Need unbiased, mature advice

[williammmm21]

Hey all, my boyfriend and I are about to have our four year anniversary. We just moved in together at the beginning of July. I have never lived with a significant other before and neither has he. I would say that things are going great. We have had a disagreement once or twice, which I would say is normal for our relationship. I love him to death and could potentially see myself marrying him when we are ready. I am 26 and he is 22 and going to graduate school.

The problem: I recently had his cell phone and saw in his history that he was on craigslist looking in the "missed connections" and also saw a fake email that he uses to respond to craigslist ads for threesomes (which would include me, he said) and also responding to regular sex ads. He also frequents grindr and porn sites. When I confronted him, he told me he has never acted on this, but does it just to see if people are interested in him and says its just for fun. I trust him in that sense. I know he isn't the kind of guy to do that and when going through his email threads, he hasn't actually gotten a phone number or address or anything...it hasn't gotten that far. The other day, we were having sex/making love/whatever you call it and he went limp and it started bothering me because I'm wondering if all of this is because he is just not into me anymore?

The grinder thing/boyahoy/manhunt stuff was a problem around year two and I gave him the ultimatum "that or me" and he chose me. He was just chatting then too.

I have confronted him and he says he doesn't see it as being bad because he never acts on it, doesn't send pictures...etc.

And now I'm wondering if I should give him the ultimatum or talk to him or what I should do? I also considered taking a break and letting him act on these encounters to get it out of his system? HELP please.

Thank you guys.

 

[mbamike]

William, you are smothering this poor guy. Back off and give him some space.

Stay out of his phone and out of his email. If you don't trust him, then you don't need to be with him.

You are over reacting to him going limp. It will happen to all men.

Don't give ultimatums unless you are prepared to lose.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I disagree. I think if you're going to devote your life to this guy, you need to know he's equally devoted back. I think it's normal to look at other guys, but if he's flirting, and fishing around for compliments on hook up sites, it doesn't sound to me like he's ready for a commitment. He sounds secretive and shady to me.

 

[Adrock-JD]

Ultimatums usually never do any good. There's also usually no such thing as "getting it out of his system."

Taking a break might be a wise decision for you. If, however, you are too emotionally or otherwise attached to him that may backfire. Again, on you.

In my experience, using yourself as a bargaining chip will only drive the other persons behaviors further underground. It won't get rid of them.

Of course I don't know this guy, so he may be an exception to any or all of the above.

I dare say that if he were as into you as you are him, he wouldn't be bothering with looking around. That said, I have met guys who can be very committed to one other person but cannot be monogamous in the sex department. That doesn't mean they don't care, they just cannot or will not only have sex with their partner.

I wish you all the best and I hope it turns out well.

 

[williammmm21]

I agree with you borg69unimatrix, I'm obviously going to talk with him, but I'm wondering at what point do I throw my hands up and call it quits? And how far/hard do I try to "work it out" I love him as much as I know how and I know the feeling is mutual. Will this online stuff ever end?

 

[borg69unimatrix]

He's young, and as such, more than likely driven by his hormones. The world is one big gay sex candy store.

Only he can determine when he's ready to settle down, and only you can decide how much of his crap you're willing to put up with, and how long you're willing to wait for him. Hopefully the two of you can meet somewhere in the middle. If not, you have some hard choices to make on how much you're willing to compromise your integrity on his half-assed one foot in the door commitment hoping he'll come around and eventually pick you, 100%.

You said he's done this before, a year or two ago... once is a red flag to me... repeatedly doing it is a major red flag.

 

[williammmm21]

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.

 

[KaraBulut]

The real question is whether cheating is having sex with another person... or whether cheating is lying and doing the stuff he's doing behind your back.

It's up to the two of you to define what cheating is to your relationship. Either way, the two of you need to have a talk.

 

[williammmm21]

definitely going to have a talk. we will see how it goes.

 

[chrisdobro]

I think that men need an outlet other than their immediate relationship. If you do an ultimatum, you are in effect hurting yourself as well (i.e. forcing the relationship into a state that you want, where it will put some strain on you, on your partner and on the relationship).

What I am relying on here is Dan Savage's general musings on monogamy - as in, monogamy does not exist. We pretend that it does. We do things to create the illusion for the partner that it exists. When the veil is lifted, such as it was in your case, part of the magic is lost, as was in your case, and you became concerned that relationship has put under question.

I think he still loves you and that incident where he went limp, it happens to the best of us. But if he never had this happen before, maybe he was concerned/thinking about the issue that has been recently brought up and that had affected his performance. I would not put this much value to this one incident at this time, and just kind of ignore it.

So, to answer directly -- no, do not give him an ultimatum. That doesn't work in the long term, as you have already experienced, and thus only puts a strain on things, or causes him to go into hiding his behavior more carefully, should he find his way to doing it again eventually.

As far as talking - yes yes yes! I would talk about it and find out what is out there for him that he is longing for. He may not be able to tell you right away, as it is possible he has not figured it all out himself yet, so this may take some time, and things may not be clear cut. In my case, for example, in the beginning stages of my relationship, I was not over my ex-boyfriend (who was really a straight/curious guy), and I wanted to have experiences with people my age (my partner is quite a bit older than me). Those were both unexplored areas in my life and I could not push them aside. Eventually, me and my partner have resolved both of those issues (yuppie!!). In the process of resolving them, I did get in touch with and put closure to relationship with my ex-boyfriend, and I did get a chance to experience people my age. I am skipping a lot of detail here, but the point is that the issues stalling me in my relationship were identified, and worked on. That in turn, helped me to turn my focus back on the relationship. From there on there were other challenges, but putting closure to my issues, did help me bring focus back on the relationship, which I think is kind of what you want, at least in part.

As far as letting him have a break and let him act on those encounters - that is a bigger one. That can be a whole another topic, and at this time, I do not think you should consider it just yet. I first would talk to him for a while, find out more about him, as to why he needs this outlet.

But just to add this -- opening up the relationship needs to have a good reason, good boundaries, and a whole set of rules, as to not endanger the original relationship, and maybe a time period. In my case, me and my partner had an open relationship trial period for 2 month, after which we closed it. It was opened up for the reason of me wanting to experience younger guys -- guys my age. It was closed after I had experienced it. It is possible that we'd keep it closed after, but then we had other issues of what amounted to our sexual incompatibility. Me and my partner did not click well sexually. It took us a while to understand that. So, we opened up the relationship again, for a month. And closed it again, but then it became clear we needed to have an open relationship after that, if we are to have any kind of good sex at all, and sex without fighting and arguing. And so we did.

There is another option -- maybe that is all he needs - an outlet to chat with other guys. For your purposes, you need to figure out if this is really all he needs and then find a healthy outlet for him to do so. If he is on Craigslist/Other sites, pretending he is available, when he is not (which I am sure annoys some other guys who really do want to hook up), I am not sure it is the healthiest outlet available. He is probably frustrating himself in the process as well, unless he really gets off on that somehow instead.

So I hope this helps.

 

[Seasoned]

Relationships and boundaries have to be voluntary. Any promises made ought to include the promise to let a partner know if there has been cheating. If he really is just playing on these sites, why not do it together? The two of you could also role play and create "hook ups" with each other.