new boyfriend, new problems

[TX-Beau]

Oh lordy. Fair warning, immanent deployment of a Honey.

Why am i in this?
I think he is a great guy, we click well together, this could lead somewhere...

Honey, you don’t click well together, the bulk of the problem is that you want from him what he’s not willing to give. This isn’t clicking well together. Most of your problem is that you want different things. You think this could lead somewhere, yet you can’t get him to pay attention to you unless he wants sex. This is leading somewhere – heartache.

I don't like the word "change"... you guys make it sound so negative. Im not trying to change him

I’m not trying to change him, I’m just saying…

... im just saying "settle down on the bar scene, your not single anymore, lets spend more time together"

Change.

He doesn’t want to settle down, you want him to settle down.

He's just a very independent guy thats all...and hes too used to it. As for me, i like it on top of eachother all the time. Does that make us incompatible? I think not.

He’s too used to being independent? Who the hell are you to decide how independent he can be, you're his BF not his Daddy.

He IS independent, you can’t change that, if you try, that's you acting wrong because of the way you feel, maybe if he was trying at all to compromise I’d say something different, but Honey, the only relationship that seems to be going on here is in your head. You’ll hurt yourself bad if you don’t snap outta thinking this way.

Is that a good reason why we shouldn't be together? No

What im trying to say is people can change and adapt to new environment. I'll meet him halfway if he does the same for me.

Honey you want him to change to adapt to you, and frankly that’s far more selfish than him wanting to hang out with his friends all the damn time. He’s not meeting you halfway, you’re going all the way, he’s getting laid and buggering off, this leads to the same place the other leads to heartbreak.

Honestly for your own welfare, just let this be what it is, if he's interested at all he'll find time for you, you've only been going out TWO MONTHS, and you're already expecting him to conform to you and what you want out of a relationship. Did you notice the pronoun there?

Dating is not a relationship, if anything it's the audition for the relationship. This is where you are.

 

[3nipples]

omg...ive already sent this letter...i dont think i was nagging. this is something i had to get off my chest. do u think it will make out relationship stronger?

communicating is good, but doing it in writing easily ends up in misunderstandings and even fights. writing is good for organizing your thoughts and feelings (possibly) in a coherent way, but then it's better to talk.

 

[PabloZed]

Listen to what you are saying. Do you really want to tell him "you're not single anymore?" Most guys would run for the hills (or the bar). You can tell a guy that after two months.

Gays need a relationship workshop. Goodness knows I could have used one. Because many of us are in the closet so long, we never develop the relationship skills that heteros develop in their teens.

 

[TX-Beau]

Listen to what you are saying. Do you really want to tell him "you're not single anymore?" Most guys would run for the hills (or the bar). You can tell a guy that after two months.

The other assumptions are the ones that go:

The only reason he's in the bar is to find a Boyfriend, he needs to stop now that I'm here....

and

His friends are taking my time and they need to go away...

CountryBiy86 please don't be that guy.

 

[KaraBulut]

You always want to do what you want to do

Among the lessons you learn from being in an LTR: If you're complaining about something your partner does, be wary of sentences that start with the word "You".

And that pretty much sums up your letter. It's accusatory.

If you want to talk about how you feel, then talk about how you feel.

Don't put it in a letter. Don't accuse him of doing things that make you unhappy. Don't be a nag.

But- as others are telling you- this guy is either a fixer-upper or he's not as interested in your feelings as you are in his behaviors. Neither bodes well for the long-term.

The future won't require you to wear shades on this one.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

Well... I am the eternal optimist here, and I hope you and your BF work this stuff out. But, I would still recommend couples therapy, or individual therapy for both of you.

 

[Bi_Stud]

i don't live in philly, i live in toronto... if your thinking of the show queer as folk, it was actually filmed in toronto!

Yeah QAF was filmed in Toronto.. I get this from people too. Now that I'm out I need to go to the Toronto gay area more often.

Now in regards to your letter, I think its good you said what you felt and didn't hold it to yourself. I say you might need to move on.

 

[bankside]

It doesn't matter how short a relationship is. Once it gets to the sexual stage, it is fair game to expect you'll spend some time together outside the bedroom too.

Countrybiy, a lot of people here seem to think there was something whiney or controlling in what you wrote, but I think it is actually the opposite problem.

My letter would have said something like:
Dear guy I see once a week in bed when you're not busy with your friends,
I'm sorry how things are working out - I was mistaken because I thought you were looking for a boyfriend, but really now I see you wanted more of a fuckbuddy situation or at most a "friend with benefits." Since we're not looking for the same things, I just wanted you to know I've enjoyed some of the times we've shared and I wish you well, but I won't be seeing you any more. Have a nice day, yours truly,
CountryBiy.

 

[TX-Beau]

But, I would still recommend couples therapy, or individual therapy for both of you.

