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Need some Advice

D

dantes7th

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Hi everybody,

I'm new to the forum (not to the site) but I wanted to get a little advice. Ok so here's my problem:

I'm about to turn 20 in a month and last friday my girlfriend/fiance of 3 years broke up with me for mutual reasons. Now that I'm single I figured this would be the perfect time to stop lying to myself. I've been into guys since before I hit puberty so I know beyond a doubt that I'm gay. I guess I was kind of forcing myself to be straight. But I guess my question then is how or when would be the best time to come out?

If you need further information. I'll be happy to oblige.
 
Welcome to (the posting side of) JUB! :wave:

There aren't any hard and fast rules for coming out. To my way of thinking, coming out is simply something to get beyond. Because once you're out, you can date freely, you don't have to watch your words with your friends and family, and you can just basically be yourself. So just think of the closet door as something to get to the other side of. You can open it and walk out, you can kick it down, you can slip out quietly or loudly.

A good rule of thumb is also to start with those closest to you and/or that you feel will be most supportive. It becomes easier as you come out to more people, so it's best to start with people who will help make it easier. Don't feel you have to "rank your friends", or that "family must come before friends". If you come out to that weird guy at work first, that's fine - it's one out of the way. :)

Lex
 
Wow lex beat me to it... Welcome, you will feel so much better when you come out it is amazing... Also if you dont want to have to sit down with everyone and tell him you can tell your friends and family then just sort of give your friends the go ahead to spread it around. thats what i did
 
dantes7th said:
...I guess my question then is how or when would be the best time to come out?
Click to expand...

You already did the most important part when you said to yourself, "...stop lying to myself. I've been into guys since before I hit puberty...". It takes some guys years, sometimes decades to get that far.

What you have to evaluate for the next part is something that is very unique to you and your situation.

Some guys just chose to stop changing genders (or using the "the person" or "they" instead of "he" when taking about dating) in conversations and start casually saying, "my boyfriend" when speaking to friends, coworkers and family. There's no formal announcement- it's just like one days the truth is out there and it's not a big deal.

Some guys make it formal and have a conversation with friends and family where they make a big announcement of "I'm gay". Some do this with a group annoucement, some do it with individual conversations and some do it with a combination of individual conversations and group announcements.

I have one friend that invited friends over for a party to announce that he was coming out of the closet and he was gay. It was so much fun that he has an annual "I'm gay" coming out party now. The party invitations are always hysterical. Everyone still acts surprised each year.

So, you have to find your own way based upon your needs and the needs of the important people in your life. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now and you still need some time to start figuring things out with a new identity as a gay man. Take your time- there's no rush.
 
G-Lexington said:
just think of the closet door as something to get to the other side of. You can open it and walk out, you can kick it down, you can slip out quietly or loudly.
Click to expand...


It helped alot when I read that. It really makes it sound a lot easier, but everyone is right. I think for now I'm just going to take things one day at a time and keep focusing on making good grades. I won't enjoy puting this on the backburner so to speak, but all least it will give me more time to gauge who to tell and when, if that makes sense. Thanks for the peace-of mind :-)
 
dantes7th said:
Hi everybody,

I'm new to the forum (not to the site) but I wanted to get a little advice. Ok so here's my problem:

I'm about to turn 20 in a month and last friday my girlfriend/fiance of 3 years broke up with me for mutual reasons. Now that I'm single I figured this would be the perfect time to stop lying to myself. I've been into guys since before I hit puberty so I know beyond a doubt that I'm gay. I guess I was kind of forcing myself to be straight. But I guess my question then is how or when would be the best time to come out?

If you need further information. I'll be happy to oblige.
Click to expand...

First of all, I applaud the honesty you're having with yourself. Glad to hear you've fully accepted it.

Who exactly are you planning to tell? All your friends and family? If so, what are your expectations for both?
 
Basically everyone I talk to that means something to me. Family; yes. Friends; yes. As far as expectations go. Just to be treated the same way I am now. Specifically, I don't want to lose my friends just because I came out. Some of my friends are, well how do I say this without type-casting, ok. For example, my best friend of 6 years now is in the military and he's a "man's man," he conservative and not all into the same-sex marriage idea. That aside, my expectation for him is that I don't lose him as a best friend, and that things don't change between us because I'm out. the same goes for all my friends. As for family expectations, my main concern there is not to get disowned. I already know my dad is anti-gay. (I figured it out when I did a research paper on same-sex marriage and used him as a source) To be honest, it's a little nerve-racking thinking about it. But I hope in time everyone will learn to accept it and things can return to "normal" so to speak.
 
dantes7th said:
Basically everyone I talk to that means something to me. Family; yes. Friends; yes. As far as expectations go. Just to be treated the same way I am now. Specifically, I don't want to lose my friends just because I came out. Some of my friends are, well how do I say this without type-casting, ok. For example, my best friend of 6 years now is in the military and he's a "man's man," he conservative and not all into the same-sex marriage idea. That aside, my expectation for him is that I don't lose him as a best friend, and that things don't change between us because I'm out. the same goes for all my friends. As for family expectations, my main concern there is not to get disowned. I already know my dad is anti-gay. (I figured it out when I did a research paper on same-sex marriage and used him as a source) To be honest, it's a little nerve-racking thinking about it. But I hope in time everyone will learn to accept it and things can return to "normal" so to speak.
Click to expand...

