Need thoughts on something

[vocallychaotic]

Hi all -

So, I've been dating a guy for a few months now, and things are good. He's a nice guy, and pretty down to earth. As the relationship has gone on, things have popped up that are starting to make me think a little bit about the whole situation, and I guess I just need some second opinions.

His family is very very Catholic, and in the country he comes from, homosexuality is frowned upon. He really doesn't have any intention of coming out to anybody in his family anytime soon, and I guess it's so opposite from the life I'm living now, I start to wonder if it's going to blow up later.

The other issue that's popped up is a question of our spending time together. Obviously, we both enjoy when we get to spend time alone together. But I've been noticing that we spend relatively little time with just each other, as opposed to with our friends. Normally, I don't think it would've bothered me, except that a friend of mine at one point asked me "do you guys ever just hang out with each other?" And I guess I hadn't really thought about it. We talked about it earlier today, and he said that his two closest friends who are dating each other don't really spend all that much time alone with each other either (I suppose I should add that they're not out to their families either).

I guess I'm kind of stuck. I really like him a lot, and I know he feels the same...but I guess now I'm worrying that with all of the crap that there is on his side (I'm sure there's crap on my side too, but it's not really relevant to this), it's going to affect the relationship the longer it goes on. I would love nothing more than at some point to move in with the guy I'm with (not necessarily him), have a dog, maybe a kid...blah blah blah. But he's not on the same page with me at this point, though we both understand that things could change...just not in the near future.

So...do you guys think I'm doing both of us a disservice by keeping this going? Or is it something you'd be willing to work through if you were in my situation? Thanks for any feedback guys.

 

[vocallychaotic]

to question 1...he's out to some people but not very many. He's constantly paranoid about being seen by his "straight friends."

And no to the 2nd as well.

 

[G-Lexington]

My partner wasn't (really) out to his parents when we started dating. It ends up they have that sort of family where things simply aren't discussed. However, they lived 2000 miles away, so it wasn't too difficult to maintain a facade until they were willing to accept what was going on. I never had to lie - I just let him handle all talks with his parents. Eventually, they came around, and they accept me as their son's partner.

Your situation seems a bit tougher than that, though. Not only does he not want to come out to his family, but he wants to maintain a "straight existence" with a separate group of friends, and he doesn't want one group to know about the other.

Is this workable? That's up to you. If you don't mind only going out in groups, and maintaining the facade of "just friends" until the bedroom door is closed, then you're fine. If you're not happy playing the game, feel free to lay down some ground rules. You don't have to instantly track down his straight friends and family and tell them "this guy likes dick!", but just say you refuse to lie to anybody. If you run into any of his straight friends, you're not going to pretend to not be his boyfriend. If asked, you're not going to lie about your relationship. This might be too heavy a demand on him, and he's welcome to break it off at that point.

Personally, I prefer being open about my relationships. But that's me.

Lex

 

[gavin89]

^^^^ I kinda disagree with Lex... I come from a country where homosexuality is very very frowned upon... and my parents are conservative Catholics too....

One possible reason he doesn't want his straight friends to see him as gay is because (MAYBE) some of those friends are from back home and they might spread the word or something...
I guess when (or IF) I ever go to the US or Europe, I'd have to keep that sorta "double life" kinda thing....
If you really like him, it'd be a shame to waste that over something like this...
Give it some thought, it's not that bad, who cares how he deals with his homosexuality with his different circles?!
As for the other problems, no comment.. just wanted to say the above...
best of luck...

 

[vocallychaotic]

@illgetbi - That pretty much sums it up. He hasn't yet said that he will never ever ever come out...but he's indicated that if he does, it will be a long process, and even then, it might not be to everybody.

@G-Lex - When this relationship started, I thought that I would be fine with the way that things were. But that was naïve me, never having had experience dating a closeted guy. There are definitely two groups of friends....the gay ones and the not, and he's definitely not ready for the "not"s to find about the others.

