Need to get my horrible parents off my chest.

[JarodA]

What's bringing this on is, a general inferiority complex had risen to the surface in recent times (thankfully after a bit of time and recent effort, my anxiety around that is subsiding and I'm reverting back to my neutral state which is pretty chill), but through this intense time for me, after like 10 years of not going through anything remotely similar, I think it was even more intense this time around, and it's taught me some things about myself, albeit relatively late, and I think one of the main things is that had I been brought up in a healthy way, felt more confident 'cause I felt loved and valued basically, and had my social life taken a more 'conventional' direction as a result, I don't even think I'd be comparing myself negatively to others, or at least not nearly as much.

My dad was a distant guy, always in his own head or in whatever books he wanted to read or study. But the threat of discipline was always there too. Eh, that wasn't ideal, but I knew what to expect from him. Watch myself, 'be good,' accept whatever my parents told me as the good book says, and we'd get along great. He's a former alcoholic, born of alcoholics, he was already mid-40s when I was born. Not excusing, but I can understand his BS at least.

My mum felt like the outwardly safe parent, and sure I was always fed and she sometimes bought me this and that, but her bad parenting stuff was more insidious, and ultimately worse. Should've been obvious I guess, because Dad and Mum divorced when I was like 11 and things didn't really change with him gone.

Mum didn't prepare me properly for a single aspect of adulthood (like, she complained if I didn't do chores, but never tried to really teach me about how scheduling worked or how to stick to them, or even very much how to practically do anything), I tried to move out of home once but partly because of what I now understand to be my stunted development it only lasted a few months and I was back home again. One of my flatmates in particular just couldn't handle me.

Anyway, growing up she didn't try to correct any 'quirky' anti-social habits I had (which were numerous and othered me from people), always wished out loud that I'd do certain things differently (like be more 'sporty' and watch less TV/games) but always with an emphasis on discouragement rather than encouragement, always extrapolated mistakes, bad days, moods or habits to my entire personality rather than address them as separate parts of me that could be individually worked on (I can distinguish more as an adult that this is just her 'style,' but as a kid I probably did absorb a lot of this in a way I maybe wasn't 'supposed' to). Things would be going along pretty normally, then she'd just raise her voice/get angry out of the blue for some problem I guess I was supposed to 'mindread' for. One of the worst things, growing up I wanted to be seen as a cool, strong boy like all boys do, but my mum always fussed about how 'cute' I was, like kids say funny stuff but she'd make SUCH a fuss. She knew damn well I didn't like this, but that didn't matter to her at all. She also tended to shut down discussions before I'd gotten my point across properly and then accuse me of 'dwelling' when I tried to finish saying my piece.

Fast-forward past childhood, I'm pretty much nearing my mid-30s now. To this day (as I'm still living with her at the moment) she still never ever expects that I'm going to do the right thing. Her default expectation is that I'm still going to disappoint her it seems. We both work of course so don't have to see each other a ton, but say when we're overlapping days off I can only tolerate small doses of her at this point before she starts to piss me off lol. Despite all this, I'd hesitate to call her abusive taking into account the sum total of my childhood (and knowing what her own mother was like too lol)... just kind of skirting that line constantly.

I have a pretty disordered social life and self-esteem issues though. Up until recently I'd learned to accept it, or not even really label it, but most of the time I'm chronically lonely basically. I know for sure I'm homosexual BTW, no issues with that, but I've had only a tiny bit of sexual activity in the distant past, and I knew through tiny 'sparks' of feelings that I had the potential to truly enjoy that with the right person, but as it stood back then it was mostly a pretty empty experience for me which I haven't missed a ton. Needless to say, very few friends throughout my life, and none that I've felt I can 'open up' to much.

Thankfully through this recent time, I know I need 'help' for my deep-rooted self esteem problems, if I'm going to fully love myself and expect others to do the same. Since I've learned to adapt to my 'independent' life, I can realize this without overly freaking out. Seeing through my mum isn't a problem anymore, I don't think I need to involve her any further and I don't think she can be 'fixed' in any way. I think finally addressing my self-esteem problems will go a long way to fixing a lot of my own problems.

I have hope despite my less than ideal start to life .