Hm.. considering the circumstances, I would precede with caution. I'm not one to believe that when a person comes out, they need to have the whole 'I'm coming out and fuck anyone who doesn't like it' state of mind. There's the "Those who mind" thing, but every situation can't be resolved with a simple quote. Put together what matters most between each person you have a relationship with, and what you could potentially lose by coming out. Then with that in mind, determine the risks of actually losing these things and decide whether or not coming out to each person is worth it.

I'd say at least come out to a few people who you know will be okay with it. That may alleviate some negative feelings you're currently experiencing with bottling it up inside. For me, just having one of my close friends knowing about me made a world of difference. Someone I could talk to, someone who knew the truth about me. And then when I came out to my all my friends and family shortly thereafter.. well, that is an incredible feeling. Hope you get to experience that.
 
I really hope I can one day be honest with everybody. I like to think I'm good at dropping hints without actually telling the truth. which is what I will probably do with my best friend in the military. To be honest I know one best friend I can tell. Recently, another one of my friends came out that he was bi and my best friend (she) had called me to tell me that he came out. We discussed it a little and both came to the conclusion that no matter what he was he still loved him as a friend and just wanted to see him happy, although it wasn't him that outrightly told us he was bi we were a little sad that he didn't tell us directly, but we still love him. So long story short, when my best friend in the military comes back, I'll know we're going to hang out and stuff so during that time I'll have time to really gauge his reaction by asking him a question like "what would you say if one of your friends is gay?" or something or other. and if he starts getting out of hand at least I can sort of deflect it and make it sound like I was talking about my bi friend. *sigh* It hurts me to lie though...
 
Also i think that people might surprise you...my dad admitted to being very homophobic but he said he completely got over when he realised i was gay (way before i told him)...... sometimes it only takes knowing one person to change someones perceptive
 
BlondeCanadian said:
Also i think that people might surprise you...my dad admitted to being very homophobic but he said he completely got over when he realised i was gay (way before i told him)...... sometimes it only takes knowing one person to change someones perceptive
Click to expand...

Yep, I had several different aunts and uncles who were originally opposed to it, but opened up more upon me coming out.
 
*sigh* It hurts me to lie though...
Click to expand...

In more ways than you'll ever know.

Here's the deal. Tell him anyway. If he can't accept it, you've lost nothing. If you lie to him, you lose everything.
 
>>>Also i think that people might surprise you...my dad admitted to being very homophobic but he said he completely got over when he realised i was gay (way before i told him)...... sometimes it only takes knowing one person to change someones perceptive

BC brings up a good point here.

I have yet to meet anybody who is homophobic via experience. Somebody who said "I was friends with a few gay guys, and I grew to realize how terrible they all were". Instead, they're homophobic via ignorance. To these people, gays are "them". Some shapeless, nameless figures that they assume they've never come into contact with, and never will. But if it's revealed that somebody they know is gay - somebody that they've gotten to know before they could reject them at the outset - it forces them to reexamine their beliefs. "Well, I've always said gays are like this, or like that. But Fred is gay. And he's a nice guy. What's that mean?" It's true that some will stubbornly cling to their old beliefs over having to reassess them based on this new information. But from what I've seen, these people are in a distinct minority. Most instead soften their stance. It's true it's often begrudgingly - "you're one of the good ones" - but it's a step in the right direction. And in fact, this is how homophobia has been eroding over the past few decades. One person at a time.

Lex
 
In more ways than you'll ever know.

Here's the deal. Tell him anyway. If he can't accept it, you've lost nothing. If you lie to him, you lose everything.
Click to expand...

Well put. I may not have wanted to hear it, but I sure needed to. Thanks for that. But I think my main thing with him, is just that I don't want to lose him. But Lex and BC also bring up great points. I mean, the best thing I can do is just let people know, and gradually or instantly, they'll accept me for who I really am. I think my main problem accepting the fact that I just need to tell him is that as it is I'm not a very social person and with the friends that I do have I adore them. They mean much more to me than I think they really know (I could be wrong) And the sheer thought of losing a friend much less a best friend is a little devastating. Agh! I think I'll just AIM him later in the week and hint at it...
 
Think about this for a minute. If I were to ask this guy why he was your friend, what would he say? Probably something like one of the following:

"He's fun."
"I can really talk to him."
"He's a blast to be around."
"We think along the same lines."
"He's always there for me."
"He really listens when I need him to."

You know what he won't say? "He's straight." He's not your friend just because he thinks you're straight. So presumably, that won't change when he finds out you're gay. There MIGHT be a period of readjustment as he gets used to it. That's fine. You've had years to get used to it - he's allowed to take some time to do so, as well. But he'll presumably be back to regarding you as "just dante" fairly quickly.

My basic feeling is that if you're closeted to your friends, you don't have friends. You have "guys you hang out with". Because friends can talk about things like this. You don't have to go into graphic detail about your love life if it makes him uncomfortable, of course, but you should be able to say "I met a new guy" the same way he says "I met a new girl".

Lex
 
You've gotten some very sage advice from Lex, Rareboy, and others in this thread. It sounds like you're taking it to heart. That's great! Keep up the good work.

Be proud of who you are.

Don't let anyone else decide who you should be or how you should act.
 
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