Need Some Help

[sqjs00]

I'll try to keep this short. I really don't know what the right thing is to do in my situation so I thought I would post here!

Last August I went home to visit my parents from school. It was nice to see them, but I didn't enjoy it because I was not out to them and I didn't have any gay friends at home so there was really no place that I could go to and just really be myself. I'm from Montana, and there are no gay clubs or gay friendly areas in my town so I spent quite a lot of time on the internet browsing gay forums like these and chatting to my friends online.

One day I was out seeing one of my girl friends and having a really good time. At about 6:00 I walk into the door and my dad was sitting in the living room. I said Hi and sat down and looked at the TV and I noticed that he was still looking at me. He asked if I was comfortable talking with him about everything, blah blah. I'll spare you the details, but it boils down like this. He was watching TV and saw an ad for an online thing. Instead of going to the office and using his computer he just picked up my laptop and found some porn on there and also saw that I had (accidentally) left my browser open to this site.

We talked for about 2 or 3 hours. After he established that he still loved me no matter what, he started asking me if I thought it was possible for me to become straight. I said I knew that it wasn't, and that even if I could I didn't want to because being gay has made me who I am. He asked why I had to be gay and be the person that I was, and I responded that he wouldn't understand because he wasn't "like me."

This is where I need help.

He used to be a pastor, and so now he is going to Christian Bookstores to try and find something that might help me convert to heterosexuality. He calls me and asks me how I am, if I'm seeing anyone.. but when I say yes or even that I met someone that I thought was attractive that day, he reminds me that it is a sin and he hopes that I make the "right choice."

I love my parents no matter what they think, but I am getting tired of this. What can I do that will help my dad understand that nothing is going to change and that I like who/what I am? Is this just a phase that he is going through, or is he going to keep trying to find some way that he can make me switch? I told him that I didn't want to, and have reminded him a few times and yet he still persists.

Any help on what the heck to do would be much appreciated. Thanks

 

[Rand]

Science has been looking into the biological source of gay sexuality.

http://www.kansascity.com/news/nation/story/237676.html

is one such story. Maybe if you found a few of those to establish the "it is not a choice" framework. Then, add to that some articles about respectable people who are gay:

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/news/articles/2005-5329.html

http://www.campkc.com/campkc-content.php?Page_ID=629

Then check in the Religion and Spirituality forum for posts about what the bible really says.

Like:

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=175757

In that forum, you will also find some preachers and others that are knowledgeable about the bible and can direct you to additional information.


Good luck,
Rand

 

[G-Lexington]

There are people who seem to be both semi-accepting/loving AND confused about the whole thing. Your father seems to be one of those. It can be frustrating, but let's face it - better loving than hating, right?

Only one DON'T, I think. Don't attack his beliefs or faith. That won't help your case in the slightest.

The analogy I use is "footwalker". I was born to walk on my feet. It's the most natural way for me to get around. Maybe I'm "supposed" to walk on my hands. Maybe most other people walk around on their hands. And I think with a lot of practice, I could be taught to walk around on my hands. But I'll never really be comfortable doing so. I'll always want to walk on me feet, and I'll always default to it. And life will be a lot easier and happier for me if I just am allowed to walk on my feet, rather than trying to make people "happy" by walking on my hands.

You say your father "used to be" a pastor. What happened? Did he leave the ministry, marry, have a child? If so, bring that up. Ask him how he knew that was the right decision for him...?

Lex

 

[sqjs00]

Thanks for the links Rand, I will definitely find some info about those topics so I can have them off hand.

You say your father "used to be" a pastor. What happened? Did he leave the ministry, marry, have a child? If so, bring that up. Ask him how he knew that was the right decision for him...?

Lex

I have had a conversation with him about this before. While he still does preaching from time to time, he left because he went to do some independent consulting, that led him to be the CEO of a small software company that did some work in Uganda, Africa in an attempt to set up an ID system so that more of the people there could receive their AIDs medication. He resigned from that job and went to manage a Sportswear company, which he still does now.


