Needing people to talk to

[Ganoderma]

hi Desertboi10,

No problem at all to ask this kind of questions over here. Definately, you will get a variety of answers of people who want to help you.

You are totally right with your idea that you are currently living with a ly. And living with this 'big ly' sucks, and will definately feel you unhappy. Parents who really take care of the wellbeing of their son will be aware that there is something with you which makes that you are less happy.

How old are you, and what are you doing? Are you still living together with your parents? Do you have friends, and are these friends (male and/or female) also homophobes? Do you happen to have gay relatives (uncle, cousin, etc.) within your family, and if yes, how are they treated by your parents?

Do you have gay friends (including online friends)?

How about your own religious feelings? Are you religious, or do you not have a religion? Definately don't spend any time debating with reli-fundi christians as almost all of them are brainwashed. And debating with brainwashed people has no sense.

Well, do you like this kind of reply? Feel free to react.

Take care, and I would like to wish you all the best.

 

[subsonic]

Hey dude.
Well, I'd say that this is completely normal. Many people who are dealing with coming out are having a hard time. I won't sing a song about how you should just jump into it and get it over with, I'll leave that to someone else.
You need to feel well-balanced and confident in your own sexuality, which takes time.
I would advice you to get out, get some experience, meet some people and when you are ready you could start off by telling some of your closest friends that you really thrust. It will all come in time.
Regarding your family there's really not much you can do. When you feel that you are ready, tell them. Most likely the would accept you and love you for who you are. People who are homophobic are so because of prejudice. When they not that their own son is gay, they would perhaps be more inclined to see it with different eyes.

Best of luck to you buddy and keep sharing your thoughts, concerns and questions.

 

[Rolyo85]

All I can say is, it sucks that your family is like that, but the only thing that COULD (not saying will, just could) change that is if they know you are gay. It might end in disaster and it will surely not be easy especially at first, but sooner or later you will have to do it. I would suggest having a security base of a few trusted friends who know. Not because they will be any actual help when you come out to your family, but because it is a completely different feeling, knowing that even if your parents don't get it right away (or ever), someone somewhere does, and cares, and loves you even more for being true to yourself.

One thing I would point out is that you do NOT have a great relationship with your parents. What you have is a lie. Once you come out and if they manage to deal with it and change their views based on their feelings for you (as any parent SHOULD if they're worth the title), then you will actually be able to build a great relationship with them. If they refuse to accept you, that only proves how false this relationship has been. How dependent on shallow bigoted ideas of right and wrong, and how little it had to do with actual feelings.

I tend to say this a lot in situations like these, but unless your security would be threatened by coming out to your family, there is never a good reason to prolong the torture. If they love you, they'll deal and adapt, even if it's hard for them at first. My dad would still rather not talk about it, and it gets him down, but he has said nothing even remotely suggesting that I should change who I am, and in all other aspects our relationship is just as strong as it was before I came out. However, should a parent chose not to accept you, then that parent has failed you completely and utterly, and deserve nothing from you.

 

[Rolyo85]

I would suggest taking steps to become more independent. A job that would be doable while still in college. Friends you could stay with during the summer. Etc. True, it holds risks, and you are the only one who can know how big they are, but I think a lot of things in your life will start working better for you one the Big Secret is gone.

 

[Rolyo85]

Also, college is an amazing time for finding yourself, including romantically and sexually, and experimenting with likeminded (and equally horny) people your own age. Don't waste it in hiding and lying to everyone.

Can you be out in college without telling your family, or is it too close?

 

[Rolyo85]

I wouldn't recommend any of the ones that I know. I would recommend Grindr however, if you have an Android or an iPhone.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Desertboi10,

Thanks for your reply and for providing us with some more details. Good to read that you go to college and that the university is far away from the place where your parents are living.

So why not open yourself -abit- at college and try if you can find some nice gay friends at your college (or somehere over there)? Definately, there will be other gays at your college. Is there some sort or queer group, are you aware of gay clubs?

Definately, there will be some girls (eg classmates) who will have thoughts why you don't have a girlfriend, and why you don't seem to be interested in girls. And maybe some of them will have noticed that you check out handsome guys who pass by?

I underline the view of Rolyo85 that the relationship with your parents is not good when they don't accept that their beloved son (= the 21 yo Desertboi10) will not bring home a girlfriend, but will bring home his sweet boyfriend.

