Need some SERIOUS advice please!

[ubisoft]

Hi all, I am sorry if this post is going to be somewhat long as I am just going to write what's on my mind and what the story is without overthinking it.

I am 28 now, I am in a relationship with a 54 y.o guy. and we have been monogamous for 4 years except I slept with a guy 3 days ago, now please read before making the judgement.

My partner and I had a great first year together, great sex and bonding and had great times together out of bed, we share chores and all that. But the last three years have been kind of sexless. He is a "bottom" but everything goes his way, and he is a "slow boiler" as he says it which pisses me the fuck off. Anyway, that's not really the point, I want to overlook the sex part but I just can't. I only started doing anal because of he asked me and I loved it, but a few times later he wouldn't want to do it. I am a very adventurous middle eastern guy, I want a lot of sex on a daily basis or at least every few days, not only that but no real sex stuff going on, it is just like playing an old CD player, same thing over and over. Since he knew I am very loyal his priorities have shifted in life drastically, his libido reduced by 98% and we had sex only once in 5 months. Going out for a walk in the woods nearby the house would be much better than sex in his mind for example, or going to the museum or the central market.We never lived together for a long time, but every weekend and holiday we stay together. This really frustrates me especially when I turned 18 I was in a relationship that is monogamous with an american guy who was 50 and it was also a distance relationship, after multiple failures for many years of getting to relocate because of Visa/Passport issues and his side of job/assets he couldn't relocate. We are still best friends though. Anyway, a week or so ago I installed grindr, and was just observing, there was this captivating daddy. He messaged me and after a while of chat, I met him and we had sex, it was nothing like me and my partner had that I just fucking WISH we could have.

I really have no idea what to do, I am now also working on a long hour work with only 1 day off a week which is Monday when my partner is off on saturday sunday and we live 2 hours apart. I work in an extremely Homophobic environment right now but it is the only job i can have regardless of my talents, basically I am living 2 lives right now.


I really am not sure what to do, I would really appreciate a constructive advice and all. I love my partner still, but it has always felt kind of one sided because it is "hard" for him to express his emotions since he was stunted by his mother as a kid or whatever. He did say he would never cheat on me, I actually am sure he won't cheat on me because he doesn't seem to need the "sex" anymore and he doesn't want an open relationship. I really have no idea what to do, please advise and I truly appreciate it!!



PS: DADDIES WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO HOT? Especially this 40-65 range, stop playing with my heart,...and penis!

 

[jaysizzles]

I wouldn't tell him about your hookup, unless it's something you feel you need to do. This is not to say that it's was ok to cheat on him, nor in the future. Telling him about it will hurt him, make him not trust you, and it would only compound the real problem of your wanting to resolve the problems with your sex life....that led you to cheating in the first place. You need to have a serious heart to heart with him that the lack of sex is a big problem with you, and see if as a couple you both can find a way to compromise on the frequency and resolve this.

People with busy and conflicting schedules need to schedule in their private time and make it a priority. For example...if you schedule Saturday evening as your time together, he'll have a few days to mentally prepare himself/anticipate it...send him a text message or 2 beforehand about what kinky thing you plan to do with him (or whatever) to get him in the mood. Idk.

In my opinion, a healthy man in his mid 50's should have the desire to have sex at least 2 times a week. Is he healthy? Does he exercise and eat right? Perhaps he should see a doctor for a checkup and advice on how to increase his libido.

 

[ubisoft]

I wouldn't tell him about your hookup, unless it's something you feel you need to do. This is not to say that it's was ok to cheat on him, nor in the future. Telling him about it will hurt him, make him not trust you, and it would only compound the real problem of your wanting to resolve the problems with your sex life....that led you to cheating in the first place. You need to have a serious heart to heart with him that the lack of sex is a big problem with you, and see if as a couple you both can find a way to compromise on the frequency and resolve this.

