Need Serious Advice (Relationship Problems)

[Mandela84]

First off I apologize for the length of this post. I also apologize if it is scattered, but my thoughts are just running so much together are this point, I just really needed to vent and receive some advice.

I've been dating a guy for the past five months. Its a long distance relationship (we live almost 5 hours a part). We met online and hit it off very quickly. I went to visit him about two months ago, and we had a wonderful time together. Since them, our relationship has been a nightmare.

As some of you might recall, there are an STD scare the week I got back from visiting him. That turned out to be a false alarm for the both of us, but I can't help but feel like it was him trying to find an easy way out of the relationship. Both of us are stuck being extremely moody, depressed and fighting with each other almost constantly now. Anyways back to the story:

Week after that, he was supposed to come and visit me. Long story short, he had a family member die, which required his attendance. I was understanding, but there were some problems with this whole trip, mainly in the fact that his story didn't add up about his flights. I did a bit of poking around and called him out on it, to which he responded with the "if you don't trust me, we can't do this" card. I apologized and then went on my way.

Next week, he apologized and informed me of some things in his life that he felt that if I had known when I started dating him, I would have gotten rid of him. These things prevent him sometimes from visiting me. I am fine with that. However, the following 2 weeks, he was busy with these things. So at the month mark, he is supposed to come up and visit me - and doesn't. I can't even remember the excuse now.

Then he was supposed to come before Spring Break - again nothing. Said it was too expensive. Then the next week, another family member got in an accident. However, I found out that he was lying to me about that at least partially. Now this week has came and we have had a major falling out. He was scheduled to come again, but now says he can't because of work and the fact that the people he is living with are kicking him out (because I called the house late at night fighting with him one night and they are pretty homophobic).

I feel partially to blame for him getting kicked out now. But I can't help but just continue to question where this relationship is going. I am seriously a basket case at the moment because I just don't understand whats happening. Can anyone relate?

Many of my friends advise me to just kick him to the curb and move on. But I truly genuinely love this guy and want to make it work. How can I make this work?

 

[G-Lexington]

You're right to question where this relationship is going, as it appears (to this gargoyle's eyes) like it's going absolutely nowhere.

How can you make it work? Only by utterly changing his personality until he's a guy who is more trusting, less deceitful, and more interested in having you play a more prominent role in his life. But that ain't gonna happen.

All signs point to this being an utter dead end. You can keep pushing on in this relationship if you'd like, but I don't think it's in the cards.

Lex

 

[WYSIWYG]

A relationship evolves around honesty, respect, and trust. Whether you love him or not is not the problem now. If he went to a family funeral and had to take a flight, I would want to know when he is leaving and when he is returning, out of caring for him! I think to lie to you and disrespect you in this way tells you already what his relationship is with you.

Isn't it as expensive for you to visit him as it is for him to drive up to see you? Seems like a very lame excuse to me, but I do not know all of the circumstances.

I was in a one-way relationship for almost six years. My 'bf' always asked for things, which I brought him all the time. We would always kiss and share the same bed, but when it came time to be intimate, he would roll over. He was only intimate when he wanted it, and then after I satisfied him, he would leave me with blue balls! I stayed with him because I thought I loved him and put up with his bullshit. After almost 6 years he dumped me!!! I did nothing to provoke this action from him. I was pissed for months and then realized the love I thought I had for him was only in my head.

Tough to love someone when your the only one with loving feelings.

I do not think you need to feel guilty about him having to move out of his apartment. He caused the problem and not you. And like Lex says, this is not going to work now or into the future for you.

Your young and there is a guy out there waiting for you, trust me. And he will be the man you have been seeking and he will love you in the way you want to be loved and you will do the same for him.

 

[rareboy]

Many of my friends advise me to just kick him to the curb and move on. But I truly genuinely love this guy and want to make it work. How can I make this work?

Let me be blunt. You do not truly love this guy. You hardly know him since you've spent almost no time together.

It is either lust or obsession or a need to win.

You can't make it work.

He's pathological. You are experiencing Stockholm syndrome.

End it. Right now.

 

[KaraBulut]

Many of my friends advise me to just kick him to the curb and move on.

Friends are often right.

This time they are.

But I truly genuinely love this guy and want to make it work. How can I make this work?

You can't.

You can work on figuring out why you want to be in such a dysfunctional relationship so that you don't repeat this mistake again.

 

[Mandela84]

Thanks for the advice, though I saw it coming from a mile away.

We had a long talk last night about everything. We decided that we were going to start all over, as if we hadn't been dating, and came up with a plan to make each other happy. I also found out a lot of the reason why he is/was so distant at times, and while I won't discuss it out of respect for him, I can say that, his last boyfriend put him through a lot of things that no human should have to endure, and it absolutely destroyed his ability to trust and confide in people.

We are taking an entirely new approach to everything. We talked about the things that we didn't like in each other and discussed openly and honestly how to fix them. Obviously, his biggest peeve against me was the fact that I am way too needy (I totally agree with him here) and that I need to relax and stop worrying about every little thing. He understood why I worried so much given the lies he told, but he swore up and down that it was merely his own stupidity and inability to trust that caused all of this.

If I had any inkling or belief that he was cheating on me, I would have dumped him long ago. I think this is something truly bigger - maybe I am stupid but I feel the need to help him work through these problems he has. He has put himself back on his depression medication, and I can already tell a huge difference in his demeanor and personality. I guess we both just didn't realize how much his ex screwed his wiring up, until we started dating seriously. His biggest fear is that I'm going to do what his ex did to him (which I'd never ever do to anyone, not even a Bin Laden etc).

And no offense to those that say I don't know what love is or that I can't love him because I've spent no time with him. Granted I've spent very little physical time with him, but I just know that he is the one for me. I've known it since I first met him and I continue to know it right now. We talk on the phone for hours each night, talk online, email each other. The only thing that we don't do is have physical contact with each other on a weekly basis. And we've both promised to change that no matter how hard it is for the both of us.

Thank you all for letting me vent. I needed it yesterday. It definitely cleared my head up to allow me to discuss this stuff with him without getting angry.

 

[KaraBulut]

And no offense to those that say I don't know what love is or that I can't love him because I've spent no time with him

No one is saying that you don't love him. What we're saying is that sometimes love just isn't enough.

You've done something very important in opening the lines of communication. It's also a good thing that he opened up about all of the stuff that he's been keeping bottled up.

I hope it goes well for both of you.