Rolyo85 gave you an excellent advise: Also, college is an amazing time for finding yourself, including romantically and sexually, and experimenting with likeminded (and equally horny) people your own age. Don't waste it in hiding and lying to everyone.

I fully agree with this. Any idea if there are alot of homophobes at your college? If this is not the case, then just try to find some nice gay friends, and just don't bother what other people think about you.

Best wishes and good luck.

 

[EJMichaels]

Some great advice so far. I think a good way to meet potential dates (or whatever you have in mind) is non-sexual gay gatherings, like Ganoderma mentioned. You can learn about the whole person and they can get to know you without the pressure. I met most of my partners through organized groups.

My first experience with women happened during a gay/lesbian weekend conference at a college. I got involved with two women there. One, I met at a workshop on how to meet people. I don't remember how I met the other one, but we kissed at the dance (part of the weekend events) and I ended up in her bed. I stayed in touch with the first one, but the distance and other factors didn't work well.

 

[DBSKIsMine]

Great, thanks!

And I was thinking if anybody has any stories similar to mine, and they came out, I would kind of like to hear them. Thanks again everybody!

For someone who is just coming out, I would rather suggest you visit your school's GLBT group during a meeting, if they have one. Going doesn't necessarily mean you are gay as there are straight allies that attend such meetings.

Grindr has a tendency to be predominantly treated as a tool to meet people for casual sex. While I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with that, I don't know if just jumping into that realm while still in a precarious position of being closeted is the best idea.

The only other piece of advice I can offer you is I have seen lives ruined in the event that the families did not approve of their child coming out. You're young and still in college. Wait until you're completely self-sufficient and your parents no longer have anything they can rip out from under you should they not approve. It's a lot easier to handle the situation going into it knowing the only thing you potentially have to lose is your relationship with them.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

As a college student myself, I emphasize getting involved with your campus's Gay-Straight Alliance or other LGBT group. You get to meet people and talk about issues, and even if you don't find someone interesting enough to be involved with, it's still awesome to meet other LGBT students that you can relate to.

 

[mc7777]

I think the ideas of socializing are great while you are still in the closet. You can build friendships and contacts- not just throwing yourself on a casual dating/ casual sex website. Who knows what those friendship or contacts could lead to-meeting a special someone? You are in a great place and time to explore this while being in college. I also would agree with the other post about not just jumping into the hook up sex stuff while closeted. Could stir a lot of emotion while in your closeted unsocialized and uncomfortable state. But once you get out there, who knows, that could change quickly! LOL

One thing that has just helped me so much is that I studied and am still studying as much as I can about being gay. I read the arguments for and against it. I of course have deeply research the religious issues for and against it. Religious reasons and argument is the biggest issue in opposition. I am not that religious either, but it is the clobbering reasons people use against gays. So if you arm yourself with knowledge, maybe this would make it easier to come out to your parents? Should they say, “It’s a sin,” or “The bible says..,” you can be the voice of reason and explain why it is not. So I guess knowledge is power and can help embolden you when you go to tell your parents. Do what you can to get a copy of the book, “Homosexianity: Letting The Truth Win The Devastating War Between Scripture, Faith, & Sexual Orientation,” by: Pastor R.D. Weekly.” (I would post the book’s website link, but I don’t have enough posts to post links yet!)

A combination of a good social support system and arming yourself with knowledge is what you need. You can ease your closeted mind in productiveness while preparing yourself to deal with what is to come. As a recent closet case (at least you are not in denial like I was ) that was just going crazy in my own head, now feeling the amazing relief of coming out and taking action, I guarantee you, you will feel amazing! GOOD LUCK!

 

[TX-Beau]

OH man, My family is devout Southern Baptist, so you can imagine the shit storm when I came out to them.

Coming out to religious homophobes is like cauterizing a wound, you know you have to do it, you know it's going to be painful, but ultimately it's healing for you.

And there is the truth of it. We come out for ourselves, not for anyone else - because we can't live the big lie anymore. If they can't accept you for who you are that sucks big hairy balls, but they have no right to tell you to live their bigotry, and you owe it to yourself to be the guy you need to be.

I'd wait to tell them until you have a degree and a job, but don't wait to come out to your friends, lesbians make good confidants - they don't want into your pants.