People with busy and conflicting schedules need to schedule in their private time and make it a priority. For example...if you schedule Saturday evening as your time together, he'll have a few days to mentally prepare himself/anticipate it...send him a text message or 2 beforehand about what kinky thing you plan to do with him (or whatever) to get him in the mood. Idk.

In my opinion, a healthy man in his mid 50's should have the desire to have sex at least 2 times a week. Is he healthy? Does he exercise and eat right? Perhaps he should see a doctor for a checkup and advice on how to increase his libido.

The thing is I never lie, and I didn't want to cheat at all. But let me just state some of the things that I didn't mention. Let me be honest and a little graphic. I do love bottom daddies and I know how to work around them due to my experience watching porn for many years. He doesn't deep throat, he doesn't swallow, he doesn't rim, he needs to be massaged for a long time to get excited, he doesn't cum more than once every few weeks, EVEN if we had anal which is rarely it wont be more than 2-3 minutes and in one position and then he is like he has had enough. he is off saturday sunday and i am off monday. Sex doesn't seem to bother him at all. but for me I NEED to blew a few a day, 3 at least, but he doesn't want anything to do with it and when I try to confront him he just ignores the subject. The thing is he is so strong and much beefier build than I am and he is strong as an ox, just no desire for sex and he doesn't want an open relationship.

I really am so depressed since the last month, I feel like walking away but still want to stay. I don't know what to do!

 

[jaysizzles]

If you tell him about the hookup, you may not have a choice but to leave. It's totally up to you....do what you need to do.

As for further advice on your sex life with him...or lack thereof, if he's so close minded and unapproachable on discussing it...it seems you need to decide if you can live with the frequency, or not. Nobody else can make that decision for you. It doesn't seem like much of a partnership or relationship to me though when he gets to call all the shots and you have take it or leave it.

 

[sixthson]

Since you have a high sex drive with so little sex, I assume you masturbate a lot. Does he know or care? If he knows how highly sexed you are, what does he think you should do with it?

 

[daddyfaux]

If he wont compromise or budge, you are sexually incompatible and honestly you should leave the relationship, suck it up, or discuss an open relationship.

It's a very heartbreaking feeling when the person you're with doesn't want sex with you as much as you want it with them. It's a feeling someone else who does want sex with you can't replace either. I've been there, and the lack of sex caused a lot of frustration within me which caused problem after problem in our relationship. But there's nothing you can really do about it, it's his choice, but it's your choice as to how you handle it.


The ethical thing to do would be to tell him though, about the hook-up. Especially if you really do love him and strongly believe in the longevity of your relationship. But then again, if I had cheated during my previous relationship I don't know if I'd feel the need to tell him either so...

 

[eastofeden]

I know alot of people disagree...but I would suggest complete honesty and full disclosure at all times..period.

I think we are all as sick as our secrets and our lies...and I think the truth sets everyone free.

I am definitely not going to judge you at all. You are honest here...I think that is brilliant. You should tell him everything you have said here and let him know that the sex you are having is not enough for you and it is a problem. There is NOTHING for you to be ashamed about.

You say you don't know whether to walk away or stay..and that you are depressed by the situation. I think telling him the truth will help you decide...and let him know where you stand with everything. If he wants to make a fuss about you fucking someone else...let him. It may give you a clearer picture and a clearer path.

I am not a fan of secrets in any relationship. I read a thread here once where most everyone said it was selfish to tell the other guy and I was a bit stunned but since so many people advocated that..I suspect there is some wisdom there as well that I just can't see so hopefully one of those guys will answer as well to give you a different perspective....

Good luck to you! You sound like a decent man and a good catch for anyone so I hope you get a resolution for your situation.

 

[sixthson]

Maybe the bf needs to see a doctor to be sure he has no health issues. Suggest it.

 

[KaraBulut]

I am 28 now, I am in a relationship with a 54 y.o guy. and we have been monogamous for 4 years except I slept with a guy 3 days ago, now please read before making the judgement.

The time to discuss opening your relationship is before you have sex outside the relationship. It's probably better to not disclose your cheating.

