Need Some Advice...

[shaneripley81]

About a month ago, I met a guy in my area via a gay hookup site. We met up and had a great evening together. At the time, I explained to him that I was currently in an open-relationship with my boyfriend, so our interactions would have to remain casual and that we could be FWB, if he could handle that. He said that although he was looking for a boyfriend, he was fine just fooling around with me from time to time without expecting a relaitionship in return. Well, we did have sex a few more times after that, but mostly we would just talk and became close as friends.

Last weekend, my boyfriend and I decided to now be 100% monogomous with each other and to put the open-relationship behind us as we look towards our future together. When I told my friend that we could no longer sleep together, he said that he was fine with that. A couple days later he told me that he didn't want to see me again because he had developed feelings for me and just being friends would hurt too much. I told him that I still wanted the friendship, but if it casued him pain, I would leave him alone. That's when he started emailing and texting me that he wasn't worth anything and that I should just forget about him. He started to scare me with the tone of his messages, so I made him promise me that he would be okay separating for awhile and that he souldn't do anything to hurt himself. He said that he would be okay and that was the last I heard from him. That was last night.

Tonight, I started getting texts from his best friend that he was in the hospital and was in stable condition but wasn't waking up. He apparently took something and the doctors aren't sure what it was and why he would do this to himself. I honestly feel like shit, though I don't know what I could've done to prevent this. I knew he had dealt with depression before in his life, I just didn't know it had gotten to that point that my not being able to be with him was enough to push him over the edge. I really care about this guy, but I have only know him for about a month. I feel so responsible for what has happened. I hope he pulls through this.

Any advice?

 

[Seasoned]

You are not responsible. We don't usually know much about a person after knowing someone for a month. He wasn't honest with you. He apparently was a lot more fragile than he let on. He needs to take his issues to a therapist. If you're not able to recover from your guilt you may have to do the same.

 

[justanothershyguy]

You did what you could at this point. He was not completely honest with you about his feelings towards you. I'm sure he tried hard to stop but it's not always easy. Don't beat yourself up over it, there's nothing you could have done to change what happened without potentially making it any worse.

 

[Rolyo85]

Nobody can put the responsibility of their own happiness and well-being on someone else. You might be the reason for his actions, but that doesn't make you responsible. He owns himself and he owns his decisions. It's a sucky situation and you're not gonna feel better because we tell you to, but do understand that it is NOT your fault. I would recommend staying away from that situation entirely, and if he wakes up (let's hope he does), and seeks you out, to curtly tell him you are not comfortable communicating with him at this time, and that he needs to seek help from someone actually qualified to help him.

 

[shaneripley81]

Thank you for the advice.

A couple hours ago, his friend emailed me that he was on a breathing machine, slipping in and out of consciencousness. They think he took a combination of three different pain drugs in uncertain amounts. They did pump his stomach, but by the time they found him, most of it had already absorbed into his system. Hoping that he pulls through, they are concerned about long-term side-effects. Also, there was a letter in an envelope in his front pocket addressed to me that his family want me to see before anyone else reads it. His friend told me that I need to be strong for him and to keep him and his family in my thoughts and prayers.

Honestly, I am unsure of what I should do. I know it wasn't my fault for what happened, but I still feel horrible. If he does pull through, I don't think I want to see him again. Does that make me a terrible person? Personally, I cannot handle this anymore. I have my own problems to worry with and though I am so sorry for what has happened, I cannot change what he did. If he pulls through, I don't know I could be friends with someone who attempted suicide over the fact that I couldn't commit to a relationship with them. I want to do the right thing...I just am unsure of what that is.

 

[crushinonted]

You're definitely not a terrible person. I would probably be pissed at him were I in your situation. I would suggest avoiding all contact with him. If he wakes up and you try to be there for him, me may take it as a sign of renewed interest in him. He's got family and friends to support him through this time. Don't read the letter. It can only make you feel worse. You've known each other for a few weeks, have probably only met up a few times, and he singles you out in a suicide note? Fuck that. He's a dick!