On another note, I just had another talk with him today, and he said that he found cases where men had once had gay feelings, and then they believed that through prayer and God and whatever that they had been changed.. he was very careful not to use the word cured, haha.

I simply said that I felt like they were either lying to themselves, or that maybe it worked for them but I didn't believe that it would work like that for me. He asked me to consider going to a gay support group. I just kinda kept my answers short like 'yeah maybe' and things like that. I wish that I could just find a way for him to accept it!


Thanks a lot for the advise guys! Just gotta keep workin' through it.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>On another note, I just had another talk with him today, and he said that he found cases where men had once had gay feelings, and then they believed that through prayer and God and whatever that they had been changed..

Yeah, the "ex-gay" movement. But then again, one guy who used to run an ex-gay group said he couldn't find one single documented case of a 100% success story. Several suicides, but no success stories. If the cure has a 0% success rate, but has been known to kill a few folks along the way, that doesn't sound like a treatment I'd like to take. As I said, just because you have me walking on my hands doesn't mean I don't want to walk on my feet.

Why does he want you to go to a gay support group? You don't seem to have the problem with being gay - HE does. Sounds like he needs the support more than you do. You might link him to PFLAG.

Lex

 

[looseliam]

When I find people who are persistent in expressing some skewed view of my sexuality, I politely thank them for their concern, but ask they keep opinions to themselves.

 

[spreadeagle]

I always handle this one the same way:

"Look, Dad - people are gay because of environmental factors or because of hereditary factors or because of a combination of both. When I was growing up you and Mum had total responsibility for my environment. Everything in my genetic make-up I inherited from you and Mum. Therefore, you and Mum are the reasons I am gay. I will be able to be heterosexual when you and Mum are able to go back and change your contribution to making me who I am today."

 

[provenlogic]

Best thing you can do is share information with him. Instead of him looking up info on converting you, why don't you go to the library and get him some books on homosexuality that are informative and supportive. PFLAG's website should have a good list of books, there are tons of resources out there to share with him. And after he reads them, he may feel more comfortable with the situation. So i vote YOU provide HIM with good information for him to assimilate.

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

Check out this thread: http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=177533

You might want to check out this book.

This Far by Grace: A Bishop's Journey Through Questions of Homosexuality (Paperback)
by J. Neil Alexander (Author)

Book Description
In this thoughtful and timely book, Bishop Alexander explores his journey through the theological, scriptural, and pastoral aspects of the questions surrounding homosexuality and the Christian faith.

 

[Shepherd 2]

Give dad time and then ask him if he is interested in talking with pastors who are gay and feel comfortable talking about it. Two I know on JUB. one is myself, and I can be reached through my PM here and another is JackFTwist. That may be a start, if he is open. It may be more direct than trying to read books or find books in a Christian bookstore.
Shep+

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Religion is among many other things, an ideology.

Once you subscribe yourself to an ideology, you are limiting your own scope of actions and beliefs. Ideological postulates decide what is wrong and what is right for you, and your role is reduced to following them and trying to convert as many people as you can to the very same ideology that took away most of your freedoms.

That is how intellectual, mental and emotional slavery is being continuously propagated.

In other words, tell your Dad that you still love him dearly and hope that he loves you, too. You'll manage the rest of your life as you find fit.

SC

 

[JackFTwist]

shepherd - I never saw my name used here before without someone prefacing it with "that asshole JackFTwist" so thanks!

sqjs00 - it actually sounds as if he is handling this well enough - he's not condemning you or anything. And since you were the one to leave your computer on in his house with a live link to gay porn, you have to pay the price.

And it sounds as if you are handling it ok. I doubt you were "convert" him anymore than you can be converted. Just keep responding as you have been, let him know lovingly when it gets to be too much, this is the price you pay for outing yourself with gay porn to your father in his house, and when he keeps on it, just think that you invited the situation and zone out for a while and then change the subject.

Everyone has given you good comments.

I'd be happy to talk to him if it would do any good.