It's difficult enough to find someone who has the same sexual needs when you're dating someone your own age. When you add nearly 30 years to the equation, it becomes something much more complicated.

If your partner hasn't had a physical lately, this would be a good time for him to see his doctor to make sure there isn't something physically wrong. Also consider some medications like blood pressure medications and antidepressants can also affect libido.

However, if there isn't a physical cause and he isn't interested in compromising in a way that your sexual needs are met, then...

If he wont compromise or budge, you are sexually incompatible and honestly you should leave the relationship, suck it up, or discuss an open relationship.

...this is where things are headed.

 

[ubisoft]

Since you have a high sex drive with so little sex, I assume you masturbate a lot. Does he know or care? If he knows how highly sexed you are, what does he think you should do with it?

The truth is, he knows and I do tell him I masturbate 7 to 10 times a day to keep my dick in my pants since we don't live together, but I have been doing it for 10 years in 2 relationships to stay loyal. When I met this daddy on grindr last week, at the end of our 20 minutes i blew 3 loads one in a condom up his ass, one belly and one in his mouth, he was surprised but I really REALLY wanted to continue. I just wish my partner would be something similar, I would be happy with once or two. But he just doesn't. I would call him a dead fish compared to him, but the heart wants what the brain doesn't. fuck me.

I know alot of people disagree...but I would suggest complete honesty and full disclosure at all times..period.

I think we are all as sick as our secrets and our lies...and I think the truth sets everyone free.

I am definitely not going to judge you at all. You are honest here...I think that is brilliant. You should tell him everything you have said here and let him know that the sex you are having is not enough for you and it is a problem. There is NOTHING for you to be ashamed about.

You say you don't know whether to walk away or stay..and that you are depressed by the situation. I think telling him the truth will help you decide...and let him know where you stand with everything. If he wants to make a fuss about you fucking someone else...let him. It may give you a clearer picture and a clearer path.

I am not a fan of secrets in any relationship. I read a thread here once where most everyone said it was selfish to tell the other guy and I was a bit stunned but since so many people advocated that..I suspect there is some wisdom there as well that I just can't see so hopefully one of those guys will answer as well to give you a different perspective....

Good luck to you! You sound like a decent man and a good catch for anyone so I hope you get a resolution for your situation.

My problem is that I resent lying and can't lie. I have to meet him on monday. I will try and tell him before then, to see if we should meet to discuss and he would overlook this monogamy or not, or "fix" himself which seems pretty impossible. I will give it a shot like you advised though.

Maybe the bf needs to see a doctor to be sure he has no health issues. Suggest it.

My partner has no issues at all, he checks very regularly and he is very healthy and strong, it is simply the fact that sex doesn't concern him anymore since he had countless cocks before i come into his life, because he was single for 90% of his life and then on our first date he wanted me to be his partner and we hit it. Things changed after year 1 but I have been patient for 3 more years trying to work it out.



I appreciate the input guys!

 

[TX-Beau]

If you were saying that you cheated and massively regretted it and wouldn't do it again - I would say don't tell him, since all that would do was hurt him. I would say however that you needed to figure out why you did what you did and discuss that with him. But you already know what the problem is.

AND you are going to cheat again, as soon as you get horny again, because your guy won't take care of you. Sexual incompatibility ia always worse for the guy who has the high sex drive, the low sex drive guy isn't hurting the way you are, and whether he's just getting old or was just never that sexual, this isn't going to change - you can try to get him to compromise, but guys that uninterested in sex can't fake it. Eventually you'll be in here saying how he never seems into it when you have sex.

This is a deal breaker for me, I couldn't stay with a guy who wasn't a horny little fucker, because I guarantee you I am.

I'd let him go and go find someone else.

 

[ubisoft]

The time to discuss opening your relationship is before you have sex outside the relationship. It's probably better to not disclose your cheating.

It's difficult enough to find someone who has the same sexual needs when you're dating someone your own age. When you add nearly 30 years to the equation, it becomes something much more complicated.

