new boyfriend, new problems

[CountryBiy86]

hey guys,
i have been dating this guy for about 2months and things are going great...until now. I wrote this letter to him to express what i feel. Please read it and it may give you a better understanding of where im coming from...

To Scott,

It's hard for me to express how I feel in person so I will tell you everything in email...

I got upset because it hurts that my boyfriend would rather go to Zippers alone and drink than spend time with
me. Haven't you had enough of drinking this week? You went to woody's thursday, friday, saturday and now
Sunday. Your stuck in the same routine as you said one of your friends was in...

You always want to do what you want to do, its never what I want to do. In Montreal, i spent the whole day
with you because you wanted to go to the exhibits. I didn't want to go, but i did, because thats what
boyfriends do...they support eachother. You won't even let me listen to 1hour of the music that I like.

Sometimes i feel as if you don't even care about my feelings. You always think im overreacting, when im not.
Maybe your just too selfish to even consider what im feeling. When im upset, why don't you ask me whats
wrong?

I really like YOU Scott, in fact, I almost love you. I've developed these really strong feelings for you that
everytime i think of you i get goosebumps. I really want this to work. Sometimes i feel that you
don't like me as much as I like you. But i know you do...you're just not as expressive as I am, and i can
accept that. But what i can't accept is you dating the village and not me. Im not trying to change who you
are. I think your great, i just think you need to be a little bit more "open" and realize that you now have a
boyfriend.

What do you guys think?

 

[Spiff]

Honestly? It sounds a bit much like excessive nagging to me. Especially for only a 2 month old relationship. It almost sounds like you are married to him, and you are the nagging spouse. It would be better if you just talked to him in person or on the phone about these things. But talk in a lighthearted manner that won't push him away as this letter likely would. And this letter may just prompt him to reply with things he doesn't like about you, which could be a bitter pill to swallow. After that, you can kiss the relationship goodbye. Don't start something that may cause a regretful bad ending.

 

[CountryBiy86]

omg...ive already sent this letter...i dont think i was nagging. this is something i had to get off my chest. do u think it will make out relationship stronger?

 

[Gin&Tonic]

omg...ive already sent this letter...

dude, it's okay! It's good to talk about how you are feeling. Your BF sounds like he is depressed about something; and he is dealing with it by drinking alcohol. I use to do the same thing until I got into therapy.

You deserve someone wonderful. Always remember that!

 

[CountryBiy86]

hey i don't think hes depressed and an alcoholic. I think he's just stuck in the same routine and he cant get out of it. He's been going to the same bar every thurs, fri, sat, sun night for years. I want him to spend more time with me.

 

[Seasoned]

It did sound like nagging. Try to stick to I statements when discussing relationship issues. For example, I feel (state the feeling) when you (state the behavior). Do not attempt to tell him what he's feeling or thinking

As for alcoholism, you'll be the second to the last to admit it.

Find a book on healthy relationships. Hopefully you'll learn to be yourself and allow your partner to be himself.

 

[backpacker]

Don't feel bad about sending the letter. It expresses the way you feel and that's something that you needed to get out. For future reference, in person would be a much better way to communicate such things. Letters tend to be too black and white.

Now on to the content of the letter. I would say that you guys are two very different people. I think you really like the person you envision him being, not the person he really is. That's a common mistake that people make. Your letter will either serve as a wake up call to him and he will make changes or it will be the beginning of the end. Should it end, understand that it's for the best. I don't think you really want a boyfriend that behaves the way you described.

 

[Caaake]

I agree with everyone else how it's written a bit whiney. I think the concerns expressed needed to be expressed to him however the WAY in which you write them has a very negative tone that upon reading it, would cause one to become angry or more upset. When you're writing a letter keep in mind there may be sufficient reasons why he acts the way he does whether you like it or not and to be sensitive of the other person but how you wrote sounds so bias, very one sided. From your letter you should show concern and care for other party but sensitively you don't want to piss off your other party. You want them to feel as comfortable after reading this as they were before they read it.
For example you could say something more like, "I understand/respect your thoughts and feelings and wish you'd let me know the reason for ____, ____,... etc. I don't understand why you needed to go drinking so much alone this week, for example, when you went to Woody's all week. This upsets me because I enjoy being in your life and spending time with you and___ ...etc. Sometimes you don't consider my feelings, like when you____ and it makes me feel upset." Just word it more carefully and since you already sent it, I would apologize for the way it came out and say you were angry when you sent it and you wrote some issues without explanation and rewrite it or tell him in person carefully. And i agree with ^ do NOT tell him what he's thinking or feeling. Only he knows this no matter what you assume about him. but if you are gonna tell him how he feels, say that this is how YOU see him. "I interpret as though you don't care about my feelings when you__" then hopefully he will write back saying how he interprets things and his perspective. Relationships are all about successful communication. Once you do this, your relationship will be stronger, unless you decide the differences between both your feelings towards eachother is negatively effecting the relationship and decide to end it. Anyhow, Good luck!

