Need support and maybe some words of comfort

[closetedgay82]

Hello everybody!

I'm new here. I'm a 28 year old guy living near New York City. I'm originally from a very conservative country. I'm closeted and have been feeling very depressed lately.

My first gay experience was when I was 18 when I had a brief "fling" with a friend. It really wasn't sex. We dabbled (mostly making out and cuddling...)around and left it at that. Never spoke about it. He later got married and now has kids.

Soon after, I moved to the US. In nearly a decade I've been here, I never had to think too much about my sexuality. I kept to myself in the fear of anyone finding out and avoid places where people might question me being single (like family dinners etc). As a result, I have very few friends - all heterosexual. Most of them are married and have kids. All of them are also homophobic

Needless to say, my family is very conservative. I tried to bring up to my mom about equal rights for gay people and she shot back saying such people were "abnormal" and they have "hormonal problems". If I ever came out to them, they would definitely disown me.

Over the years, I've come to expect that from my family and had made up my mind that I would have to let go of my family if I had to be myself and take the one shot I had at my life. All that I was hoping for was to wait until I got permanent residency in the US so that I won't have to go back to a family that will throw me out. My employer is gay-friendly on paper. So, I figured I could come out to people at work and start my life from scratch. But now, I find that everyone at work is extremely homophobic. They are all republicans - even worse, the Tea Party kind. On seeing a same-sex couple kiss, my manager openly said that such behavior was disgusting and that he can never tolerate this "lifestyle". Other co-workers chipped in with their own homophobic comments. I laughed along while screaming on the inside.

I don't know what to do. I have a family that won't accept me if they knew I was gay. My country isn't all that welcoming either. My friends are homophobic and make fun of gay people all the time. So, I have stopped meeting up with them too. Now, I find my work place is homophobic too. Unfortunately, I work in an industry where everyone knows each other. If I lost my job here, it is highly unlikely that I will ever find another job in this industry - not to mention the fact that I will have to then go back to a much more homophobic home country.

I have built a wall around me and shut out everyone from my life. I live alone and am depressed. There is no way to meet other gay guys. The only consolation is that no one suspects I'm gay as I come across as a straight guy. I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up and wake up crying that I did. It hurts that I prefer to be liked for someone I'm not rather than accept to be hated for who I am.

Does this really get better?

 

[HunterM]

Hey, don't be depressed. Try googling local gay organizations to join. Have you tried going to gay bars? If you live near NYC, you could go to gay bars in the city for the weekend to meet people.

You need an outlet to be with like minded people. You're not alone on this journey. Others may have tips on how to deal with your situation. I think a big city like NYC must has tons of resources to help you out.

 

[altlover85]

You're near NYC. If you go the gay parts of NYC like Christopher Street and Bleecher Street you should be fine in terms of going out to the bars and meeting people.

Have you thought of changing fields?

How close are you to getting residency in the US?

I hope things improve for you.

 

[closetedgay82]

Thanks for your replies. I have tried going to some clubs/bars in new york. I don't really enjoy that atmosphere but gave it a shot anyway. All the people I met were only interested in sex.

My residency is still atleast 6-7 years away. I'm still mustering courage to pull through against all the headwind ahead of me. I'm having new problems with my family asking me to get married soon. I don't know what to do. Just taking it one day at a time and secretly hoping "this too shall pass".

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, you've done a fairly good job of building a wall around yourself by focusing upon the homophobia in your friends, family and coworkers.

There's a couple of those things that you can change.

NYC is a tough place to meet people for more than a one-night stand. People are very aggressive there and often when you see someone you're interested in, it may be your only chance to sleep with them, so it encourages people to be aggressive.

But there's also a few really nice guys from NYC who are JUB regulars. Maybe you might PM one of them for suggestions about social activities and non-club ways to meet guys?