Couples therapy? After two months?

 

[CountryBiy86]

I spoke to him today and I apologized for what i said because i was upset. He told me he was very hurt by the email.

What pissed me off is that he didn't feel the need to apologize to me about how I felt. Does he owe me an apology? He hurt me too. Made me feel unwanted and unappreciated. Still... no apology. Ok i let that slide... he's not good with formalities.

Ok now get this...this is what pulled my trigger

He said he wanted to cool down for a few days because he is still upset about the email. WTF? I just asked him if he could spend more time with me and he gives me this "let me cool down for a few days" shit. Should i be upset or am i just overreacting again?

We didn't break up but now I'm debating. I'm sick of waiting on him. You guys are right. I need to move on and find someone that can give me the time.

 

[TX-Beau]

It doesn't matter how short a relationship is. Once it gets to the sexual stage, it is fair game to expect you'll spend some time together outside the bedroom too.

On the contrary there are plenty of guys who get sexual without any intention of becoming a relationship. By that measure you'd be expecting flowers and champagne from any trick who was just looking for a quick fuck. Sex is no guarantee of intimacy.

Full disclosure upfront, yet another reason this is my personal mantra.

 

[TX-Beau]

He said he wanted to cool down for a few days because he is still upset about the email. WTF? I just asked him if he could spend more time with me and he gives me this "let me cool down for a few days" shit. Should i be upset or am i just overreacting again

He's not that into you.

We didn't break up but now I'm debating. I'm sick of waiting on him. You guys are right. I need to move on and find someone that can give me the time.

First really healthy thing you've said, go for it, you deserve to get what you need out of a relationship.

 

[CountryBiy86]

can i get some advice on breaking up?
i've never done it before...
this is gonna be so hard

 

[TX-Beau]

Say this:

You're really fun and all, and I had a blast, but you're not at a point where you can give me the commitment that I want. So I think we should stop.

Then say - and this is very important:

You have a small cock. (grin)

Seriously say some nice variation of the first, 'cause it's true. Honesty, does a body good.

 

[CountryBiy86]

how about this...

scott, i think were 2 totally different people with different wants and needs. and obviously were not looking for the same things... i want to let you know i enjoyed the time we had with eachother with no regrets....and its time we go our separate ways

i dont know!! anything else i should say?

 

[TX-Beau]

Sounds good to me, what else is there to say. If you still want to be friends with him tell him that too, but make sure you're absolutely clear that's what you're saying.

 

[Spiff]

I just asked him if he could spend more time with me and he gives me this "let me cool down for a few days" shit. Should i be upset or am i just overreacting again?

Overreacting again, which got you into trouble in the first place. You said much more than you claim, which is what everyone has been telling you. I told you when you first posted that you would probably get a negative response. Hopefully when you find fault with your next boyfriend, you will handle it with more care. And hopefully you will give him more than two months before you try to control him. . .

 

[backpacker]

how about this...

scott, i think were 2 totally different people with different wants and needs. and obviously were not looking for the same things... i want to let you know i enjoyed the time we had with eachother with no regrets....and its time we go our separate ways

i dont know!! anything else i should say?

Sounds good to me. As someone else noted, if you would like to remain friends, you could add generic "I hope we can remain friends." If you prefer a clean break, then don't add it.

 

[backpacker]

Overreacting again, which got you into trouble in the first place. You said much more than you claim, which is what everyone has been telling you. I told you when you first posted that you would probably get a negative response. Hopefully when you find fault with your next boyfriend, you will handle it with more care. And hopefully you will give him more than two months before you try to control him. . .

I don't think it's an overreaction. While the letter wasn't the best way to communicate his feelings, I think his feelings are very valid. I really don't think the OP was trying so much to control his boyfriend, but rather to ask for more consideration and compromise. There has to be give and take in every relationship and it seemed to be missing here. The real issue is that they are two totally different people. I do think the OP will learn from the experience and take those life lessons to his next relationship.

 

[Coffee]

how about this...

scott, i think were 2 totally different people with different wants and needs. and obviously were not looking for the same things... i want to let you know i enjoyed the time we had with eachother with no regrets....and its time we go our separate ways

i dont know!! anything else i should say?

well... "Let's dump each other"

About your feeling, I'm on your side while he doesn't spend any days of weekend with you. Weekends are for lovers. But to me you're so dramma. You shouldn't tell him what you do for him like in Montreal. That sounds like you're whining and whining. And now when he says cool down, you say break up. Is it overreacting? you're in your hot wave, so cool down. He may have something in his mind or so, but he didn't want to tell you about it yet. Why don't you try to convince him to come along and talk to him, instead of screaming "You are my boyfriend, you're supposed to hang out with me tonight, do you remember I did....blah blah blah..."
Good luck