Need some relationship advice

[Jacob89]

I am new to JUB, but I have read through many of the postings and feel as though you guys know what you are talking about and may be able to help me.

I have been in a relationship for almost a year now and for the most part my partner and I get along. There is an age gap of more years than I have been alive but that hasn't been a huge issue for us... yet. The problem is how comfortable he seems to have gotten. We don't do anything anymore. There is no romance, no emotions, no spontaneity... no spark. I am lucky to get a hug when I stop by after a long day. Even the sex is half of what it used to be (on a good day). We fuck and its over. There used to be candles, music, foreplay, even rose pedals leading to the bedroom occasionally. What happened?!?

Our love life isn't the worst problem though. He treats me as though I am not as important as he is. As if what I what doesn't really matter anymore (that is what killed our sex life).

I have tried to rekindle our relationship more than once but he just isn't interested. I know he still loves me and I still love him but he seems to think things are fine the way they are. I have approached him about this problem before but he saw it as an attack and got angry.

I feel as though I have to pretend nothing is wrong so that at least one of us can be happy

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[hotatlboi]

Well I hate to say it (and I don't mean to offend anyone older), but, you are no longer his lover. You are his boytoy.

 

[scooter63]

Hello and welcome to JUB. Hope you like it around here as a poster too.

In regards to your post and situation, I will offer this bit of advice to you. The ball is in court at the moment. The relationship is his to lose or to win. You have told him about your feelings and what it is that you are lacking, needing, wanting out the relationship. He has chosen, so far, to get angry about it rather than to talk about it or to sit down with you and attempt to work it out.

I would give him one more chance to address the issues and to begin working on them and if he doesn't do that or doesn't want to do that, then I would say so long bud and move on to greener and better pastures. You are a human being that needs to be loved and nurtured as well and it doesn't sound like you are getting that from him. I wouldn't give him an ultimatium when I brought it up again either, just ask him nicely that you need to talk and that "we" need to work on some issues with our relationship. If he doesn't, you have your answer.

Like I said, the ball is in his court and the game is his to win or lose.

Sorry to say, but it kind of sounds like maybe he has already decided that he doesn't want to play this game any more either.

Good luck with this, keep your head held high and look to tomorrow and to brighter, better things in your life.

 

[youngnihilist]

He sounds like a jerk and is treating you like, as the other poster said, a boytoy. He got what he wanted. Now will you fight for your freedom?

 

[Jacob89]

Thank you all for your input but as I said above, I know he loves me and I still love him. There are good times together but why does there have to be so many bad times?? I guess we just have different definitions of love...

I have considered leaving him but it would devastate me. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about what I could have done to change things. I just don't know what those things are yet. Hence why I have come seeking assistance

The boytoy comments are quite accurate to be honest. That is the feeling I have been getting from him but to avoid the swaying of your opinions I did not mention it in my original post. I guess it comes down to respect... No matter what I say or do I just can't seem to get any

With no intention of bragging about myself (I always worry about that), I can hold my own in a conversation, Im very mature for my age and Im intelligent with a good sense of humor. But he sees me as inferior.

 

[hotatlboi]

Thank you all for your input but as I said above, I know he loves me and I still love him.

That may be the case, but that doesn't mean staying in this relationship is the right course of action.

There are good times together but why does there have to be so many bad times?? I guess we just have different definitions of love...

There doesn't. A healthy relationship would not have more bad times then good. That should be telling you this relationship isn't healthy.

I have considered leaving him but it would devastate me. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about what I could have done to change things. I just don't know what those things are yet. Hence why I have come seeking assistance

I think this might be part of your problem. From what you have said, it sounds like he is the one that needs to change. But you are thinking of this in terms of what you can do. A relationship takes two to make it work. If HE is not willing to change, it doesn't matter what you do, the relationship is not going to be healthy for you. Also, perhaps this is why he has resisted changing, because he senses that you are not ready to leave him (since it would 'devastate' you) so he feels like he can treat you however he wants with no consequences, and that you will continue to accommodate him.

But he sees me as inferior.

Also a sign of a serious problem in this relationship. In a healthy relationship both partners should be striving for the other's happiness as much as their own.

 

[KaraBulut]

Sometimes romantic relationships just run their course. They can turn into friendships. Or they can just end.

If you were to say that he was willing to try or that he were willing to see a doctor to find out if something was wrong health-wise, that would be a different matter. But he's not trying. And he doesn't even want to talk about it.

It's up to you to take the step to end the romantic part of the relationship and move on to someone who can provide the things that you are looking for.

 

[Jacob89]

This has all been a problem for a few months now so I have given it a fair share of thought. I know in the end he is not going to change on his own and I have to confront him about it, but I don't the best way of doing that. Last time when I approached him and he got angry some very harsh things were said. If that happens again I just know he will act errashionally again and do more damage than good.

So I can't approach him about it or things will get worse, and he won't change on his own. That leaves me hoping for a miracle.

I was hoping to come across someone else who was either in a similar situation or had been before. It would be nice to know that I am not alone in my struggles

 

[hotatlboi]

So I can't approach him about it or things will get worse

No this is the wrong mindset. If you don't approach him, things will not ever get better.

What you need to do is calmly tell him that you need to talk to him about some things. At the outset of this conversation, request that he not get angry and hear you out, and that what you have to say is very important.

Then you need to go into detail about all these issues and why you feel that your happiness is being neglected in the relationship. Do this in a calm and factual manner, do not become agitated or emotional.

If he truly cares about you and wants the relationship to work, then he will listen.

If he refuses to listen, then that is your answer and he is never going to change. At that point you have a choice to make, continue to live in this situation where your happiness is compromised or make the tough choice to leave and seek a better future for yourself.

 

[bankside]

It is easy to confuse the extra experience that comes with age, with extra seniority in a relationship. It appears that your boyfriend is making this mistake.

The reality is, you are equals, and he needs to restore that understanding of things in his mind.

 

[KaraBulut]

I was hoping to come across someone else who was either in a similar situation or had been before. It would be nice to know that I am not alone in my struggles

Most advice is based upon our own personal experiences or the experiences of others that we have observed in our circle of friends.

Don't let fear of confrontation be your enemy. It's better to have a short confrontation that accomplishes something than to have week after week of silent misery.