 

[frankifab]

I have a kind of similar situation , nevertheless , I don't have a job , I only worked for a few months when I was a kid , I'm in my late 30's and it's hard to leave my mum and grandparents ...
All I can advise is Devise a plan to become actually independent to live all by yourself without having to bear what you've been bearing . Sometimes life is a misfortune and one is born to parents who don't deserve us , but if you make up your mind , you may live your own life far from your mum , it's not your duty to stick by herside til the end of time ... Live your life before it's too late ... I was 35 yesterday now I'm 38 , tomorow I'll be 40 . As time is merciless , it won't wait ...

 

[BiBtm64]

On the face of it, my first reaction was to suggest that if you're complaining about "horrible parents" while still living with your mother in your mid 30s, then you have a choice to man up, move out, and get on with your life. Then I took a deep breath, said "mate, stop being a grumpy old fart. Not only did you also go through adolescence, even though it was so long ago you probably can't remember; you had a difficult relationship with your mother too". So I thought deeper about what I could possibly say that might be of more help.

I see that you tried previously to live independently and that failed due to "stunted development," suggesting that your current situation may stem from a deeper struggle with self-identity and capability that can be tied back to your upbringing, rather than a lack of desire to move out and leave your "horrible parents" in your past. The criticism of your parents, particularly your mother's parenting style, suggests a need for validation and encouragement that you may feel has been missing from your past. Maybe this has led to feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, which makes it harder to form meaningful relationships. That seems fair enough to be attempting to understand, feel validated, have some emotional release, and some support or connection, and ultimately find a way to move on.

I know it's easy to label parents as horrible, but try to keep in mind that many or most parents do what they think is best. Many parents act based on their own experiences, limitations, and intentions. Most parents try to do their best within their circumstances, even if their actions can turn out to be misguided or harmful. That said, as a parent, my view is that raising children is as much about preparing them for the world as it is about proving love and protection - sometimes that can mean some tough love. But it does seem that yours failed in both respects - preparing you for adulthood as well as providing support and love. Maybe they haven't been the ideal parents but you might want to try to maintain a positive relationship with them, as part of moving forward, if only for your own sake. You only have one father and one mother. Nobody can turn back the clock; they can only do what is right moving forward.

I'd suggest you need to seek out professional help, to acknowledge and validate feelings and find a way to build self esteem, deal with feelings and move forward. Good luck.

 

[JarodA]

On the face of it, my first reaction was to suggest that if you're complaining about "horrible parents" while still living with your mother in your mid 30s, then you have a choice to man up, move out, and get on with your life. Then I took a deep breath, said "mate, stop being a grumpy old fart. Not only did you also go through adolescence, even though it was so long ago you probably can't remember; you had a difficult relationship with your mother too". So I thought deeper about what I could possibly say that might be of more help.

I see that you tried previously to live independently and that failed due to "stunted development," suggesting that your current situation may stem from a deeper struggle with self-identity and capability that can be tied back to your upbringing, rather than a lack of desire to move out and leave your "horrible parents" in your past. The criticism of your parents, particularly your mother's parenting style, suggests a need for validation and encouragement that you may feel has been missing from your past. Maybe this has led to feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, which makes it harder to form meaningful relationships. That seems fair enough to be attempting to understand, feel validated, have some emotional release, and some support or connection, and ultimately find a way to move on.

I know it's easy to label parents as horrible, but try to keep in mind that many or most parents do what they think is best. Many parents act based on their own experiences, limitations, and intentions. Most parents try to do their best within their circumstances, even if their actions can turn out to be misguided or harmful. That said, as a parent, my view is that raising children is as much about preparing them for the world as it is about proving love and protection - sometimes that can mean some tough love. But it does seem that yours failed in both respects - preparing you for adulthood as well as providing support and love. Maybe they haven't been the ideal parents but you might want to try to maintain a positive relationship with them, as part of moving forward, if only for your own sake. You only have one father and one mother. Nobody can turn back the clock; they can only do what is right moving forward.

I'd suggest you need to seek out professional help, to acknowledge and validate feelings and find a way to build self esteem, deal with feelings and move forward. Good luck.