If your partner hasn't had a physical lately, this would be a good time for him to see his doctor to make sure there isn't something physically wrong. Also consider some medications like blood pressure medications and antidepressants can also affect libido.

However, if there isn't a physical cause and he isn't interested in compromising in a way that your sexual needs are met, then...


...this is where things are headed.

He is not even on Panadol. He is healthier than me technically. Regardless, point taken kind sir!

 

[daddyfaux]

Ya'll kind of scary with justifying not telling about the hook-up. That is how you spread disease, and worse, to the person you love.

 

[Telstra]

Open relationship is best.
Less drama .....

 

[Seasoned]

You masturbate 7-10 times a day? There are multiple sexual issue problems in your relationship.

 

[Rolyo85]

If you were saying that you cheated and massively regretted it and wouldn't do it again - I would say don't tell him, since all that would do was hurt him. I would say however that you needed to figure out why you did what you did and discuss that with him. But you already know what the problem is. AND you are going to cheat again, as soon as you get horny again, because your guy won't take care of you. Sexual incompatibility ia always worse for the guy who has the high sex drive, the low sex drive guy isn't hurting the way you are, and whether he's just getting old or was just never that sexual, this isn't going to change - you can try to get him to compromise, but guys that uninterested in sex can't fake it. Eventually you'll be in here saying how he never seems into it when you have sex. This is a deal breaker for me, I couldn't stay with a guy who wasn't a horny little fucker, because I guarantee you I am. I'd let him go and go find someone else.

This is all that needs to be said about the issue. Generally speaking, I always advice against dating with such a big age difference, but you like what you like and that's that. However, sex drive can NOT be worked around. Trying to repress it just brings you unhappiness and frankly, the fact that he won't even discuss it shows he's not really considerate of your needs in this relationship. I won't tell you that you should date around your own age group because you won't listen to me. But if you don't want to be a serial cheater and destroy your relationship, you need to leave him and look for someone who can answer your needs.

 

[sixthson]

A romantic relationship is about more than just sex. That does not mean sex is unimportant, unless it is unimportant to both of you.
It's possible to be compatible with someone sexually, but not compatible in other ways. In this case, we have two people who are compatible except for sexually. We're not talking about friendship, we are talking about a loving, romantic relationship where both body and soul need satisfaction. If it's not balanced for both, it's not balanced for either. In the OP's case we have younger/older and highly sexed/low sex drive. Added to that, at least one is unwilling to compromise. The lack of sex won't be the main cause for the failure of this relationship, but the unwillingness to work things out will be.

Ubisoft, since you and the bf do not live together, is it possible he is getting his sexual satisfaction somewhere else?

 

[TX-Beau]

A romantic relationship is about more than just sex. That does not mean sex is unimportant, unless it is unimportant to both of you.
It's possible to be compatible with someone sexually, but not compatible in other ways. In this case, we have two people who are compatible except for sexually. We're not talking about friendship, we are talking about a loving, romantic relationship where both body and soul need satisfaction. If it's not balanced for both, it's not balanced for either. In the OP's case we have younger/older and highly sexed/low sex drive. Added to that, at least one is unwilling to compromise. The lack of sex won't be the main cause for the failure of this relationship, but the unwillingness to work things out will be.

Ubisoft, since you and the bf do not live together, is it possible he is getting his sexual satisfaction somewhere else?

We all have to decide what we are willing to put up with. It may be that larger "romantic" concerns for some guys are enough to put up with no sex, but then - for a whole bunch of us, there are no "romantic" concerns without the sex. I call that friendship, it does no good to tell a guy who's like me (and lets be real I suspect that I'm in the majority out there) that other things will compensate, because they won't.

I didn't consider that maybe the BF is cheating, that would explain a bunch of curious things.

- - - Updated - - -

Sex and money are the most common relationship killers.

 

[Blueboy369]

If you don't live together, it's much easier to go your separate ways. Four years is enough time to know if this is the right situation for you.