 

[Hellhathnofury]

If he's treating you like that so early on- he's a tool. Dump him and find someone worth your time and patience.

PS- how does it feel to live in Philly

 

[CountryBiy86]

If he's treating you like that so early on- he's a tool. Dump him and find someone worth your time and patience.

PS- how does it feel to live in Philly

i don't live in philly, i live in toronto... if your thinking of the show queer as folk, it was actually filmed in toronto!

 

[CountryBiy86]

hey guys thanks for the advice !!
i just wrote him another email.... i apologized and it was less whiney, negative and it came from the heart! thanks!
he really is a great guy!!!

 

[TX-Beau]

You know, and I've said this before, some guys just need space.

First, you've been dating two months, WTF? If it were me, I'd be outta there if someone I was seeing for two months started setting conditions - implied or not - like that. I.E. he obviously likes to be out, and you're already saying that you want him to stop. Or that he can't go out without you having drama.

Second, come on guys, alcoholic? Do any of you know anything about this guy's drinking? No. There's nothing wrong with being out all the time if that's what you want to do.

Third (covered) - if you come across as a churning vortex of emotional need, I bet he runs far and fast. TWO MONTHS! Y'all don't even know that much about each other yet. Stop doing what he wants all the time, start doing what you want and extend the invite. If he really wants to be with you, he'll put in the time. But basically what I would hear from what you wrote above - after two months - is that if I ever got serious with you, you'd try anything including emotional blackmail (do what I want or I'll create drama) to get me to do what you want.

Again, ad nauseum - some guys need space, I hate it when guys can't go out without me, don't have their own friends and lives, won't eat without me, can't stand it when I go out with my friends, and then have a drama waiting at the house when I come home. That makes me stay out more, not less.

DON'T have a long, involved, drama about how you feel, you just started dating - two months - just start doing what you want to do. Sure way to put him off, if he goes out a lot, is to have fits about it, if you want to stay in, ask if he wants to join you, if he never makes time for you, there was never a relationship to begin with.

What's wrong with just having a good time and letting things develop as they will. He's not an ass for doing what he wants to do, offer the compromise then be your own guy, and let him come to you. I repeat, DON'T turn this into some drawn out involved angst fest.

 

[PabloZed]

I happen to be a letter/email writer, but I always write it and then put it aside to read again. Oftentimes, I decide not to send it. One reason is you just can't say certain things so early in a relationship. Using the word "love" is usually a mistake. Telling the guy he should change his habits is also a no-no.

The funny thing is that you two sound like where me and my ex were about three months into going out. I was beginning to see that he was a selfish prick and I had two options- keep seeing him and try to fix things or move on. Well, moving on was the right move because you just can't change a person who is set in his ways.

 

[CountryBiy86]

tx-beau
im not trying to change his life or his habits...im just sick of everytime i see him it's at the bar with his friends...
we have sex once a week, and thats really the only time we spend alone together...married couples have sex more than us
im not into drama, im not demanding anything or trying to blackmail him...this is how i feel... is that wrong?
all im asking is just make an effort to spend at least some alone time with me...isn't that what people do when they are dating? like i said in the email i don't want to date a guy who is dating "the village".

i want a boyfriend not a drinking buddy...

 

[Spiff]

It seems to me you want more out of your "relationship" than he might. If he is not making you happy, then just look for someone else. If this makes him jealous, then maybe he might be worth giving another chance. If it does not, then this should be an easy lesson for you. If you are not willing to do this, then it really does seem like you expect him to change his ways for you. Ending a two month relationship is not like ending a marriage. This seems like a case of puppy love to me, though. You've become too emotionally attached to someone who still may be growing and not ready for the type of commitment that you want.