Thank you . I'm glad you didn't go with only your first knee-jerk reaction, but I do know how it could sound. I know the power is 'technically' in my hands to work on myself, try and move out etc. But I think you also recognize, it runs pretty deep, which I do appreciate. I've had to go through quite a heavy anxiety crisis recently to even fully make this breakthrough. I'd gotten so used to living with only a small degree of self-esteem over the years that I'd pretty much unconsciously accepted it was a limitation I'd just have to work around. Of course in the past I've had small thoughts about the state of my life, how maybe therapy of some sort could help me with some stuff, but said thoughts just haven't quite surfaced enough to really take full hold. I've also all along been trying to work on myself in some certain ways (better fitness, trying to find a creative niche I could excel etc.) maybe to the point where I felt like that would eventually be 'enough' to break me out of this hold. I see now that I've been trying to distract myself treating symptoms rather than deeper root causes (even though certain things like fitness are still worth pursuing of course).

Maybe not enough, but I did touch on how my parents have their own scars. But I also believe it's up to parents to break negative cycles. I'm not even a parent (maybe one day I'd like to be? who knows) and I have a whole litany of stuff my parents did that I would do everything in my power not to pass on. I also didn't mention, I am sibling #3. First boy after two girls, but nonetheless, my parents also had a degree of 'practice' before they had me. If I can recognize potentially harmful parenting patterns without even having kids of my own, I think there are certain cycles that could've been broken by kid #3 . Am I being too harsh? IDK maybe, but I don't think so.

My two sisters also turned out wildly different. One is traditionally married, took the hardcore Christian route of my parents, has a lot of kids already, but parents them in a potentially unhealthy 'helicopter parent' kind of style. She also doesn't let my mother see them unsupervised, she's literally never spent anytime with my sister's kids without her or her husband there - I don't know her exact reasons for this, I doubt they're the same as mine. Nonetheless, despite being outwardly very 'together' to most people, she didn't really turn out completely normal either. My other sister, unlike me she wasn't outwardly 'stuck' but lived a very messy, 'chaotic' life and then eventually took her own life in February of this year . So like, I think the truth's kind of in between. Yeah nobody's coming to 'rescue' me and it's up to me to do the work, but at the same time I know I'm not just bitching without cause here. My folks f***ed up bad.

 

[JarodA]

Felt like updating. I can't believe it's already a few months since posting. Nothing's changed much from my OP, just the feelings are less raw now . And there's been a slight 'deepening' to some of the realizations, mostly just that I let my dad (especially him), siblings and extended family off the hook much too easily compared to my mother, but anyway, my entire family sat on the sidelines while I fell through the cracks, and it was a pretty fucking big family overall, either who I lived with or saw often including every week at church. My utterly failed development was a team effort . I have no ill will towards anyone - even though I could be furious, I'm more grateful the long-overdue clarity. That intense month and a bit late last year is something I needed to go through, I suppose. That said, I do wonder where my relationship's at with most of them now, or more to the point, do I care if I even have one? I'm keeping ties with dad 'cause I think he's nearing the end of his life (mid 70s, bad heart).

In terms of therapy, it's still on the cards. I knew from the beginning that my urgency to pursue it once I got back to 'normal' might pass and I was ready for that. I made sure not to just let the idea go. I've been processing whether to do it or not, put it to the back of my mind for a while, but now I feel like it's something I still need to do again. Currently looking into options .

 

[KaraBulut]

...my entire family sat on the sidelines while I fell through the cracks, and it was a pretty fucking big family overall, either who I lived with or saw often including every week at church. My utterly failed development was a team effort

You're an adult. You're on your own. As an adult, they are your issues, not theirs.

There's a point in an adult relationship with parents where you will become more of the adult and they become increasingly like the children.

An observation: you're still stuck in the old relationship where they are the parent and you are the child. All the anger and resentments are keeping you from moving into an adult relationship with your parents and the rest of your family.

In terms of therapy, it's still on the cards. I knew from the beginning that my urgency to pursue it once I got back to 'normal' might pass and I was ready for that. I made sure not to just let the idea go. I've been processing whether to do it or not, put it to the back of my mind for a while, but now I feel like it's something I still need to do again. Currently looking into options .

You have a decision to make. If you wish to change your relationship with your family into an adult relationship, then a therapist can help you see the patterns and learn to develop new, healthy patterns.