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Need some advice to help my closeted cousin

M

Molitor69

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So here it goes. I come from a very close minded ridiculous family. With that said though, I have to admit that my contemporary cousins and the like are quite open and accepting of the gay lifestyle. I had a very hard time coming out, but here I am and as I have been told by some relatives I am trail blazing for anyone else in my family. I can safely say that I am the ONLY out person in my family. Now Here is where the issue arises. I have a cousin that I absolutely adore as a person and look at him like a little brother (always have). In any event like 4 or 5 years ago I pretty much lent my house to him and his family while they attended my sisters wedding. Long story short they missed their flight and I lent him my laptop to look for flights the next day. I was not out to them at that point and I was very good at covering my tracks so the computer was clean as a whistle. Next day they flew back and as I checked my email I noticed JUB in my history. I knew nothing of JUB back then and it had to be him. I kept my mouth shut and my suspicions to myself brushing it off as a glitch, but looking further into it I noticed pages in history I could not access due to login access. At that point couldn't be a glitch.
1 year later I came out to him and his brother and they were awesome about it. Funny though this particular cousin hardly reacted, I could tell he was hiding his reaction. He is good at that. This past weekend I flew up to NYC where he and his brother live and he kindly let my partner and I take over his room for a couple of days. I couldn't figure out how to grab the wifi so I used his computer briefly to send an email and do some last minute work. His laptop was super clean of anything, no pics, no music, nothing so I did a little digging. Bam there it was JUB and a few other gay porn sites with log in access so history couldn't be searched. Also there was perez hilton sites and other celebrity gossip, lol. Later that day the laptop was gone and he spent the night somewhere. He kind of just went missing and his phone went to voicemail. His bro even found it odd, but he turned up at like 7am when we came back from clubbing and kept the party rolling till about 9-10am (damn I love NYC). So l'll wrap this up. I see myself in him. I remember when I was so in the closet it hurt. To top it off my cousin came to this country with his parents at the age of 5. His parents were able to sort out their residency, but it was too late for him. His older bro luckily got married, but he hasn't figured anything out yet. He only knows this country. He works and pays taxes. Unfortunately the only way he'll get legal is through marriage to a woman. He hasn't had a girlfriend in like forever. Yeah he'll have a fling here and there I am sure to keep the rumors down (been there!), but he hasn't gone any further or had a long term relationship. He's 24 now and if I am correct about his situation it's a sucky one. I want to just say it's ok and help him come out. I know many lesbians who wouldn't mind being his mustache for a little while and help him out in the process. I have kept this to myself, but if anyone has thoughts on the matter I appreciate it. I know his dad is as bad or worse than mine so I understand his reluctance. His mom on the other hand I see as more understanding than mine. His brother and sisters are and would be awesome. I don't have everything in here that would pin him as gay, but let's just go with it. I know many will say well you don't really know and should wait for him to come out to me. I get it and in the end that is the route I will take, but I'd like to cue him in that I'm in the know. Just can't really pin him down to do that. He's got my radar going off for years now. Especially when I was not even out to him and randomly in the bathroom during my sisters wedding he caught my partner and I alone in the bathroom and alluded that he knew about us (had some drinks in him, lol). I was shocked, but I was almost out at that point and didn't think much about it. I'm also amazing at redirecting a conversation to avoid that subject. At least I was when I had to do that. In any event thanks in advance for the advice and or comments. In the event my cousin is reading this: Love you cuz and I got your back in any event.

Side note from this weekend - I found out that my best friend's sister is also a closeted lesbian. Had a long train ride with her. Told her about my coming out process and she opened up to me a bit. It felt great - Now let's hope NY starts allowing gay marriage! One more vote! :=D:
 
Stop spying on him. Ask him point blank about his immigration status and whether is due for deportation. Long before that deadline I'd let him know that you have a lesbian friend who would marry him until he was legal.
That's tricky business. I know someone who was denied citizenship because he and his wife don't live together.
 
Thanks, first time wasn't spying. Only spied once, and not going to again. He is not being deported at the moment, but could happen in a routine traffic stop if he was in Arizona. Gonna talk to him about my lesbian friend. He has a friend of his sisters that would do it, but she's a bit in love with him and he's quite hesitant to do it. He'd have to come out to avoid issues. Definitely would have to live together and have joint bank accounts, share expenses like car insurance, etc.
 
I was being direct. Didn't mean to come across shrill. When we really care for someone we sometimes all, me included, need to be reminded of boundaries. He's lucky to have you in his life. I forgot to write that in my original response. Good luck to him!
 
Sorry to hear, but you should let him come to you. He knows about you already, but let him do it his way. When the time is right he will come to you. His immigration status does suck though, but having a beard is not as easy as it seems. Like what he said above, if they find out he will get denied. I live in a family where I don't have anyone with my situation to talk to. I don't know anyone who is openly gay in my whole family. I am not ready to chance it by telling my family especially if he still rely on his family for fundings.
 
Your heart is in the right place but his problems are not your problems. That includes his immigration issues. That includes his sexuality issues.

You are his friend and his cousin. You should not step beyond those boundaries.
 
i Think I would have a chat to him about you and how you were closeted and what you went through and your coming out story without alluding to knowing anything about him or even relating it to his sexuality. Then if he is ready to seek your help he will, but don't shake him out of the closet, it is up to him when he is ready to make that move.
 
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