@illgetbi again - OK, here's the problem. He recently moved back home, after he was laid off from his job. Thus, he's living with his mom and sister. His mom is apparently the very suspicious type, and so in order to hang out, he'll have to make excuses and say that he's with a group of people, and that whole song and dance. This is why we can't hang out alone all that often, even though I have my own place, because he gets grilled about who he was with, where he went, etc., etc.

I can attest to the fact that he's been very very active in trying to find a new job, so he can get back out. But even if he does, there's no guarantee he'll move out right away because of car payments and student loan payments. So at this point, I guess it feels like I'm just a deep, dark secret in his life. I've never had to deal with that before, and I'm not sure that I like it.

And another problem with this is that his friends don't understand why his not being out is an issue at all for me. I guess they come from a background where they keep all that stuff wayyyyyyyyyyyy under the radar, and they're content with that. My friends and I have all been out for quite a while now, so it's something to which we never really give a second thought, and all of a sudden, hiding some things has to be on the forefront of my mind again.

@homophoebian - Yes, I think your viewpoint/experience is fairly similar to his. I've been debating this for a while, and I'm really stuck. I do like him a whole lot, and I've gone back and forth with myself about the situation over and over again. But I don't know that I can deal with having to be careful about who I tell about him, not knowing whether he knows them or not...or having to hide feelings I have. I guess I've just come from a very difference place than he has, and I've been able to be open, and not keep that part of my life hidden, and now that I'm having to deal with it, I don't know how, and he's sort of in the same situation trying to understand/deal with my lifestyle.

It's not that I'm super-obvious by any means. Some people can tell right away, some can't, and to be frank, I don't care. I know when it's cool to show affection, and when not to, and I'm not a huge fan of PDA. But when it's to the point where I'm driving him home after we go out, and we'll be holding hands, or I'll be rubbing his neck or something, then when we get close to his neighborhood, and he pulls away because we're in a place where there's a high possibility of him knowing somebody, then I start to wonder if that's how I want it to be.

Anyway guys...thank you for your thoughts. It's good to see that I'm not completely out of line with my thoughts on this...though I'm not really any closer to knowing what to do. lol

 

[vocallychaotic]

I've tried to avoid giving him an ultimatum, because I'm trying to be understanding of his situation, and I know he appreciates that. But I figure it becomes an issue when it starts to weigh more on my mind too.

A few weeks ago, I took him as my date to a friend's wedding in Iowa, and everything was great. The entire way home, we had a conversation about everything I've mentioned here, and I felt better about it at that point. I told him that the issue of non-openness could become a factor in our relationship, and he understood, and we came at it from the angle that if we do end things, we'll both be very sad, but at the same time, understanding of why. And that's when he brought up the "things could change at some point" card. But as time has gone on, I'm starting to feel like it's just going back to the way it was.

I can see what you're saying, with the feeling of us not being a couple. I'm inclined to disagree with that, because we do get to date nights every so often, and around our friends, it's fine...but I guess it's just not as often as I would like.

Part of me is willing to wait until he's ready to be more free and start coming out, but on the flip side, I don't know how long it'll be. As far as his living at home, I don't have an issue with his having to make excuses. I just find that when I know that the reason that he and I can't hang out because he can't think of an excuse to give, then it's a little irksome, I guess.

I think I would be ok with the compromise of his asking for more time, in return for finding more ways to spend time together. I think that would be fair. I'll have to talk to him about that one. Thanks for the suggestion!

 

[vocallychaotic]

Well...the relationship has ended. There wasn't a compromise in sight unfortunately. I'm pretty torn up about it at this point; things were good except for the one sticking point, which kind of came to a head last weekend.

I know it's probably better this way...but I can't seem to turn off the feelings as easily as I would like. It'll take time, I know. This is just the hardest part.

 

[rareboy]

It is better this way.

Get out there and find the kind of guy who will make you happy.