 

[thefishinthesea23]

This guy sounds like an emotional vampire. Don't fall into his trap shaneripley81. If you let him he will suck the life out of you just so he can get what he wants. It is probably best for him to just forget about you as well. Of course we are assuming the cause of this was the relationship you two had.

 

[shaneripley81]

Again, thanks for the advice and insight.

His best friend texted me this morning, telling me that if he does pull through, he's gonna need as much support as possible from his friends and family. The only family he has in the area is his mom and his brother, and his only friends are his best friend and me. (He apparently has several friends on the opposite coast as well.) He has ex of 16 years won't talk to him (they broke up 2 years ago). His best friend says that he is used to people abandoning him in his life, and that he isn't friends with people long because of his moods and past suicide attempts. She told me that she wasn't trying to guilt me into staying friends with him, but was hoping that I would at least consider it. I told her that if I decided to stay in his life, he would have to embrace his recovery, take his meds, and see a therapist. I also told her that if I decide to remain friends with him and he attempts suicide again, I would be done with him.

I haven't made up my mind as of yet of what to do. I do want that letter, though his family wants to read it after I do. Not sure how I feel about that.
Right now, I just want him to pull through this and be okay, whether I remain his friend or not.
Haven't heard any news since this morning...

 

[silentalk]

I know most guys would advice against this, but I think you should try and be next to him while he recovers.

Before I explain, I want you to know I agree with the guys who said that this isn't your fault. There's nothing you could've done. Be more positive about all this, and realize you can make a difference here.

Now, this guys obviously suffered a lot. You said that his ex of 16 years won't talk to him, and that he's used to people abandoning him, and that he has no friends. Please don't add yourself to that list. He probably tried to kill himself because, after your case, he lost all hope. While you might not be the true reason for his suicide attempt, to him, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Sometimes, to some people, suffering can become too much that life becomes pointless. The way to help those is by showing them hope; by surrounding them with positive energy. We don't do that by abandoning them, that will only prove their point that life isn't worth living.

I'm not saying that you should help him at the cost of your own happiness. I'm just saying that we, human beings, all of us, should have each others' backs. If you're next to him during the next few weeks, any idea that he had of himself being worthless, hated, unwanted, and many more negative ideas can be reduced and even eliminated. You do that by telling him positive stuff about himself, and reminding him of the good qualities he has. If he really meant something to you, even a little, let him know it. If you decide to go down that path, you need to make it clear to him that you won't be in a relationship with him, and you may need to remind him of that time and again. Do so gently. You also need to make sure that he understands that the reason of you not being his BF has nothing to do with him, otherwise we're back to square one.

You might have not been the problem here, but you could be a part of the solution. It requires a bit of a sacrifice on your part, I understand.

Good luck

 

[shaneripley81]

Thanks silentalk for the advice. A lot of what you said is how I am thinking right now, and yeah, I have decided to continue to be his friend and help him by being there for him. I don't want to be like everyone else in his life...if he was a terrible person, I could easily walk away. He is a good person with a lot to offer others as a friend and, hopefully someday, as a partner to someone. I want to continue to be a good friend to him and help to improve the way he sees himself.

His friend texted me a little while ago to tell me that he has improved and was fully conscience now. They are taking out the breathing tube tonight, but he has to stay in the hospital until Monday on observation. I am so happy that he is doing better.

 

[silentalk]

Thanks silentalk for the advice. A lot of what you said is how I am thinking right now, and yeah, I have decided to continue to be his friend and help him by being there for him. I don't want to be like everyone else in his life...if he was a terrible person, I could easily walk away. He is a good person with a lot to offer others as a friend and, hopefully someday, as a partner to someone. I want to continue to be a good friend to him and help to improve the way he sees himself.

His friend texted me a little while ago to tell me that he has improved and was fully conscience now. They are taking out the breathing tube tonight, but he has to stay in the hospital until Monday on observation. I am so happy that he is doing better.

I'm glad to hear that . That way of thinking right there shows why human beings are so awesome