He also can have anger issues. Mike is not exactly an alcoholic but he does have problems with drinking. I feel he drinks way too much. He does seem to hold it well though. I hardly ever drink.

After he pays his rent for the room he rents he does have a limited income left
from his check. I have helped him out. We hang out quite often for hours. We enjoy each other's company. He only has a couple other friends. He likes to hang out with friends often. Once in a while, he isolates himself from others. In early December I bought him a cell phone card and he isolated himself from me for several days.
He told me not to take it personally. He saw I was upset by it. He apologized to me and we slept together. A few days later he again brushed me off. This time I ignored his several phone calls and texted him telling him it hurts my feelings when he ignores me. I believe he felt some what upset by me ignoring him.
He later apologized and told me he needs me in his life. He blames his issues for the way he acted.

I admit I care about him. Part of is cause of his issues and I try to be there for him.
He can be a clingy person. Not long ago, I spent time with another friend of mine.
Mike showed up at my door and my brother told him I was out with the other friend. Mike had no cell minutes and no home phone to call me before hand.
Mike's roommate said he seemed jealous of me hanging out with my other friend
2 days in a row. He also punched a hole through the wall where he lives that weekend. I do not believe it was directly linked his possible jealousy of my other friend but his state of mind was not the best then. He also stopped taking his meds a few months ago. He honestly is fine 9O percent of time. He doesnt come
across as having mental issues. Well spoken and well groomed.

I guess I am just looking for some opinions here on how to handle occasional issues with mike. I want him to go get help for drinking and maybe go back into
counseling and maybe even back on meds. I offer to go with him. Mike is a good natured person. He thinks I worry too much. Please know I lost my mother to a drunk driver so I understand that too much drinking can be a problem. (He only drinks at home in the evening and stays in. No driving.) What would u do?

None of my family or other friends are aware that we are bisexual. I have talked to other friends about mikes problems but I cant discuss everything.
 
Mike needs professional help and needs to stay on track with his meds and have regularly scheduled follow up monitoring appointments. It might be that he is not supposed to be mixing the meds with alcohol and that's why he's stopped taking them. It sounds like he is trying to self medicate with alcohol. Gone unchecked and not improved, his behavior will drive you away or drive you crazy. You don't have much choice but to insist he gets back on track with seeing his doctors. Good luck to him and to you.
 
Try the counseling together. Maybe with you there he'll be more comfortable. Having my degree in psychology at age 20, Mike has second-stage depression and needs psychiatric help. If you need more information, ask me in PM.
 
You can't be his friend, his lover and his caretaker. All you can do is continue being his friend, supporting him and encouraging him to get help.

Ultimately, he's an adult and he's responsible for his own issues. His mental health issues don't relieve him of the responsibility of dealing with his problems.

Always keep in mind that they are his problems and there's little that you can do to fix them.
 
I agree in may ways. I cant force him to change if he wont.
He enjoys being intimate with me. He wants to sleep next to me with his arm around me or hold my hand. He says I am important to him. Do u think I should push him a little more to change?
 
No, what you should do now is leave him and never look back. You've already pushed him enough, and it was not effective. Unless you wanna be involved in more drama, you should back out and forget about him. You cannot take responsibility for both your life and his life.

Just leave him, now.
 
No, what you should do now is leave him and never look back. You've already pushed him enough, and it was not effective. Unless you wanna be involved in more drama, you should back out and forget about him. You cannot take responsibility for both your life and his life.

Just leave him, now.

do u think hes using me and does not care about me?
 
do u think hes using me and does not care about me?

I don't know what he has in his mind but one thing I know for sure is that he has major problem and you can't help him solve that problem. Therefore you should just leave it alone and move on. The more you get yourself involved in this, the more you are wasting your time AND his time.
 
Have you had a heart-to-heart with him about how you feel about him and how you feel about these periods when he drinks and doesn't take his meds?
 
Mike sounds severely bi-polar and NEEDS to get back onto his medication, now.
 
Have you had a heart-to-heart with him about how you feel about him and how you feel about these periods when he drinks and doesn't take his meds?

Yes, he fully understands my feelings. He says he likes the taste of beer, etc but its not a major problem. He went to AA meeting about a month ago. He wanted me to go back with him. He now says those meetings are a waste. He did talk about going to a new dr like 2 days ago. He says those meds put weight on him. Over the summer he would sometimes smoke pot with an ex roommate. I told him I believed this guy was trouble but he brushed me off. After about 3 months, he told me I was right and cut him off. He said he wanted nothing to do with him. Well hes back on mike's facebook. mike told me last nite he went to a buddy's house to smoke pot and drink. I believe it was the bad guy. I think hes being low key as to who it is.

I am waiting to talk to mike about all my concerns again with tears in my eyes.
Do you think it may work? He hugs me often and wants to be physical with me.
I am hoping seeing me emotional will help. He told me he dreams of me sometimes including the other nite when I was sleeping with him. please tell me your thoughts. Thanks.
 