 

[hackingnomberr]

I lol'd at the part where you said "even worse the Tea Party kind."
If that's your life and coming out isn't an option then there's always the internet.~

 

[closetedgay82]

Yes, the internet is all I have. I'll learn to live with it I guess...It certainly makes me feel a little better knowing that there are other people like me and people who care enough to reply. Thanks guys.

 

[kyguy1133]

82, I know just what you are going through, always know that you are not the only one going through this. At times it may seem dark and sad but it does get better!!! Like you I blend in as a straight guy and know the coming out process and transition is so hard to change that "Straight Title". Im only in the beginning process of coming out but the time will come for you to be free and out, everyone has there moment some different than others just know that when your time comes that huge burden will start to be lifted off of you.

Stay strong 82 and like other have said, you always have JUB and others on the net to talk to.

 

[closetedgay82]

Thanks kyguy1133. Reading such supportive words help a lot. It makes me feel like there are people out there who will accept me for who I am. Thanks a lot!

 

[Eagle653]

Welcome to JUB closetedgay82. You're among friends, here. KB, above, had a good idea about PM'ing JUBBERS who are in, or around, NYC. Finding a group of like-minded friends, around whom you feel comfortable, can go a long way in helping you put up with homophobic people at work, straight "friends," or family. The sooner you can build a network of real friends, the better you'll feel.

Welcome again. I'm glad you're here.

 

[HunterM]

Hey closetedgay82,
I recommend hopping over to the Hot Topics section of this site as well. There are some really funny subjects. We're all are regular people here to crack each other up. Feel free to participate by adding your comments to these threads.
Cheers

 

[hotatlboi]

You should start by standing up to the people at work making homophobic comments. Next time you hear one of them, tell them that you don't appreciate that as a gay person and that you have just as much right to be happy in life as they do.

NY is a good place to work as a gay person because there are laws that say you can't be fired for being gay. It doesn't matter if your manager doesn't like gay people.

Doing this will build up your self worth and you won't feel so isolated.

 

[Bonerbill]

I really feel for you. I doubt I'd be able to even consider being open in your situation. It seems you have pressure from all sides to stay closeted. It can get very lonely feeling your truer identity is limited to your inner dialog.

My situation is made more difficult because I've never fully sure what I am and and my expectations have been tainted by years of porn taking the place of interaction. I can say that over time you can become acclimated to that and continue to get enjoyment from it, but I can't say you won't still go through lonely patches.

I hope you can find a good balance that lets you keep the people you want in your life and still feel somewhat true to yourself.

 

[closetedgay82]

Thank you all! You guys are wonderful!!!

At a certain level, I think I've accepted and learnt to lead a solitary life, shutting everyone out. I'll eventually make my peace with that. But it gets to me sometimes because all I do these days is lock the doors and stay in my apartment. This is the only place I feel safe and can be myself - comfortable enough to visit sites like JUB without worrying about anyone finding out. It's kinda sad that that's the most I can do...but...I'm learning to see the glass as being half full.

I think about all the people who are in a much worse situation than me and I cheer myself up saying I have a lot to be thankful for. This Christmas, I'm thankful for having found you guys on JUB! Happy Holidays guys!

 

[Bonerbill]

Being sheltered in your apartment isn't the worst thing by any means. I've got more than a few years on you and I've spent them all that way. Many creative pursuits and a large video library means I might get lonely, but seldom bored.

A steady relationship with nothing but porn can create some twisted expectations. I don't have much trouble keeping it separate from the real world, but it can leave you feeling perverted and unfit for social interaction because you're only getting off voyeuristically.

It's very true that there are many worse situations to be in. Most of the time that does make me more complacent with my solo act, but sometimes it just makes me feel guilty for not appreciating what I have, and at the same time, out of line for being jealous of people who have it better.

But the important thing is, from experience with being in a long-term "holding pattern" type of life, it's not that bad. It won't drive you to despair as time goes on. And circumstances can change in unexpected ways as well.