I didn't wait, but that was a huge gamble and I was so sick of the lies that I really couldn't wait, plus I was really pissed off that they raised me with all that phobic crap that THEY put in my head, that caused so many years of misery, deceit, and pain. I didn't do that to myself, you didn't do that to yourself, and doesn't it piss you off that you have to deal with all that shit? You have to remember that, phobic societies and people want to punish you for the hatred in THEIR heads. Disown it, homophobia isn't about you it's about them - and a huge part of their negative reactions to you being gay is their fear of what the other 'phobes are going to say about THEM.

Fuck that.

My immediate family reacted badly but didn't try to disown me, they tried to change me, tried to send me to Jesus camp, set pastors on me, etc. My extended family tried to shun me, but I just refused to be shunned.

If you refuse to play their game - make excuses for yourself, buy into their hate, treat it like it has any validity, they don't have any power over you.

But you might be surprised how many of those kinds of people come around once they have the time to process.

...say it with me...

It's my life, and my prerogative, and I'm not going to live my life on your terms anymore - and FUCK YOU if you don't like it!

There's nothing like a little cathartic obscenity!

 

[vulgar_newcomer]

I don't know you, or what you are like so how can I answer.
Thinking that you should not go from where you are to totally all gay world. It didn't work so well for me, and gay is important I am out but being gay isn't everything that makes you what you are.

I suggest being open to one or a couple people or come out but do not change that much suddenly. There is no need.
I find/found that listening tot he same tunes I always liked and doing the same things I always did was more important. Sex can follow.
For me a better place then and now to meet guys was at alternative clubs over gay bars. I've pulled time (and it is sometimes like time ) in gay clubs. I've met more open minded gay/bi/straights at a scene that reflects much more liberty then the cliche riddled drag queen, boring dance music locked in slave drawn gay scene.
You take your time, there is no need to break wind to what parents can already suspect, they are not stupid.

gay dating sites? I don't know, all are hook up that I know of. Its all bullshit and for a trick that is fine. Tricks are for kids and get old.

One of my best friends turned 68 last summer. He is straight, he is now retired. We hike wetlands and woods in the heat of summer. I never realized his age and it made no difference in our capacity as friends, he knows I am gay and considerably younger. I never saw his age nor do now. Because we based our friendship on common interest not sex.

I hang with guys your age a lot because I play music for a sort of maybe living. I relate well, better then guys near my 40. I never look at a friendship as sex, however when I am around gay guys (so called friends) they always say I like chicken? Thats bullshit I don't like Barb, Madonna, Lady Ga-ga that much and I don't mind a spider crawling on my face or drowned in my sweat and get a thrill over a bad double beat bass drum or a cool bald cypress tree, but I would if I were straight too.

I always found that friends or common interest no matter where you meet the person and if you are honest can lead to good outcomes. Never deny where you are from or who you are. You are not a caterpillar to turn into a marvelous butterfly in a couple weeks thinking coming out will make you this and all will be wonderful as a gay butterfly so to speak


Everything gay dudes always talk about in general is sex and how they landed the biggest stud, but I was with a dude for 12 yrs before he crapped out of cancer. He was pretty queeny, didn't love metal music but did like show tunes. He was drama however he could paddle a canoe and swing a hammer and never said what I liked was juvenile.

It can happen

 

[Rolyo85]

I didn't understand a lot of this post, other than the "I hate gay culture and all gay guys are [stereotype] [stereotype] [stereotype]" part and how you were worried that you might turn into a faggot after coming out... What was the point?

 

[mc7777]

Thanks for the advice and info mc7777. I actually have a big interest in studying this type of stuff. I look to study the biological aspects of human sexuality as well as the aspect of society. It looks like you have done a lot of research on the society aspect, especially the religious part. I'd be interested in hearing what you have found if you are interested in sharing. You can PM me if you'd like.

You are welcome. Yes I have and plan to continue research and learn as much as I can. It has helped settle my thoughts so I can move forward in my being out. By all means I AM NOT an expert as I am a recent recovering internalized homophobe gay . I was drawn to comment and share my thoughts with you, as it seems you were going crazy in your own head, and seemed hungry for knowledge to calm your thoughts. This is clear also as you plan to research more.

To be honest I was inspired by our commenting friends Rolyo85, TX-Beau, Ganoderma, Seasoned, etc. on my forum original post to start researching. This forum alone has a lot of great information for all its posts. So read, take note, and ask. (I have started a spiral notebook of notes- good, bad, indifferent??) I am also educated in work in social science, so I of course am better able to grasp and relate concepts. I would be happy to PM you some websites and info I found (I will put it together and send soon.) Happy reading. Also explore and get involved in your campus or other LBGTQ social groups.