Yes, he fully understands my feelings....mike told me last nite he went to a buddy's house to smoke pot and drink. I believe it was the bad guy...

I am waiting to talk to mike about all my concerns again with tears in my eyes.
Do you think it may work? He hugs me often and wants to be physical with me.
I am hoping seeing me emotional will help. He told me he dreams of me sometimes including the other nite when I was sleeping with him. please tell me your thoughts. Thanks.

I am afraid if I practically cut him off he will get worse.

Beware of codependence.

To reiterate something in my earlier post...

It's great that you have a friend that you feel close to and that you've developed an intimate relationship with.

But, your friend has problems. And you're falling into the trap of trying to fix his problems or not confronting his problems for fear that you will make them worse.

You can be supportive. You can be encouraging. But these are his problems, not yours. It's not up to you to fix him. He has to fix himself.

Don't let your need to love and nurture set you up for a codependent relationship with someone who is unstable and needy. It's not a relationship between equals.
 
Thanks ! he was adopted at age 6 months and knows nothing bout his birth family. He seems to feel adoptive father never gave him attention and may have verbally put him down. I believe hes a good person with issues. When he nexts hugs me is when I will have real talk with him and tell him I am gonna be there but he needs to take first step.
He was talking about his issues the other nite to me. I think he is secretly asking for help. About 2 months ago his landlord complained about a minor thing in front of me and his roommates. Mike got angry but eventually broke down crying in front of us saying he had a drinking problem. Another time his landlord accused him of something he did not do and he ended up in the hospital crying with a panic attack. I took him to the beach and he was so excited he picked up the seashells everywhere. He says hes blessed I am part of his life.
Do u think hes secretly crying for help? There is only so much I can talk to other friends and family about without telling our secret.
 
Mike is a mess.

And what you are describing to me sounds more like co-dependence rather than real friendship.

Mike is the principal partner in achieving his best state of mental health and he can't use you as a go-to if he doesn't want to stay sober, stay in therapy and take his meds for his mental illness.

He isn't secretly crying for yelp. He's yelling out loud for it.

Do both Mike and you a favour. Help him get into AA. Help him get connected/re-connected with a mental health provider and just stay casual friends.
 
What are your opinions on Mike refusing to speak to the marijuana guy for 3 months and now it appears they r communicating again? He just mentioned the other day this dude named chad was an asshole who got him so upset.
I haven't had a chance to talk to mike yet bout this but I am thinking this is another sign of him being unstable. Agree?
 
What are your opinions on Mike refusing to speak to the marijuana guy for 3 months and now it appears they r communicating again? He just mentioned the other day this dude named chad was an asshole who got him so upset.
I haven't had a chance to talk to mike yet bout this but I am thinking this is another sign of him being unstable. Agree?

The problem is that you're focusing on specific behaviors instead of stepping back and looking at his overall behavior patterns- focusing on the trees, instead of on the forest.

He has very complicated issues that are beyond your ability to manage. And his substance use problems are just cofactors in what appears to be larger personality disorders.
 
Wow That seems familiar to me since I suffer Social Anxiety Disorder and Depression.

And that advice about leaving him and never look back it seemed so cruel to me, I hope you can be a great friend try to be undestanding and don't treat people like they're disposable when they're at their worst.

Depression is a relentless disease that takes over your brain, it has a cure and it needs to be treated don't give up on him, taking with a pro.

The advice of cutting him off is well intentioned on my part but it may seem harsh on him. I wont give up on him but just need to make some minor changes to help both of us. Changes he wont really notice much. Since you have similar problems,
how familiar are u with what I described so far?
 
Give up on him?!? If you can't be friends at arms distance with someone who's causing you all this drama, you are part of the problem.

You are trying to be his parent, taking responsibility for the "...need to make some minor changes to help both of us..."

SUGAR, YOU need to make some pretty serious changes if you don't want blowback from this.

You're in here pretty much asking us to commiserate over all the separate instances of his volitile behavior, to render theories about it, to discuss it, probably to pat you on the back about it - but you know what, WE have no clue what he's doing, why, or what his mental issues are.

WE can't comment on any of that. All WE see is you enabling him, ignoring people who gave you very very very very well intentioned advice to get some distance and worry about your own damn self.

You can't help him, you're in the crazy boat with him pretending it's not going down, the question is will you help yourself?

Sure you can be there for him - so long as you don't get involved with his crazy.

But you aren't going to do that are you?
 
The problem is that you're focusing on specific behaviors instead of stepping back and looking at his overall behavior patterns- focusing on the trees, instead of on the forest.

He has very complicated issues that are beyond your ability to manage. And his substance use problems are just cofactors in what appears to be larger personality disorders.

Once again, Kara beat me to it, the bastard.
 
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