 

[backpacker]

tx-beau
im not trying to change his life or his habits...im just sick of everytime i see him it's at the bar with his friends...
we have sex once a week, and thats really the only time we spend alone together...married couples have sex more than us
im not into drama, im not demanding anything or trying to blackmail him...this is how i feel... is that wrong?
all im asking is just make an effort to spend at least some alone time with me...isn't that what people do when they are dating? like i said in the email i don't want to date a guy who is dating "the village".

i want a boyfriend not a drinking buddy...

You need to realize that who he is is the guy whose life is hanging out at the bars. I know some very nice guys who are like this. They are great to hang out with at the bar, but I could never be in a relationship with them. Going to the bar a few times a month is plenty for me; I couldn't stand a few times a week. My point being, if you want him to stop hanging out at the bars so much, you really are asking him to change who he is. As I said in my earlier post, I suspect you two are very different people. Think about whether he can give you what you want in a long term relationship or not.

 

[TX-Beau]

For all you southerners out there, fair warning, immanent deployment of a Sugar.

tx-beau im not trying to change his life or his habits...im just sick of everytime i see him it's at the bar with his friends...
we have sex once a week, and thats really the only time we spend alone together ...married couples have sex more than us

Sugar, why are you in this? - Because I like him - isn’t a satisfactory answer, what is it about him you like, his hot bod, his personality? What is it? AND are you actually grafting onto to him what you’d like him to be, and ignoring who he is, in order to turn this into the relationship you want in your head? Obviously he isn’t giving you what you want, and the above letter at several points reads like you’re taking this far more seriously, far more swiftly, than he is.

So many times you run across guys who go out looking for a relationship, not a guy. They have all these pastel ideas about what their relationship will be like, get caught up in expectations in their heads, and never once take a good hard look at the guys they project this onto. So I repeat, why are you in this?

im not into drama, im not demanding anything or trying to blackmail him...this is how i feel... is that wrong?

Sugar, you say you’re not into drama, yet that’s exactly what you precipitated. You may not have intended to use emotional blackmail, but that’s pretty much what you did.

...I’m not getting what I want, and I’m mad, and I give, and I don’t like you going out, so now I’m going to make things uncomfortable…


Why are you in this? Intentional or not, it’s way too early to be going anywhere near this kind of boggy ground. No, your feelings aren’t wrong, but then neither are his. It always comes down to what people do with their feelings where the problems creep in.

all im asking is just make an effort to spend at least some alone time with me...isn't that what people do when they are dating? like i said in the email i don't want to date a guy who is dating "the village".

And if he’s not making an effort, why are you in this? You don’t have any right to keep him from his friends, and if he won’t make time for you, I repeat, why are you in this? What’s keeping you from going out on your own to see if maybe you can find another guy who either wants the same things you do, or one who is interested in the instantly married thing. People are different, some like that on top of each other all the time stuff, some don’t. Either he doesn’t, or he’s just not that into you. You can't change either of those things, at best, he'll compromise about the first.

i want a boyfriend not a drinking buddy...

Why can’t you have both, it’s just as unfair to expect him to conform to all your expectations as it is for him to ignore you until he wants to get laid. Relationships, real, committed relationships are about compromise, take longer than two months to work out, and generally require at least a basic compatibility between the two guys.

Why are you in this? Are you getting out of this what you put in? If not, they why are you staying? Is this GUY a good candidate for the kind of relationship you want? Figure all that out before you waste any more of your time.

 

[TX-Beau]

You need to realize that who he is is the guy whose life is hanging out at the bars. I know some very nice guys who are like this. They are great to hang out with at the bar, but I could never be in a relationship with them. Going to the bar a few times a month is plenty for me; I couldn't stand a few times a week. My point being, if you want him to stop hanging out at the bars so much, you really are asking him to change who he is. As I said in my earlier post, I suspect you two are very different people. Think about whether he can give you what you want in a long term relationship or not.

Cross post, succinctly put.

 

[rareboy]

Trust me. You want more out of your 'relationship' than he does. He doesn't want you as a fulltime 24/7/365 boyfriend.

Ditch him and move on.

 

[CountryBiy86]

Why am i in this?
I think he is a great guy, we click well together, this could lead somewhere...
I don't like the word "change"... you guys make it sound so negative. Im not trying to change him... im just saying "settle down on the bar scene, your not single anymore, lets spend more time together"
He's just a very independent guy thats all...and hes too used to it. As for me, i like it on top of eachother all the time. Does that make us incompatible? I think not. Is that a good reason why we shouldn't be together? no
What im trying to say is people can change and adapt to new environment. I'll meet him halfway if he does the same for me.